Today is extremely dear to my heart because it’s time – it is finally time to write Atticus Story’s birth story. Tomorrow he will be one month old (HOW?!), and I finally feel ready to share the most special day of our lives with you. His birth was so precious and so intimate, nothing like I had imagined but so much more amazing, wilder than I could have ever prepared myself for, and full of lessons & lessons I will be reliving & integrating for as long as I live.

He came into this world at 4:40am on December 21st, 2021 (if you listen to the podcast then you know how special those numbers are to me… 201, can you even?) and life has been a blissful whirlwind of wonderment and joy and newness ever since. Our solstice baby, our angel boy, the sweetest little man there ever was. On the LAST 21st day of the 21st year of the 21st century, during the high frequency energy portal of the winter solstice. You cannot make this magic up. This little guy came in with a plan so strong, and it could not have been more divine in every single way.

This is hands down the most momentous post I have ever written in my ten years of blogging and one I have been writing in my head over and over again for the last month. I know I will come back to read this for years to come, and cannot wait to read it to Atticus when he gets older. It gives a whole new meaning to having a blog honestly, because the true purpose of blogging is to capture moments. To capture the magical moments in life that we can never get back, but that will live on in our memories & hearts through our stories for the rest of time.

Are you beginning to see a theme here with the word story? It’s who I am in my bones – and I just know my sweet son has a storyteller soul like his mama. Atticus Story. But we will get to his name and the meaning of his name later in this post!! I can’t wait to tell you!

You guys ready? Let’s dive in. Oh and buckle up and grab your popcorn, because this is a DETAILED one… would you have it any other way?!?!

My birth plan:

I will start by briefly telling you our original birth plan because this is the main thing I have been getting questions about!! I know a lot of you can imagine me having an unmedicated home birth because of my natural lifestyle, which is something I would have absolutely loved to do if I didn’t have any prior health complications. I still may do try for this in the future now that I know how freaking strong my uterus is despite the previous surgeries and health issues I have had. Years of Lyme disease, surgeries, and living in and out of the hospital prepared me to take the route of having a hospital birth – which I felt very comfortable with because any way we bring a precious soul into this world is incredible.

Early on we chose to stick with the OBGYN who did my fibroid surgery back in 2018, because we had a great experience with him and he is super familiar with my body. His two specialties are fibroids and delivering babies, so he always seemed like a natural fit. And even though he is not a holistic doctor by any means, he has gotten to know me over the last few years & is very aware that I go the all-natural route whenever possible. He got used to me saying no to certain routine procedures all throughout the pregnancy, bringing in my own all-natural glucose test, instilling advice from my doula, talking about manifestation and spirit babies, the whole works. And even though he didn’t agree with some of my decisions he was supportive of all of them.

On top of that, we had an incredible birth doula supporting us throughout the whole birth process. Her name is Patti Quintero for anyone wondering and I HIGHLY recommend her. I felt confident that between her, Jonathan and myself we would come up with a birth plan that aligned with my values and that we would be able to advocate for everything we wanted during the labor and delivery process.

Overall the plan was to labor at home for as long as possible, make our home a birthing sanctuary with oils, music, candlelight, etc., get in the bathtub and shower during intense contractions, have Patti come to our house and support us through the depths of it all, and then go to the hospital when my contractions were strong enough. The plan was to get an epidural at the hospital (because I have had a major fibroid surgery on my uterus & the safest route would be to get an epidural because of the small chance of the uterine scars opening up during labor) and then hopefully have a smooth vaginal delivery from there. After that the plan was to do delayed cord clamping, have the special twilight hour with baby boy and Jonathan, and for Jonathan to stick with the baby if he had to go anywhere at all after the birth. AKA we were not going to let our baby angel out of our sight!!

So that was THE PLAN. But things don’t always go according to plan, as we know. Especially during birth!! So let’s head into the birth story and you will hear how it all went down!

The month before going into labor…

Ok so, we should probably set the scene by reminding you all that I was in the very early stages of labor for an entire month. Yep, that truly happened. On November 21st, I woke up feeling extremely off with nausea, dizziness, cramping, and stomach pains that felt a lot like contractions. It went beyond the normal pregnancy discomforts I had grown used to (VERY used to ) so after feeling strange for a few hours I called my doula, and she suggested that we go into the doctor’s office to get it checked out.

I called my OB that morning and it turned out he was on call at the hospital, so he suggested that we come into Labor & Delivery to have some testing done. For the record he suspected it was all gastrointestinal but we were just being safe. His exact words were, “at least you will get a tour of the hospital if nothing else!” So Jonathan and I headed there that afternoon where we ended up doing some testing and finding out that I was indeed having minor contractions, and that I was already 1cm dilated – at 35 weeks!

They kept us there for several hours to make sure I wasn’t continuing to dilate, which I was not so by that evening they discharged us and we headed home. I had had an intuition since the VERY beginning of my pregnancy that this baby boy was going to come a bit early, so after we found out I was 1cm dilated AND having contractions, I figured he would probably be here by early December. Also for the record I had a strong intuition that he was going to be a Sagittarius even though his due date was Christmas which would make him a Capricorn, and I had a lot of specific days in mind that I thought he might come. Don’t even get me started on all of those dates because none of them ended up being THE day!

After that afternoon in the hospital I continued to have prodromal contractions every single day and night for a month! Some days they were more intense than others and other days they were very mild. I remember countless times in the middle of the night waking up and thinking, “this is it – this is finally it!!” because the pain and cramping were so intense and felt so different than the previous times. I even woke Jonathan up countless times to tell him that I was in so much pain and that I was CERTAIN that this was labor. And still every single morning, I would wake up and not be in active labor at all.

This pattern started to get very frustrating!! At first we were happy because of course with every passing week we knew the little man was getting stronger and stronger in utero, and that he would come when he was ready. I was in full divine trust of the universe. I also could feel his spirit & his playful little soul teaching me so much during this time. He was basically saying, “Get ready mom! I’m coming!! But not quite yet… Maybe today, maybe not!! Hehehe.” I swear this is how it was going. He was almost messing with me in a cute way and the main download I was getting during this time was that he was changing his mind pretty much daily about when he wanted to come through.

He is an OLD soul, as old as they come. and in all of my meditations I would hear, “We have done this before, mom. Just be patient. I am coming on my own timeline and when I do choose to come, it’s going to absolutely surprise you. That’s the way I want it to be!”

So I was in trust, but I was also feeling very impatient because… hello. I was so excited to meet him, and I was so, so, SO over being in so much extreme discomfort. Anyone who has reached 9+ months pregnant knows what I am talking about. Once we passed 37 weeks, then 38, then 39 I was starting to think… what the HECK is going on?! Why am I in so much pain and not going into labor at all?! Even my OBGYN was pretty much shocked. I had dilated to 2cm & my cervix was 50% effaced by 36 weeks and then just stayed there and didn’t budge.

It got to the point where I completely stopped sleeping because the contractions were so all consuming, even though they were still tiny, and we also stopped making plans because every day I anticipated going into labor and was just way, way, way too uncomfortable and deep into the birthing vortex to go anywhere or do anything. For a notoriously impatient person who has always made things happen on her own timeline, this was a very important and necessary lesson before fully becoming a mama – I now see that on a deep level.

I was REALLY trying to manifest him coming before December 18th, because that was when my OB was going on vacation for Christmas and not returning until well into January. I also kept having the feeling he would come before then like I mentioned. On December 17th I had my 38 week appointment with my doctor, and since I was one day away from being 39 weeks pregnant he offered the idea of inducing me. That way he could deliver the baby, I could be put out of my misery of daily painful contractions that were absolutely draining the life out of me, we could avoid a Christmas birthday for Atticus (nothing wrong at all with a Christmas bday!! It’s so special!! But a part of me wanted him to have his own separate day), and of course we could meet our angel who we were getting so beyond ready to meet.

But I never wanted to have an induction for so many reasons – the main reason being I really wanted Atticus to choose when he was going to come. I believe so deeply in the spirit realm, and that these little spirit angel babies know exactly when and how they are supposed to come in… down to every last detail. I knew he would choose his perfect astrology, Human Design, birthday, and the birthing process that would suit him the best for his life mission and how he wanted to enter this world. I was and still am in such deep respect of his magical soul, and I just couldn’t choose that day for him as much as I seriously wanted to.

Secondly, induction can mess with the natural rhythm of our bodies giving birth, and there can be a higher rate of postpartum depression, difficulty with milk coming in, difficulty losing excess fluids and pregnancy weight, etc. (NOTHING against induction at all when it is necessary!! I have a zero judgment policy about all things birth and parenting for that matter — just sharing my feeling about it for our fam.)

So as you’ve probably gathered… I said no to the induction and stayed committed to being patient for him to come through on his own. I have to be honest though that that final weekend of pregnancy was excruciating for me. I was a little confused and sad about why he hadn’t come yet with ALL of those prodromal contractions giving me false hope for so long (!!) and I was growing extremely, extremely emotional and vulnerable after being in what I call the “birth vortex” for so long. I felt like I wasn’t fully in the normal pregnancy stage anymore but I was certainly still very pregnant… like his soul was halfway here and that I needed to be on in every single moment just in case my contractions turned into actual labor… I was sobbing every day, living in the bathtub, and had such bad sciatica pain I literally couldn’t even move. Not to mention peeing what felt like 15 times an hour and just not sleeping at ALL. The hormones were out of control intense and I didn’t feel like myself. It was all starting to get really, really intense.

I was also going through something I call the death and rebirth cycle. All of it was really beautiful and powerful, & it was VERY necessary, but it was also very hard. I was being shown really intimate and painful truths about myself, my relationships, my career path, my soul’s mission, my passions, my triggers and childhood wounds, things that still needed healing… on a DAILY basis for this entire month. It was such a gift looking back on it, and I tried so hard to soak it all in as my final hoorah of intense self-growth before becoming a mama. I knew how important it was. I also knew on a DEEP & intimate level that Atticus was prepping me for his birth on a soul level. I knew he needed me to learn these things and become aware of them before he arrived.

I got really intentional during this time. I really only wanted to be around a select few people, spent a LOT of time journaling and meditating, went on lots of dates with Jonathan, rested a lot, and really went inward in the deepest way possible. We didn’t even see our families on Thanksgiving or Chanukah because I was already so deep in the vortex, so you can imagine how much DEEPER this got as almost the entire month of December went on and he still hadn’t arrived!! The best part of this time was spending such intimate time with Jonathan and Huddy, knowing that our little family of 3 was about to expand in a big way forever. We really did our best to soak it in — so even amidst the challenges, we had a lot of fun and it’s a time I will look back on fondly forever.

The night I went into labor…

I took this photo the very night I started to go into labor because I could just feel that this was my very final night of being pregnant!!!

Ok now, the scene is finally SET, & you guys understand and see the headspace I was in when Monday, December 20th rolled around. I have to say, I had FINALLY surrendered to the fact that he was going to come when he was ready to come. My feeling that he was coming immenently started turning into a feeling that he may not come until 2022 — seriously. And I was trying my best to be fine with it although you know by now how ready I was to meet him and how much I wanted him here!! I had talked to all of my mediums and intuitive friends, and everyone had told me he was FOR SURE coming early and that he was FOR SURE a Sagittarius… and now as we were approaching the final day of Sag season, I was thinking, Atticus are you just playing tricks on us all?! What is going on?!

I had also tried everything I had heard about for “naturally” inducing labor — from eating dates, to drinking red raspberry leaf tea, going to acupuncture 3x a week, going on long walks (even with the excruciating pain!!), bouncing on my birthing ball, doing squats and lunges, taking evening primrose oil, even trying the famous “labor salad” in Studio City!! I was so committed but it seemed like nothing was really moving the needle for me, even though I could TELL my body was trying so hard to go into labor and it just wasn’t quite there yet.

I had an appointment that morning with a doctor from my OB’s practice (he was out of town by now for Christmas) and I was STILL 2cm dilated, 50% effaced. By that point I was ready to sob hearing that I was still only 2cm dilated. I had been that way for weeks, having such intense contractions day and night that I was just certain were pushing me further along in the process but somehow really weren’t. I left that appointment feeling completely defeated, and texted my doula updating her and saying, “I am thinking of drinking castor oil, I know it has helped a few of my friends go into labor, what do you think?”

You guys know I am a human guinea pig and I was really eager to start trying some of the more *intense* old wives tales for going into labor (beyond the whole dates + red raspberry tea stuff), especially now that I was past 39 weeks. I just had this deep, innate feeling that it was time for him to be here and I could NOT shake that feeling no matter how hard I tried. It was like something beyond me was pulling me to make this labor happen. And you can imagine what (or WHO!) that “something” was.

Patti called me right away and said that castor oil was no joke – that if I were to drink castor oil I should be fully prepared to go into labor. But at this point to be honest with you guys I didn’t believe that anything would put me into labor!! I was fully surrendered and really felt like Atticus had made his point, he was going to come on HIS timeline and although I could keep gently easing things along, he certainly wasn’t going to come if he wasn’t ready. In the words of one of my best friends, “I think you have finally met your match in terms of who is BOSS & who is more stubborn” — lol and also I am seeing now that this is very true.

So what did I do?! Of course I drank the castor oil. Patti sent me the recipe for a midwives brew, which includes 2 tablespoons of castor oil blended with orange juice. The total amount of castor oil I was recommended to have were 6 tablespoons (yes, it tastes as absolutely disgusting as you can possibly imagine) over the course of a 6 hour period. 2 tablespoons, wait 2 hours, 2 more, wait 2 hours, etc. By the way, I do NOT recommend trying this at home!!! It’s a very intense way to go into labor as I quickly found out, and should never ever be done before 39 weeks because of it’s absolute effectiveness.

So from about 1pm – 7pm that day, I went to town with the castor oil. I went to Patti’s that afternoon for a clary sage massage (another thing that gently helps ease you into labor if you’re meant to be in labor) and she reminded me how important it was to surrender to the process, and that if the castor oil did not work then it simply meant that Atticus was not ready to come. The thing with castor oil is that if your body is not ready to be in labor, it will not put you into labor. Nothing will put you into labor if your body is not ready (aside from actual medications), but if your bod is ready then these natural methods can really help. Keep in mind my due date was Christmas Day, so I was right around my due date but was not yet overdue. However I intuitively FELT overdue and that was a feeling I could not shake no matter how hard I tried.

The other thing about castor oil is that it is a MASSIVE CLEANSE for your intestines… like more than words can even say. I had some experience with drinking it because of my years of Ayurvedic cleanses and Lyme & mold detoxes I had been on, but holy shit. It quite literally cleans you out from the inside out. So it is NOT for the faint of heart… you have to be prepared to go through an intense “cleanse” of everything in your body WHILE being in labor. You know, the kind of stuff only us warrior women (aka all women) can handle… men would die, lol.

I was COMMITTED to this working for me, you guys!! I was on my birthing ball doing hip circles to salsa music that evening and I showed no signs of slowing down. It’s almost funny looking back, how committed I was, which reminds me to how committed I was to getting pregnant in April because I KNEW that Atticus’s soul was ready to come through. It worked that time, and it certainly worked again this time. I believe I got so impatient at the end of my pregnancy because I was & am wildly in tune with this little boy’s soul, and I knew it was absolutely time to assist him in coming into this world. He picked me as his mama for a reason after all, and I don’t mess around when it comes to timelines.

By around 7:30pm that night I was in active labor. FINALLY! Active! Labor!!!! My contractions were feeling more intense, and my stomach was hardening like a rock and then releasing every few minutes. Some of the contractions were feeling more painful too, and I was truly jumping for joy. Jonathan was excited too — and we were both in somewhat a state of disbelief! I felt like I finally did it, my body was finally ready to go into labor. I was also terrified, I mean literally terrified, that the contractions were going to stop again and that I wasn’t truly in real labor. I guess you could say I had a lot of PTSD from thinking I was in labor every day that month, so the fact that I finally really was wasn’t quite sinking in.

I started timing the contractions through an app on my phone and seeing that they were all really close together, even though they weren’t super intense yet. After timing them for about 45 minutes the app was already telling us to think about going to the hospital… but I was thinking in my mind, “could it really be?! There’s no way it could be moving this fast.” We were also on and off the phone with our doula, updating her and telling her how quickly things were moving and that this finally really was active labor. Jonathan gave me a foot massage with more clary sage and we got to soak in this time together knowing that this was finally IT.

I took this photo just minutes before the REAL active labor started, ahhh!!!

Yet strangely, a big part of me was still very much in denial. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that this was really happening!!! Patti suggested that I take a hot shower to slow down the contractions once they started coming on really strong, but the last thing I wanted to do was slow them down. I was too excited!! I was literally running around the apartment with so much joy and excitement ready for the contractions to get even more intense. And then, let me tell you, THEY FREAKING DID.

Around 10pm I decided it was finally time to take a shower — I knew it would be my last “me time” before going to the hospital and really getting this party started. I had grand plans of taking a nice long, warm shower, washing my hair, blowdrying it, and taking this final time with myself before eventually going into the deeper stages of labor. But oh my god you guys, nothing could have prepared me for what happened when I got in the shower.

The moment I turned the water on, a wave of contractions hit me so hard I was basically knocked to the ground. At this point is when I truly ENTERED THE VORTEX. The waves of pain shooting through my body shocked me to my absolute core. I had no idea how deep into labor I already was at this point, so I was actually SCARED by how much pain I was feeling. It felt like someone was breaking my entire body in half and trying to split me open. I felt Atticus tumbling lower into my pelvis and started thinking there was actually something wrong with how much pain I was feeling. It turns out, that’s just BIRTH, but I was somehow still in this surprising place of denial and still felt like maybe it was just the castor oil making everything extra intense.

I screamed out to Jonathan that he needed to come immediately, and that we needed to call Patti and go to the hospital. He called her right away and she asked a lot of questions trying to gather how far along I was. I said I think we need to go to the hospital, but with no way of knowing how far along I was and the fact that just a couple of hours before I was completely fine, we all decided that we would stick to the plan and she would come to our house first to stay in our little birthing sanctuary & see if we could slow things down a bit.

She lives very close to us but even in those few minutes before she got here, things got even more intense and I was doubled over screaming in pain. I somehow got out of the shower but couldn’t even brush my hair I was so deep in it. In retrospect I would have gone to the hospital in that moment, but I had NO IDEA that our birth was going to move as quickly as it did. I had a lot of stories in my head of women getting to the hospital too early, getting an epidural, and then having contractions slow way down, sometimes leading to interventions I really wanted to avoid like Pitocin, medication cocktails, a C section, etc. — and I didn’t want that to happen. So I stayed committed to our plan and was very much mentally prepared for a really long birth, especially knowing that first births are usually quite long!

I remember when Patti got here I was SCREAMING in hysterics to Jonathan to not leave me alone even though he had to go downstairs to let her in – but I was holding onto him with a force so strong and sobbing my guts out because I was actually terrified to be left alone. I was very much not on this planet at that time, SO deep into the other realm with our baby, our angels and guides… I just wasn’t here at all. Once they got up here the rest is very much a blur to me. I know that Patti had me on our bed for a while, in child’s pose where she was massaging me and I remember throwing up a lot into a bucket that we brought onto the bed.

I remember screaming to her and Jonathan, “Why are my contractions so close together?! Why don’t I have a break AT ALL because this is scaring me!!!!” Because of the castor oil my contractions were 100% on top of each other, and if I had a break at all it was for about 30 seconds rather than the 5 minutes I knew it usually was for most people!! Hudson was there watching and staying very close to me, even though I know he was terrified and I know the sounds I was making were making him think I was potentially dying. He was so strong and brave and I could not have done it without his sweet spirit guarding me and protecting.

At that point it was so intense I left this planet even further, and Patti suggested that I get into the bath to slow things down. That’s where I remember being so deep into the vortex that I really could not even fathom anything that was going on. My pain was so intense and severe, and I started feeling like maybe the baby was coming out. But I also didn’t believe that could be possible, because all I could think of was that this birth was going to be long, and that that morning I was only 2cm dilated!! I kept thinking it was just the castor oil causing the pain and that maybe the labor was not even happening? (Clearly I was in massive denial.)

Meanwhile while I was in the bath, Patti noticed that the baby was indeed VERY low & close to coming out, because she saw a specific vein in my lower back that indicated how low he actually was. At that point she said it was time to go to the hospital, and I was both intensely relieved and also really scared. I was terrified of being in the car, the thought of the baby potentially coming out in the car, scared of being in such severe pain outside of the comfort of my home, and especially scared about getting to the hospital and going through the process of answering questions, getting through security, etc. while in SUCH a severe state of pain. But mostly I was really happy because I knew how at that point there would be no more hoops to jump through — that we would finally be in the spot where our baby was coming. That was a huge relief to me, even in the scariest moments.

On the way out I wanted to stop in the bathroom again (remember – I was cleansing from the castor oil ahhh) and Patti said we didn’t have time. That’s when I knew things were urgent, and I started to kind of freak out in a whole new way. I knew it was important for me to stay calm but because of the pain there was just no way for me to stay in my usual calm, zen headspace. We ran down the hallway, and I had a MAJOR contraction in the elevator and another one getting into the car. Thankfully it was 1:15am, so there were no other cars on the road, and Patti told me to just stay on my hands and knees because I would be in way too much pain to sit down.

Jonathan by the way had been a saint through this whole process, but he was scared too!! Neither of us knew what labor & contractions were really like, as much as we had tried to prepare ourselves, so we were both kind of in shock and awe through this whole experience. Neither of us realized how far along I was, so even though he was trying his best to calm me down and make me feel safe, he was a little shell shocked I think at seeing me SO out of sorts and in my true “ayahuasca ceremony mode” where the screaming and emotions were just ten million fold. He wanted me to relax but I wanted to kill him for thinking that relaxing was possible in these moments… and at the same time I didn’t have the energy to even communicate any of this to him at all!!

He was VERY excited and he was trying to keep me in the headspace of, “We get to meet our baby tonight!! Yay!! He is finally coming!! You’re doing it!!” but somehow it wasn’t computing for me. I was not FULLY realizing that I was going to birth our baby boy out of all of this intense pain… I wonder if any other mama’s have felt that way before? Please tell me below if you have!! I just couldn’t even POSSIBLY imagine that this intense feeling as if I was truly physically dying was actually going to result in our precious angel baby coming into our arms. I had moments and waves of that reality hitting me, but I was too far gone in the pain of it all to have any clue really of how close he was to coming!!

It felt, to be honest with you, like a plant medicine ceremony. I always knew it would, and I was excited for it to feel that way, but WOW when I was in it was I unprepared for the DEPTHS that it would take me. I was convinced, CONVINCED that I was dying. I felt like the whole center of my body was being ripped to shreds and that my body would not be able to withstand the process of birth. It was crazy because I had very little fears about birth going into it, and suddenly in the MIDST of the birth process I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. I was mostly scared that the baby was going to come before we got to the hospital, and that it wasn’t going to be safe for him or something was going to happen to him. Thankfully (spoiler alert) none of that happened… but in the moment, I was just certain that something was going to go wrong because I felt so out of control being in the car.

If you saw our VERY VIRAL TikTok video of us in the car on the way to the hospital, you know shit got very real at this point. I was fully gone, Jonathan was scared/not totally sure what to do or say (lol), and I was hysterical about getting to the hospital on time. You are probably thinking at this point, WHY DIDN’T WE GO SOONER !! But we just had no idea, and things moved really, really quickly. Way faster than I had ever imagined!!! The whole ride there I felt so much pressure and the urge to push… I felt like he was LITERALLY poking his head out.

Thankfully it took only 7 minutes to get to the hospital, and when we got there Patti ran me up to the L&D floor and it was truly like out of a movie with me SCREAMING in the hallways to GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL and that I FELT LIKE I WAS DYING and I just remember being in such severe pain I didn’t think I would ever be able to recover. I was officially one of those women who the hospital staff is afraid is going to give birth in the lobby!! And it sure freaking felt like I was going to!! They rushed us into a room (and luckily we  bypassed the whole question process that I was terrified of because of the sheer state I was in) & they checked my cervix — where I was 8cm dilated and 100% effaced!!! ALL AT HOME, totally natural!! I was so proud of myself and looked over to Patti and Jonathan who were equally shocked and excited.

This was the first time it felt real, that our baby was finally coming. Before that I had been in shock and denial and I had been nervous that somehow we would get there and they would tell me I was barely dilated or effaced. But being 100% effaced means that my entire cervix had thinned out, and I was nearly at 10cm and ready to push!! No wonder I had been in so much pain! This all felt very validating and suddenly I was a lot less scared because I knew this was all the process of birth, that Atticus was ready to come, and that everything had worked out just as it was supposed to

I think the original fear I had in the car was stemming from this belief that I somehow wasn’t in actual labor and that I genuinely thought I dying… this was a reaction I never anticipated whatsoever, but it very much symbolizes the “death process” I went through emotionally before giving birth. This was one final major universal test for me, and getting to the hospital and learning that I had labored that far naturally brought me the biggest sense of pride and joy I had ever known.

Somehow by the grace of God I was still able to get an epidural. This pain was honestly too much for me. I have immense, major respect for women who have fully unmedicated births. I feel like 90% of my birthing process was unmedicated, because it was! And I really got a taste of what that pain really is, and WOW. WOMEN!!! Are amazing. Just beyond anything I had ever even been able to comprehend before. I think if I had not gotten the epidural, Atticus would have been born right then and there, around 2:15am. (Probably 2:01 who are we kidding!!). But I somehow begged the anesthesiologist to bypass his routine question process to just give it to me before it was too late, and I really truly believe had we been 5 minutes later to the hospital it would not have been possible for me to get the epidural. I have hear da lot of women are unable to get it at 8cm so I was very lucky.

I have to say, the epidural felt like a gift from the GODS !!! I was so, so, so fatigued mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually from being in early labor for a month, and intense active labor for 7-ish hours… that without that incredible relief flowing through my system I just think the birth would have been an all around different and less pleasant experience. With the epidural, it was the exact experience I needed it to be. I finally got my relief, and I got to enjoy the last two and a half hours before my precious son came into this world. The nurses & doctors were like, “OH… you are a different person now, literally!!!” Once they got to see me calm and in my flow, truly excited to birth my baby boy, and back on this planet for a little while… they didn’t even recognize the screaming, panicked person I was when I came in. It just felt right, the way it was supposed to be. It ALL felt right and exactly as it was meant to be.

We took this at 3:58am, just a few minutes before I started to push!!

Time to push!!

At that time we went over our birth plan with our nurse (who was a saint and such an angel, truly), and Jonathan and I got to really soak in these final moments together knowing that it was time for our baby boy to come!! Around 3:45am our nurse said we should all get some rest and to tell her when I felt pressure because that would mean it was time to push. I swear not even 10 minutes passed before I felt the pressure, and we called her back in. She checked and I was 10cm dilated, 100% effaced, and ready to push!!! My water had broken about an hour before that, but I didn’t feel it because of the epidural! So wild.

Our nurse and Patti both reminded me that pushing can last a very long time, and to be prepared to potentially push for many hours. So again I geared up for a long process. By now it was around 4:15am. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that Atticus would be born at 4:44am, because I had gotten SO many signs that entire month with the numbers 444. I knew, if nothing else, that his little soul would be here and on my chest by 4:44. In that moment I had zero doubt. And by now I knew he was going to be born on the winter solstice, such an intense energetic portal, and everything fell into place. Now I knew why he didn’t come on the full moon, or any other day I had anticipated, and it was because he was waiting for this exact magical portal of energy to dive into this world!

I called on all of my angels, and visualized them surrounding me in the hospital room. I started to visually see each and every one of them. All of my grandparents, Jonathan’s grandparents, my sweet teacher Ms. LaMay, and a handful of loved ones who have passed on who’s souls I feel incredibly close to. I visualized my grandmother, and saw her handing me my baby boy, showing me that I was finally, finally ready to be his mama earth side. It was the SAME vision I saw the night before I took my positive pregnancy test, but this time it felt so much more immediate. I knew he was about to be here. The pushing process went incredibly quickly for us, which felt like the biggest gift!! I had Patti on one side holding up my leg, and Jonathan on the other side with the nurse down below. I felt so supported & so in awe.

After telling us that she wouldn’t be calling the doctor in until she could see the baby’s head, it was only a matter of minutes before our nurse was on the phone with the doctor telling her to come in!!! That was around 4:30am, and by then we could see his little head poking out! The pushing felt natural for me and I could feel that his little body was going to come out easily, I just knew that it would be a matter of minutes before he was on my chest. Also, thanks to the epidural, I could feel literally nothing except for pressure which was SUCH A PLEASURE after the pain and agony I had been in earlier.

The nurses said I could reach down and touch his head, which was the COOLEST THING EVER!! It made it feel so much more real and tangible, and made those final minutes of pushing even easier, knowing how soon he would be in my arms. I requested a mirror so that I could see the progress I was making while pushing. I continued to feel surrounded by my angels and guides, and could feel his spirit growing nearer and nearer to me. The room was surrounded by so much LOVE, such an intense bubble of light and such a deep spiritual energy it was palpable.

I kept thinking of Patti telling me that birth was all about going into the other realm to get my baby, and that’s exactly what I kept envisioning doing. I could feel his little spirit getting closer, and closer and closer.

And then, at 4:40 in the morning, right in the middle of the golden Sadhana hour (the spiritual hour known in kundalini as the moments when the veil to the next realm is the thinnest), in the midst of a huge burst of amniotic fluid Atticus came FLYING out!! I looked down and was truly shocked to see him on my stomach! I was still so deep into the birth portal, dipping into the other realms and still feeling the presence of my grandmother among all of our other beautiful angels- but the moment I laid eyes on him I burst into tears. After saying “Oh my gosh, MY BABY!!!” a few times (I know this because it’s all on a very intimate video), the first thing I said to him when they put him on my chest was, “You came home to me.”

I looked right into his little eyes, he was already SO alert, and felt the deepest connection I had ever known. To say we have known each other for many lifetimes is a true understatement. I knew the connection would be deep, but this was even deeper than I could have ever fathomed. I remember him crying his loud healthy little cry & being so relieved knowing that he was healthy and strong!! His little umbilical cord was already completely white when he came out, meaning that the delayed cord clamping was hardly even necessary! He was also wearing it around his neck like a necklace (not wrapped around his neck in a scary way) — an image I will remember forever. Jonathan cut the cord after we checked to make sure it was no longer pulsing, and at that moment they placed him high up on my stomach where he did the little army crawl to my chest and had his first latch to my breast. He latched right on! It was AMAZING to see and just beautiful to witness this incredible primal instinct that all babies have to latch right onto their mamas.

The first thing Jonathan said when Atticus came out was, “Is it him?! Is it Atticus?!” because for ALLLLLL of these months I had been saying that I needed to see his face first before I could be 150% sure that his name was Atticus. We have another boy’s name and I wanted to make sure that name wasn’t more suited for him, and the moment I saw him I was completely confident that he was NOT the other name, and completely our Atticus man. Strong, wise, stoic, mighty, DEEP, fiery, free, old soul energy, peaceful and grand, beautifully fierce. Our sweet son.

I have had the name Atticus picked out since I was in middle school. I had a very special teacher named Ms. LaMay (you may remember me talking about her on the podcast) who quite literally changed the course of my life. She read us To Kill a Mockingbird aloud that year, and she had incredible, theatrical voices for every character. I will NEVER forget her voice for Atticus Finch, or what an impact that book made on my life. Ms. LaMay told me that I was a writer, that the world needed my writing, and that it would be a disservice to not pursue this passion and bring my storytelling to the world. She tragically and suddenly passed away in mid 2017 and I have felt her spirit and her presence ever since… she guides me with all of my writing, and the story goes even deeper from there but we can save that for another day.

So ATTICUS has a very deep meaning to me, and is an ode to her as well as to the literary world. STORY is for storytelling, writing, the passion for words that runs through my veins. The “S” is for Sol – both Jonathan’s grandpa’s name and my brother-in-law’s grandpa’s name (I was very close to him as if he was my own grandfather!!). Atticus Story. It just fits. We have had this name picked out for many years.

I could not believe how perfectly aware he was, how big and strong he was, how this whole entire human grew in my body and was now here with us earth side. It was all too much to handle, in the best and most beautiful way. I instantly felt a magnetic connection to his soul, and I was overcome with this intense feeling that EVERYTHING happened the way it was supposed to. His conception, his birth, my healing journey, the long and then extremely rapid and beautiful labor and birth portal, the death cycles I had been through, every last bit of it. I flashed back to the spring when I was told not to try to conceive until I was “healthier,” and I felt like I was testing fate by waiting, so we stopped waiting and this perfect boy came. It was ALL meant to be.

In those moments he stared into my soul in the deepest way I have ever seen a human stare, and I knew instantly — this is my freaking SON!! He is a little piece of me!!! I thought he looked a lot like Jonathan’s dad at first glance, and Jonathan thought he looked just like my dad. That was so amazingly special, finally getting to see his little face and body.

That whole morning was so extremely special. We got to have the twilight hour just the three of us, bonding and cuddling and being in complete awe of each other. Later the nurses came back in to weigh him, and he weighed in at 6 lbs, 10 oz and was 19.5 inches long!!! He was exactly the size I thought he would be… right around 6 and a half pounds, just a little bigger than I was when I was born. Those few hours were a beautiful, blissful blur before we were taken to the postpartum recovery unit around 7am.

He came so quick we didn’t even have time to let most of our friends and family know he was on the way, so it was extra special to make those calls and FaceTimes in the wee hours of the morning and completely surprise our loved ones!!! I will NEVER forget FaceTiming my best friends Katie and Danielle and showing them his face — they were SHOCKED! They were two of the only people I sent a message to right before my labor got super intense, and they really thought I would still be in labor by the early morning! And FaceTiming my sister and brother in law was so extremely special, who didn’t even know I was in labor just a few hours before!

That morning the epidural wore off and I could then feel the pain (OH THE PAINNN) that I had missed during birth, and even though I had only two very small tears the pain was still very intense. And the hemorrhoids, MY GOD. I will talk more about this in the birth story podcast that J & I will record soon. But that was a really tough recovery for me, as I know it is for many women.

About an hour after Atticus was born with our beautiful doula Patti!

We spent the day in the recovery room in complete and total awe of our sweet boy, and I somehow waited until the very late morning to look up his astrology and Human Design!!! The WILD thing is that Atticus is indeed a Sagittarius just like we thought he would be, but if he had been born just 3 hours and 20 minutes later, he would have been a Capricorn!!! On 12.21.21 the sun sign switched to Capricorn at 8:01am, how crazy is that?!?! I AM NEVER OVER THIS! He wanted to be a fire sun, my sweet Sag boy, which is part of why this labor happened so quickly I am convinced. He is a Cancer Moon just like his mama, and a Scorpio rising. Fire, double water. And he is a 2/4 Manifesting Generator in HD, so he is going to give his mama a run for her money I just know it!!

My mom got to meet him that day while Jonathan went home to spend some time with Huddy, which was so incredibly special. Then, LONG story, we ended up being in the hospital for several days because his bilirubin levels were extremely elevated which caused severe jaundice in his little body. That time tested us like no other, and even though we got to go home on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day at home… we ended up back in the ER and then the hospital for another week because his levels spiked way up again. He was a little warrior, and those days were full of a lot of fear and uncertainty because no one knew why his levels were so high.

And though many people say jaundice is SO common (because it is!!), his levels were not common and that was raising some concerns. He got tons of blood tests during this time, and we had to make a lot of decisions that we were not prepared for (especially with zero sleep), basically being thrown right into the deep end of parenthood. Hence why the initiation period of it all at the end of my pregnancy was so extremely important!! I will talk WAY more about this soon, but just wanted to share a bit of it here because it was very much a big part of the way he came into this world.

The day we finally got to go home for good was the most blissful, blessed day I could ever imagine. We knew we were leaving those bleary eyed, tear stained, sleep deprived and uncertain hospital days behind us and we were so, so, so lucky and happy to go home. That time in the hospital gave us so much compassion for NICU babies and families, because oh my goodness no baby in the WORLD deserves to come into the world that way. And as a recovering mama right after giving birth, to not even be able to sleep in our bed, have my clothes, take a proper shower, have access to any of my comforts, sleep even one wink, etc. was very hard. But we were just grateful for our healthy boy and to get good news after all of his blood tests came back normal and his levels started to finally go down!

& since then, has just been a MAGICAL, OTHERWORLDLY whirlwind!!!! We are soaking in every moment. This is the longest by far that I have been on a computer or even a device since he was born. I am trying my best to honor the first 40 days, and I am so grateful to have a lot of support from family, friends, my postpartum doula, Jonathan of course (HE IS THE MOST HANDS ON DAD!!!) & beyond.

I will do lots of followup posts about motherhood, breastfeeding, Atticus’s soul and spirit, and then some, and keep an eye out for our birth story podcast episode. This is almost 10,000 words already so I will put a pin in it here.

& Atticus Story, if you are reading this in the future, I love you so much. Thank you for changing my life, for rocking my world, for awakening my soul, for bringing me your old wise soul and showing me the meaning of life. I am rethinking everything now, and I have no idea what I will go back to in terms of my work & career — I have so many new things I want to do now, and I have a feeling that ALL of the best is yet to come.

I LOVE YOU ALL, thank you for reading and supporting our growing family. It is both vulnerable and exciting to share such intimate moments with you guys, and I felt like it was finally time to share snippets of this wild and magical night + solstice morning with you guys. I am never over it, I am fully in awe and reverence. The birth process IS magic. I cannot wait to hear your thoughts, please share them below, and leave any followup questions you have!!

XO forever, Jordan, Jonathan, Atticus & Hudson

I am setting the scene for you because this vibe by the ocean makes my soul feel ALIVE. I have been in a mental and physical rut this summer, I guess we can just get into it. But now, with the onset of this new season and what I know to be a true shift having taken place within me, I am slowly beginning to feel so much more like myself. I feel like ten million bricks have been lifted off of my chest, especially with the shifts that took place after this week’s Pisces full moon. I feel like myself again, but a new self — a new me after walking through the fire. Also I am kind of like… How many times does one human have to walk through the fire?! It’s an ever-evolving part of the human journey, I supposed. But here we are.

The rut I experienced this summer was a combination of a lot of things. A lot of it was, you guessed it, pregnancy related. I love new experiences (and I PRAYED for this experience, so I am grateful no matter what) but when they have to do with my body rapidly changing and my pain and discomfort levels increasing dramatically — and then a bunch of my usual healing modalities are taken off the table — it takes me some time to adjust!! Being such a highly sensitive person in my body has definitely made all of the feelings and emotions in pregnancy feel more significant than I ever imagined they would.

So, the pregnancy updates. I am officially 27 weeks pregnant this Saturday, which means I am just a week away from being in my third trimester! HOW! I realize now more than anything that pregnancy is a journey into the soul in and of itself. This is why they say in most spiritual teachings that pregnancy is what prepares you for motherhood, because now all of the sudden the mother’s life is no longer just about her. Her body is taken over, literally and figuratively, and her every move starts to be different because now her life is about someone else — who suddenly and immediately feels so much more important and fragile in every way!

You guys, you know me. I am a rebel by design. Typically I do the opposite of what I am told. So being pregnant and now having my baby boy’s needs to put before my own, I find myself being a lot more cautious. For example, so much of what has been a huge part of my healing is not accessible for me in pregnancy. A few of those things have been infrared sauna, cryotherapy, cupping, psychedelics, ketamine IV’s, hot yoga (my daily practice since I was 14!!), medicinal mushrooms, adaptogens, International travel (I MISS YOU BALI), the list goes on. I always thought that it would be so easy to give all of that up when I got pregnant, or that I would be my usual rebellious self and do most of it anyway, but here we are. I have not felt comfortable doing any of those things, which has led me to lean into new ways of coping. Ultimately it’s been good because it’s taught me a lot to find new ways to cope, but I cannot say that it has been easy.

They say it’s common to be ultra careful in your first pregnancy, and that’s totally how I have been. I have barely even gotten on a plane in the last 7 months!! Only twice for very specific circumstances. I haven’t gotten my nails done, I didn’t touch caffeine for the first trimester, I have opted out of most large gatherings except for a few very important and special weddings, you guys get the picture! And honestly a lot of that has been a RELIEF and a breath of fresh air. I realized when I got pregnant that I was still operating under such extremely high stress at all times. Needing to be everything to everyone, to be everywhere, to make my business the best it can be, overcommit and overachieve in all the ways. Although I have slowed down a lot over the years I realized I still had/have such a long way to go.

So most of this, dare I say it, has been a very good thing! I feel like I am getting a crash course in motherhood, and I can hope in some ways that my postpartum journey may be easier (I am manifesting this) because I have gone through so many difficult emotions throughout the whole pregnancy. Who knows if this is just wishful thinking but it makes sense to me that it could be true.

I wanted to write this post because I want to tell you guys the ways that I have put myself back together again, and have found my happiness again after feeling really out of sorts for several months.

How I have found my happiness after a hard few months:

But not just found my happiness, I have found a new happiness. A stronger, more grounded, more resilient one. That is such an important thing to remember. That when we really go through the wringer, we become so much more resilient. I am not simply feeling happier now, I am feeling pretty damn unshakeable. I have seen some DARK days, between Lyme and now having a harder time adjusting to a new phase of life, and I know everyone here has been through their own type of darkness. Maybe you haven’t, and if that’s the case… maybe you’re avoiding feeling it? Lol.

I am so freaking grateful for the dark days, because they are paving way for me to see and feel and experience so much new light. This morning I felt like I was chained to my bed because my back pain was SO BAD and I also have been getting no sleep this week. I had a migraine, brain fog, pinched nerve pain radiating through my body, the whole works. It also reminded me of Lyme, which is never fun and always hard to get past. So I recognized my old pattern creeping up, “You should just stay in bed, save your energy, don’t move around because it might hurt too bad, let’s just scroll Instagram and serve the community here by posting etc etc” and I realized no, that’s the toxic pattern that I want to get out of!

So instead, I read a few chapters of a good book I am into right now and then peeled myself out of bed to do a short Melissa Wood Health prenatal flow. Key word: short. I felt like my energy had been sucked out of me into the earth before I started. I’m telling you the only thing that got me out of bed was the sheer knowing that if I stayed in bed, it was about to be a really depressing day. But then, once I got moving, and the cracks started happening in my body and my joints started loosening up, and then my heart rate rose a bit and I started to sweat… I started to feel alive again. Energetic, even! And then you know what happens from there once the endorphins start flowing. Everything starts to get better.

One huge thing I want you guys to know (especially if you have chronic illness or are having a tough pregnancy) is that you do not have to bust your ass in a workout to get the mental health benefits of an endorphin rush. You also don’t have to have any energy to start a workout. You can crawl your way onto your yoga mat next to your bed like I have done many thousands of times in my life, and just lay in child’s pose. Put on some good music. Usually, almost always, more movement will come. Even just a little bit. And it will feel amazing,

After that morning flow I felt on top of the world. I felt like the energy of the universe was flowing through me, and I started getting downloads right and left. The main download being: we are in control of our own happiness. No one else can do it for us. No one can create it for us, and no one can take it away from us. We are all in control of what makes us feel alive, and it is up to us to DO THAT and go after it.

It’s so simple, really. My personal formula for feeling good is: movement, nature, breathing, writing, gratitude, focus on people I love, presence, repeat.

If I do each of those things every day, I am happy. Today is one of those days. I did 30-ish minutes of movement, I am currently sitting outside by the beach, focusing on my breath, I wrote in my journal for an hour this afternoon, I am feeling DEEP gratitude for my life and all that it is, I have spoken to and spread love to many people I love and care about today (just via text/phone), and Jonathan is meeting me out here in Malibu for dinner tonight so I will put the tech away and just be in the MOMENT with him!

It’s sad for me to think about all of the days, both recently and throughout my life, that much of those things didn’t exist in my day to day life. When I was really sick and also really in pain from the pregnancy I convinced myself that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t exercise or walk, and that it would just make things worse to get outside and leave my bed. I definitely wasn’t focusing on my breath or affirmations, and I was feeling so low I wasn’t practicing a lot of gratitude or presence or really spending quality time with my loved ones. I will say that even on my worst days I continued writing, and that helped me so much.

This morning when I had this realization of my simple personal formula for happiness, I was elated. I cannot even tell you. I already knew all these things, but being reminded how EASY it is to feel good… and how in control I am of it and that no one else can take any of those things away from me… felt revolutionary.

If you listened to my solo episode from yesterday, then you know I have also dealt with a lot of cyber bullying this year. From huge journalists and small internet trolls alike. It has been exhausting, and has left me questioning in many ways do I even WANT a life on the internet? So the realization this morning that struck me in particular was that no one can take my happiness away from me.

When I feel aligned, when I feel free, and open, and happy, and I am putting myself first and what I need — the joy just radiates. It feels so good. And in that case, no amount of judgment or strangers hating on the internet could ever take my peace away from me.

THAT feels good.

So always remember my loves, no one can take your happiness from you + you are in control of your own happiness in every way.

If you are having a hard day, there will always be a better day to follow.

If you feel like the darkness is never-ending, do something to switch up your routine. Commit to YOU. It’s so true that the littlest things in our day are the things that have the power to change our lives.

Some other quick updates: I am feeling super inspired to let the energy of the universe flow through me right now, to create meditations for you guys, write the books that are coming through, get our home ready for baby boy, and allow these shifts permeating in my life to really take hold.

What are you excited about right now? Did you need to hear anything specific in this post that spoke to you? Let me know. Love you all so much, and cannot wait to write to you again very soon. 

How is everyone doing? January flew by. I cannot believe it’s already February, and that we’ve passed my favorite date of the year 2/01 . I really feel it has been an interesting year so far, with as many downs as ups. At least for me. I know everyone was so eager for 2020 to end, but I kept having the distinct feeling that the turn of a new year might not end up being the end-all-be-all miracle maker people were hoping for.

I say this not to be negative but to remind you that we can choose to live in the light at any time, in any space. Especially when things are hard. My personal life has been pretty wild ever since 2021 started, mostly due to health stuff and a ton of anxiety coming up around that. As many of you know I have been detoxing from Lyme & mold for years, and this year I have gotten some potent reminders that that is *still* very much a part of my reality, and something to detox from and not turn a blind eye to.

People see me online every day living my life to my most joyous ability and ask me how I healed from chronic illness. I know I look healthy and I oftentimes even feel really healthy! Hear me out… my mind lives in a place where illness doesn’t exist. I know how to tap into levels of consciousness where I disconnect from the body, and connect to my eternal spirit and heart. For that reason I can go weeks, even months sometimes feeling like I have this whole chronic illness thing handled.

But because I have huge intentions to heal fully, to optimize my energy, to become a mother, and eradicate Lyme/dis-ease from my body in all ways… there are times I have to live in the world too. I can still live in my white light bubble of a healthy reality (and trust me, I do! My meditations take me there every day!) but my physical body has true ailments that I can’t ignore.

As Ram Dass, my teacher in this realm & now realms beyond, says, “Before the stroke, I was on a very spiritual plane. I ignored my body, took it for granted. When I look at my life, I see that I wanted to be free of the physical plane, the psychological plane, and when I got free of those, I didn’t want to go anywhere near them. But the stroke reminded me that I had a body and a brain, that I had to honor them.”

I feel a bit that way about Lyme. It has come to me far earlier in life than his stroke had come to him, but if I had to guess I would think that the stroke came to him to be his teacher. To remind him that living here, taking care of the body and brain just as much as we take care of the spirit, is part of the human experience. Wow it brings me to tears to even write this. As much as I feel like I have been trying to do that, and I treat my body as my temple above all else, there is so much more healing to be had. So much more health and alignment and energy for my body to experience.

I am going to be real with you guys, this can be very frustrating. I have had quite a few breakdowns about it this year alone. Like hysterical sob on the floor breakdowns asking the universe why I even have to be on this planet experiencing this level of pain STILL. It can be impossibly tough to feel like my body is failing me. To feel like my body isn’t getting on board with the full healing I know and believe is mine to be had. But then I have to go inward, go deeper, and realize: Oh shit. The full lesson has not been learned yet.

My god you guys the full lesson really hasn’t been learned yet. I was told early on in my life that I “think through writing,” and now that I am writing this post I am realizing this yet again to be true. When I write, I get in touch with what I really feel. When I write, divine spirit flows through me. And when I write, the essence of truth comes through. So to give you a really honest & really real-time update, I still have lessons to learn.

The lessons I am still learning and soaking in are… to further slow down, to say “no” a lot more, to hold stronger boundaries, tap deeper into my psychic abilities, work on focus & commitment to myself and what is important to me, stop comparing myself to who I used to be, and worry less about what others think of me or if I’ve accidentally upset someone (this is big for Libra my god). I know my soul is calling me to tap into my inner artist and visionary. Put a LOT less pressure on myself. The pressures I do put on myself are beyond. Just wow.

I have a feeling many of you can relate. It’s like all I want is to heal so all I do is keep putting pressure on myself in other areas to “be normal” when the truth is I am not normal at all. In fact my friend Krista said to me a few weeks ago, “Why are we even trying to pretend like you’re normal and that you should be doing things in a normal way?” I have been leaning into that more this year and the GROWING PAINS OF GROWTH !!!! You guys. Oh my god they’re intense. I have had to stop and ask myself 19238198129 times, “Am I really doing this?” and then I have tried to weasel my way back into my nice little box of putting everyone & everything before myself and ignoring what I really need.

Okay, so that is the health update on a mental and emotional level. On a psychical and energetic level, I have been seeing my Chinese medicine doctor religiously twice a week this year (thanks to my angel Kenzie for bringing her into my life) and the news I have gotten has been intense. Think rampant Lyme, mold, parasites, heavy metals, radiation, liver issues, thyroid, and a few other things. The radiation is from 5G so I do want to encourage everyone to be really careful and invest in some EMF blockers — these have been life changing. More on that soon.

So now I am on about 20 high quality supplements, herbs, & detoxification homeopathics to pull this shit OUT. My doctor thinks it will take 4-5 months at the quickest but I am committed to getting this shit out in less time. I have been detoxing for years. I know there is still a constant buildup but I feel really good about the work I have done and my commitment to healing.

Other noteworthy things I have tried for Lyme & mold lately & in the past:

+ SOT (Supportive Oligonucleotide Technique) which is a treatment for Lyme and cancer that utilizes short DNA or RNA segments to block the expression of critical segments of genes needed for Lyme or viruses to survive and replicate.

+ Neurofeedback which is a treatment for the nervous system that can help calm brainwaves associated with agitation, obsessive thoughts and fear associated with this stress response.

+ Stem cells which come from a newborn embryo have been used successfully to treat Lyme disease symptoms. Studies show reduced fatigue, reduced insomnia, better concentration, less pain, and less symptoms overall.

+ IV ozone, hyperbaric chamber, hypnotherapy, mindfulness meditations, herbs and supplements, IV nutrients, Myers’ cocktails, IV Rocephin, water fasting, juice fasting, colonics, acupuncture, plant medicine, the Medical Medium protocol  & SO MANY OTHER THINGS are what I have tried over time and all of those things worked for me at different times in my healing journey.

What I currently do daily to manage my symptoms:

+ The herbs & supplements from my TCM doctor that I mentioned above. I don’t share my specific supplements because I think it’s important to be treated holistically as an individual since all symptoms are so different!

+ Celery juice and/or lots of green juice daily to stay hydrated, get proper nutrients, detoxify, flood my body with the good stuff, and flush out the toxins.

+ I sit in my infrared sauna for 45 minutes to an hour each day to REALLY sweat it all out, and I take a charcoal binder to pull the toxins out while I sweat. I recommend starting slow with the sauna and working your way up, because your body will re-assimilate the toxins if you are not ready for the full detox — which takes time. The brand of sauna I have is from Heal With Heat, and the code BLONDE will get you a discount + free shipping. I highly recommend them as they are the best of the best with the lowest EMF. The charcoal binder I can take can be found on my Amazon page!

+ I do a daily coffee enema for detoxification and to pull the toxins out of my gut and colon. This is amazing for those of us who struggle with detoxification due to the MTFHR gene which many who suffer from chronic illness do. This is also amazing for parasite removal, liver support, skin, regulation of digestion, and of course for constipation. A question I get often is do we become reliant of coffee enemas if we do them too often? Of course we are all different but I don’t believe we do if we are using the correct green coffee (very anti-inflammatory & low caffeine) that is not addictive to the body. Just don’t use a harsh dark roast — that would not feel good!

+ I do daily mindfulness meditations where I envision myself as the healthy, energized, free spirited, LYME FREE version of myself walking about the world and doing what I love. I love Joe Dispenza meditations for this, as well as my recent Cosmic Meditation that I released on the podcast is a great way to connect deeper with the body, your spirit guides, your angels, and your higher self.

+ I have a strong spiritual practice outside of my meditation where I connect with my angels, spirit guides, nature, and my soul through writing & taking daily walks outside. GROUNDING is a proven healing technique where you electrically reconnect to the earth. The negative ions charge your body and reconnect you to the beautiful healing power of nature.

+ Journaling & doing the Artist’s Way, which reconnects me to my inner artist & inner child.

+ I take many supplements for the gut and for bloating, which have greatly relieved my body from constant discomfort from food, etc. I LOVE Arrae‘s bloating supplement (code BLONDE for free shipping), MaryRuth Organic‘s liquid probiotic (code BLONDE for a discount), as well as all things Cured Nutrition CBD (code BLONDE) for relaxation, digestion & healing.

+ My PLANT BASED DIET !! All the way. This healing, anti-inflammatory way of life has been truly healing for me, and has been the absolute biggest game changer of all. I developed The Celestial Diet  to really be able to share this healing, SOS-free, anti-inflammatory way of life in a bigger way. Lots more on that to come. Be sure you are subscribed to my newsletter to receive those updates!

+ Weekly colonics, which are a total game changer. To continue releasing toxins, especially in a deeper way than the enemas are able to do. I think of enemas as maintenance, and colonics as the deep healing.

+ Mindful movement: walking, yoga, Pilates.

+ Tons of relaxation & SLEEP. I sleep for 9+ hours a night or else I am wrecked. My healing body has needed a lot of rest, and I think getting enough sacred sleep is one of the most healing things we can do for ourselves. To be real with you I cannot sleep these days without melatonin or CBD, so I usually take both at night!

+ Plant medicine, all the way, baby.  I do a lot of micro-dosing, and my deeper Ayahuasca & psylocibin journeys have brought me an extreme amount of deep peace.

+ Healing music! I listen to mantra music, binaural beats, Ram Dass, and Abraham Hicks on repeat. All the time. I cannot listen to intense music or watch intense TV shows/movies (for the most part — I do love a good dark TV show) because I really believe the energy and frequency of everything we spend our time doing sticks with us.

+ I surround myself with positive people who get me. My tribe is everything. I have the dearest friends in the world, and I have released my toxic friendships/relationships from my life. This is huge.

+ I use only CLEAN / non toxic products in my home. I love the brand Branch Basics for this, and you can use BLONDE for a discount.

Alright! I know that is a lot but I truly cannot even convey to you in one post all of the things that I do to heal!! Again, I recommend heading to my Amazon shop page to find more of my favorite healing products — physical & spiritual! If I had to choose ONE thing that is helping me heal the most right now, it would be finding my TCM doctor and the deep work we are doing together. She is truly shamanic. The second thing would be releasing toxicity in my life, and the third would be meditation / journaling.

My husband and my parents are also my rocks. That has been huge in my healing. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a supportive group of people around you, whether that group be big or small. Having Lyme has cracked my heart wide open and taught me to ask for help when I need it, and let help in. I really feel Jonathan and my mom and dad have been my angels in this process… and for that I am forever grateful.

Any questions below? I would love to hear them. Do you struggle with Lyme or chronic illness? Would love to hear about YOU & what has been working for you below. Share all with me !!  Massive, endless love to you & I hope this post has helped you in some way.

BEYOND the fact that we know it’s coming, I am sure many of us have been feeling it. Do you feel like ideas are coming to you clearer, things you have been visualizing and manifesting for a long time now are flowing your way with ease, that a portal has opened up between you & the Universe and you can feel it ALL? Perhaps your energy is dipping low or rising high, old patterns are coming up so you can finally break them, or things have just been emotional. Alternately, maybe you’re feeling high on life. Or all of that in one day? Every day? Just me? Lol.

So let’s discuss. What’s happening is called  The Great Conjunction , and I have so many things to say about it. Per usual I have a bit of a unique approach to this day, because I am TBB after all and I never quite agree with everything that people say about something. But I do pick up bits and pieces, research a shit ton, hold onto what feels true to me, look to my guides, channel about it and then form my own opinion. So that’s what I’m going to share with you today!

First & foremost just know, this day is massive. We are being called to wake UP on deeper levels. Things are shifting on the planet. Our manifestations are flowing to us with ease & grace. Old, stale things are ending so that what is meant for us can flow into our lives. And if you’re anything like me, ideas are flowing in like wildfire. It’s time to harness them & truly bring them to reality + fruition.

Astrologically, What is Happening?! //

In essence, what is actually taking place is that Jupiter & Saturn will be coming together in the sky in a “great conjunction,” getting closer to each other than they have been in 800 years — literally within touching distance! They will form one big star in the sky & it will be visible to the naked eye just after sunset.

The conjunction itself is taking place in Aquarius, which is an air sign (it’s also my rising & my North Node!!) that depicts innovation, humanitarianism, independence, forward thinking, weird & out there stuff, the Internet, friendship, massive forward change, and doing things differently. In many spiritual schools of thought the Age of Aquarius that we are in now & getting deeper into after this conjunction is where the NEW EARTH will rise, and things will be done differently. Success will be achieved differently. It’s the FLOWY way.

In my opinion this means that the divine feminine, flowy, effervescently light & easeful energy will rise as the new way of doing things, and society as a whole will get a huge upgrade to doing things in a more light filled way. Basically, the 5D way.  Many of us have already been doing this, but it has not been accepted in society or considered the norm. For example when I left grad school to blog full-time and my entire family was petrified & thought I had lost my mind — and it ended up being the best thing I’ve ever done. Fully guided by intuition. That is just one example of many. Divine trust, blind guidance in source & the utmost faith. Faith is a big word coming in right now, overall.

Aquarius is also the sign of intuition. It’s intellectual & idealistic, very romantic in many ways. So the fact that Saturn & Jupiter are meeting in this beautifully intuitive and innovative place in the night sky marks a huge change for humanity as a whole. For the last two centuries the great conjunction has taken place in Earth signs, all about stability & grounding. A more masculine way of doing things. That served us on this planet up until this point, but we are reaching a new time. A New Earth.

CELESTIAL MAGIC, YA HEAR ME !!

What are people saying about it?! //

This event is also linked to biblical times, to the fabled Christmas Star of Bethlehem that led the Three Wise Men to the baby Jesus. So many people believe this will be the Second Coming of Christ, or at least will by leading us closer to the Second Coming. Others believe it will be the apocalypse & the end of the world (don’t worry, it won’t) which is a darker approach to the conjunction that I very much do not agree with. Us workers of the light know & believe that this ascension on the planet will only bring good things.

There are a million other theories out there. That half the world will die and half will live. That anyone who isn’t living in the 5D light will vanish. On & on. Again, in my opinion, those theories are dark. I don’t do dark. I do shadow, but not darkness.

What people are saying that I fully agree with is that on this day a huge portal to the cosmos will open up and it will be the most potent day of the year to manifest and call in what we desire. It’s also the BEGINNING, so there is no rush. If you don’t feel a massive change on the day of, that’s okay and there is nothing to be disappointed about. Many people believe we will wake up on the 22nd feeling brand new upgrades in our bodies & spirits — and that I definitely do agree with.

There are so many other opinions too — and I really love what a lot of light-filled teachers & friends of mine have to say about it. It will be a portal, a gateway, a rapid ascension and and escalation of all of the upgrades we have been experiencing all year. If you are tapped in, you have probably been feeling it for months now. I know I have been feeling it for at least 8 or 9 weeks… experiencing WILD, previously unexplainable things & my life has changed vastly for the better during this time.

What is TBB saying, thinking, feeling, transmuting, experiencing?! //

Here’s what I think. We have been moving toward a new earth, a new way of doing things, to the 5D ascension for a long time. This year it’s like we’ve been put in a time machine basically and all of the lessons, upgrades, ideas, pattern breaking, ascension, and “death of self” / die off of the ego & old way of doing things has been turned WAY up — so that essentially if you’re paying attention, and doing the work, then you’ve kind of accelerated 20+ years of work in a single year.

It might sound like a lot but I deeply believe this. I believe it mostly because I have experienced it firsthand, and this year it has been shown to me just HOW MUCH I came to this earth to experience them in the deepest way so that I can transmute them and share them to help heal the collective. It’s the work of a really, really old soul who has done this many times. It’s also the path of the wounded healer. It is easy? Absolutely not at all. Is it worth it? Yes. I know in my bones it’s what I came here to do it and it is a MASSIVE freakin relief to be living my dharma and sharing from the deepest core of my eternal soul, through lifetimes.

My life in the last few months has been INSANE. In the absolute best way. I will try my best to put it into words because the work & healing of lifetimes has taken place. Starting at the end of September, big shifts started to happen in my life. It began with the culmination of debilitating, full body anxiety that would send me into spiraling panic attacks & nights on end of absolutely no sleep whatsoever. This was not new for me, but it was obviously intensified. I turned 30 October and it was a beautiful celebration of life, and I started to feel a bit more at ease, but the anxiety was still raging. I was SO AWARE that deep upgrades of energy were taking place so I allowed myself to stay along for the ride.

My psychic abilities were opening and heightening at warp speed. That part was actually very exciting. By the end of October, I was feeling more in control & in power of harnessing this MASSIVE amount of energy. My highest soul self realized that the anxiety was being caused by an influx of energy & light shining into this earth (from the cosmos) and that those of us who are awake to it can really, really feel it. From there, I went through a serious death of the old self. It was beautiful and intense. I cried for DAYS about shedding old skins, releasing old patterns, letting go of old friendships / relationships that no longer serve me (do you know how hard this is for a Libra Sun, Cancer Moon, Reflector Soul to do!??!), and WATCHED my life transform before my eyes.

From there, I regularly entered portals with close souls in my life almost daily. Because of the letting go I finally allowed myself to do, there was room for new energy & FRESH, alive, aligned humans to come into my life. I am also referring to people who have been in my life for a long, long time (as well as a few new) — our relationships deepened and flourished in a way my soul had been dreaming of. It was everything I needed and more. With that support, I kept diving into these portals. TIME stopped feeling like it existed. I would regularly sit on the couch with a dear friend (Jenna I am looking at you!!) and 11 hours would pass in the blink of an eye. Next thing we knew it would be 3am and I would be simply too bamboozled to drive, grocery shop, or do anything human because the upgrades were so otherworldly & intense.

LIFETIMES of pain were worked out in those portal sessions. They were never planned, they just happened. In Santa Barbara a few weeks ago I entered massive portals with my sweet Kenzie, another sister through lifetimes, and we healed so much by reflecting our journeys back to one another. The journeys have not been easy. They have been deeply painful, and deeply parallel. But through that pain we have risen. I truly believe to LIVE in the light & manifest with great ease, one must shed the old stories which requires going through the mulch. Releasing the lineage pain. Forging a new path by believing in (and then acting ON) a new way.

Jonathan and I also went on a deep aya journey, which you can read about here, that entered me into a portal LIKE NEVER BEFORE. It’s important to note that all of the other portals I’ve spoken about have been 100% natural (no medicine or anything), while this one was more so assisted by plant medicine. However the medicine assisted me for weeks before and weeks afterward, continuing to uncover truths & reverse old patterns & to quote one of my old TBV Apparel shirts, “LET THAT SHIT GO!!!” It’s been MASSIVE.

How to Harness This Portal Energy?! &  Journaling Prompts  //

Now, after the story above (I know it was lengthy I always have so much to say!!!), which I really hope you can see elements of yourself in, either now or in the coming months… can we all agree that my FACE HAS CHANGED? Even my body? I have been getting so many beautiful comments and messages about how I just look different now. It’s less of an aesthetic thing and more of an aura. Someone told me yesterday on Instagram that it looks like there is a halo of light around me now. I say this not out of ego at all but out of pure ENERGY. Energy sees energy. There are so many empathic, psychic, intuitive humans out there and we are all waking up. If you see something in me, it’s because it’s in you, too. I am simply here to reflect it back to you.

Okay, HARNESS IT BACK IN, JORDAN !! I am feeling myself about to go on a tangent full of so much abundant life force energy I can hardly contain myself. So there is definitely a lot more to come. But let’s focus now on harnessing the portal energy, shall we?

So we are approaching this New Earth. It’s a beautiful thing. In the 5D, there is only light. Only love. Only unity consciousness. In the 5D, humans KNOW that only love is real. You can learn all about this 5D ascension in my free spiritual awakening PDF, here! 

5D is the dimension beyond linear time & space, which means that many different timelines / realities are available to access there. Physical existence is still possible on this plane, although the body is lighter and of a different cellular structure. When the physical body is fully transformed into this light body, there is no pain. Further, there is no fear. It is the plane of unconditional love and abundance, manifest in the physical. SO CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL OF SOCIETY ASCENDING TO THIS NOW??!

No, I don’t believe it will happen overnight. No, I don’t believe that someone can go from a lower density consciousness to a higher light-being consciousness just because of this portal. But I DO believe & know, that people who are already living in the light can harness this energy to ascend, ascend, ascend into the 5D at a much more rapid pace.

To harness this energy, I encourage us all to journal, meditate, listen to this bomb ass playlist, take a hot bath, go outside & look at the CONJUNCTION & then the MOON, and call IN the energy of the cosmos that is shining brightly on us now. Take time for yourself on the 21st, and for the potent & sensitive week that will follow. Cry, be open to change, trust your ideas, tap into your inner child & creativity, feel it all. The questions below can be used as  journaling prompts …

I do believe our society is moving toward this utopia. Slowly but surely. Things are changing. But as they change, old ways have to die. You guys know I am passionate about food. The horrifying amount of food (and the type of food) the FDA tells us to eat… is a lie. It’s garbage & a total lie. I hate to be negative but this is just plain fact. That is why I have been talking so much about THE CELESTIAL DIET on social media, and will continue to provide so much info about everything that means & more.

So when it comes to nourishing our bodies, ask yourself during this portal: Am I eating in a way that I have chosen for myself intuitively that feels good, or am I eating in a way I have been told?

To bring that concept even further, ask yourself when it comes to every situation in life: Have I chosen this for myself, or am I following what someone else has told me? 

Am I truly happy in my relationships & friendships, or am I simply complacent because I feel like this is all I deserve and all I’ve ever known? 

Do I believe there is a better path for me, one where I am truly happy & in alignment?

Am I truly happy in my career, and what drives me? Is it a desire to do what I love, or to fulfill my role in society the way in which I have been programmed?

What in my life would I love to change that I have been too afraid to say out loud or even admit to myself?

What is my wildest dream & what is holding me back from that being my reality?

Where can I surrender? And then surrender more?

What habits can I create in my daily life to bring my wildest dreams to fruition?

Where am I still living in the density of 3D (listening to others’ voices instead of my own) & where can I rise to the fifth dimension & beyond?

Which Starseed energy speaks to me the most & how can I harness in on that heading into 2021? (More on that from me coming soon… )

Where do I still feel dense & heavy in my life? How can I transmute that by shifting what I consume, with food, people, the media & beyond?

Do what feels good to you on this day. Get into nature. Don’t worry about what others need from you. Focus on giving yourself what YOU need. This is the beginning of a new way. Take it slow. No need for life to change overnight… but you will feel the divine push of the universe behind you now to assist you in your FLOW. It’s good. Real good.

More on the food portion of this soon. You guys know that merging spirituality & food is part of what I came here to do. Get ready for some CONTENT ON CONTENT about that, starting this week!

Ok those are some great prompts to start with, and I will keep the Inspo coming on my Insta, email newsletter, & beyond. We will harness this portal energy together & ascend, ascend, ascend  into the 5D!!! WHO IS READY???? Tell me belooowwww if you are, I want to hear everything!!

Sounds weird for a being who connects daily with the light, right? Not at all. Experiencing darkness is part of the human condition. There is a constant duality between the darkness and the light, and my belief is that without experiencing darkness we cannot fully appreciate the blessings from the light. But it still sucks to wake up and feel shitty, or to have full days that just feel so OFF.

Today for me was one of those days. Let’s get into it.

I woke up and immediately felt that feeling of… Oh. Darn. I really liked being asleep and living in my magical dreamland. Huddy was on my chest, purring his heart out, and I was holding him like a real life teddy bear. He always sleeps on my heart when I need an extra tune up. And not one but TWO of my friends texted me in the morning letting me know that Huddy & I were there healing them and playing with them in the astral plane (in their dreams!!).

So as you can imagine, waking back up into this reality just felt harsh after being in that beautiful healing space with my soul and Hud’s soul. What I do upon waking up when my mind goes to that place is repeat the mantra: “I am whole. I am beautiful. I am abundant. I am at peace.” I repeat it over and over until it really soaks in for me and I start to feel more hopeful about the day and more at peace with living with chronic pain.

And usually, once I get up and start my day, have my celery juice and coffee, do a meditation and some journaling or reading (The Daily Stoic is my morning go-to at the moment), then I really start to feel better. I ease into my body, into this existence, and tap back into how lucky I am to live a life that I love. I surround myself with people I love and make sure that every day I get into nature, write, move my body, communicate with my TBB fam (you guys), and connect with my loved ones. Those are some of my personal keys to happiness.

But some days… that routine just doesn’t cut it. Some days the reality of Lyme takes over, and sometimes I soak in the despair of the collective (I am a Reflector after all… it is not easy to have so many open chakras and centers. ALL of mine are open! Every single one!) and just feel exhausted by the mere thought of life. I really attribute this very much to being a very, very, very old soul. And to being so sensitive and soaking in other people’s emotions. Which I know many of us do.

Something that is said about Reflectors is that our health reflects the state of the world. So as you can imagine right now with the state of the world being in upheaval in many ways, my body’s baseline is upheaval. My nervous system feels flighty and fluttery and on edge so much of the time, and I have to work in my constant daily practice of tuning in, giving myself rest, and getting back to my heart center to even feel remotely at peace most days.

So here’s how I dealt with the darkness today…

Today was one of those rough ones. It was such a blessing because I had nowhere to be, and I try to work those days into my schedule as much as I can. But I still work, work, work no matter where I am or what I am doing. I don’t really know how to “rest” with much ease, so that is something I am currently working on. I woke up and instead of working just worked my ass off from bed which is… a whole other story. My work addiction!

I noticed myself slipping into a darker and darker mental space as the day went on, almost in a chemical sort of way, so I intervened by hopping in my sauna and listening to a high vibe podcast. Sweating out toxins is huge for us sensitive beings of light (which I am willing to bet includes so many of you reading) and tried to repeat to myself: Just stay calm. There is nowhere to be. No pressure to feel. It’s all working out exactly as its meant to.

I started to feel better and more inspired in the sauna, but by the time I got out I felt so DRAINED of all life force energy I just felt frustrated and sad. It’s a weird dance to be on the healing upswing from such a severe illness… because some days are very energizing and beautiful, and some days are so EXTREMELY depleting just simply being alive and doing nothing. This is not a complaint because I really feel and know that Lyme has been a gift to me. But it doesn’t take away the fact that being painfully exhausted just by being human is hard!

So I did something I never do. I laid down some towels (because I was still dripping from the sauna), chugged my electrolyte water, and laid down on my couch. Fully midday. Anyone who has lived with me will tell you I have never really sat on the couch in any home I’ve ever lived in. It’s this weird thing to me where especially during the day I have this huge mental block of refusing to “be lazy.” For whatever reason that’s what my brain associates the couch with — unless of course I am working on the couch. Now we can see why Lyme was my greatest teacher, yes?

Then I felt this deep calling, this INNATE PULL from deep inside of me to pull up a Past Life Regression Hypnosis on YouTube. I have done a past life regression with a therapist before (you can listen to my episode with that therapist on the pod here), but never on my own at home just for kicks. I have actually been feeling called to do this for a while but I was always turned off by how long the meditations are and how much time I would need to dedicate.

So I found one on YouTube that called to me and it was a little over an hour long. Again, that is a long meditation to do spontaneously in the middle of the day! But I was so up for it. I already felt my body melting into the couch with less than zero life force energy to speak of, and my energetic soul was buzzing to have this experience.

Side note: I am going to create a meditation like this for Waking Back Up To Your Own Soul, and had major visions of it while doing the regression!

Past Life Regression!!!

Within minutes the voice leading the meditation guided me to imagine roots growing from the bottom of my feet into the core of the earth, going deeper and deeper and deeper. I felt my feet literally VIBRATE with the energy of growing these expansive roots, and the vibration got more and more intense as I was guided to send these roots deeper and deeper into earth’s core.

From there I could tell this was going to be a DEEP meditation. I was going to go places. I was excited. Now I knew why I woke up feeling the way that I did — my soul was calling for this experience. So I will pause the story right here to tell you, an amazing way to deal with darkness, anxiety and depression is to stop what you are doing and meditate. It will likely not be the thing you want to do in that moment. It may be the last thing you want to do. But it WILL help. It can only help.

From there I sent relaxation through my whole body, and my hands literally started levitating. As the meditation guided me to reach for a purple flame, a chunk of crystal, and a lamp that held the knowledge of all of my past lives, I found myself reaching for each of those things involuntary. My hands put the invisible crystal on my forehead! And the lamp on my chest! You cannot make this stuff up.

I surrounded myself in a white light of protection, an important thing to do when you are opening your soul and energy field in this way. As I was guided into my past lives, I didn’t have the same blocks I often have. I could see everything. I was on the edge of GALAXIES… looking out into a dark sky full of bright stars. I was in the stars. And this was only the very beginning.

It will come as a surprise to exactly no one that Huddy was there guiding me through the ENTIRE way. And I saw my animal spirit guide and immediately burst into tears because it felt so pure and true. Any guesses??? Leave them below. :))

Then I descended the stairs into actual human past lives. I will go deeper on this in an upcoming podcast solo episode and in the book I am working on (yay ;)))) but the biggest thing I saw in one of these past lives was me as a mother of four, married to the soul of someone I know in this lifetime (actually a soul cluster but we will get into that another day), and we had a lot of new money as a family. People were after us. This was the early 1900’s. I asked my soul what year it was and it gave me a hazy answer of 1920 or 1921. WILD.

In this lifetime I felt myself getting strangled in the middle of the night in my bed. I couldn’t see by who but I knew it was an intruder who had come to ransack our home and kill me to take all of our belongings. My husband was out of town and the intruder didn’t go after the kids. I don’t think this person meant to kill me but they strangled me to death. I felt an INTENSE burning in my throat, jaw, neck and upper chest during the meditation while this was happening. I felt the struggle. I was a fighter and I fought back big time. Ultimately it was too much for me and I did not survive, but my soul stayed hovered about my home and my family for a long time after my death, watching over them.

After I relived this painful and traumatizing memory… I felt SO MUCH PAIN whoosh out of my throat, neck and jaw (in this lifetime). A lot of you guys know I have had debilitating jaw pain for years, and I’m not saying it’s gone now, but the FEELING I had while going into that past life was absolutely beyond wild. I have also had a big block in my throat chakra for pretty much my entire lifetime. I saw the root of this so, so clearly in this lifetime memory. Not to mention the root of my debilitating ANXIETY — I mean, hello?! Strangled and murdered?! Also no wonder I am petrified to the high heavens whenever I imagine our doors might be unlocked while I am sleeping!

I feel like it happened somewhere in the middle of America… potentially in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kansas, or Kentucky. I tried hard to focus in on where it was and ask my soul but there was a lot going on. Also, I was a painter in that lifetime. My husband worked in the oil industry. I saw the names of all four of our children and what they looked like. They are all very young.

I saw a lot of other lifetimes too, but that one was extremely notable… many of them were not nearly as painful as this one. There was a lot of deep, dark karma happening in that lifetime (with the death), but it was also full of immense love. MY DAD BYRON WAS THERE, because he always is. And again I was shown that my beautiful mama is more of a new soul so she wasn’t exactly there — and I went deep into my ancestral DNA and danced with my grandmothers and was shown quite a bit of clarity on my current healing journey from them.

A lot of the other lifetimes burst into my mind in a total cluster. Like I could see them all at once but couldn’t grasp into them deeply. But my soul did say to me, “WRITE YOUR DAMN BOOK.” Which is always says. Message received!!!

It was beautiful!!! Oh, and then I came back to the human life around 1926 into the body of someone in Hollywood who I have been obsessed with for a long time…. I am dying to know more about this life. That will be my next adventure. Any guesses on who? If you are right I will send you a gift because… if you get it OMG then that means you see my soul DEEPLY!!!

As always with regressions I felt immense peace and love and nostalgia wash over me during and after. I also felt much more at ease and calm when I finished the meditation, like my body had gotten the deep rest it truly needed. I still feel exhausted but that’s because that stuff is deep work! Some of the deepest work there is!

I also saw so clearly that we travel in SOUL FAMILIES… aka our real life families as well as our chosen families in this lifetime, who are with us through the lifetimes.

It was affirmed to me that I am an old, old, old AF soul. Still resonating more deeply and clearly with being an ancient grandmother oak tree than a human being. But my human lives have all been very special.

So all of this to say, if you feel those dark feelings and that overall dark energy from time to time (or a lot), you are not alone! Try meditating and if you are interested in a past life regression, I recommend first doing one with an accredited therapist because these journeys can be intense!!! I live an intense emotional life so I felt equipped, lol.

Anyway, I want to hear all of your thoughts! Leave them below! Questions? Would absolutely love to go way deeper into this too. Love you all! Thank you for reading!

I feel like I started the podcast yesterday! But it has been almost four full years. I remember when I decided to start it, so many people said to me, “You don’t have time to start something new. You barely have time to juggle all that you do now!”

And I remember thinking… I will have time for whatever I want to make time for. I am doing this. (Sidenote: Don’t ever tell a Libra she doesn’t have time for something. She will MAKE time and she will make it her damn mission to make all of the time in the world.)

There were other similar hesitations from people around me, but most of the questions I got were, “What IS a podcast and how can I listen to one?!” because believe it or not four years ago was still very early in the podcast space — which seems wild because podcasts are such an integral part of so many of our lives now.

In fact, I posted on my Snapchat in October 2016 a photo of myself asking, “Would you guys rather me start a podcast or get back into YouTube?!” and the votes were overwhelmingly for PODCAST! And I so, so remember after I posted my first episode, with my BFF & Founder of Liquid I.V. Brandin Cohen as the guest, seeing you guys tag me on Snapchat saying you were listening. I couldn’t believe my eyes — it was a brand new way of connecting with you guys and probably very likely the first time many of you even heard my voice out loud.

I screen shotted EVERY photo I got of you guys listening on Snapchat and saved them. I think this was even before Instagram stories were a thing! Not to mention, at that time I was fully editing my own podcast. I recorded in Garageband and would spend HOURS (18+ hours in some cases) editing the vocals to make them sound even halfway decent, without having any background or knowledge about audio editing. (#stilldont, lol).

Thank goodness after five episodes, an amazing human named Cody emailed me and said his wife, Nina, had been listening to my podcast in the car and he noticed I could use some help with my audio. He edited a few of my existing episodes for me, and it was a no brainer from there to hire him and his team to start editing and producing for me. I have now been with them for almost four years, and I am SO grateful for our work together and their audio and production wizardry. Now I can focus on simply recording the episode… what I do best, lol… and they do the rest.

The very beginning of the podcast was a thrilling time. First I had Brandin on, and on the second episode I had my mom. It was SO exciting to me to share more about my life with you guys, talking to my mama about her life and asking her questions about my childhood. It was like after three and a half years of blogging you guys were finally getting to know ME off of the screen and outside of just writing. It was the BEST feeling in the world.

After that I had more friends on the show — some of my early guests were my good friends & fellow bloggers Sophie Jaffe, Kelly Leveque, Rachel Mansfield, Danika Brysha, Jeannette Ogden, and people I had idolized for years like yogi and entrepreneur Kathryn Budig.

My 11th guest was Jonathan Albrecht, my then friend and now HUSBAND, and well… let’s just say the chemistry was there all along. People who listened to that ep said that they felt like they were listening in on a private date, LOL. And we started dating only a couple of days later. SO that was the first of many pivotal things in my life that have happened on this very special podcast!

A Pivotal Moment //

After 31 episodes, I decided to record my first solo episode. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the ground against my huge windowsill in my old one bedroom apartment where I lived with just Huddy, and spontaneously decided to record an episode about trauma. It is episode 32 if anyone would like to go back and listen.

The words POURED out of me. For the first time ever I shared all the details with you guys about a pivotal experience and relationship in my life that was both traumatic and has everything to do with who I am today. It felt like, after sharing that story, I could finally breathe again. It might sound wild but I re-listened to that episode after it came out once or twice a day for weeks, maybe even months. It’s like hearing myself talk about it worked out so many things for me about that traumatic experience that I had never even realized. Talking about it and hearing from so many of you who had been through something similar HEALED me in a way I didn’t even know I needed.

The best part was you guys were getting to know me in a deeply intimate way. I feel like that’s when TBB Tribe / TBB Family really BEGAN, because our community was taken off of just the screen/blog/Instagram and put into a place where it was like we were really chatting. Plus, we started the Soul on Fire Podcast Tribe on FB shortly after the pod began which will forever be a special group of humans.

Spiritual Awakening //

Another incredible thing that has happened because of the podcast is the spiritual awakening journey I have been on. I vividly remember my agent Sarah texting me and asking if I would like to have a psychic medium on the show who was another client of hers, and I was immediately intrigued. Her name was MaryAnn DiMarco, and if you guys listen to the show, you know that now MaryAnn is like a spiritual mama and EXTREMELY close mentor and friend in my life. I go to her for everything (literally, everything) now and she sparked my own psychic awakening journey.

From there, I had on crystal healers, reiki masters, more mediums, past life regression therapists, alien channelers, energy alchemists, kundalini masters, astrologists, Human Design chart readers, THE LIST GOES ON !! My life CHANGED, you guys, because of the podcast and I will forever be so grateful. I have been able to meet some of the most incredible people I have ever come across due to the podcast, and my own spiritual journey is forever unfolding with each person I get to meet.

I have also met some of my life IDOLS and had the chance to interview them for the podcast, from the Medical Medium to Gabby Bernstein to Trevor Hall, to people who inspire hundreds of thousands like Melissa Wood, Ruthie Lindsey, Peter Crone, Lo Bosworth, Danielle Bernstein, Rachel Ricketts, & Jessica Olie.

I have met some of my CLOSEST FRIENDS by interviewing them for the podcast- like Jenna Zoe (Human Design goddess!), Kelsey Patel (who officiated our wedding!), Kenzie Burke, Krista Williams, MaryAnn of course, Bree Melanson, Khalil Rafati, Shaman Durek, the list goes on.

We have covered so many important topics on the show from addiction, to recovery, to racism, to spiritual awakenings, to sexual identity, religious identity,  and beyond. It has been nothing short of an honor and a privilege to have these conversations and to share them with you guys.

In short, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING! I am forever changed because of this show and I absolutely cannot wait to keep it going… for as long as you’ll have me! I am THRILLED for episode 201 to come out next week (my angel number), even though we had a very annoying mishap happen with it this week so we have to record it again — but hey, when you podcast you are working with technology and sometimes shit happens.

ANYWAY, I would love to hear your thoughts! Your favorite episodes / guests? How long have you been listening? How did you find the show? Love you guys so much, and forever grateful for our extremely special community and bond. Cannot wait to see where the show goes over the next 200 episodes & beyond! XO

I am reopening my group spiritual awakening course & leading you guys through it LIVE (!!) for the first time since last summer. I will also be doing the course alongside of you, we will have 3 live calls for live Q&A and sharing plus live channeling, and you will have access to a private Facebook group where you will also receive an accountability partner if you so choose.

If you have been considering doing Waking Back Up to Your Own Soul, now is the tiiiime. For so many reasons. You will have the community and love of going through the course as a collective together, and the deep support and intimate connection of the live video calls with me we will have throughout.

The reason I reopened the course in this very special way is because I was deep in meditation last week (I was doing Jake Woodard’s Upgrade Ascension meditation on YouTube), laying on my Pranamat, microdosing plant medicine (just going to be real with you guys here), and I had one of the strongest, most vivid, most intense visions I have had in a long time. It came to me loud and clear, with so much light and guidance from above.

In the vision I saw myself going through the course and basically seeing the content of the course having a whole new effect on me. I channeled this course last summer after a very magical series of Ayahuasca ceremonies, so when this course came through me I was living in a fully 5D world. I wasn’t quite back on this earth yet, so the contents of this course will also hold lots of little gems and surprises for me.

When I saw myself doing it, I saw that there was a beautiful group of beings surrounding me — both humans and light beings, because of course we will be supported and joined by all of our angels and guides from above. This was HUGE. I saw it being a really earth shattering experience for me and for all who join, because the new wisdom and insights I have gleaned over the last year and a half are absolutely wild. I feel like I am nearing more and more of a full-time fifth dimensional consciousness (there is always more room to grow and ascend from there, too) and leaving the pain, physical illness, and challenges of the 3D world behind me.

This 3D world that we live in, and to be specific this planet that we live on, is calling on us light workers to wake up. There is SO much work to be done. And when we awaken, we will also be living in our light and our beauty, so we will naturally manifest with ease and tap into what we most want in life — whether that be the career of our dreams, the relationship of our dreams, the healing we so desire and deserve, or a psychic awakening.

ANYTHING is possible you guys!! That is the wild thing about 5D!! 5D is a dimension beyond linear time and space, so we can access all sorts of different timelines and realities. It is so exciting. It is an absence of pain and fear, it is the ultimate high vibrational frequency.

So I am sure you are asking yourself now, why am I not there yet and how can I get there!??! I GOT YOU! Last night on our live webinar, I asked the participants to rate themselves 1-10 on how in alignment they feel with their highest selves and in essence with their 5D nature. Now I will ask you to do the same — where do you feel like you land?

For the record, most days lately I am about a 9. Sometimes I am a 10, and sometimes I feel really low vibe like a 5, and I know I have a lot of work to do that day. That’s the thing, this spiritual practice, it is a daily practice, a daily awakening, a deep inner guidance system of the highest degree.

The thing is, before the higher self can be fully anchored into the physical body, the healing of all bodies (the mental, the emotional and the physical, healing = remembering our wholeness) has to be completed. THAT IS WHAT I WILL TEACH YOU IN THIS COURSE! EEEK!

I also want to be really clear: I am not your guru or even your teacher — I am simply a guide for you to wake back up to your inner nature, and you will be teaching yourself. We are all our own teacher. That is what is so exciting. We already know all of the beauty that IS… the beauty that lives inside of us, the magic. We simply are being called to wake BACK up to this beauty inside!!

So… Why Now?!

That is an amazing question. You have probably noticed that things on our earth are really precarious right now. Everywhere from our collective health (COVID) to our collective power center (government) to our beautiful earth and nature (pollution, global warming, smog, deforestation), physical health (chronic illness epidemics) and beyond… we are being shown that SOMETHING is not right. Something is really, really not right.

I believe that is because so many of us light workers and star seeds are being called to wake back up. Our higher selves are slipping in and out before they are able to really stick and live here permanently. You will know and feel when your higher self is fully integrated, because you will feel perpetually in the flow. It will not all be roses all the time (we are still human), but you will never forget that we are all one. We live in a place of oneness, where we are connected to all, and we are all perfect. Including our holiest Source energy.

There are a few different stages in the process of awakening that I find really important that I will share with you in this course:

1. TRUST — If you don’t trust yourself, it will he hard and nearly impossible to realign to your truest nature, and to wake back up to your own soul. When you trust, all can flow. You will return to all that is.
2. BUILD THE MUSCLE — Practice, practice. Awakening doesn’t happen overnight, but when it does happen, the beauty will be immeasurable. Don’t give up just because something may not happen right away.
3. Know that 5th dimensional consciousness can come through much easier through the elements: So when you are out in nature, so when you are in the shower or bath (water), lighting a candle and tapping in (fire, sage, palo santo), smelling something that reminds you of a loved one or holding it, or even in moments of physical movements and exercise which is where kundalini & yoga comes in.
4. HEALING ourselves — Our bodies, our ancestors, our lineage, which is something I teach a LOT about in the course! This is where 5D magic comes in, because once we fully heal we can transcend and experience more and more of a 5 D life all the time.
5. LOOK FOR SIGNS — We go deep into this in the course, but you know my signs!! 201, 417, cats, the color purple… soooo many beautiful signs.
6. Reconnect to your lineage — This is a big one. So much of what we carry around is not ours, but we feel like it is ours. When we return to our ancestors what is not ours, we have the ability to truly heal, to feel so much higher, and to also heal the generations that came before us and the generations that will come after us.
7. Changing your FREQUENCY — Otherwise known as raising your vibration and living in alignment with that vibration. I get questions from people all the time that really set off a bell in my mind that this content just hasn’t landed or fully resonated for people yet. “How do I manifest my perfect job / career? Why isn’t it working out for me? Why don’t I ever see my signs tat I ask for?” Because you’re focused on the WHY NOT, rather than the WHY. It is all about shifting your frequency, which we will learn and get into!!It is important to master these concepts because without them, you will be stuck trying to manifest without actually seeing any results. The biggest issue I see with people trying to CONNECT is that they do not trust themselves enough and they are focused on an area of lack. When you are focused on… the lack of signs, the lack of high frequency, the lack of channeling, that is the exact way to never achieve what it is you are trying to do.When you master these concepts, your entire life and everything around you will change.

WHO IS READY FOR THE MAGIC?!

It is time to transcend, let go of the ego, and return to our inner nature. It is time. The planet needs us, but more than that… we need ourselves. We deserve to live in happiness and feel in alignment with our highest truth and our most radiant nature. The time is now.

This live version of the course all begin on August 24th, and you have until August 20th to sign up!! The sooner the better, because the moment you purchase the course you will receive access to the materials and you can begin. And if you are not a course person, I feel you — this was created as a 9 week audio course so it can be listened to and enjoyed as a podcast, with a PDF of journaling prompts, and so much more.

It’s hard to even explain the juiciness that exists inside of it until you begin, kind of similar to doing plant medicine, it’s something you’ve just gotta START… the magic exists inside of it.

I am so excited to go on this journey with you. Who is IN?! Leave any and all questions below, and tell me what your intentions are with waking back up to your own soul and realigning to your spirit’s truest, most beautiful essence and nature. I AM BUZZZINNNGGG, eek!!!!

My spiritual awakening…

It’s interesting to look back on the last three years and witness my awakening journey from a bird’s eye view. I always say I am the type of person who moves so fast. I like to try to “master” things overnight (which of course is silly because it takes years to become a master at something… if ever) and sometimes I can even convince myself that just because I want to, I can.

But waking up to my own soul and my spiritual and psychic gifts has really been a slow roll. I awakened super fast initially, three summers ago (starting in June 2017) but then I got really chronically ill for many years because I took it way too fast. My mind and soul went to a place my human body just couldn’t get down with.

I was living in the clouds and this magical, pastel, heaven-land type of place, channeling and micro-dosing and learning SO MUCH and my human body was like, “HANG ON!! This hurts!! Everything hurts! The earth is HAAAARD — reality sucks, pain sucks, the way food makes you feel sucks, people being so mean and unfair to each other sucks, the state of the world sucks, pollution and global warming sucks, hurt feelings suck, everything sucks… let’s develop full body hives and extreme chronic fatigue to shut out from this insane, painful, cruel and harsh world.”

In one way you could look at that pain that I’ve experienced as a curse. Something awful that you wouldn’t wish on your worse enemy. But I like to view it as a gift. My soul knew, my angels knew, my spirits and higher self knew, in essence I knew that I needed to go slow with this. So I got sick. But we get sick to become extraordinarily healthy and healed  in the most beautiful of ways.

If I was going to shift my entire perspective and viewpoints about this earthly reality and life in this human body then I was going to have to take it one step at a time, and my life was going to have to slowly but surely overhaul in order to line up with these new beliefs.

Can you imagine if I had just accepted all these new beliefs as my complete reality OVERNIGHT? It’s tough because you can’t unsee what you’ve seen. And that experience that I had in June 2017 of seeing shape shifting (listen to today’s solo podcast episode to learn all about this) and then having multiple ongoing psychic visions in kundalini classes that kept coming true, it changed everything for me and I really couldn’t unsee it.

But my life itself had to do a slow overhaul. I had to slow the F down. I had to stop working so much so I could really see and embrace the beauty around me. I had to stop feeling like a victim in certain relationships / situations and understand that the way I feel about anyone else is simply a reflection of myself. I had to forgive, forgive, forgive — others and myself. And I had to accept a lot of things about the world, pain, and then some in order to tap into a lighter, happier frequency that I so deserved to live and experience.

So my friends, this is what we are going to be talking about in tomorrow’s live channeling webinar, all about 5D consciousness, ascending, spiritual awakening, learning to live a high vibe life, learning to wake back up to our own soul, and tap into the inner magic we all have within us. I will also be channeling the Pleiadians LIVE! For more on what that means, listen to today’s solo podcast ep.

This week’s TBB Podcast solo episode on spiritual awakening, channeling, 5D and beyond got me thinking: it’s time to go way deeper on the blog, Instagram, podcast, and basically… everywhere.

I usually save the super deep things for the pod, whether it’s channeling angels or talking about Pleiadians, and every time I put it ALLL out there I think, “Okay, people are either going to be into it or they’re not.” And I can usually tell pretty quickly by the response to an episode or a post if you guys are into it.

You know what you guys are always into? THE DEEP SHIT !! The channeling stuff! The Pleiadian stories, the awakening journey, the ever evolving process of waking up, and then continuing to wake up more. The stuff I always second guess myself before I publish, but then I receive more messages about it touching your heart than I could ever imagine.

You know what you guys are not into? The boring, the safe, the monotonous, the same-as-5-years-ago-and-same-as-everyone-else-online-but-very-comfortable kind of content.

And guess what, I am the same! I am bored to tears by a lot of content online and in podcasts right now, and even on TV and in books. I’m like… give me something deeper, people. The TV shows that have deeply captivated me in recent years are few and far between (like The OA!! Give me more of that!), and the books I find myself pouring over are always memoirs about people who have simply woken up to who they’ve always been (insert Glennon Doyle’s newest book, Untamed, which I cannot put down).

Sometimes I find myself going quiet on the blog because what I really want to say would require me to write a whole essay. But then I started thinking, after seeing the response to this week’s podcast episode, why put that pressure on myself? Why not show up on the blog whenever I want, or all the time like I used to, because I always have something to say? Even if it’s not perfect, even if it’s messy, because isn’t that what writing and sharing is about anyway?

So here we are and I am so happy to be here. I have always said that my favorite posts have always been the brain dump posts. The straight from the heart onto the page life update kind of posts. And right now life is weird!! I think we can all agree on that? There is so much going on, I still don’t know exactly whether to come out of my quarantine comfy bubble or stay in it, and the climate of the world is heavy to say the least.

SO HERE GOES THE CURRENT BRAIN DUMP!

I have felt on the precipice for so long of reaching a much deeper layer of myself, and now I am finally here. Doing this deeper work is not fun, it’s pure shadow work. I am seeing every side of myself with extreme clarity.

Things feel HEAVY — down to my very twisted intestines (literally) and my stomach feels like an absolute wreck soaking in the state of the world. I am seeing a new Gastroenterologist today (will definitely keep you guys updated) because it literally feels like there are daggers in my stomach which I know energetically is only the next phase of UPLEVELING. But physically… damn, that shit is painful.

I am both severely exhausted and wide awake. Severely exhausted in the sense that this Lyme battle has crushed me in a way that it is hard to explain in words. While I am healing in many ways, it’s like I have reached the edge of a long battle and have absolutely collapsed. I am waking up much earlier every day, which is a sign of health and commitment to promises I’ve made to myself, but am working + doing all things from bed because I can’t find the strength or stamina to move a single muscle before about 2pm every day.

The pain is searing. Joint pain, brain fog, out of body aggressive type of physical pain. The stomach stuff though — holy mother F there is nothing else like that kind of pain on this earth that I have experienced. Plus, anxiety is raging. Always something us sensitive souls will deal with but !! the anxiety !! right now is wild.

I am wide awake in the sense that when the negative nancy in my brain    tries to take over and tell me I am anything but healthy, successful, beautiful, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter… on and on… I can shut that shit down immediately. It’s not easy, but I have my tools. I tell myself I can do better than that, I can choose again. And in all of those instances it is much easier to return to a state of love than ever before.

Also I am wide awake in the sense that ideas and creativity are flowing to me with ease. I have so much inspiration pumping through my veins. I am not too stuck on what I am doing “next” work wise because I know whatever makes its way through will be exactly what it needs to be. Plus, my inspo for the podcast has increased tenfold lately, probably (definitely) because I am feeling way more me and it’s time to evolve to the next level, all of us together.

Most of all, I am so happy to be very much reconnected to my spiritual nature. For a while there, for a lot of this year actually, I disconnected a bit from it. Maybe as a means of survival or just trying to live that faster paced life again. But due to a series of events in the WORLD at large as well as in my own life and body, I have been forced to go deeper again. And now I am so unbelievably glad I did. I see now that there was no other way.

My daily goal and inspiration is to remain in a high vibrational state of consciousness where ideas flow with ease, where love is the only lens through which I can see, and where sickness cannot physically exist. It is not easy to stay in this place or even to get there, but every time I get a glimpse the whole journey is worth it.

SO all of this to say, you can expect me to be coming back to my roots in a big way on the blog, podcast, Insta, and beyond. Expect lots of channeled messages, writing from the heart, plant based recipes when I feel called, and spiritual content galore. But like also don’t place too many expectations ya know because I kind of change every minute it seems.

The MOST special part of it all is that this week’s podcast ep was really geared toward you guys — toward all of us — because I know we’ve all been on this journey of awakening together. I mean, we literally started it together nearly four years ago when I started podcasting, over seven years ago now on the blog. So the messages I have received from you guys about being on this journey  T O G E T H E R  and what that means to you — that is all I freaking need in this life. It makes me feel so fulfilled, grateful, and happy. So keep them coming!!!

You on this journey of evolving with me? What are your requests on the blog / pod? I am all ears. And if you haven’t listened to this week’s episode yet, tune in here! If you are not yet signed up for my new and improved weekly newsletter, sign up here. It’s fun AF. LOVE you all, XOXO 

I want to say time flies, but I also feel like I’ve been doing this all of my life. The crazy thing is, even before I had this blog I was “blogging” for as long as I can remember.

The other day I dug up my old health and fitness blog called “Jordan Health & Fitness” (lol) that I created in college to share healthy recipes, workouts, musings about staying healthy in college and finding the best yoga studios in LA and stories from being the Director of Health & Fitness of my sorority, Alpha Phi.

I barely remembered that I’d had it because it’s always just felt like second nature to me to live this healthy lifestyle but to share what I’m doing and learning. Before that blog, I had “Meanwhile in Florence…” which was a travel blog about my study abroad experience in Italy and our travels. I remember pressuring myself to write 8,000+ word posts so I wouldn’t leave out a single detail of our experiences there which also made blogging very tedious and not so fun…. LOL.

Not to mention, the hosting sites of my old blogs were not great (I had no idea what I was doing back then!!) so it took some SERIOUS digging to even find them!! The Florence one is gone but I remember that one fondly because I felt like such a serious “blogger” and shared every post to my Facebook, MySpace, all the places.

Speaking of MySpace… before I even started blogging I was a HUGE MySpace girl. I took it extremely seriously to decorate my page, learn all the codes and hacks to have the best colors, fonts, music, artsy photos, massive Top 8 (mroe like Top 50 with all of the hacks and codes I used), and I took it upon myself to ~*tYpE LiKe tHiS aLL oF tHe TiMe bC iT wAs tHe COoLLLL tHiNg 2 Do!!!!!*~

And pre-MySpace, it was Buddy Profiles on AIM. PLEASE tell me someone remembers this!!! Same thing there, I learned all of the backend coding so that I could use the rarest fonts and rainbow colors. I used Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday quotes in my bio and away messages like it was my job. And I think I left my AIM screen up 24/7 with various detailed away messages so I could always share what I was doing or what was on my heart.

Am I crazy or is that… BLOGGING?!??! IT ISSSSSS.

So that’s why when I say I have been blogging for 7 years but it feels like a lifetime, it really started in 4th grade when my brother made me my @jojoyounger screenname for AOL. I vividly remember only one or two of my friends had a screenname or even an email address at that time (Eleni and Kayla, I am looking at you) so I would message my friends’ parents on there just to utilize my AOL messenger.

It’s wild looking back at it all. Now that I know my Human Design (REFLECTOR !!) I know that I was living my best Reflector life all along. It has always brought me so much joy to share my life and my heart with the people around me, whether no one was reading or now, hundreds of thousands of you.

Which brings me to my next point — THANK YOU.

I may have been blogging for a lifetime before TBB, but it’s you guys that have made TBB what it is. A community, a place to share our hearts, a hub for spirituality and wellness and going deep, a brand that has ranged from a clothing line, to books, ebooks, an APP, events, a podcast, retreats, Facebook groups, courses, and of course the forever mothership — THE BLOG.

I am forever grateful I started this blog (really originally my Instagram account) sitting in an airport in Maui on June 18th, 2013.

I was a brand new college graduate in love with the vegan lifestyle, and the vegan blogging community was JUST starting to get a bit popular and a select few people were sharing recipes and musings on Instagram. I had this thought while I was in Hawaii that I could do the same thing. I had plenty of food photos on my phone, I loved creating recipes, food styling, teaching people how to live healthier, and of course I loved sharing my life.

So boom, on a whim, @theblondevegan was created. I spent the summer creating content all day every day. It was a DIE HARD passion from Day One. A few months into it I decided to write a Facebook post asking if anyone I knew could help me create a website… and I got a message from a guy I went to college with saying he could do it.

We kind of dated for a bit   and he took it upon himself to be sort of a business advisor on top of building my website. He saw the blog traffic on the very first day and said, “Jo… You know you could make money off of this? We should put ads on your website.”

So we did and the revenue was super minimal but I was not in it for the money and keep in mind the blogging industry as we know it wasn’t even close to existing quite yet. I was just thrilled to get free vegan protein powders and was stunned every time someone new found my blog and told me it was impacting their life for the better.

Then the same guy who built my website came to visit me in NYC and gave me a real talk about how people were kind of starting to blog for a living. I couldn’t believe it. I had JUST committed to grad school for creative writing and was halfway into my first semester… but the only thing I could focus on was my blog already. Now someone was telling me I could actually do this for work AND fun?

I finished out my first year of grad school but the rest was history. I was hooked. By that time I had created vegan cleanse programs and we had launched our first batch of TBV Apparel t-shirts. If you weren’t here back then, think cheeky health-related sayings on shirts which may be a-plenty now, but back then let me tell you they were very original. “Health is the New Black,” “Yoga Junkie, and “Oh KALE Yeah!” Were some faves.

I could tell you my blogging story forever. I plan on writing a book about it one day soon, because this blog has been my baby and has gone through so many iterations. I’ve seen the industry flourish and then blow up during these 7 years, and it has been the coolest thing to be in it as it has grown. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason… and creating TBV (and then TBB) when I did has been nothing short of one of the top two greatest gifts in my life (number one being J + Hud obvi).

So let’s get into 7 things I have learned in 7 years of blogging!!

1. The best things are born out of pure passion. This blog was created not for the sake of creating a career or even growing an audience, but to share what I love most- health, fitness, spirituality, and my heart. I have seen many blogs come and go because they aren’t rooted in that passion. I heard something lately that said, “Brands have to have a SOUL. If they don’t, they won’t last.” That is the ultimate truth, and TBB will always have a living, breathing soul of its own – which is my proudest accomplishment of all.

2. You never have to do what everyone else is doing. Actually, it’s even better if you don’t. I have done things quite differently than a lot of other bloggers in the sense that right out of the gate I tried a LOT of things— having managers, agents, employees, business partners, so many ventures, I was really all over the place and so excited to be living this entrepreneurial life. Over the years I have REIGNED it in. And now I keep things very tight around here, I really only work with family and a select few people on TBB. My goal is not to have a huge office of people but rather to keep things true to how they started. That is what makes me happy and that’s what I focus on building upon every day.

3. Let your blog grow WITH YOU!!! I can’t even begin to name the ways I have changed and evolved over the years. I went from a passionate diehard vegan to non-vegan and back to veganism, but in the process I have changed. I have opened up psychically, gotten married, and now I am freaking 29 vs. 23 when I started. In short… everything has changed, and my blog has grown right along with me. Have I lost so many followers and readers along the way because I am not who I once was? YES. Is that okay? Yes. I believe our true audience and who needs to be here reading will always find their way here.

4. Breaks are good. When I first started blogging it was all about working 24/7 and never taking a break. I would stay up all night creating content and forego many, many other things in my life to be “on” all the time at events, festivals, traveling for work, photo shoots etc. etc. A few years ago I realized that wasn’t a life I wanted to continue living, and I made some changes. I never again want to work my ass off at the expense of missing important events and memories in my close circle’s life. Oh and the real breaks I have taken for my health have been GOLDEN.

5. It’s okay to pivot. I used to be so afraid that if I switched up my content in a big way people wouldn’t be into it anymore. It turns out, you guys are the freaking best and we have developed such a friendship over the years — many of you are here for it all, and you are ON THIS JOURNEY with me. When I pivot, many of you are pivoting in your lives at the same time. I am really just sharing the journey that so many of us are currently on and if I tried to keep it the “same” as the past it wouldn’t be true to reality.

6. Long term partnerships with brands you love are the JAM versus one off things. For a while I did a lot of one off partnerships, many with brands I loved and many with brands that I wasn’t so into. It was a nice way to make $$ for a while but there is no soul in doing that. Now, I am only interested in creating lasting, real partnerships with brands I love that have to meet certain super specific criteria. For a few years now I have seen the importance of the long game vs. the short game, which also helps keep the brand true to its core vs. ever being about $$.

7. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE AUDIENCE!! You guys are my true friends from all over the world. I mean it when I say that you guys feel like my best friends who know me inside and out. When I meet you guys out in public sometimes people say, “I hope this isn’t weird but I really feel like I know you so well,” and I always say “YOU DO!!” The Internet is a wild place but it is a beautiful place too. At the end of the day you guys have made this blog what it is — a brand with readers — so thank you, I love you, I am always here for you and right there with you.

Wow. HEART SPILLLLLL. AHHHHH!!! Pleeeeease tell me below how long you’ve been here, how you found me, your thoughts on this story, all of it!!! TBB Tribe is my heart and soul. Cheers to 7 more years and beyond, and to continuing to grow TBB right alongside of me. Maybe in 7 years I will be mommy blogging ?!?! But I will never lose the core and foundation of where this all started. Love you all HUGELY. Thank you.

I am hoooome from my recent water fast, and I am truly mind boggled that in just a few days it will be June. I feel like I have been living in a time warp, especially because for a total of 32 days during this quarantine I was away at the fasting center dedicated to healing Lyme, mold, and co-infections in my body. I was fasting on either juice or water for about 28 of those days, and slowly reincorporating food on the other days.

So yeah… I’ve been on quite the journey. And I am truly pretty much speechless about it which is so unlike me so that just goes to show you, I have a lot of processing to do still. A lot. But I am going to try my best to put my thoughts into words.

First of all, for people who haven’t heard me speak about water fasting before. Trust me, the first time I heard of it many years ago I thought whoever had mentioned it to me was INSANE !! TRULY !! But I hadn’t yet been in a dire position with my health where I would do anything/everything to heal my body. So reserve your judgment if you have any about this way of healing or any way of healing for that matter.

When you’ve reached the depths of pain with any sort of illness, you know the truth — you would do anything to heal and get your life back. It feels a bit like life or death, and I have been erring on the side of “death walking” for many years now so trust me when I say, a water fast ain’t no thang compared to living with Lyme every single day for years after years.

Over the years since that very first time I heard about fasting, I have learned all about the fasting way of life — and it’s not as scary as it sounds. It’s not dangerous at all when done properly (in a medical facility, getting your vitals checked daily) and can be the UTMOST healing experience in so many ways. I don’t ever recommend it to people to do, because I can only speak for myself. But for me, fasting has changed my life and truly given me my life & health back.

It puts our bodies into rest & digest mode, and allows the 75% of energy that is usually spent digesting food all day long to flow directly into healing vital organs, infections, parasites, bacteria, dormant viruses and beyond in the body. All you do while fasting is REST, which as we know is one of the number one SIMPLE & accessible healing tips in the world.

My Four Fasting Experiences //

I decided to do two back to back fasts during this quarantine for a lot of reasons. One, fasting has been my saving grace for the last few years. If you remember my first long fast I did back in 2018, it was the first and only thing that made my chronic hives and eczema go away after TEN. LONG. MONTHS. of waking up every day as an itchy, bleeding, miserable mess. See below photo for a visual.

But after that first fast I still had a long way to go. I had just been diagnosed with Lyme, mold, MCAS, co-infections, parasites, gut dysbiosis, the list goes on. Honestly I never want to type that damn list out again. It feels like it has been a part of my story for so long now and now it’s time to let go of it. But long story short, my entire life for the last 2 years (really 3, if you include the painful year before I was diagnosed) has been about healing those issues and trying to get some semblance of my life back.

That first fast was truly remarkable for me. My histamine markers went from off the charts in the 1500 range down to about 700 (still high, but HUGE improvements). I lived with those improvements for about 8 months and then in early 2019 I did another fast, and the inflammation continued to go down and I started to actually feel more like myself again. That one was incredibly deep and was perhaps the first time I realized that wait, maybe a water fast could not only feel healing and take the pain away but could actually HEAL me from my ailments.

The thing with water fasting that people always ask me is, do the benefits really last once you start eating food again? And that answer is complicated. Yes, the benefits last and there is no way to “undo” the incredible work you do for your body during a fast unless you just throw caution to the wind in a big way when you get back into food again. And even then you’re not undoing the deep work that has been done in the body, from dead cell die off and the regeneration of new cells (a.k.a the process of autophagy) to toxin die off to the deep healing and rest our bodies receive while fasting. BUT, is one water fast a cure all for a very intense chronic illness? Probably not, depending on the circumstance.

As I always say, the sicker our bodies are, the more fasts or modalities we may need to heal. Of course that is all relative and different for each person, but after my first and then my second fast when I spoke to my family about potentially doing a third, my dad said to me, “WHY would you do that if it didn’t heal you the first two times?!” which was SUCH a valid question. But in my heart I knew the answer to that… when we are extremely sick with Lyme or some kind of deep chronic illness, it’s not a one two punch. It’s a long game. It will take however long it takes, however many times it takes, to make a massive and lasting change.

At that time in mid 2019 I knew in my heart that every time I did a fast my inflammation went down significantly in a HUGE way. I also knew that fasting was one of the most physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing things I had ever done — so I knew I had to be in a really stable, focused and aware place if I were to head back into a fast. That is why I have spread my fasts out over a full two year period. And to make things even more wild, my FIRST fast in 2018 and my most recent fast were on the EXACT SAME DATES of the year in May… and I only realized that about halfway through this one. If you don’t believe in the synchronicities of the universe… I beg to differ.

My Experience This Time Around //

I decided not to do a second fast in 2019 because I wanted to get strong for our wedding and just be in the best headspace possible, not necessarily in “toxin die off mode” which is incredible for healing but not really incredible for living life and trying to get married and enjoy a wedding and honeymoon! So I saved my third fast for this year, which I did in March. For more on my water fast in March, head here to read about it or here to listen! Also, I am compiling a list of questions about fasting for another pod episode so feel free to leave those in the comments below!

After stumbling across an incredible blog of someone who has now become a dear friend – a woman named Sarah who HEALED FROM LYME & put her Lyme into 100% remission by doing a long water fast – I went into my third fast with my eyes wide open to the reality that this fast could in fact heal me completely.

And after that 14 day fast in March, I really did feel healed… about 50-60% at least, which is absolutely huge when you’re suffering from an illness you have been told since day one is completely incurable. I feel that I reached states of spiritual consciousness on that fast where illness simply can no longer exist — a place of such high vibrations that my mind, body, spirit, and soul were no longer in alignment with Lyme and all that Lyme has come into my life spiritually to teach me.

And when I got home in April I really felt better than I had in YEARS. I was bouncing off the walls with energy, going on runs with my husband, making recipe after recipe and even enrolled in a plant based nutrition program to be able to teach the plant based way of life in a whole new way.

But still deep in my heart I KNEW there was more healing to be had. The water fasting doctor I had worked with in March recommended that I come back for another two week stay after about a month of eating food and regaining my strength. At first I was unsure whether or not I would do that, but after a series of incredible synchronicities (including not one but TWO of my dear friends who also have Lyme deciding on their own to do a water fast at the same facility) it felt too meant to be to pass up.

So, May 10th rolled around annnnnd I went back to the healing center. This time with a renewed purpose and a renewed sense of self and determination to heal. I KNEW I was going to heal 100% this time. I was not going to take no for an answer. And I was prepared — my last fast had been so intensely PHYSICALLY painful and I had what felt like so many near death experiences (which were really just heavily intense detox) that I was prepared for absolutely anything to happen.

(And for inquiring minds who are worried about the weight loss during fasting — of course it is part of the process, but I worked really hard to get my weight back up to my pre-fast number between the third and fourth fasts. So I lost the same amount of weight both times but ended up after all was said & done at a very healthy place for my body, SANS inflammation which feels amazing!)

This fast… which I am still finding the words for… was my deepest yet, by far. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And the wildest part is that it flew by!!! Usually one day of fasting feels like one week, one month or one YEAR because it can be so physically painful and intolerable. But something about having my two friends there with me and being so mentally prepared for this one made every single day and then every single week fly by. It was incredible and almost made the whole thing feel like I had dreamt it by the time it was over… like it wasn’t even real.

And that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t insanely painful and difficult at the same time. The pain and difficulty were still there, but they tended to pass quicker. And I was so beyond in tune with my mind, body and spirit during this fast I knew what I needed in every moment and every day. For example I would do juice for two days, then water for two days, then juice for two, then water for four, and then really let my body decide each and every day when it was done with water and needed to go back on juice.

Pain I experienced & my tolerance this time //

Because I did these two fasts so close together, my body had less tolerance this time for long stretches of water alone. My longest period of water alone was for four days straight in the middle of this fast, then I regained strength with juice before going back on a few more days of water, then a few more days of juice. And instead of getting tripped up on the numbers or hitting any sort of daily goal (perfectionist over here), I just stuck extremely in the moment the whole time. I let the experience take over, listening to my heart and soul to the point where when my body was done I just knew. On that day I had zero ounce of regret or “maybe I can go longer” type of thoughts — I just took it for what it was worth and went back on juice and then on day 14, back on raw food.

Like I said, I am still finding the words to describe how deep and monumental this fast was for me. I journaled every day, laid on my balcony and spoke to the trees and the earth, and truly felt one with nature in the most healing way. I couldn’t look at anyone’s faces without completely seeing them shape shift, and felt SO IN TUNE with my psychic and spiritual gifts there are not even words to describe it! When you strip away all the layers, the spiritual gifts that come are beyond.

And likewise with healing, when we strip away the layers and let our bodies just BE, I believe that is when we can finally heal. Taking away the food, the stress, the medications, the daily routine, the habits, the layers, and letting our bodies do their thing, what they were MADE to do, is where healing can happen.

As far as pain this time around, I had a lot of it. For almost the full two weeks my jaw was in SEARING, excruciating, mind-bending pain, like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. My legs were throbbing the entire time too, and the joints in my knees, ankles, elbows, hands and jaw were perpetually in extreme pain. I had a migraine/headache pretty much daily, as well as horrible neck and shoulder pain. But that’s all par for the course and like all of my previous fasts, by the end of the experience… the pain lifted and I was left with less pain than ever before.

At the end of the fast I had another healing/detox reaction, which was a strep throat situation where I believe and feel my body was detoxing strep once and for all. My glands got swollen, I felt full on strep vibes, but hadn’t left my bed in weeks so there was no way for me to catch it. It took about a week, but that pain has slowly now passed through and I feel like it was my body’s final push to detox the strep virus.

And the wild thing about fasting is that even though you are in so much pain during the experience, it is still about one ONE THOUSANDTH of the pain of living with Lyme every day. Because the daily inflammation goes away during the fast and makes every moment so much more bearable. So as you read about the pain of the fast, maybe that will give you a little glimpse into what it can be like to live with Lyme on the daily and why this type of experience is so worth it to those of us who are healing.

Most importantly with each passing day of this fast I felt just a tiny bit better and a tiny bit more myself. My brain fog continued to lift and I felt like I was beginning to see the world in 5D. I was gaining massive insights every day about the best way to eat for my body, the healing powers of fruit and vegetables, the direction I want to take my brand and my life, and honestly even feeling the presence of my future babies with me every step of the way. It’s like the veil between this world and the other realms completely lifted and I was just floating in an in-between space. There are no words to describe how healing and miraculous that feeling is.

The Healing Itself //

Now I am home, and I almost feel stunned as if I can hardly speak on the entire experience. Clearly I spoke about it above but as far as the benefits and the healing that have taken place, they almost feel too sacred to even share yet. I promise I will continue sharing as I continue to find the words. Sign up for my weekly Monday newsletter here for an update this Monday, and I will continue updating you guys on the blog & pod too!

I DO feel healed, but even more so on a spiritual level than a physical level. I also feel exhausted. Weak. Tired. And sort of bummed about that and I am letting myself sink into that very real feeling. I do fasting so that I can leave feeling on top of the world, and this time I left feeling tired like I am coming to the end of a VERY long battle… which I am. So I am just giving myself space and rest while I acclimate after that experience. I am so thankful for my husband who has made our home such a safe space for me to continue healing, and has allowed me to just do NOTHING at home but lay in the bath and relax and get my strength back.

The craziest part is that I am not who I once was. Not before my third fast, or my most recent fast, and certainly not before my first two. Not before my Lyme diagnosis. Not before I have experienced multiple near death experiences from surgeries, medications, the weight of Lyme itself, and so much more. It can be hard, to be very real with you guys, to reconcile what I have seen, experienced, gained, and lost. It is not a journey I would trade for the entire world, but I certainly cannot relate to who I used to be — or the person who others were used to me being. I am now so different. And it connects me to different individuals who are also on this journey which is beautiful. It is just something I continue to work through and experience more and more of with every passing day.

This time around, the negativity (albeit minor) got to me more than usual. When I would receive a comment from someone saying, “Must be nice to be able to afford this treatment but it’s sickening that you share it because the rest of us cannot,” (but said in a much nastier way) it would hurt me to my core. Because we are all just doing the best we can. As much as I wish I could represent every single person who is healing, the best I can do is represent myself and continue to provide free information everywhere I can. And as far as treatment expenses, doing a water fast is far more affordable than even one round of stem cells, ozone, hyperbaric chamber, or any type of supplements or meds.

(Oh and don’t even get me started on the haters who say that water fasting is dangerous, when they have no iota of knowledge about the science and safety behind it.)

So for that reason as well I feel compelled to be a bit quieter this time around, as I come back into the experience of being home, healing, and feeling alive again. I promise to take you guys along for the ride when I feel up to sharing more. The most important thing here that I want to share is that healing is possible. You do not have to accept a diagnosis of “incurable.” I do not believe in that. I promise you there is another way. I LOVE YOU and would love to hear any and all thoughts and questions below. XOXOXO