When they go low, we go high. This article is not to slam anyone or wage any type of war. It’s to draw a BOUNDARY both energetically and physically, and to hopefully help the world by adding to the conversation that enough is enough. We are so sick and tired of the media’s boring & cruel agenda to tear women down, mostly by lying entirely. This post is about true spirituality — which means standing up for what’s right. This is an open letter to all of the journalists who have fucked with me, the industry I love, so many humans I love, and so many powerful women I admire.

Once you read this article I encourage you not to slam the writer of this hit piece (it may be hard not to ) or even go and read the piece, but rather to second guess clicking on click bait articles that tear down women. Corporate media is dying and they are truly and profoundly stopping at NOTHING to stay relevant. It’s sad and embarrassing for them. We here in TBB community are warriors of the LIGHT & we don’t have time for this shit. Somehow I was dragged and sucked into it yet again, and I used to wonder WHY am I so polarizing? All I want is health and happiness for all living beings… lol. But I know why: people who are filled with light are always going to be confronting MIRRORS for people who are sad, sick, unhappy, and mentally disturbed.

So here we are, this has not happened to our community but FOR our community, and if it happened so that this important conversation could be facilitated then I’ll be damned if I don’t write about it. We all know the darkness will never win, and this darkness is something these sad humans will have to deal with day in & day out for eternity… while this is just a blip on our radar. In a way it’s almost comical, but what’s not comical is how deeply this affects women’s mental health (mine included for many years) to be the butt of a cruel joke they have nothing to do with.

So let’s back up for a moment. Last night it it was brought to my attention that there was a hit piece written in a major mainstream publication using my name and likeness for click bait. Nothing new, right? In the last 8 years I have been dragged through the media and have had words put in my mouth about so many topics that are truly BORING AF but are made to sound salacious because of the desperation of the dying form of art otherwise known as journalism. For example, in 2014 I was vegan and then ate some eggs and had headlines all over the global news for FIVE YEARS titled: “Veganism almost killed this woman.”

And then there was the time I stupidly spoke to a journalist at great length about my battle with Lyme disease, and even connected her to my Lyme doctor for deeper references & the science behind Lyme, and she included us both in a hit piece about “the cult of Lyme disease.” In the article she implied that women with Lyme were suffering from nothing but mental health issues and needed psychiatric help. When I read that piece, it was terrifying & heartbreaking to realize how corrupt humanity had become. Luckily, global readership has come a long way and it was pretty obvious by then (even two years ago) that people no longer bought into the bullshit. Floods of support came through and it really restored my faith that the greater collective of humans out there were beginning to UNDERSTAND that most “journalism” is a lie.

From there I have never spoken to a journalist again. Shockingly, that doesn’t stop them from writing about me (and so many others) in unsolicited, grotesque, painfully untrue and salacious ways. This latest hit piece was a real doozy. Not just for me, forget me, but for wellness in general. Wellness, my friends, is not rooted in darkness. It’s quite literally the opposite, and because everyone knows that, the media will stop at nothing to tear it down. People are SO threatened by the light it’s truly sickening. Like all industries, wellness has its snakes that talk nonsense (fucking duh because we live in a fucked up world), but overall wellness is a beautiful lifestyle & industry that makes the world & people’s lives a better place. “Wellness influencers,” bloggers, health coaches, functional medicine doctors, holistic healers, and any & all people living in the light have nothing to gain financially by drinking green juice, trying alternative health methods, and sharing it online. Literally nothing to gain except the one important thing we care about most which is people being HEALTHY & HAPPY & EDUCATED & AWARE.

I was actually contacted about this recent disgusting piece about “vaccines” by the writer about two months ago and I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be speaking to her, had no interest in being a part of the article, hoped that her piece would be lovely (because I’m a nice person and I am endlessly hopeful that people & media corporations will do better), and said I have no interest because “I have been so misrepresented, misquoted and attacked in the media in the past so I am extremely careful.” Well folks, she never responded and then went on to write a hit piece without actually ever speaking to me once. She had no qualms about using my name and likeness publicly and with wild abandon even after I told her not to, but the people she quoted who “spoke about me” (I actually have to wonder if this is the writer Hayley herself) have had their names changed for their own privacy.

I will not link the article because I’m fairly certain it already has more clicks and reads than any other piece on their site due to the valid outrage from the entire wellness community — for example, their Instagram photo promoting the piece has 3,000 real human comments (that are all fucking awesome), and their typical Instagram photo has less than 5 comments, from robots no less. Do you see why the media drags innocent people who are interesting, like us?!?! It gives them clicks, which makes them money, which keeps food on their writer’s tables, all at the expense of attacking, lying, bullying, shaming, and spreading lies. Literally. THAT is the world we live in.

So even though I am not linking the article let’s address it for a moment. In it I am called a “whitewashed privileged anti vaccine, science denialism activist” among so many other things, and my green smoothie recipe is also used as the click bait intro to the article which ok ok I am flattered by HMMMM. Ok so I have a lot to say about this. 

1. How fucking yawn is it that they had to use the term “whitewashed”? White… washed? Because now the simple act of MENTIONING that a woman is white means that the media has a right to tell them they’re an awful human being. (I have absolutely no reason to deny that I am white & that I have all of the privileges that come along with that & do the best I can every single day to make the world a fairer and more just place. Just because I am white does not mean that I am automatically a conspiracy theorist who denounces science. It’s such a reach it’s laughable. What in the actual *&@&$*W!!!!!)

2. I am not anti vaccine. This writer went back into the archives of my podcast to find a Q&A in which I mentioned that I PERSONALLY am not planning to get the C19 vaccine “at this time.” I also stated that I would not speak further on the subject because I would prefer to have a DOCTOR on the show to speak on it scientifically. Vaccines are not for everyone, period. & it’s certainly not for me to PROMOTE getting it or not getting it. Some people (like myself) have genetic mutations that make vaccines very difficult to assimilate & this is proven science. Nothing woo-woo about it. Could I still change my mind? Yes!! I am as open minded as they come & I am not anti anything.

People with chronic illness have to look at things differently and I genuinely believe mostly everyone in the world realizes that. We are extra careful and are not typically first in line to get vaccines. But we don’t discourage anyone from getting a vaccine who wants to! That’s just so not me. Chronic illness adds a whole different layer to things. Vaccines can affect people with chronic disease differently, and that has NOTHING to do with any conspiracy theorists!!!!! Many people are hesitant to get the vaccine and most (99%) are not affiliated with conspiracies. Everyone has their OWN reasons.

This is a sensitive topic that people should decide for themselves. Unfortunately the press and our government make it hard to simply get the FACTS.

My family has been vaccinated. I support them. I encouraged them to receive the vaccine, because they wanted to!!! I don’t care what other people do because it doesn’t concern me. I was a vaccinated child and teenager. There is nothing about me that is “anti vax” just because in one podcast episode, one time, I said I would not personally be first in line to receive the Covid vaccine. To label someone an “anti vaxxer” in this day and age who is not that is so ridiculously low, because we all know it comes along with the labels of “she’s a quack, she’s craaaaazy, she’s one of those deniers!” Please if you want to get the vaccine, get the vaccine. If you want to, I want you to, and I get it. Do what you please. Always!

3. I am not a science denialist. This is laughable. I am so intrigued by science — I am currently reading a book about the physics of the inter-dimensionality of time. It’s wildly fascinating. I’m reading another book about the history of physics and how it relates to spirituality. It’s way more fascinating than a hit piece written by a writer that hates women. Point blank, there is nothing on my page or podcast or blog that could be used to say that I am a denialist of science. Also, it’s no secret that big pharma is corrupt in general and that’s an actual fact. A FACT.

4. To tie me in with conspiracy theories / Q anon is an actual joke as well. I have publicly stated many times that Q anon is not only something I am not affiliated with, it is dangerous and is taking away from real issues that need to be discussed. I have a whole podcast episode on this with Marianne Williamson where I state multiple times that these conspiracies are dangerous & scary. The whole rhetoric of trying to tie in every healthy person who is interested in wellness or rooted in the wellness industry WITH conspiracy theorists is just wrong and people see right through it at this point. 

5. There is no such thing as the dark underbelly of wellness. Like I said, there are corrupt people in every industry, in every walk of life, in every space, and there will be for all of time. What we should really be highlighting is the dark underbelly of journalism. Think about the mental health concerns of women who have been dragged in the media to absolutely no avail — Britney Spears, Meghan Markle, Mia Farrow, Princess Diana, Amanda Bynes, Jessica Simpson, Demi Lovato, Amy Winehouse — I could go on. MENTAL HEALTH is what I am concerned about at this point and I am just grateful to be in a place where I can handle this level of hate in the media and not want to crawl into a hole and die.

6. The most hilarious thing about the article is that the first line is, “You could say it all began with a smoothie.” She then goes on to describe the ingredients in one of my cinnamon spirulina bowls I posted about a handful of years ago. LMAO. Is this an article about my successful recipe developing or… about the dark side of wellness? I’m waiting…

7. The media outlet that wrote this article is not a health outlet. They are a fashion magazine. Do we see and understand how corrupt the media is yet? Do we understand that they are feeding lies into the world in any way, shape or form they can find at this point? Because they are threatened by the light and everything the light entails…

8. The writer of this article also wrote a hit piece about Britney Spears and likened Britney supporters to Q anon conspiracy theories, but “celebrity-obsessed” ones. So it’s clear that this writer is threatened by powerful women, has a serious issue with all things conspiracy, will go to great lengths to compare everything she comes across to Q anon, and has no problem tearing down a woman who has been slaughtered by the media for her entire career which almost cost her her life & did cost her her career and her children (Britney).

9. At the end of the day I really want to thank this writer because these are serious, SERIOUS conversations we need to be having about the sickness of the media and I am happy to have them here on my platform. The media can no longer get away with this bullying, lying, anti-EVERYONE that doesn’t FALL INTO LINE exactly the way they are told to rhetoric, and also the media cannot get away with tearing apart women who have struggled. It’s undeniable that Britney has struggled with her mental health. I have struggled with my physical health. I have never one “promoted” my Lyme healing protocols, in fact I go to great lengths to always say, “this is what works for me and please don’t do this at home.”

10. I have never promoted any of the things that this article has said I promoted, not one, and if that’s not enough factual evidence to show you that media is strictly propaganda skewed toward what they want you to believe, then I really don’t have anything further to say.

11. Thank you for the free press yet again because honestly to be the introductory 5 paragraphs to an article I had absolutely nothing to do with and have absolutely no relevance to the topic at hand is actually flattering.

12. I know this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how people threatened are by the light, so don’t worry I am level headed enough to KNOW THIS. This is still a boundary I am drawing and this boundary is deeply important. I have witnessed my friends get slaughtered as well as myself and I am just done.

13. Wellness has been a threat for as long as I can remember. Because the truth is, healthy people don’t make money for corporations or big Pharma. Period. Think about this. What DO we make though? Glowing, healthy, happy, radiant lives… so dangerous.

I could go on, but the truth is… I am realizing something more and more with every passing day… we who live in the light, spread the light, and radically LIVE & BREATHE the light, are going to be scrutinized by people who live in the darkness every damn day until they wake up. What I know for a fact is that I will no longer let the media use my name for their senseless propaganda and as I have shared on my Instagram, am in the midst of taking legal action.

What I want YOU to know if you are here reading, is that it’s worth it to live in the light. It’s worth it to be a person who shares their truth, goes against the grain at times, and is an actual thinking human rather than a robot who is out of touch with their feelings & reality. No one here is anti science. No one here is a conspiracy theorist. We are just honest, hardworking, light-filled people who live healthy lives and make choices for ourselves and support others who make choices for THEMselves.

The content of the article aside, how is this okay???? How is it okay for the media to do what they do, and make money off of it at the same time? I literally don’t know how these individuals sleep at night, but what I do know is that we as a collective and a community and every woman who has been slighted by the mainstream… will rise above it. We are here to rise above it. And in doing so we will make a dent and change the world for real, I really do believe that.

And also, if you did find your way to the article itself, do yourself a favor and read the comments on the IG post posted by the publication it’s phenomenal to see not a single comment supporting the article itself. There are thousands of people who are awake, open minded, and living their damn lives who know that the media at this point is full propaganda and cruelty.

FINAL WORDS: I AM FILLED WITH HOPE & COURAGE!! So many people are awake and kind and full of love. THANK YOU to the hundreds of you who have reached out and supported on social media, email, DM, text message, etc. Last night I had dinner with a friend and looked down at my phone to over 100 text messages from friends near and far offering support. THAT restores my faith in humanity. That made my heart happier than words could ever say… and gives me hope for this world because lightness always overcomes the dark.

& as with all things like this that happen, NOT saying anything about this craziness also speaks volumes to me. There is not a single person I work with that hasn’t reached out (my podcast team, my TBB team, my designers and copywriters and photographers), and that shows me what an incredible, supportive, light-filled team I have surrounding me. Every kind comment, re-share, or post of your own about this narrative helps because it adds light to a conversation that has otherwise been very dark. I am consistently reminded how full of light this world is and that is thanks to you guys. Let’s keep doing this good work of being good humans who don’t slander people.

I love you all — and back to regularly scheduled programming from here on out.

Oh my gosh, do you feel all of the potent energy swirling in the world right now? I can hardly contain my own relationship to it… I am feeling everything. All of it. Heart wide open, soul on the table. Between being a Reflector and truly reflecting the state of the earth and the cosmos, being a highly sensitive person, the astrological happenings of the moment (portals on portals), as well as the culmination of emotions & events that have taken place in 2020, it’s a lot. For anyone!

If you’ve read my last handful of posts then you know I’ve been IN IT this year. Experiencing it all. From water fasts to plant medicine ceremonies, opening up deeper to my channeling abilities and learning how to create real boundaries, sharing 5D consciousness talk without a filter on the podcast (that feels good), enjoying being a newlywed to my amazing husband, and committing myself to creative projects that have been knocking on my door for a long time… 2020 has been big.

And I know it has been deep for all of us. Transformative, to say the least. We will walk away from this year knowing that the world will never be the same. I mean, how could it? Each and every one of our lives has gotten flipped on a dime! We’ve been ordered to stay home for a majority of the year, separated from our families and friends, many of us have watched loved ones get ill, no travel or weddings or events as planned… we’ve been at the mercy of the pandemic. Something we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams at the end of 2019.

However there are positives. So many positives. I cannot even fathom what could have likely happened with my health and body had we not been forced to slow down this year. I deeply feel that I would have hit a breaking point of no return. It SCARES me legitimately to think about. Actually it makes me want to cry, because even know after all of the slowing down & the learning & reflection, I still feel a burning desire to “do more.” It’s a lifelong learning, I suppose. But the downtime and the time for intense healing and reflection has been really, really good.

And despite it all, I am still in ferocious pain every single day and that is why I am terrified of what could have been, had we not been forced to slow down. I think I would have had to do it on my own, much like I have had to learn again again since first getting sick! And that would have sucked, but I likely would have done it.

Beyond my personal health, I know this downtime has been a positive for the world at large. We have taken notice of social justice issues and inequality like never before, because we are HOME & able to do so with more time than ever on our hands and nowhere to run. I really do believe and feel that people’s perspectives have shifted. As a collective we are more clear on what is important, what truly matters, and that list is very small. So many people I know and love have moved, changed careers, started or ended relationships, transformed from the inside out, and have stepped deeper into their true calling.

My Plant Medicine Journey // Into My Soul

I really believe all of that is possible because of this year forcing us to take a good, hard look at ourselves and allow change and evolvement. It’s so big. The earth isn’t allowing us to mess around anymore or be avoidant of any feelings whatsoever. If you are still avoiding, it’s time to stop doing that. Truly. Take my word for it. Your life will be better once you let yourself see and feel it all, even the intensity of the dark, murky shadows.

Trust me, I have been doing it so I can say — life does get better once you face that shit! Which brings me to the plant medicine ceremony I experienced the other weekend… If I thought I had been transformed before that…. JUST. WOW. No words.

It really says something that it has taken me so many weeks to sit down and write this. You guys know all I do is write. I write for days. I write to know what I am feeling. I write to FEEL what I am feeling, to heal it, to transmute it, to get it out. I am still digesting this one in a big way, but I want to give you at least a little peek.

And speaking of the journey, if you haven’t heard this week’s solo episode, check it out here: Ayahuasca Solo Deep Dive: My Most Recent Journey & Awakening to the Medicine Woman Within. That is Part One, and Part Two is coming next week. I think Part Three will be coming soon after, with a special guest aka my perfect husband who will hopefully share his experience with us, too. Once it digests.

The podcast really gets into it in a way that I don’t have it in me to get into right now (still feeling all the things and feeling really low energy but high vibe — if that makes sense), but what I will do is share some big takeaways. I will do my best to organize them here below:

1. I went into the ceremony weekend with a lot of anxiety. I have had a whole year and a half since my last big plant medicine journey for the anxiety to mount, because around last summer I started experiencing severe panic attacks for the first time in my life. I asked the medicine to be gentle with me (in fact I begged her haha) and she really delivered. She taught me how to trust again, how to surrender. I really feel I restored the medicine’s trust at this ceremony and she restored mine. Which, as we know, is really just my restoring faith and trust in myself and my own ability to heal and use the infinite power of worlds that lives inside of all of us.

2. My first night of the ceremony was beautiful and GENTLE (my intention & mantra), and the medicine really took me on a journey with my maternal lineage. That was beautiful and exciting, because I often journey with my paternal lineage because, let’s just say, they have a lot more shit to heal. Lol. But my maternal grandmother came in strong, clear, fierce, and gentle and we went on a JOURNEY through lifetimes together. She helped me heal my womb space, my stomach, my uterus, basically my entire root / sacral chakra areas and I saw lifetimes of pain and women’s stories living inside of me. I recognized that they were both mine and not mine, and that it was time to FEEL them and pay honor to them so that the pain could begin to leave my body…

3. That first night I also went on a journey into a house of doors, each door opening to show me a lesson or a memory about why I hold so much anxiety and fear. Both my grandmother and grandmother Ayahuasca took me very slow on this, and we basically all agreed I was not quite ready to go deep into the pain because I was so in need of a gentle, light, healing experience. The entire night was honestly sensational.

4. Saturday night inevitably took me far deeper. When the medicine entered my body, I started sobbing. It was the most cathartic cry of my life. I think I cried for 8 hours straight, drowning in my own cries and snot and tears and all. It was so extremely beautiful to have Jonathan there with me. He held me and SAW me to my core while I sobbed through lifetimes of pain, both my own and the women who came before me. It was so extremely incredible (and PAINFUL) to allow it to all flow out of me. To really become aware of it and then shed the layers. Layer after layer after layer. It was one of the most intense and TRANSFORMATIVE experiences (if not number one) that I have ever had. I laid horizontally in Jonathan’s arms and forgot I even had my own body and just bawled and bawled. There are no words to describe it because the WORLD melted away. I saw in that moment that he and I are one.

5. I saw Jonathan’s soul in the deepest, purest way. He is a combination of so many things. An old, deeply wise soul who is also a puppy. He is my rock and my healer. He is a creative genius, an angelic young spirit, and a grandfather (who looks like a tin man !!!!) all at once. He has known me for eons. He knows me in many ways better than I know myself, and I him. It’s magic. HE is magic. I have never loved my husband or our relationship more deeply, because what I thought was true depth was cracked into a trillion pieces and rebuilt that night. Just wow. Wow. THE LOVE !!

6. I sobbed mainly about how old I am. I am an ancient great great great great great great grandmother soul in a 30 year old’s body. In this lifetime I do aspire to get back to my youthfulness. I know my body is young and I cherish that. But my body aches and screams in pain like I am a 850 year old woman. It’s really alarming and I know for a fact I don’t portray it outwardly, so no one would ever know. My bones feel brittle and my muscles feel weak. I don’t have it in me most days to leave my bed. I sobbed and sobbed about that, recognizing perhaps for the first time how TRULY hard that aspect of being ill has been. But I also know it’s my super power. And I also know I have been gifted an angel (Jonathan!!!) to help me through life, literally guiding me with his strong hand on my back when things get hard. And I know I will heal the more I uncover and learn and transmute… it’s just a lot.

7. I got to see my beautiful teacher Ms. Lauren Lamay who passed away a few years ago. She was my middle school English teacher who changed my life and the lives of all whom she encountered and taught over her 37+ year career. She was the bread and butter of my school, Country Day, she read to us out loud from the greatest novels of all time. She instilled in me the confidence in my writing and pretty much everything I have become today. She lives on in my heart so strongly & with such purity and depth. We went on a JOURNEY on a ayahuasca… she taught me so much. We went into what my next book will be, and I have gotten to go deep on the journey of writing it and living in that world for the past many weeks. It feels so good.

8. On our Sunday ceremony, I got to talk to my future children and see them move across the kaleidoscope skies with the neon stars with the trees taught me again how to breathe. Earth is beautiful.

9. It’s hard to be a human. It just is. That was shown to me on epic levels of massive proportion during all three ceremonies that weekend.

10. It’s no secret that I haven’t felt at “home” in the city for a while now, and that nature calls to me. One of my intentions was for Mother Aya to show me where I will be happiest living. She certainly delivered, and I am so excited for that to come to fruition when the time is right.

11. Most of all, Aya showed me this time around that we deserve to live our absolute best lives. We truly deserve and are capable of reaching each and every dream and goal we came into this life experience to have. As we grow up, we disregard the dreams we had as kids. When we saw the world as our oyster and knew we were capable of anything and everything. Ayahuasca deprograms us, brings us back to Mother Earth. To our eternal souls. What we came here to do. I saw in that ceremony weekend that I did not come here to play small. I came here to have it all, all my heart’s desires and dreams, and I will.

So basically she turned me into a little kid again. But also reconnected me with my ancient, alien soul. OH YEAH & little alien Yoda’s came in and laser gunned Lyme disease out of my blood stream SO THAT WAS AWESOME!

Now my face has shifted which I am entirely sure you can all see, because many of you have been pointing it out on Instagram and beyond. I feel that my eternal, old, wise, ancient soul has stepped back into my body, and I am not alone now. Same with my Pleiadian self.

And so many women in my life, some of the deepest & most incredible souls I know, were with me in spirit on my journey. They felt what I felt. They purged when I purged. Some of them slept all weekend and some of them didn’t get an ounce of sleep because they were feeling so much. We are all one, and I know I went there to heal in a collective sense that weekend.

Which brings me to this — I don’t recommend Ayahuasca to those who are not hearing her call. It’s a bit of a big deal that I am even writing about her here because I do not want to impose my experiences on anyone else. I truly believe that if and when your time is supposed to come, it will come.

(I also do not share where I do my ceremonies for legality reasons & because it is so deeply sacred and personal to me. Thank you so much for understanding & respecting that boundary. I know & honor that Aya will find her way into your life in the most beautiful way. She is infinitely wise.)

THANK YOU for reading, for being here, for allowing me to share so deeply something that is so, so dear to my heart. Also, you can read about my first Ayahuasca experience from January 2019 here, and to this podcast episode with Jonathan where we discuss our ceremony from Summer 2019. Our next one together will be coming so soon.

Okay, love you all, would love to hear your thoughts & reflections below!!! Hugest love, happy holiday season, & more from me soon.

This month is FLYING… like woah. I have been taking a lot of downtime and have really been structuring my days differently, all focused around healing and feeling my best every day.

You guys know this is hard for me, real hard, but I try. And so far, it really seems to be working. I have been very focused on doing LESS, and the outcome is that I am actually accomplishing more, feeling more fulfilled, and also feeling a hell of a lot less sick on a day to day basis.

What does doing less mean? It means actually only actively working for about 2-3 hours a day, give or take, and then allowing myself to focus on other things for the rest of the day — whether that be healing, reading, meditating, going on walks, exercising, taking baths, sitting in the sauna, listening to podcasts, brainstorming and writing, hanging out with people I love, etc.

This is NOT EASY for a former workaholic, let me tell you. But my body is thanking me for it, my mind is thanking me for it, and I have realized so many things about myself in the process.

Like… there is so much more to life than working. And when you are busy working, it’s easy to forget that sometimes. I always say that getting sick has been such a gift in my life because I have simply had no choice other than to completely refine the way I go about life, and then continuously refine it again and again whenever my body speaks to me and tells me to do so.

So!!! My days lately have been awesome! And I want to share with you what I have been doing that have all been making a big difference in how I feel day to day.

The main question I get every single day on social media, the blog, and beyond is what are the TOP THINGS that have helped me heal from Lyme Disease and find relief?! And while that list is always changing and I also have so much more healing to do, I definitely have my daily lifestyle practice to thank for feeling so much better than I did just a mere few years ago… and even a mere few months ago, because things are always changing.

So let’s get into it!! My top 10 healing things that I do every day!! Keep in mind you can and should absolutely refine these and make them your own because we are all different — but this is what works for me and I am so grateful for these little life hacks that keep me feeling my best.

TBB’s Top Ten:

1. Sit in my sauna. Okay let’s start here… sweating in an infrared sauna has changed my life. Yes, it has to be infrared because infrared heat penetrates the skin 5-7x deeper than regular heat. It helps to release toxins in your body which are then carried out through your sweat, it helps bring oxygen and nutrients to the surface of your skin, it is great for skin because it stimulates collagen and encourages dead cell tie off, it burns calories, relieves pain, and greatly reduces inflammation in the body. It has changed my WORLD.

I got a home sauna about 2 years ago, and I swear by my Clearlight (use the code BLONDE for a discount!). But I know a home sauna is not an option for everyone, so if that is your case then search for a sauna place or gym near you that may offer infrared saunas. In LA I love Sweatheory and Shape House! So yes every morning I wake up, make my celery juice (see below), turn on my sauna and sit in it for anywhere from 30 mins to an hour. It helps SO MUCH with my Lyme joint pain and fatigue… it literally eliminates so much of the pain, puffiness, and heaviness (literally and figuratively) I wake up with every morning. It is EVERYTHING !

2. Drink celery juice! Ahhh celery juice, the best in the world. If you are not a celery juice person or you just can’t stand it, then any green juice in the morning will do. I like celery specifically for its incredible benefits with skin, digestion, cell regeneration, liver detox, anti-inflammatory properties, and beyond. Say what you may about celery juice, but it has singlehandedly healed me from SEVERE eczema and cystic acne, and helps me immensely every day with digestion, skin, energy, symptoms of Lyme and EBV, and beyond.

If you want to learn more about it listen, to my two episodes with Anthony William of the Medical Medium on TBB Podcast! Also, I drink 16 oz every morning minimum, which is recommended for those of us who are healing.

Celery juice specifically has changed my woooorld. Take my word on this. And give it some time. It is not an overnight fix, but 5-6 months in and you will realize that so much has changed- skin, digestion, EBV, fatigue, etc. Trust me.

3. Get outside in nature. This one is a non-negotiable. On days that I don’t get outside and plant my feet into the earth, I am a different person entirely. Nature gives me that breath of fresh air that I so desperately need. Even if I only have the energy to get outside briefly, 10 minutes is better than nothing. I love to walk, hike, and ideally plant my feet directly into the sand or the soil or grass somewhere. A great way to do this right now is to have a picnic outside or go on a walk with a friend.

Whenever I start to feel stress and anxiety creep in, I get outside. In my healing journey I discovered forest bathing… which literally means spending time in a forest and soaking in the negative ions and high frequency vibrations from the trees, plants, soil, wind, and animals in nature. I believe many of us get sick because we are being called back to nature. Nature is everything.

This is also when I MOVE! Movement everyday for me is so key. Either outside or inside for a MWH workout or a yoga flow… so, so, so needed. And I am always walking! As my husband says, I go on at least 5 walks a day (on a good day)!

4. Lymphatic facial massage. I love giving myself a daily lymphatic facial massage, to get that drainage moving. Not just to reduce puffiness in appearance but mostly to relieve pressure in my sinuses (chronic histamine issues… my Lyme people get me) and the extreme tightness I experience daily in my jaw. I LOVE using my Wildling Beauty gua sha crystal for this along with a light facial oil like jojoba. Sometimes I even do this in my sauna but it is always part of my morning or evening routine, and on the days I don’t do it I really notice the difference.

5. I optimize my digestion. I do this in a lot of ways, but one of those ways is with Arrae herbal supplements for bloating. Hot tip… they also have supps for Calm which is amazing on those high anxiety days (which seem to be a lot lately). I LOOOVE my Arrae Bloat capsules! They are full of potent digestive herbs like ginger, dandelion root, lemon balm, peppermint, and slippery elm. The founder is in TBB Tribe, Siffat, and she is amazing! Since I have started taking these my bloat has gone way down and I am love, love, loving how I feel after every meal. Such a game changer. I also drink digestive teas all day long which we will get to!

6. I eat plant based… obvi. And food combine! You guys know I am all about that SOS-free, vegan life. Eating in this anti-inflammatory way has changed my life. It has also made me deeply passionate about the vegan cause for the animals and the environment. I know at this stage in my vegan journey I could never go back. I also food combine which helps immensely with how I feel and keeps my inflammatory Lyme symptoms at bay! More on this in my 22 Day Detox Program!

I could talk about this for days but the plant based life honestly makes me so happy- I am so passionate about it I could burst. Food combining really changed the game for me when it comes to eating light to heavy… so I feel more light and energized all day long, ending the day with my biggest, most nutrient-dense meal!

7. Drink digestive teas. I am a tea drinker all day long. My main go-to’s are peppermint, lemon balm, red raspberry leaf (especially during my cycle), Egyptian licorice, ginger, lemon, you name it! I am ALWAYS sipping on tea. At night I like to drink a tea called Smooth Move that really helps with digestion. If you have Lyme or another chronic illness you know that sometimes digestion just literally crawls to a halt. We are dealing with a body, immune system, and stomach that needs a lot of support. So that Smooth Move tea most nights helps me a TON!

8. Surround myself with high vibe loved ones. I mean this is just a given. When I am feeling really sick and unwell I can get into a reclusive mode where I fear that doing anything with anyone will deplete me to the point of no return. That is a really sad place to be, and after years of dipping in and out of that place I just try to not let myself go there anymore. Of course sometimes I still do, and alone time is amazing and something I so cherish, but having my close friends, family and Jonathan to lean in has been everything in my healing journey. The more time I spend with people I love, the better.

Now that being said, it has to be the right people!! People who are not on my frequency always tend to leave me feeling exhausted AF. So keeping those high vibe friendships close is where it’s at.

9. Coffee enemas daily! This is huuuuuuge. You have seen me talk a lot about digestion in this post. I do a coffee enema probably 5 days out of the week. Some weeks I do them every single day. This helps stimulate glutathione in the body, increases liver detox through the bowels, and so much more. Head here to read all about coffee enemas and how to do them!! Also, they are a big part of my 22 day detox!!

10. SLEEP. This is another given, but one I am very much still working on. I am trying to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. If you guys saw on IG… Jonathan literally bribed me with a purse that I have been dying for so that I would wake up at 8am every day in the month of June. And it worked!! I also take Cured Nutrition CBD every evening before bed… their mint tincture! (Code BLONDE for a discount).

So there you have it my loves! My top 10 go-to’s! Save this for whenever you may be having a down day and needing a little extra boost, or for when you’re wondering what I have done to get to this next stage of healing. I hope you love it. Would love any and all thoughts below, or anything I missed. Love you guys to the moon!

I was laying in bed reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle, halfway trying to ignore the searing pain pulsing through every muscle, joint, and bone of my body. Halfway feeling the pain’s presence, always feeling its presence because it is always, always there. It felt so blissful to rest, like really rest. For once even though I was in excrutiating pain my nervous system somehow felt comfortable and relaxed, and I allowed my entire being to breathe deeper and sink into my pillowy bed.

Despite feeling relaxed, in the back of my mind there is always one thing blaring loud and clear: I’m sick, I’m sick, I’m sick, I’m in pain, this is not normal, will this ever end, how will I go on like this, suck it up, you have to deal with it, this is your reality. On a never ending loop.

This prolonged quarantine time has been interesting for me with Lyme disease because all I have hoped for and fantasized about with my schedule for the last handful of years has kind of come true (in a weird way)… having nowhere to be, with no additional pressure to be “on” or to say yes to things that my body in many ways just cannot and will not do.

Now with starting to be out and about again a bit more and re-entering the world in my own way, my body is on high alert. I feel exhausted all over again, without the exhaustion ever having gone away in the first place.

And when I say exhausted I don’t just mean tired… I mean like ravished deep in my bones exhaustion, impossible to lift an arm for a glass of water, bone deep, crushing fatigue. It is terrifying. Do I talk about it a lot? No. Do you see it on my social media when I am laughing and jogging with my husband and recording podcasts and trying to be a functioning human adult? No. But is it there, behind my smile, every waking second? …Yeah.

So you can imagine my shock when I got to a passage in Glennon’s book where she writes about her first encounter with Elizabeth Gilbert. Two of my favorite writers, so first of all it is my nerdy author dream to think about them meeting let alone lay my eyes on what the passage actually said!!

In the passage Glennon describes their first conversation, when Liz asked her what brought her to Naples, Florida. Glennon’s response is, “I got neurological Lyme disease a few years ago. My entire body shut down, and I was in bed for two years and popping fifty pills a day. I went to stay in my friend’s place in Naples, and I felt so much better. I moved there temporarily, and I was able to ditch the pills, so I just stayed. I’ve always known I wanted to live by the beach. I guess women have to almost die before we give ourselves permission to live how we want.”

I GUESS WOMEN HAVE TO ALMOST DIE BEFORE WE GIVE OURSELVES PERMISSION TO LIVE HOW WE WANT.

UMMMM !!!! GLENNON !! HELL TO THE YES.

You guys, I was shook. I am still shook.

First of all, I did not know that Glennon had suffered from neurological Lyme. I have been a fan of her writing for years, but I somehow missed this key piece of info. Secondly, this line of writing spoke to my very core in a way that is truly indescribable.

The Messy Truth

Those of you who have followed me throughout my Lyme journey, and even before I got sick with Lyme, have witnessed my unbecoming. I am not who I once was. I have had a handful of near death experiences being sick, but none of those quite come close to feeling half dead every single day of my life.

I know, it’s depressing. I wish it weren’t true and I hate writing it. It’s just a fact. And while I really dislike being anything but positive and optimistic with you guys, as my dear friend Biet Simkin reminded me the other day, “Babe, feel it all. You are not a robot.”

When I showed Jonathan that line about having to almost die before giving myself permission to live how I want to live he instinctively said, “No, that’s not you,” at the thought. And I said, “…Yes it is.” And trust me, I get it!! It is so f*cking hard for the people who love us and show up for us every day and see us at our best, our worst, and everything in between to accept how much pain we are really in. Because to accept it means feeling the hurt too.

I would hate to know anyone I loved was in this much pain. But reading Glennon’s book is reminding me that pain is beautiful. Pain is feeling. Pain is human.

This year in particular I have gone through a lot of phases in relation to Lyme. I have experienced the “I am not going to talk about being sick anymore and I regret ever sharing about Lyme on my blog / social media at all” phase to the “I refuse to be sick and I will only acknowledge my good days both publicly and privately” phase to the “I am doing one more goddamn treatment for Lyme if it’s the last thing I do and then I am done treating it and living in the hell of it forever” to “okay I actually feel like scum of the earth and as a Reflector being I can’t keep this to myself anymore no matter how much I try” and so many other phases. On and on. Another loop.

Anyway, in reading that line I really broke down. I tend to look at everyone I admire (Glennon Doyle being way high on that list) and think, “What an awesome, amazing, inspiring life. If only I had that kind of energy. I miss having that kind of energy. Will I ever have the energy to be a real human again?”

So reading that she, Glennon Doyle, one of my biggest inspirations and one of the world’s most powerful women no doubt, had to overcome the same Lyme-sick exhaustion I am now having to overcome… that hit me right in the heart. And it affirms so much to me — I really feel that we get sick in order to be woken up. Spiritually, emotionally, psychically, all of it. And if you know much about Glennon then you know she is spiritually AWAKE and living her best, most aligned, most human, most real and raw and messy-beautiful life.

I have given myself permission to do a lot of things since getting sick. Like SLOW WAY DOWN, take so much more time for myself, say “no” to things it previously would have horrified me to say no to, cuddle Hudson for hours upon waking up rather than jump right into “being productive,” take several baths a day, focus on the integrity of my brand vs. growing a large company, do a lot lot lot less… but I really have so much more to do on this front.

There is so much I yearn for that I am not currently doing. Writing this soul-deep kind of stuff is one of those things. But if I were to really look in the mirror and ask myself what I still need to give myself permission to do … a lot of things would come right up.

So today Glennon Doyle inspired me to share the truth with you guys. Because positivity is great but honesty is so, so much greater. The truth is…

Some days I am just not okay. Some days I am really, really, really not okay. I worry constantly that this pain will never go away, that I will never again have the energy to spend an entire day out of bed without wanting to gauge my eyes out, that I can go to a family event and not have to curl up on the couch watching everyone talk and spend time together and wonder how they do it… how they have the energy to be in their bodies, present, like living life ain’t no thang.

I wonder if I will ever be able to make plans without having to worry that I’ll have to cancel them, or the much deeper stuff like what kind of mom I will be able to be or how my body will handle being pregnant in the hopefully near-ish future if I can’t even handle the way I feel right now. I also wonder when my stomach will not feel like it has daggers piercing my intestines every time I eat or even look at food?

It’s a lot of worrying, I know. Sometimes I put the worrying away and live in the moment and go on a magical walk with a friend and it feels great. Sometimes I just don’t have that luxury. Some days are great, some days I really feel amazing. I choose to share those days with all of you, and I am happy to do that because it gets me through the harder days.

The truth is… messy. If I were to tell you the whole truth it would fill up pages and pages and pages of a whole book. That is my plan.

In the meantime, trying to tell the truth via one Instagram post, blog post, or email newsletter is just… hard. It feels incomplete. But I guess that is what happens when you commit to sharing your soul with the world. It is always going to feel a bit incomplete and then these heart spill moments will give some insight into what’s going on on a deeper level.

I do feel on the precipice of something deeper, a new level of unbecoming. It has been knocking on my door for a while. It HURTS. It is probably why I find myself crying every day lately, why the ache of it all feels so much stronger than it usually does. I am face to face with it. That’s the real, not fun, but real truth.

I have so much more to say, but I hope my little truths today can spark some awareness or at least some inspiration to face your own truths. In the midst of everything going on in the world right now, I know we are all feeling hard. The truth can be difficult, messy, and feel a bit impossible sometimes. But the beauty is that we are never alone.

Thank you Glennon for reminding me that I am not alone even when I feel like I am the only freaking person in the world who feels the way that I do. I will be manifesting the same wide open awareness to live the exact life I want to be living. Thank you for inspiring me.

I hope so much that I can do the same for you, my sweet reader. I love you all so much. XO

I am hoooome from my recent water fast, and I am truly mind boggled that in just a few days it will be June. I feel like I have been living in a time warp, especially because for a total of 32 days during this quarantine I was away at the fasting center dedicated to healing Lyme, mold, and co-infections in my body. I was fasting on either juice or water for about 28 of those days, and slowly reincorporating food on the other days.

So yeah… I’ve been on quite the journey. And I am truly pretty much speechless about it which is so unlike me so that just goes to show you, I have a lot of processing to do still. A lot. But I am going to try my best to put my thoughts into words.

First of all, for people who haven’t heard me speak about water fasting before. Trust me, the first time I heard of it many years ago I thought whoever had mentioned it to me was INSANE !! TRULY !! But I hadn’t yet been in a dire position with my health where I would do anything/everything to heal my body. So reserve your judgment if you have any about this way of healing or any way of healing for that matter.

When you’ve reached the depths of pain with any sort of illness, you know the truth — you would do anything to heal and get your life back. It feels a bit like life or death, and I have been erring on the side of “death walking” for many years now so trust me when I say, a water fast ain’t no thang compared to living with Lyme every single day for years after years.

Over the years since that very first time I heard about fasting, I have learned all about the fasting way of life — and it’s not as scary as it sounds. It’s not dangerous at all when done properly (in a medical facility, getting your vitals checked daily) and can be the UTMOST healing experience in so many ways. I don’t ever recommend it to people to do, because I can only speak for myself. But for me, fasting has changed my life and truly given me my life & health back.

It puts our bodies into rest & digest mode, and allows the 75% of energy that is usually spent digesting food all day long to flow directly into healing vital organs, infections, parasites, bacteria, dormant viruses and beyond in the body. All you do while fasting is REST, which as we know is one of the number one SIMPLE & accessible healing tips in the world.

My Four Fasting Experiences //

I decided to do two back to back fasts during this quarantine for a lot of reasons. One, fasting has been my saving grace for the last few years. If you remember my first long fast I did back in 2018, it was the first and only thing that made my chronic hives and eczema go away after TEN. LONG. MONTHS. of waking up every day as an itchy, bleeding, miserable mess. See below photo for a visual.

But after that first fast I still had a long way to go. I had just been diagnosed with Lyme, mold, MCAS, co-infections, parasites, gut dysbiosis, the list goes on. Honestly I never want to type that damn list out again. It feels like it has been a part of my story for so long now and now it’s time to let go of it. But long story short, my entire life for the last 2 years (really 3, if you include the painful year before I was diagnosed) has been about healing those issues and trying to get some semblance of my life back.

That first fast was truly remarkable for me. My histamine markers went from off the charts in the 1500 range down to about 700 (still high, but HUGE improvements). I lived with those improvements for about 8 months and then in early 2019 I did another fast, and the inflammation continued to go down and I started to actually feel more like myself again. That one was incredibly deep and was perhaps the first time I realized that wait, maybe a water fast could not only feel healing and take the pain away but could actually HEAL me from my ailments.

The thing with water fasting that people always ask me is, do the benefits really last once you start eating food again? And that answer is complicated. Yes, the benefits last and there is no way to “undo” the incredible work you do for your body during a fast unless you just throw caution to the wind in a big way when you get back into food again. And even then you’re not undoing the deep work that has been done in the body, from dead cell die off and the regeneration of new cells (a.k.a the process of autophagy) to toxin die off to the deep healing and rest our bodies receive while fasting. BUT, is one water fast a cure all for a very intense chronic illness? Probably not, depending on the circumstance.

As I always say, the sicker our bodies are, the more fasts or modalities we may need to heal. Of course that is all relative and different for each person, but after my first and then my second fast when I spoke to my family about potentially doing a third, my dad said to me, “WHY would you do that if it didn’t heal you the first two times?!” which was SUCH a valid question. But in my heart I knew the answer to that… when we are extremely sick with Lyme or some kind of deep chronic illness, it’s not a one two punch. It’s a long game. It will take however long it takes, however many times it takes, to make a massive and lasting change.

At that time in mid 2019 I knew in my heart that every time I did a fast my inflammation went down significantly in a HUGE way. I also knew that fasting was one of the most physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing things I had ever done — so I knew I had to be in a really stable, focused and aware place if I were to head back into a fast. That is why I have spread my fasts out over a full two year period. And to make things even more wild, my FIRST fast in 2018 and my most recent fast were on the EXACT SAME DATES of the year in May… and I only realized that about halfway through this one. If you don’t believe in the synchronicities of the universe… I beg to differ.

My Experience This Time Around //

I decided not to do a second fast in 2019 because I wanted to get strong for our wedding and just be in the best headspace possible, not necessarily in “toxin die off mode” which is incredible for healing but not really incredible for living life and trying to get married and enjoy a wedding and honeymoon! So I saved my third fast for this year, which I did in March. For more on my water fast in March, head here to read about it or here to listen! Also, I am compiling a list of questions about fasting for another pod episode so feel free to leave those in the comments below!

After stumbling across an incredible blog of someone who has now become a dear friend – a woman named Sarah who HEALED FROM LYME & put her Lyme into 100% remission by doing a long water fast – I went into my third fast with my eyes wide open to the reality that this fast could in fact heal me completely.

And after that 14 day fast in March, I really did feel healed… about 50-60% at least, which is absolutely huge when you’re suffering from an illness you have been told since day one is completely incurable. I feel that I reached states of spiritual consciousness on that fast where illness simply can no longer exist — a place of such high vibrations that my mind, body, spirit, and soul were no longer in alignment with Lyme and all that Lyme has come into my life spiritually to teach me.

And when I got home in April I really felt better than I had in YEARS. I was bouncing off the walls with energy, going on runs with my husband, making recipe after recipe and even enrolled in a plant based nutrition program to be able to teach the plant based way of life in a whole new way.

But still deep in my heart I KNEW there was more healing to be had. The water fasting doctor I had worked with in March recommended that I come back for another two week stay after about a month of eating food and regaining my strength. At first I was unsure whether or not I would do that, but after a series of incredible synchronicities (including not one but TWO of my dear friends who also have Lyme deciding on their own to do a water fast at the same facility) it felt too meant to be to pass up.

So, May 10th rolled around annnnnd I went back to the healing center. This time with a renewed purpose and a renewed sense of self and determination to heal. I KNEW I was going to heal 100% this time. I was not going to take no for an answer. And I was prepared — my last fast had been so intensely PHYSICALLY painful and I had what felt like so many near death experiences (which were really just heavily intense detox) that I was prepared for absolutely anything to happen.

(And for inquiring minds who are worried about the weight loss during fasting — of course it is part of the process, but I worked really hard to get my weight back up to my pre-fast number between the third and fourth fasts. So I lost the same amount of weight both times but ended up after all was said & done at a very healthy place for my body, SANS inflammation which feels amazing!)

This fast… which I am still finding the words for… was my deepest yet, by far. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And the wildest part is that it flew by!!! Usually one day of fasting feels like one week, one month or one YEAR because it can be so physically painful and intolerable. But something about having my two friends there with me and being so mentally prepared for this one made every single day and then every single week fly by. It was incredible and almost made the whole thing feel like I had dreamt it by the time it was over… like it wasn’t even real.

And that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t insanely painful and difficult at the same time. The pain and difficulty were still there, but they tended to pass quicker. And I was so beyond in tune with my mind, body and spirit during this fast I knew what I needed in every moment and every day. For example I would do juice for two days, then water for two days, then juice for two, then water for four, and then really let my body decide each and every day when it was done with water and needed to go back on juice.

Pain I experienced & my tolerance this time //

Because I did these two fasts so close together, my body had less tolerance this time for long stretches of water alone. My longest period of water alone was for four days straight in the middle of this fast, then I regained strength with juice before going back on a few more days of water, then a few more days of juice. And instead of getting tripped up on the numbers or hitting any sort of daily goal (perfectionist over here), I just stuck extremely in the moment the whole time. I let the experience take over, listening to my heart and soul to the point where when my body was done I just knew. On that day I had zero ounce of regret or “maybe I can go longer” type of thoughts — I just took it for what it was worth and went back on juice and then on day 14, back on raw food.

Like I said, I am still finding the words to describe how deep and monumental this fast was for me. I journaled every day, laid on my balcony and spoke to the trees and the earth, and truly felt one with nature in the most healing way. I couldn’t look at anyone’s faces without completely seeing them shape shift, and felt SO IN TUNE with my psychic and spiritual gifts there are not even words to describe it! When you strip away all the layers, the spiritual gifts that come are beyond.

And likewise with healing, when we strip away the layers and let our bodies just BE, I believe that is when we can finally heal. Taking away the food, the stress, the medications, the daily routine, the habits, the layers, and letting our bodies do their thing, what they were MADE to do, is where healing can happen.

As far as pain this time around, I had a lot of it. For almost the full two weeks my jaw was in SEARING, excruciating, mind-bending pain, like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. My legs were throbbing the entire time too, and the joints in my knees, ankles, elbows, hands and jaw were perpetually in extreme pain. I had a migraine/headache pretty much daily, as well as horrible neck and shoulder pain. But that’s all par for the course and like all of my previous fasts, by the end of the experience… the pain lifted and I was left with less pain than ever before.

At the end of the fast I had another healing/detox reaction, which was a strep throat situation where I believe and feel my body was detoxing strep once and for all. My glands got swollen, I felt full on strep vibes, but hadn’t left my bed in weeks so there was no way for me to catch it. It took about a week, but that pain has slowly now passed through and I feel like it was my body’s final push to detox the strep virus.

And the wild thing about fasting is that even though you are in so much pain during the experience, it is still about one ONE THOUSANDTH of the pain of living with Lyme every day. Because the daily inflammation goes away during the fast and makes every moment so much more bearable. So as you read about the pain of the fast, maybe that will give you a little glimpse into what it can be like to live with Lyme on the daily and why this type of experience is so worth it to those of us who are healing.

Most importantly with each passing day of this fast I felt just a tiny bit better and a tiny bit more myself. My brain fog continued to lift and I felt like I was beginning to see the world in 5D. I was gaining massive insights every day about the best way to eat for my body, the healing powers of fruit and vegetables, the direction I want to take my brand and my life, and honestly even feeling the presence of my future babies with me every step of the way. It’s like the veil between this world and the other realms completely lifted and I was just floating in an in-between space. There are no words to describe how healing and miraculous that feeling is.

The Healing Itself //

Now I am home, and I almost feel stunned as if I can hardly speak on the entire experience. Clearly I spoke about it above but as far as the benefits and the healing that have taken place, they almost feel too sacred to even share yet. I promise I will continue sharing as I continue to find the words. Sign up for my weekly Monday newsletter here for an update this Monday, and I will continue updating you guys on the blog & pod too!

I DO feel healed, but even more so on a spiritual level than a physical level. I also feel exhausted. Weak. Tired. And sort of bummed about that and I am letting myself sink into that very real feeling. I do fasting so that I can leave feeling on top of the world, and this time I left feeling tired like I am coming to the end of a VERY long battle… which I am. So I am just giving myself space and rest while I acclimate after that experience. I am so thankful for my husband who has made our home such a safe space for me to continue healing, and has allowed me to just do NOTHING at home but lay in the bath and relax and get my strength back.

The craziest part is that I am not who I once was. Not before my third fast, or my most recent fast, and certainly not before my first two. Not before my Lyme diagnosis. Not before I have experienced multiple near death experiences from surgeries, medications, the weight of Lyme itself, and so much more. It can be hard, to be very real with you guys, to reconcile what I have seen, experienced, gained, and lost. It is not a journey I would trade for the entire world, but I certainly cannot relate to who I used to be — or the person who others were used to me being. I am now so different. And it connects me to different individuals who are also on this journey which is beautiful. It is just something I continue to work through and experience more and more of with every passing day.

This time around, the negativity (albeit minor) got to me more than usual. When I would receive a comment from someone saying, “Must be nice to be able to afford this treatment but it’s sickening that you share it because the rest of us cannot,” (but said in a much nastier way) it would hurt me to my core. Because we are all just doing the best we can. As much as I wish I could represent every single person who is healing, the best I can do is represent myself and continue to provide free information everywhere I can. And as far as treatment expenses, doing a water fast is far more affordable than even one round of stem cells, ozone, hyperbaric chamber, or any type of supplements or meds.

(Oh and don’t even get me started on the haters who say that water fasting is dangerous, when they have no iota of knowledge about the science and safety behind it.)

So for that reason as well I feel compelled to be a bit quieter this time around, as I come back into the experience of being home, healing, and feeling alive again. I promise to take you guys along for the ride when I feel up to sharing more. The most important thing here that I want to share is that healing is possible. You do not have to accept a diagnosis of “incurable.” I do not believe in that. I promise you there is another way. I LOVE YOU and would love to hear any and all thoughts and questions below. XOXOXO

Have you heard this week’s podcast episode about my health coaching and holistic healing journey? I answered a bunch of your awesome q’s that you sent in about healing including… why I no longer drink alcohol, how to eliminate the “fruit fear” from your life, how to create a career in wellness, how to find clients as a health coach (hint… let them find you!), finding body confidence, how my life has changed since I wrote my first book, and so much more.

It’s a fun one. I am loving the solo episodes lately – it feels like we are just in a 1-on-1 conversation together and it is such a great place for me to address your questions in detail. Also, with everything going on in the world right now the solo vibes feel nice and calm compared to the cadence of other conversations. I am a fan who else is into the solos?!

Today on the blog I wanted to get into my health coaching journey in more personal detail, and share with you what inspired me to sign up for health coaching school in the first place… 6 years ago now! Time has flown!

I also want to let you know that if you are interested in signing up for Nutrition School, I am able to offer you $2,000 off of your tuition + free gifts from me (detox program for everyone & a free 25 min Skype sesh for five people!!!) if you sign up through this link! You can also take a sample class there to see what you think of the program!

Okay… let’s get into it!

6 years ago I was in a tricky spot. I was 23, had just decided to leave grad school to pursue my blog full time (without hardly making a cent to my name yet, by the way), was about to move from NYC back to LA, and my family was going through a lot of challenges that happened to be weighing very, very heavy on my heart.

My NYC Days, Right When I Began Health Coaching School!

At the time I was following a few people in the wellness and spirituality blogging space who inspired me to no end (and still do) — like Gabby Bernstein, Kris Carr, and my friend Arielle of Be Well with Arielle. What did all of these ladies have in common? They had all done the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. And they were all massively successful in health, wellness, spirituality, coaching, writing books, the list goes on…!

After looking into it for months and hearing about it over and over again (Law of Attraction is so real and was so happening!), I decided I NEEDED to sign up for the program. It didn’t matter to me that I barely had a dime to speak of, I was going to make it happen. I remember sitting on my bed in my TEENY TINY bedroom in New York City (barely big enough for the bed itself) calling my dad one evening and telling him my plans to sign up for nutrition school.

He had a lot of questions, but ultimately he was supportive and I think he was very relieved at the end of the day that I would be doing more schooling to give myself some credibility behind this whole wellness blogging thing. In true Jordan fashion, I fired off all of the reasons why it was a “must” and got myself (and him) psyched on the idea. I paid for it with money leftover from deciding I was not going to do my second year of grad school, and made it happen.

Right after that phone call with my dad I got online and signed up, and just a few days later I began the Spring session of their program — just as I was wrapping up my first (and only) year of my Creative Writing MFA at The New School. It was so exciting!! I remember listening to lectures from some of my idols like Deepak Chopra, Geneen Roth, and the founder of IIN Joshua Rosenthal as I laid on my bed looking out at the bustling West Village thinking… This is my path. Finally, I have landed on what I truly love more than anything. And I can help people with this, too! And myself!

Nutrition is something I have been interested in since I was very young. I grew up with extreme stomach issues and food intolerances that always had me searching for the WHY behind the terrible way that I felt every day. For me, it always came back to food. As a child I came down with many mysterious illnesses, including severe pneumonia and whooping cough that kept me out of school for almost my entire third grade school year. Later in life I learned that I grew up in a moldy home, which definitely weakened my immune system.

While that is NOT a good thing, I have to say that growing up in that moldy home was ultimately a great gift in my life. I spent nearly 29 years wondering why my immune system was weaker than seemingly everyone else I knew, why Lyme disease (which I was diagnosed with in 2018) overtook my entire life and left me bedridden for three years in my 20’s, why alcohol simply doesn’t metabolize in my body, why I was always the “sick one” among my family and friends… and then one day not so long ago I learned (from my dad!!!!) that there was mold growing under my childhood bedroom. That no one had ever mentioned to me until now!

That probably is not the sole reason that my body became as toxic as it did and why I experienced such a total health breakdown in the last few years, but it certainly didn’t help! So while I was always sensitive and always erring on the side of sickness until full-blown chronic illness really hit me hard at 25, I have that same sensitivity and sickness to thank for the greatest passion in my life to this day. Wellness.

I always looked around at my totally healthy friends who could drink and eat fast food and stay out super late and feel just fine, while all of these things made me feel like I had been by my a Mack truck. And I always felt like that was my weakness — but around this time I realized this was not a weakness. This was actually my gift. Yes, it made life a little harder on many days and in many moments but it is what guided me toward my true path and passion in this life… health, wellness, and healing.

So! I dove into Nutrition School, moved back to LA, started blogging full-time, started charging for my services and working with brands, picked up my first few health coaching clients (in NYC before I moved!), and started a whole new life. AND IT WAS SO EXCITING!

I spent that year learning all about nutrition, business, spirituality, holistic healing, and over 100 different dietary theories from leading experts in the health and wellness field. I then applied that knowledge to my blog, my healing memoir, and the cleanse programs I’ve created in the years since to help other people heal. Not to mention, I think I use that knowledge and confidence I picked up through what I learned in IIN on social media every single day!

Then I got sick… and went on quite the journey. An inner journey.

Life was good. Really good. For a lot of years. I started a podcast, which became a #1 health podcast! I wrote a memoir. I went on a book tour! Then, 3 years ago… I got REALLY sick. It started with eczema, which turned into full body hives, which turned into chronic fatigue, joint pain, insomnia, brain fog, intense gut issues, and an overwhelming desire to crawl out of my skin.

I didn’t have it in me anymore to keep blogging and working on the same level I had been for years – or hardly at all. I withdrew from everyone and everything in my life. Western medicine couldn’t help me or give me answers and even my trusted healers were at a loss as to what was really going on with me. Then, long story short, after 10 months of pain and misery and nearly giving up more times than I can count, I found my Lyme disease specialist (LLMD) – Dr. Erica Lehman. She saved my life.

Dr. Lehman diagnosed me with Lyme, mold, parasites, gut dysbiosis, co-infections of Lyme like Babesia, Bartonella, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, as well as several nutritional deficiencies and severe hormone imbalances. All due to Lyme. Maybe even due to growing up in a moldy home which wrecked my immune system?!

For the last several years I have been healing. And learning a LOT about myself in the process. Shedding layers, breaking down, hitting rock bottom after rock bottom and barely able to keep myself afloat. I remember saying to my dear friend Sahara Rose when she was over at my house to podcast one day, “I want what you have… I want that energy and life force and inner beautiful creativity that’s guiding you. I feel like I am not living in my highest vibration at all right now.”

And she said, “Yeah, because you’re in the messy part of your journey! You’re in the thick of it. You will come out, and when that time comes it will be everything.”

Finally Healing

And damn, was she ever right. I kept going through it and kept healing, and finally… at the end of 2019, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I had found the SOS-free (salt oil sugar free) way of life the year prior and had been diehard about this way of eating – which helped a lot with inflammation, but holistic healing takes time! My brain fog was finally lifting as well as my joint pain… and I was feeling like myself again.

I ended up writing my 22 Day Detox Your Life program that traces everything that helped me heal – from the SOS-free diet, to detox protocols, to food combining, to supplements, to spirituality, to shedding layers, and beyond. Finishing a creative project like this after years of not being able to use my brain properly FELT. AMAZING!!! It was the best feeling in the entire world.

And now, I feel like my life has come full circle in so many ways! Through my detox program, I am health coaching again! I may not currently be seeing people one on one, but when they enter my program we develop a rapport and I am there for them with any questions they have or any support they need. This summer I am planning to release a more intimate healing circle where I will take on coaching clients in groups who are healing from chronic illness or inflammation the way I did… and I cannot wait!

I have IIN to thank for this knowledge, confidence, and ultimately for the tools to build my business and evolve and PIVOT in all of the ways that I have! From using my health coaching education to be a health coach in the beginning, to using it to feel more credible and educated as a wellness blogger and podcaster and writer, to finally bringing it full circle 6 years later with my current interests and loves in the plant-based nutrition sphere and helping others heal — I couldn’t be more happy with my decision to do it all those years ago. Or with where I am now.

To learn more about my health coaching and healing story, head to my latest podcast episode here! I also did a very special free live Zoom webinar with the Head of Brand of IIN, Jim Curtis which you can find here (the password for the Zoom is 6K%m*XD0) if you want to learn more!

If you are interested in signing up for IIN, head here to learn more and also to get the special $2,000 discount I am able to offer you guys + free gifts from me!!!

I for one have been using this time for deep, deep healing. In my own very intimately personal way, I feel that the universe has conspired with my soul and nudged me into a space of impossibly deep, unrelenting, REAL & TRUE healing during this time that calls for the utmost diligence, space, and stillness.

I.e. the type of healing that doesn’t happen in normal times. It’s just too hard, too hard to walk away from normal life, work, relationships, family, business, projects, my home, and more under normal circumstances. But these times? These strange times are the wild west. There is no normalcy to speak of. And while I know for many of us that means times are freaking challenging and scary and unpredictable, for me it means – it’s time to go inward and heal.

If that sounds confusing to you, I get it, but you’ve gotta take into account – I have been living this way for a long time. I have been bedridden and homebound for almost 3 years now, trying to figure out my health crisis and get my life back. I have definitely taken break after break after break to try to heal, but never have I had the space to FULLY surrender and FULLY let the healing flow in.

Until now, that is.

I have shared a bit on my podcast about how I feel like living with Lyme disease has prepped me for this COVID quarantine in a myriad of ways. You can listen to that episode here, as well as several of my other recent episodes that dive deep into what’s going on right now, as well as conversations with my favorite spiritual teachers about the topic, and guided + channeled meditations for this time. Also today I am releasing in tandem with this post a SOLO episode on my WATER FAST, so if you’re more of a podcast listener or want to hear more after finishing reading this blog post… check that out here!!

And before I stray way off topic and stay there (you guys know how I do), I want to get into the topic of today’s post… MY RECENT WATER FAST.

If you are new here and have no idea what a water fast is, I’ve gotchu. Head here to read about my previous experiences fasting. Let’s just say this ain’t my first rodeo when it comes to fasting for healing.

*And my briefest of brief disclaimer, because I know y’all are very smart and will continue to make informed and safe decisions for yourself & your health no matter what, but water fasting is not meant to be done at home and is not for the faint of heart. Water fasting is best and most safely done in a medically guided facility with trained fasting professionals – and is for people with severe chronic illness.

Water fasting is NOT a practice for weight loss (for most of us at least) and is not to be done flippantly or without great research and knowledge. It’s for sick people who are in need of deep healing, who are ready to commit to a new life, and who are ready to go through somewhat of a rebirthing process. And… it’s the most freakin’ amazing and healing thing ever if you’re ready to DIVE THE F IN, and if you’re doing it for the right reasons!*

OKAY now that we got that out of the way, and trust me those are important points to note, I want to tell you about my water fasting for healing experience this time around. For more details on the science and benefits of fasting, please refer back to my previous posts on the topic!

Time to take you along for the ride of my third long water fast, and by far my most healing !! //

This was my third long water fast, and I have officially lost count of the shorter ones that I do at home. I have been doing them for 2.5 years now. This was my longest fast yet, as it was 14 total days on water and juice, with a couple of days at the facility to re-feed afterward, and then another week at least of re-feeding at home. The re-feeding process has to be taken very slowly and cautiously after a fast, first introducing raw fruits and veggies, then steamed veggies, then steamed starches, then eventually grains, legumes, nuts and seeds.

And why was I doing this particular fast? For Lyme disease and co-infections, and specifically for relief of my hardcore symptoms of severe joint pain, brain fog, migraines/jaw pain/body tension, extreme chronic fatigue, insomnia, skin issues, and more. Basically everything that comes along with the pain of #LymeLife. The first time I did a long water fast (11 days, two years ago at True North) my chronic hives and eczema completely disappeared, and while I still get patches of rashes… they have never come back in full, especially in the way they once plagued me so, so deeply that I could not even sleep, move, work, live my life, etc.!!

Quite simply, Lyme, mold, and co-infections cannot thrive in an environment where there is nothing for it to feed off of. So the cells die off, new cells regenerate, and magical, deep healing is able to occur. Also, in that process, a major detox goes down!!

So after that first long fast, I knew fasting was a healing practice that really worked for me. I always know intuitively when it’s time for me to go back and do a longer one, and I have known for a while that my soul was feeling the deep call to do another. Ever since before our wedding actually, but I didn’t want to get too fatigued around that time (the detox that happens with a fast is no freaking joke, that’s why I reiterate that fasting is certainly not for the faint of heart!!), and then the beginning of this year was busy, and then I really thought these next few months would be quite busy and packed too.

But then… COVID happened, and plans were getting cancelled left and right. Since I have a deep spiritual practice and routinely get into deep conversation with my soul, I immediately knew this time was happening for me… there were lessons that needed to be learned, healing to be had. And the timing was perfect actually, as I had been hitting a wall with my healing and was basically… for lack of a better description… hysterically crying every single day and desperately needing help. Needing a new phase of my healing. Needing a serious lifestyle overturn and change.

Days One, Two & Three //

In fact, I had signed up for this fast even before the spread of COVID and the quarantine, but it was originally only going to be 7 days because that’s all I could carve out. Once more time opened up, I headed to the facility indefinitely. (And for inquiring minds… this was a private facility I went to, where I was in contact with no one but the doctor who runs it, so I was actually safer there in total isolation than I would have been at home, going on walks in my neighborhood and going to the store & such).

So there I was, finding myself getting dropped off at this water fasting facility 3.5 weeks ago now, saying goodbye to my husband indefinitely and feeling the anxiety creeping in. “What am I doing? Why do I put myself through shit like this? Is this really… necessary? Am I really doing this? Should I really be separated from my family right now? Is it selfish of me to be away? I am already starving and I wish I could have some cold brew and a f*cking avocado toast.”

On and on and on. Those were the thoughts running through my head, on repeat, for those first few days. And you guys, the detox in the beginning was BRUTAL!!!!! Brutal, let me tell you. And it came on hard and fast. By the first afternoon (and I decided to start fasting at home that morning so I could head to the facility and already have “day one” under my belt by that first night there) I already had a pounding migraine, exhaustion, and brain fog so intense I felt like I was going to pass out.

And that was way fast! In my previous fasts, it was definitely late into day two or early into day three that I would feel so intensely detox-y. On Day One I stared at my little bottle of emergency Advil thinking… “I. Need. Youuuuuuuuuu.” but also knowing in my heart that I was there to detox, and taking the Advil would be the antithesis of what I was for there and would give my liver even more to detox. (I am not telling you not to take Advil if you have a migraine, BTW, just do you and do what you believe in. But during a fast it’s not advised to take anything unless 100% necessary!)

So after that, I slept a lot and night one was not too bad. Day two though, hollllyyyyyyyy sheeeittt you guys. It was a doozy. Day two felt like it lasted a year. The pounding migraine was back, intense sweating (the purge was happening!!), body aches, brain fog, intense discomfort in my body, shooting pain in my legs, an overall feeling of just weepiness and sadness to be away from my boys for an indefinite amount of time, and to be honest that day I had a lot of, “Why me?” moments, which you know is NOT my usual mentality.

I really try not feel like a victim in this healing role ever, but in those very difficult moments I sometimes feel like “WHY ME!!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE JUST GET TO BE HEALTHY, AND EAT, AND DRINK, AND WORK OUT, AND LIVE, AND DO WHATEVER, AND FEEL GOOD, and I cannot even function unless I do these painfully long ass fasts at least twice a year to kill the inflammation!!! And even then I can barely function!”

It was that kind of day. And then it was that kind of NIGHT, as I headed into a night that truly tested my will, my dedication to healing, my faith in the universe, and honestly tested my commitment to life. I really felt like I was dying. I went through every stage you could imagine that night as I hit the depths of the BIGGEST, deepest detox I have ever felt. The migraines turned into searing, blaring, full body seizing pain from head to toe, the sweat was pouring from my body like I have never seen, I was so woozy I couldn’t even see straight, light headed, dizzy, blacking out, nausea that turned into vomiting, the list goes on.

I will spare you the details beyond that, but I just wanted to explain what it is like to be in an INTENSE detox. I will never know what it’s like to detox from hardcore drugs, but I imagine it might feel like something similar. It gives me immense compassion for anyone in that position and oh my lord, if you can get through that I firmly believe you can get through ANYTHING.

That night, as you can imagine, I did not sleep. I was awake for a full 48 or so hours during that time. The night was brutal — and in the middle of the night I hit a point where I fell to my hands and knees and prayed to God. For the first time in this entire Lyme journey, I begged God to take the pain away. This whole time I have been strong, I have known there is a deeper purpose in all of this, I have been dedicated to riding out the pain, trying all the treatments, being patient through the process, knowing that healing is coming, being grateful for it all… but MY GOD in the middle of the night I HIT MY WALL!!!! It was a wall that my body burst through and I was never going back, and I begged and sobbed and pleaded with God, the Universe, my soul, the all knowing power above, to take. this. pain. away. from. me. forever.

I sobbed and sobbed. I hysterically told God I cannot do it anymore. I said, “Make no mistake, I want to live, I want to live this life I do, but I cannot live it this way any more. It is not natural to live with this much pain for this long, for my body to be in such trauma, to be trapped in this way that I am. I cannot cannot cannot CANNOT do it any more and I will do whatever you need me to do, I will do anything, absolutely anything, to heal. It’s time, I cannot go on like this, please tell me what you need from me and I will be your humble servant.”

You can imagine, I went on. This was an all night long conversation. And you guys, God answered me. I felt a deep wave of healing come over me the moment I fully surrendered. I still felt the pain, it was still majorly there, but there was also a wave of calm. God spoke back to me — it was clear what I needed to do in order to get out of this deep inconsolable place. I was basically given a plan, and it was not all that different from what I had known in my heart I needed to do all along, but it was so clear, so REAL, so tangible, I felt so much better and so much more at peace after having received that information.

I was going to share what the info that came through was, but to be honest with you my computer crashed as well as the server to my blog right after I typed that portion of the post!!! Maybe it’s a nudge from above that I should keep that info to myself for now? Regardless, I share some of it in the podcast episode released today all about the water fast. The main gist of it is stuff I needed to LET GO OF, like majorly let go of and leave in the past. And God was very clear about me spending way less time on technology, leaving a lot more time open to channel, meditate, and be in tune with all things related to my spirituality.

And so much more, but I will save it for the podcast ep and you guys can listen there if you want to know more about what God shared with me that night, that clearly the universe wants me to keep to myself for now.  

I spent the next day journaling the day away. I still had not slept, and that morning I decided to go on JUICE because naturally, I needed to slow down the detox. That was the most CLEAR thing in the entire world. When you are water fasting, you can slow down the detox in a variety of ways. For me, slowing it down with juice for a few days made a ton of sense. I had done that in my previous fasts as well, but usually made it a few more days into it before the detox got as intense as it had.

The doctor checked my vitals that morning as he did daily during the fast, and my heart rate was a little high indicating a deep detox but nothing worrisome. The juice helped a ton.

It took the juice about a full day to really start taking the major detox symptoms away, but when it finally kicked in I was SO GRATEFUL !! IT TASTED LIKE NECTAR FROM THE GODS !!

Days Four, Five, Six & Seven //

From here, everything kind of turns into a blur. The juice on day four continued to help me a ton. It was mostly a mix of watermelon & celery, carrot & cucumber, celery & apple, and celery/apple/cucumber combos. Sometimes with beet too. And holy moly did my body respond well to that.

The important thing when fasting is that the body is in ketosis. At the fasting center, they test your urine weekly to make sure you are in ketosis. Interestingly, I remained in ketosis on juice after the first few days of water, which was great because that meant my cells were still regenerating and I was still experiencing autophagy, which is the die off of the dead, sick, toxic cells.

Which means that yes… I was continuing to feel the detox symptoms. But with juice, they were way more manageable.

Was I hungry? YES!!! I found a lot of solace and inspiration by watching vegan YouTube videos, losing myself in healing books like all of Louise Hay’s beautiful books, Jessica Simpson’s memoir (SO FLIPPING GOOD!!!), Glennon Doyle’s new book, and more. Soon I will do a book roundup for us all, but that is another post! I also watched a TON of TV… from my usual VPR to Real Housewives to The Morning Show to Tiger King (yep, I did it. Yep, it was trashy as hell but also so addicting… stranger than fiction!) and again, LOTS of YouTube.

Hence why I received the major inspiration and download to GET BACK INTO YOUTUBE, create a couple’s vegan cooking show (first ep here!!!), and will be creating lots and lots of content for you guys there soon. It excites me SO much!! The YouTubers I watched during my fast truly gave me life, made me feel like I was with BFFs with them from afar, and just inspired me a lot… it’s amazing how you can really feel like you’re getting to know someone via video. The Internet is a cool place.

CLEARLY I had a lot of downtime!!

Days five, six, and seven were water days.

Some of these days were brutal, with leg pain, liver / kidney pain, and an overall sense of major, deep, detox. The strength I found to continue on were the mantras I repeated to myself throughout the entire experience, which were:

+ Healing for my boys

+ One day at a time

+ Mind over matter

+ I am stronger than I know

+ This too shall pass

You guys, I cannot even tell you what a difference these mantras made in my mental health, strength, and overall healing during this time. I reached so many points throughout the fast where repeating those mantras to myself one by one were the sole reason I was able to continue getting through it.

They helped me remember my WHY… which was of course to HEAL. Heal for me, heal for my boys, heal my body for my future family (babies!!!!), be the wife and cat mama and daughter and friend that everyone in my life deserves, and leave this Lyme in the past to become a NEW person, a HEALED person, to continue on and revamp, cleanse, renew.

I also knew I had already been through the hell of it in the beginning and was not about to “reverse” that intensely hard work if you will by stopping early. I had a a few goals in my mind at that time… anywhere between 10 – 23ish days, but I knew my body would tell me when it was done so basically my trying to control the situation was useless! So I tried not to!

Days Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven & Twelve //

From here, let’s just say shit got real. WELL actually it was real the whole time, but it then got even REALER.

Days eight and nine were tough, but I knew I had come that far and I was not about to get too caught up in my head about how many days I had left to go. I was too tired at this point to really get on the phone or FaceTime with anyone, as much as it helped to pass the time. What really helped me the most during these days was getting myself outside to sit on the deck in the backyard, closing my eyes in the sun and just letting nature do its healing job.

I cannot even TELL you guys how much I spoke to the birds, the trees, the earth, the sky, the clouds, the wind, & the sun during this time. I know it probably sounds wild, but when you are fasting all of your senses are heightened to the millionth degree. I swear when the birds were chirping, they were talking to me — playing with each other and reminding me how beautiful life is!

Also, my SPIRITUAL SENSES were incredibly heightened during this time. At night, I was getting extremely powerful messages from beyond — from people who have passed, like my mom’s best friend Kathleen, and my grandparents, and a dear friend’s mother.

I felt like the clearest, purest, cleanest channel and that was the best feeling in the world.

Drinking my juice in the sun on one of my days on juice near the end. It felt so glorious to be alive, awake, in nature, with all of my senses heightened and sipping on such a nourishing, healing juice. Nectar from the Gods, as I started calling it!!

Then Day Ten things started feeling really, really rough. That day Jonathan visited, we did a lot of reading and relaxing on the back deck and in bed, and I remember repeating my mantras to myself 24/7. If I wasn’t reminding myself of my “WHY” every moment of every day I wanted to throw in the towel. My body felt weak and exhausted, and my nervous system felt flared like it just needed to be dooooone.

But I got over that hump and felt reaffirmed in the decision to continue pretty much every other moment — fasting is a mind game that way, because your feelings and detox symptoms can change so drastically within a matter of minutes. Ultimately at the end of Day Ten I felt really proud of myself and in it for the long haul to continue!

Eleven and twelve were similar — lots of rest, lots of exhaustion, a bit of aches and body pains… but here is where the miraculous healing comes in…

I realized around this time that my jaw pain that usually throbs 24 hours a day was… GONE!!!! Not just better, but GONE entirely!!! Same with the raging sinus pain I had been feeling since January. And I noticed that the joints in and behind my knees were buzzing wildly, feeling like there was deep healing happening there with Lyme dying off in those joints.

I also noticed the buzzing sensation of Lyme dying off in my hands, legs, forearms, and head/neck. Those areas are usually where I experience an immense amount of pain, so it made sense to me that those areas would be flaring and having die off symptoms. But around this time I noticed the flares were far less intense than they were in the beginning, and were starting to feel much more manageable. I was on the home stretch, and I knew it!!

Days Thirteen, Fourteen, & Fifteen //

Now, here we are at the home stretch!!!! I can literally FEEEEEL the excitement in my body and my bones even thinking back on it — ahhhh!! One day, most likely in a BOOK (yes, healing memoir, it’s coming!!) I will share my journal entries with you from this time. I was so motivated, so inspired, in such a deep state of healing at this point, almost entirely disembodied but in a very powerful, deep healing kind of way.

I was so READY at this point and so excited to get home to my boys, and I knew I was nearing the end of this fast. My body was in such a state of ease by the time I reintroduced juice on Day Fourteen that I knew I could easily continue on juice for quite a bit longer. But the other part of me was ready to bring back food (beginning with raw fruits) so that I could get home to them.

The mental aspect of fasting is for sure the hardest — being away from those you love, knowing that they are missing and needing you, and missing and needing them too! While I was away, Jonathan’s beloved family dog Brooklyn passed away and I knew he needed me more than ever. There is a lot of “wife guilt” and “cat mom guilt” and overall “human guilt” for being away, and I know I had nothing but the UTMOST support from him and everyone in my life for being gone but… I really missed home, and simultaneously my body was telling me it was pretty much done!

I didn’t feel comfortable being gone for any extra days, so I decided to call it around day thirteen, and plan to have juice for the following two days and then head into my re-feeding on food! A huge question I get all of the time is how do you know when your body is done fasting, vs. just having a really bad “herx”/detox reaction that you should push through to get over the next big hump to healing? And my answer to that, is that our bodies always know. When we are fasting, our intuition is heightened and then we REALLY know. Yes there were many days during my fast when I wanted to give up and I didn’t, because that little voice in my head told me I had made it THIS FAR and I was in it to win it, in it to heal, in it to KILL the Lyme for good and not to come out of it unchanged. So I believe deep in your heart you know when it’s just a hard hump to get over, vs. when you are truly DONE.

I also think that’s a huge benefit of having a doctor with you who is trained in fasting whenever you do a long fast. They can help you decide based off of your vitals, electrolytes, weight loss, symptoms, blood pressure, blood work, and overall experience whether your body is reaching its breaking point or whether it’s worth it to keep going for the long term healing.

I never said fasting was easy, you guys!!!!!! It’s one of the hardest things a human could ever do!!! But if you embark on a fast on your own (medically guided if it’s anything beyond a day or two, please!), please know that ANY amount of time is something you should be proud of. One day is something to be immensely proud of. I get messages from people a lot saying that they feel like they’ve “failed” because they attempted a 5 or so day water fast and then weren’t able to continue. THAT IS OKAY! Your body knows what it’s doing, and you will know when you are ready. Maybe it’s not your time yet, and maybe also it’s not your method of healing.

I firmly believe we all have our keys to miracle healing. For some friends of mine that has been bee venom therapy, for some its been herbs, for some its been stem cells, for some its been hardcore antibiotics and medications, and for others its purely been diet. I have heard it all, and I am not even beginning to scratch the surface here! For ME, water fasting is what will carry me home to pure, 100% healing. I absolutely feel this in my bones and know this in my heart to be true.

So… I did my final days of juice, and then on Days 14 & 15 I slowly introduced raw food!!!!! Then I promised to diligently continue to re-feed at home, meaning I would go very slow with reintroducing foods like legumes, grains, nuts, and seeds.

And yes, MY FIRST BITES OF FRUIT WERE PURE HEAVEN ON EARTH !!! But like I said, I could have gone on with the juicing because my body was so happy on juice but I wanted to get home and be with my boys!

And nowwww, what we are all here for, let’s talk about the VAST & AMAZING BENEFITS I RECEIVED!!!!

Look at that HAPPY FACE! Glowing from the inside out, and SO. HAPPPYYYY !!!!! TO BE FINISHING UP MY FAST & EXPERIENCING THE DEEP HEALING BENEFITS!

The greatest benefits I experienced from my 15 days away fasting were… major improvement with my joint pain, DIMINISHMENT of my jaw & sinus pain (that was previously like a 15/10 on the pain scale for a full year), a major lift in my brain fog, MAJORLY reduced inflammation that previously plagued me, my skin cleared up about 50% (still has a way to go), my stomach FEELS AMAZING and as we know with my food sensitivities that is no small fete, I’ve experienced a huuuuge increase in energy, and overall a major sense of HOPE that it is in my hands to kill Lyme and regain my full & utter health and vibrancy.

A few of the HUGE INSPIRATIONS and downloads that came through were… to start using YouTube more regularly, to sign up for a plant based nutrition program (which I did! YAY!), to share way more SOS-free recipes with you guys and share the truly magical benefits of plant-based healing in a big way, and to embark even deeper on the spiritual path by working closely with my mentors to be a LIGHT & a channel and a guide… in a deeper way than ever before.

As far as weight, because I know that is a big question from people out there, which I HESITATE to even mention because this fast has / had nothing to do with weight but I like to answer your pressing questions — I lost about a pound a day so as you can imagine, I have been healthily and steadily gaining some of the weight back since then in order for my body to be at its ideal weight for my size. I did not have much weight to lose going into the fast, but due to Lyme I tend to retain excess water weight and inflammation – so that was the first to go.

After the first few days of fasting and losing that water retention I felt amazing, like I was returning to my true body size and nothing in the world feels better than letting that inflammation GO, and looking in the mirror and finally recognizing myself again.

How I’m continuing to heal at home //

So many of you who follow me closely on IG have commented saying that I am looking amazing, glowing with health, radiating from the inside out, and for that I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s true that our outsides radiate how we feel on the inside, and you guys have seen me through some TOUGH SHIT. I am still working through it, and processing, and committed to the depths of my healing, but right now I feel like I have come about 65-70% of the way… and I am SO COMMITTED to going the full, full mile and killing every ounce of Lyme in my body.

Now that I have been home, I have been feeling really good. Like I said above, I have healed a huge huge amount but I have a bit of a way to go — that final stretch to really reach my complete, full, total healed self. I always find my SKIN to be a huge indicator of my healing, and soon I will share a big collage of before & afters I took all throughout my fast! When I arrived, my skin was a complete mess. Just a full on wreck. It healed about 50% while I was there, which is a big indicator to me that I have about another 50% to go… and I will do it.

So now, I am fasting at home one or two days per week and sticking rigidly as always to my healing, plant based SOS-free diet (you can learn more about that here!) and feeling amazing! The first one day fast I did at home was extremely brutal… almost harder than my long fast to be honest, because the beginning can just be so hard!

And I have been toying around with when I will do a longer one again, and I am really feeling in my heart and soul that during this time of quarantine is the time to do it, and also pairing it so closely with my last fast so that I can stack them on top of each other for those double benefits. With the life cycle of the Lyme disease spirochete being 21-30 days, I feel REALLY REALLY good and excited about doing another 14ish days soon for a full 28 days near to one another. I know it’s not 28 consecutive days, but for my body and my particular circumstance it feels right.

I will keep you guys super updated on my continued healing, and will very much document my next long fast. I am so ready for it and so inspired to just keep killing the Lyme. I really feel like fasting is one of the hardest, most excruciating things we as humans can do because it goes against our nature to NOT EAT, especially for extended periods of time, but shocking our systems into healing and then giving our bodies the gift of doing nothing but healing — turning our bodies into a place where disease cannot thrive — that is the way to go.

When Jonathan picked me up to finally head home… one of the best, most exciting and proud days of my life, and especially of my healing journey.

True, utter, HEALING is happening! And vibrancy! And health!! YAY !! I really want to be a beacon of light and hope to those who are suffering, to show you that it IS possible to heal, more than possible, and chronic illness is only “incurable” if you believe that it is. If you BELIEVE that you can heal, YOU WILL!

I wanted to release this post in tandem with today’s SOLO EPISODE on the podcast, all about the fast where you will hear me talk about it aloud! I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

You can read about my previous long fast here, and the one before it here.

As always, please reserve any and all judgments and take them elsewhere. They are not welcome here and if you have never walked in my shoes, or the shoes of anyone with chronic debilitating illness, then you simply have no idea the pain and suffering that comes with our lives on the DAILY, so a two week water fast is beyond worth it to us compared to what we suffer from every day!

Oh also, I will be releasing a YouTube video about my experience because I vlogged the whole thing while I was there! I just need to edit it, so stay tuned for that!!

Sending you ALL love & light. Also want to give a shoutout to my sweet new friend Sarah, who really inspired me during this fast to stick with it. She put herself into remission from doing a 23 day fast and she was my inspiration this time around!! She has GREAT scientific facts on her blog about fasting and the lifespan of Lyme, all of the bacteria that fasting can kill, and she is an all around badass! Check her out!

Love you guys and grateful for you. Would love any and all thoughts below, and I am here to support you!! So grateful to have this space to share, to connect, to heal! XOXO

I am taking lots of downtime from social media, regular work, and all distractions right now which has been a huge blessing and very needed in this stage of my healing journey. If you are able to during this time, I highly recommend taking more time for yourself — even if that doesn’t mean taking time off of work but perhaps spending the weekends sans social media to cleanse from the noise surrounding what’s going on in the world right now. Whatever you can do for you, do it!

So my fast so far… wow you guys. I will of course do a big update post when I finish, but for now what I can say is that if I had to choose one word to describe these 8 days thus far it would be TRANSFORMATIVE. I already feel utterly transformed. It feels very different than my previous water fasts, in that it has been more of a spiritual detox as well as a detox for my body. So, so much internal stuff has come up for me. I have met my shadow, gone through intense healing crises, and endured more pain than I even thought possible.

I have also been surprised and impressed that after my first big healing crisis on Day 2 (which I posted about on Instagram here), where I was vomiting, nauseous, lightheaded, had chills, aches and pains, throbbing migraines, the whole works, it has been shockingly smooth. *Knock on wood*!! I have definitely had discomfort but overall I feel the Lyme being killed in my body, and that is what I came here for.

I want to reiterate: I am doing this fast for healing. There is immense research on water fasting healing and eradicating Lyme disease, and co-infections of Lyme like Babesia, Bartonella, mold, heavy metals, and more. It is not for the faint of heart. Every night on the phone I tell Jonathan, “I literally don’t think 99% of people could do this,” and I mean that in the way that you have had to hit a SERIOUS rock bottom with your health, and have lived in chronic pain for a long long time, in order to gather the strength to carry out something as intense as a water fast.

I will share a lot more about my experience in the coming days and week, but for now wanted to leave you guys with that little update. I am not sure how long I will be here because I am listening to my body every step of the way, so we shall certainly see. I am grateful for this downtime as well, which has been healing and nourishing on a soul level.

Now, it’s time for some girl talk.

What are we going to talk about, you ask? We are going to talk about periods, and specifically period protection that is safe, free of as many chemicals and toxins as possible, and sustainable.

I can’t actually believe when I look back on my adolescence and early 20’s that I wore regular old chemical-laden tampons during every period. It actually makes me shudder, even though I know I didn’t know any differently… nor did anyone around me at the time! We did what we were taught, and we did the best we could. But holy F, knowing that you’re putting something inside of you, in one of the most sensitive and absorbent areas in your entire body (our vaginas), that could possibly give you Toxic Shock Syndrome the way they warn you about in school?!

LIKE HOW!!!! WAS I! OKAY! WITH THAT!

I vividly remember being on a field trip to Boston in 8th grade and having one of the girls in my class have a full on (justified) meltdown in the middle of the night because she was convinced she had TSS from her tampon. She was feeling sick and off, and what we had been taught in school the year prior was that it can kill you within days. We were terrified! And she was hysterical. Our teachers rushed to her room and luckily it was just her mind freaking herself out (we’ve all been there) and she ended up being totally fine.

But even back then, in 8th grade at the age of 14 (!!!) I knew something was OFF about tampons. I knew it was just not right to be putting something in our bodies that could hurt us in those ways.

Fast forward to now, after being diagnosed with Lyme and having several autoimmune issues as a result, I have become very educated on period protection ALTERNATIVES that are not dangerous or harmful to our bodies. If only this info had been so available when we were 14!

I learned that toxic ingredients found in tampons today include aluminum, alcohols, fragrance additives and hydrocarbons that mess with our hormone regulation and can even cause serious disease over time. Worst of all, tampon bleaching processes leave behind dioxin. Dioxin is a toxic chemical (chlorine-compound) linked to cancer and perhaps now to endometriosis, and is said by most manufacturers not to appear in bleached tampons at “detectable” levels. (As seen in this Goop article.)

That’s where Thinx comes in — I know you’ve heard of it! They are the best of the best, in my opinion. And they are a period underwear so they are also sustainable, cost effective, and safe for our bodies. In Thinx’s words, “We know the vagina is one of the most sensitive and absorbent areas of the body, which is why making period products that are free of harmful toxic chemicals is integral to our mission. It’s also why rigorous chemical testing and compliance certifications are part of our manufacturing process.”

I mean… this is what we all need! All of their underwear are rigorously tested for harmful chemicals, they are REACH compliant, and independently certified by OEKO-TEX Standard 100 (the type of fabric they use). And did you guys know that the US is not nearly as strict as the EU when it comes to harmful chemical regulations? While the US has banned 11 chemicals from cosmetics, REACH has banned 1,328! By complying with REACH, Thinx makes me feel very safe and comfy with the measures they have taken.

Not to mention, they are super transparent! They share all of their lab results as well as their certifications on this website so that those of us who are SUPER DUPER careful before buying any period products can feel armed with knowledge and make an informed decision. As always to be The Balanced Blonde approved, they are certified ORGANIC and use 100% organic cotton in their underwear.

And then let’s talk about how they actually work. I have fluctuated between using period cups, organic tampons, period underwear, etc. and I can definitely say that Thinx has had the LEAST leakage because their technology really works.

I am a huge fan of Thinx, and I wanted to share the love with you guys! It is so important to make informed decisions about our health, especially as women because our bodies go through so much. It is wild to me that there are so many products out there that are deemed as “safe” by our faulty US regulations when really… they are not! Just like food, which is a whole different story and something you guys know I am ridiculously passionate about as well.

Lastly, Thinx is currently working on a safer chemicals management program that will be released soon and I can’t wait to see where they go with that. They are a leader in the period category for a reason, guys!!! Check them out, I know you will love them as much as I do — and your body will thank you!

Now I am off to chill out, drink more water, rest, and give my body the downtime it so, so needs and deserves. Will you guys try Thinx? How is everyone doing during this time in the world? Check out my latest episode of Soul on Fire to learn more about my thoughts on what is going on + how we can all stay calm, meditate, and use this time for the greater good!

I wanted to pop in for a quick UPDATE post on all the things — life, Lyme, eczema. These are questions I get asked pretty frequently and I haven’t spoken about some of this in a while.

Eczema Update //

Let’s start with eczema, because I know there are so many chronic sufferers out there. When I first started dealing with debilitating, full body hives and eczema (which you can read more about here), I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Lyme, mold, EBV, co-infections, parasites, and more that I finally had answers for this chronic and extremely uncomfortable inflammatory skin condition.

But long before I even got diagnosed with any of those things I discovered the term “chronic urticaria” — a.k.a chronic hives / eczema — and I was SO RELIEVED to know that there was a name for what I was experiencing and that I wasn’t the only one out there experiencing it. It’s a scary position to be in. The pain was ferocious and I literally did not sleep for 9 months straight because the itching was SO. DAMN. BAD.

When I saw dermatologists they told me it was eczema and prescribed a steroid cream — one that I wasn’t comfortable using longterm because I know the dangers of the longterm effects. Functional medicine doctors said it was candida. Therapists said it was anxiety. It wasn’t until I finally met my incredible Lyme doctor that I was able to get to the root of the actual issue. Getting to the root is ALWAYS KEY, so if you’re in this boat, keep that in mind. And with beginning to treat Lyme, I slowly but surely started to heal.

Now I can say that after two and a half years of trying EVERYTHING under the sun, giving it time, treating Lyme, finding the plant-based & SOS-free diet (and celery juice!), and finding the ONE PRODUCT that finally alleviated some of the pain for me, I am in a much better place. I still get flares here and there, because Lyme life is a THINNNGG, but the flares are fewer and further between and don’t get as bad because I have my toolbox of go-to’s to use for when it does.

So insert the product I am a huge fan of for eczema: Gladskin Eczema Cream. It focuses on a healthy balance of bacteria in the skin (yes, the microbiome, which of course we have everywhere in our bodies including our precious skin) and restores the balance so that the skin can heal. It is steroid free which is extremely important to me, as well as clinically tested, cleanly formulated, and highly moisturizing and soothing.

It has no fragrances, no steroids, no alcohol, no parabens, no preservatives, and no sulfates. AKA… it is TBB approved and a total dream for us eczema sufferers. To make it further TBB approved, they do NOT test on animals & it is also hypoallergenic.

I started using Gladskin about 3 months ago because the main areas I still get big patches of eczema are under my arms (right back where it all began… see the pics in this post), on my forearms, and along my stomach. My eczema is also impacted by the weather, travel, and flares up when my immune system is down. All in all, I need to keep my go-to’s on hand or the flares can get debilitating.

What I particularly love about the product is that it goes on really easy and smooth, it doesn’t feel super thick or greasy like other eczema creams tend to, and in my experience has worked really quickly (basically overnight… but I do continue to apply for about a week or so). I use it whenever I get a flare, and have been really amazed with the results it has given me — especially in my problem areas like under my arms. See the before & after below for what I’m talkin’ about!

& check them out here!

Like I said, my other go-to’s are diet (SOS-free & vegan), living an anti-inflammatory lifestyle, and treating Lyme/EBV & co-infections with herbs, stem cells, sauna, and more.

The Lyme healing journey has been a real one. Which brings me to my next point… LYME UPDATE. I am going to do a much bigger post on this soon but for now wanted to at least share with you guys how I have been feeling lately.

Lyme Update //

If for the last two years I was basically feeling like a 2 out of 10 (with 10 being the healthiest / most energized), now most days I feel more like a 6.5. I am so eager to be feeling like a TEN, but I know that the improvements I have seen so far are something I am still very grateful for. Sometimes my body gets run down and I start feeling more like a 2 or 3 again and I get so ridiculously grateful for that 6.5 energy I now feel.

Some days, I will say, are even better than that. My current most debilitating Lyme symptoms are severe jaw pain, pretty intense fatigue, stomach issues, bloating, gut problems overall, and insomnia. I know I am going through another detox period right now for many reasons (acne flare, exhaustion flare, all around flare-flare), and will share more about that soon. I am also going through a major flare so have cancelled/postponed a lot of my work schedule for the time being and will be doing another DEEP HEALING later this month — which I will also write a whole post on ASAP.

As far as Lyme treatment, at the moment I am keeping things simple and focusing on just a few key treatments- stem cells, Lyme killing herbs, colonics, infrared sauna, occasional fasting. and an anti-inflammatory diet. I mean REALLY simple compared to all of the things I have been doing in the past. I will get deeper into stems soon because I know people are curious about what that entails, but for the record I have been doing them pretty much monthly for the last year and they have made a HUGE impact on my healing.

The fact that I am able to work again, use my brain again, and start being out and about in the world more often is a great sign. For a while this was totally not an option for me, and something really shocking that I found the other night when shamelessly going through my old Snapchat videos from 2016 (to find the ones of when J and I first got together!) was that in September 2016 I wrote: “I think I have chronic fatigue, what can I do?! Help!” That was nearly four years ago. And it makes me so sad that my body has been going through this for so long.

All in all, I am on the up and up. Oh also, NATURE HAS BEEN THE MOST HEALING THING FOR ME. This week in particular has not been easy, but time outside has been my saving grace.

Life Updates //

And then for the life update, because it’s always fun to give a good life update… LIFE IS GOOD. Other than the fact that I am still healing and trying to take things super easy, I am really loving life lately and the lifestyle I have built for myself. I have slowed down and learned from this Lyme journey in so many ways — I know what’s important, what matters, who has stuck by my side, who to give my energy to, what lights me up the most, and who I am in my heart.

I am spending so much more downtime with my husband, our families, our friends, Huddy. Going to the farmer’s market every Sunday, cooking at home (SOS-free life, baby!). staying on top of my detox regimen, doing a lot more hot yoga and walks outside again, spending time in nature. Podcasting again has been such a treat after four months off. After scaling way back and truly STOPPING work entirely last year, it has been the biggest blessing to be able to dive back in this year.

The creative inspiration has also been flowing for the first time in so long, which is the greatest feeling because the brain fog from Lyme was truly debilitating before it started to lift a few months ago. There are a lot of fun projects in the works, which I will get into very soon. But for now I hope this post armed you with some good eczema knowledge + updates on what may help of you’re suffering too!

Thank you to my husband for being the most amazing and sweetest human there is. <3

Lots more updates to come, but for now we will put a put in it. How is everyone else doing?! Make sure to check out Gladskin if you suffer from eczema or itchy skin issues — they are the BEST and have made a huge impact in my eczema healing. Also thank you to Gladskin for sponsoring this post so that I can share the magic with you all!

It was one of the best trips we’ve ever had actually because we were just so grateful to be together in a place that is so special to us. Despite some unfortunate Lyme symptoms I was experiencing most of the weekend, the trip was still one of my favorites for so many reasons. It’s been a big few months for us both with work, and it was so good to just put our relationship back in the front seat and realize/remember love is all that matters.

If you ever find yourself in Ojai, definitely go to the Hip Vegan for salads and the best veggie burger you’ll ever have (even my dad says it’s better than In n’ Out – BIG DEAL), Food Harmonics for more delicious healthy food, The Farmer & The Cook, and Sage for a delicious dinner in their pretty courtyard. And obviously we are in love with the Ojai Valley Inn so if you can stay there or at least pop by the property for dinner one night or to check out the spa, you’ll be living in a dream.

Sooo beyond that, the topic of this post is about something quite personal to me that I believe a lot of us deal with, which is finding a balanced relationship with food. As I have mentioned before, finding the SOS-free (salt oil sugar free) and plant based way of life has given me true food freedom because it is a way of eating that makes me feel amazing, good and energized rather than hurting my stomach or body in any way – which is the only diet/lifestyle I can speak of that has made me feel that way EVER.

And before you feel any kind of way about this SOS-free plant based life, keep a few things in mind: I was born with severe stomach problems. I never once felt comfortable in my body after eating until I found the plant based way of life when I was a teenager. Then, after being diagnosed with Lyme/mold/co-infections in 2018 and being covered in head to toe hives, this diet saved me. Most days it gives me the ability to get out of bed and have my joints/stomach not be in searing pain — for me and people like me (which is so many!) it is a GODSEND.

It also gives me energy, which is so welcome after so many years in bed dealing with horrific Lyme symptoms. So, as always, no judgment. I don’t judge anyone for the way they eat and I expect the same in return.

When I am home in LA in my routine, everything feels great. I go to the farmer’s market every Sunday and stock up on so many things I love, make yummy meals, juices, smoothies, soups, and desserts all week, head to restaurants with friends where I have found the perfect things to order that don’t mess with how I feel, etc.

Impromptu Impulse Eating //

But occasionally, either when my stress/anxiety rears up or when I am traveling for long periods of time and away from my routine, I do something that Jonathan (my husband) has named “Impromptu Impulse Eating” a.k.a “I.I.E.” It’s a THING, you guys. And I am willing to bet I am not the only one who does it! Especially among those of us who are healing from chronic illness and have found a way of life that works for us that is not always the easiest to maintain while traveling/being out.

So here’s how I.I.E. goes down… we will be out at a restaurant and Jonathan will order a delicious veggie burger that probably isn’t gluten-free, soy-free, etc. and definitely has lots of salt and oil. And I will be eating my yummy, healing meal whatever it may be that works for my body, and something will come over me where I tell myself, “I feel great, I’m not sick anymore, and I want to be able to eat what he’s eating.” And of course being a sweet husband and not wanting to piss off his wife (did I mention I hate being told what to do?), he’s not going to say NO…

And I don’t mean that I want to order what he’s ordered, I just mean I want a few bites. And a few bites is fine!! But those few bites then turn into a few more bites of something else that doesn’t agree with me, and then dessert of course and then the same thing again the next day because what the heck. This usually continues, and then each meal or day builds upon each other and next thing I know a week has passed and I feel like complete shit because I am not doing what I know feels good.

And each and every time I do it, it’s just a bite or two. Very impulsive. And impromptu. He nicknamed it that because it’s not thought out. It’s not like I have thought out a whole rational plan of ordering the veggie burger because I really want it and it’s worth it to me however it may make me feel — it’s more like I am testing the universe and my body, like “what can I get away with today?” mostly just because I am rebellious and am feeling impulsive.

I wrote about this in my recent ebook, but this is what I call self-sabotage. In A Course in Miracles, it is said that we self-sabotage because we are absolutely terrified of our own greatness. I get this on a deep level. I think that feeling good, and especially feeling really good absolutely scares the shit out of me, because I am so used to feeling terrible. Even before my health broke down in late 2017, I had been experiencing lifelong stomach issues and strange body sensitivities. I had never known what it was like to just straight up feel good.

And by the way, I.I.E. can also happen at home! Jonathan makes these delicious No Evil sausages with Siete tortillas and vegan cheese (the recipe is actually in my ebook, for a fun non-SOS-free option) and again, something will come over me where I’m like F my health, who cares, I should be able to do whatever I want.

Sound familiar???

I am a rebel. I was born this way! It’s hard for me to do what I feel I’m “supposed” to do, which is why 99% of the time I CHOOSE to eat this way because it’s a joy for me. It’s a joy to feel good and I truly love the food. But of course there is that other 1% that just… wants to be like everybody else? Wishes I wasn’t sick? Wishes I could just throw caution to the wind and do whatever the hell I wanted with food and with everything else?

But then I come back to — this is my body. I do not need to compare myself to everyone else. I do not need to feel bad for myself, because the illness and the struggles that I have faced are part of my journey to get me where I need to go, on my soul’s eternal path.

Ojai lovin’!

I promised Jonathan I would write about I.I.E. today for a few reasons. One, because I know I am not the only one who experiences it and I hope this story will help people. But two, to get to the bottom of why I do it. And now that I am writing about it (I have always thought best through writing), I see — I am scared of feeling good. Feeling good comes with an immense amount of power. When I feel good, I am able to create, use my brain, work, make plans, travel, exercise, LIVE LIFE.

It sounds amazing in theory. But it is a little scary when you haven’t had the ability to do all of those things in so long. And if you’re like me, the power to do all of those things is overwhelming. I get SO EXCITED about creating and doing things so I do, do, do, create, create, create, live, live, live to the max until I wipe myself out. And also I.I.E. definitely comes from that rebellion I have deep inside, that younger Jordan who still wants to say, “Screw it, I’ll do what I WANT.”

But what I really want is to feel good. What I really want is to be kind to my body. I don’t want to punish my poor body and make myself feel even worse than I already do. If you’re reading this and you’re not sure of what Lyme disease and co-infections feel like… I will explain. Right now, my whole body is in searing pain from head to toe. Noteworthy places that are screaming in pain are my jaw (it is perpetually on fire), my lower back, my hands, and my shoulders/neck. I am laying down by the way so it’s not like I am sitting at a desk. My brain is foggy and I am fighting off a severe headache right now that I have had for about 24 hours. My eyes feel fuzzy and even though I haven’t had caffeine in days my heart is racing as if I had just chugged a large cold brew.

Of all things that feel fine right now, my stomach feels great. And it’s because I woke up and had a large glass of warm lemon water, followed by a celery juice, followed by some papaya and banana sliced up. Yesterday I was so kind to myself and made the SOS-free meals my body loves, and have also started a Medical Medium liver cleanse (similar to how I already eat) that I have been intuitively called to.

Some days I feel far better than this, some days I feel far worse. Lyme is kind of a crap shoot. I don’t have a lot of control over how I feel. But the way I eat, and the power of the mind, yoga and being kind to my body, resting and not comparing myself to others — these are all huge factors in my healing. Huge. They may not be a miracle pill but they’re a huge piece of the puzzle.

Committing to Feeling Good //

My ultimate goal is to feel good every day. I am done with the self-sabotage. And if you’ve read my ebook or other pieces I have written lately, then you know — I no longer identify with having had an eating disorder when I was younger. I don’t believe that ever suited me. I was struggling with Lyme, co-infections, and extreme body pain and food sensitivity that I was simply trying to manage with food. What I didn’t know at that time was that I had a few things wrong (but who didn’t at 22?), and I have learned so much since then… but I am so glad to have so much more support now. From my Lyme doctor, so many other Lyme warriors, my family, my husband, myself — so much has changed.

So yes, I.I.E. is a struggle. I think it comes from a lifelong sensitive stomach – where in many situations I would be reminded by people (my dad especially – love you daddy) not to eat the greasy food that was going to make me feel sick. But back then I didn’t have the tools and I didn’t get it. I just wanted to be like everyone else. So I would do it just to show people/myself that I refused to be put in a box. It also comes from being rebellious to what makes me feel good, and also from just being exhausted by the sheer magnitude of this disease. It’s okay to just be exhausted sometimes, and not make the best decisions, but that’s why the whole “impromptu” and “impulse” thing comes into it because it’s not thought out.

I am so committed to feeling better, and I can get on upward swings where I do feel better for months on end. So that is what I am working toward. And I hope that me sharing this intimate piece of my journey can help or inspire you in some way. I am an open book and I share just about everything with you guys, but it can be hard to share things about food and eating because there is SO MUCH judgment on the internet when it comes to these things. So please if you feel compelled to judge, remember that you have not walked in my shoes. Lyme is a battle I hope many will never have to face.

But honestly, it feels good to write about it. And get it out. It feels right. And I hope it will help some of you reading. If it does, please share below. We are all in this healing journey together. XO 

Which brings me to, *DRUM ROLL PLEEEASE*, this! I am so unbelievably thrilled to share with you that I am hosting a free live online workshop next week all about healing chronic inflammation with plant based foods! It is my deepest passion and brings me to tears every time I think about it — that is how deeply I care about sharing this message with the world.

A little bit of background here… or a reminder for those who have been here for a while. From mid 2017 to late 2018, I was covered in full body hives. I mean, head to toe covered. They were red, itchy, bloody, and angry. I slowly but surely lost my energy, zest for life, motivation for pretty much everything, and even my brain power.

I also couldn’t get out of bed — like, at all. After a few months I began to feel like a walking corpse. It was not good. I was dealing with a host of symptoms of inflammation like cystic acne, hellacious fatigue, life shattering insomnia, and developed a huge uterine fibroid that massively disrupted my life and my hormones. You can read about my hives & eczema battle here… it was gnarly.

Ultimately, after a very, very long journey (which we can talk about another day), I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease and mold illness. I was living in a moldy home!! It was terrifying. I was also diagnosed with parasites, gut dysbiosis, extreme hormone imbalances, endless nutritional deficiencies, and more. 

And for the last few years, I have tried everything under the sun to heal my body. I have developed a strong spiritual practice that has gotten me through, and throughout it all my intuition has guided me toward beautiful, nourishing holistic healing practices.

As a health coach and longtime lover of wellness, it was only natural for me to turn to diet and lifestyle. I spent months learning about the Salt-Oil-Sugar-Free (SOS-free) plant-based way of life, studying the Gerson Therapy, taking raw food cooking classes, water fasting for health, developing a strong meditation practice, and so much more.

Oh, and I opened up psychically! Which we can also talk about another day. As you can see, getting sick became my gateway to learning so many deep truths about myself, about wellness, about my purpose in this world. It flipped my life upside down in every single way. The toxic layers that were shed are… above and beyond this world, literally. I am no longer who I once was — not in any way, shape or form. And I will never go back.

Heavy Metal Detox Smoothie from my upcoming Healing Program & Plant Based Recipe Ebook! Launching on 2/01!

I am still healing, but I have come so far. My skin is clear, my brain power is back, I am back to my exercise routine and was able to marry the love of my life this past year and dance the night away at our wedding. My gratitude for the journey and for how far I have come brings me to my knees.

It would be impossible for me to explain to you just HOW passionate I am about healing chronic illness & chronic inflammation on a mind, body, soul level. Plants have become my allies, my healers. My clean way of eating now reflects the clean state of mind I approach every day with. My body is happy, my mind is sharp, and my energy and vibrancy is on point.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, I have been through the darkness so that I can spread the light and share the important message that healing is possible. We are in control of our own health. It is deeply empowering. We can truly heal from anything, that is my belief. We just have to be willing to do it, and armed with the right information to tackle it head on!

Please join me on 1/29 at 5pm PST for a FREE live workshop on healing chronic inflammation with plant based foods. It’s called Detox Your Life, because it is a lifestyle. We will get into detox protocols, food combining, the beauty of the SOS-free way of life (and what the heck it is), HOW to heal, how I healed, and more.

And then just a few short days later, I am launching an amazing healing program that details ALL of this and more… I have never been so excited.

Will you join me?! The link to join is here!

Also, you can read more about my SOS-free lifestyle here, and all about my first water fasting experience here. These are some of the things that have helped me heal from chronic inflammation, and I am thrilled to go deeper into this with all of you. The online workshop will be SO SPECIAL and I cannot wait to connect with you guys in this wayyyy!!

Leave me a comment below if you will be joining the workshop, and feel free to ask me any questions beforehand! It’s going to be epically fun to connect in this way.