Many of you know that I am in Bali, and that I came here on a solo trip to unwind from the pressures of daily life & embark on a healing journey for my body and soul.

That means I am 100% NOT WORKING, doing brand collabs, sponsored posts, writing articles for deadlines, any of that jazz and wowowoww I feel…. so good.

I realize it is a very massive luxury to be able to do this, and that is not lost on me. That is why I feel it in my bones so important to share this journey with you guys reading because it is very possible for you to manifest the same in your life. Years ago, I never could have done this. Walking away from steady freelance work would have felt like a sin!

This year when my health exploded I knew it was time, for the first time since starting my business five years ago and working myself to the bone 365 days a year ever since, time to do something for ME and try my best to let go of what that might mean for my business, my blog, and everything else.

And holy shit you guys, all I can say is… WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS SOONER?!

I have been here for about 11 days now and I will take you through the rough arc of my emotions and experiences since I’ve been here:

The Day I Left: VERY apprehensive, questioning my decision to go, devastated to leave J & Hudson, left my purse at Erewhon with my passport in it and realized it once I got to the airport, just barely made my flight (that had actually been cancelled by the airline the day before I was set to leave but that is a long-ass story in itself), covered from head to toe in raised bleeding itchy mountains of hives, slept like a baby thanks to Xanax for about 13 hours, seven hour layover in Sydney where my emotions started to turn around…

Arriving in Sydney: Once I got to Sydney for my long AF layover in which I planned to leave the airport and explore the city for a few hours, I learned that I could not because I didn’t have an Australian visa. Whoops. This whole situation ended up being a blessing in disguise because I staked out at the Sydney airport, guzzled juice and smoothies from an airport juice bar (#thankgodforitsexistence) like nobody’s business, and started to plan details of my trip I hadn’t even thought about before I left. Which is very me, by the way. Can’t plan something in full really until it’s HAPPENING!

At the Sydney airport, I… researched the sh*t out of Kambo, an ancient shamanic healing treatment in which frog venom is applied to little burns on your skin and leads you to purge everything from toxins to negative energy. I had heard amazing things about it, and I found a practitioner in Bali online, reached out to her (spoilers: she responded and I did the treatment over the weekend! That will have a full post in itself), and planned it. I also started bookmarking classes at all the local yoga studios and researching healers I wanted to see and reaching out to all of my friends who have been here to get their highest recs. VERY productive time at the airport that I am so grateful for!

Flight from Sydney to Bali: I will say, I am normally a glass-half-full person, but if I’m being real this flight was hellaciously miserable. I had already been traveling for over 25 hours, and my skin (as I mentioned) was broken out in the worst rash I have experienced in probably my entire life. I somehow had a window seat although I have a hard rule with myself where I will ONLY sit in the aisle so this mixup through me for a loop. I like to get up a ton of times throughout the flight to stretch, and feel free to drink as much water (i.e. have access to the bathroom) as much as I please. The flight felt about triple as long as it actually was, which was a little over six hours. And the books I impulse bought at the airport were not enthralling enough to distract me from my misery or from scratching my arms until they bled.

LONG. FLIGHT. EXPERIENCE. And I am fully aware as someone with misophonia who generally cannot stand people chewing next to me on flights, itching / scratching their skin, making noises with their mouth, etc. that I became the girl who was ripping her skin off in the seat next to a stranger. I have a very strong feeling he had a little misophonia himself because he was not too pleased with me, but I couldn’t help myself. Full blown hives outbreak rage was happening on my body and sitting pressed up against a window in a sweatsuit I’d been wearing for 30 hours in 3 countries just wasn’t cutting it for my sanity. You could say it gave me a little perspective.

Anyway, once I actually landed… I WAS ECSTATIC. I had a very kind driver named Molly (arranged by my friend Emily, also from Sactown, who lives here and is a godsend) waiting for me at the airport and he drove me from Denpasar to Ubud, which is about two hours. For someone who desperately needs to know how many minutes / hours a car ride (or anything transportation-related for that matter) will take… I was instantly reminded that accuracy goes out the window in Bali. LOL. For instance, if the driver tells you it will take an hour it could very easily end up taking two and a half. I should take a page out of their book on the patience front though, that is for sure. They are never in a rush and I really admire that.

Getting to my AirBnB: Similarly to the whole potential inaccuracy of minutes it will take to get somewhere, I have also learned about the potential (and highly likely) inaccuracy of AirBnB’s in real life vs. online here in Indonesia. I thought I had rented a beautiful villa for the month, in the center of town, with its own pool and the only person living there would be ME. But when I arrived I learned that my villa was part of a larger group of villas, and mine itself was very tiny. No kitchen. Not quite in the center of town. Not the safest vibe there. Did not speak to my soul hardly at all.

Still running on the anxious adrenaline of a 35 hour travel day I… hopped right on my computer and booked three other hotels to move to throughout the week before I found a fave to stay for good. I am still working on getting my $ back for the very-different-looking-from-its-photos AirBnB but that’s neither here nor there. I learned a great lesson nonetheless, which is… don’t book something for 21 nights in a row if you’ve never seen it or don’t have any direct recommendations from someone who you know and trust. (Jonathan tried to tell me this before I booked it but I hastily did it anyway because I thought it would be nice to have my own house — which it didn’t end up being — that I didn’t have to worry about moving from. I wanted to feel the experience of LIVING here vs. being in hotels.)

The moral of that story is that… I like luxury and when traveling alone it is very important to me to feel completely safe. There was no reason to fear moving around, being SPONTANEOUS, or spending more money on nice hotels and accommodations, because I worked daaaamn hard to get myself here and its not every day I get to live in the most magical city in the most healing of places in the world.

Day One – Five: Once I got here and settled in, the days started blending into each other in the BEST WAY. I moved to my new place on the first day and instantly felt more at home. My new hotel was on the same street that J & I stayed on the last time we were in Ubud, so I felt safer and more familiar instantaneously. I deleted Instagram from my phone, lost track of which day it was, felt a deep fire igniting within me to write poetry and express myself creatively in that way for the first time in so long, let go of my idea of what I “thought” I would be writing here that fit the mold of what I “should” be doing and just let it all flow. I read two books a day, started to feel more free than I ever have in my life, and my rashes also started to completely go away…

I have been getting at least one massage a day, as they are only about the equivalent of $10 here for AN HOUR AND A HALF… and that has been so healing for my body as mind as well.

Day Five – Seven: For a few days I stayed in the center of the Ubud rice fields and this experience absolutely changed me. To get my hotel I had to walk 20 minutes up a tiny dirt road path (or take a motor bike but let’s be real I am kind of scared shitless of those things and most people here don’t wear helmets or have them available for their passengers) and my views from every angle were fields and fields of rice paddies. I rented a FULL house that was for about a 10 person family (lol) because after my initial experience I did not want to end up anywhere short of the luxury and space I was looking for.

I realized I might have overdone it a tad when I got there and the staff was flabbergasted that I was a party of ONE for what they call “The Mansion,” but I think it happened for a divine reason and that reason was… I fell madly in love with my serenity and freedom there. I want to host a yoga retreat there next year — WILL YOU GUYS COME?!

This is where I got REALLLLLYYYY into the poetry groove. Suddenly, pages and pages and pages and pages started flowing out of me out of the clear blue sky. I began channeling a beautifully influential teacher of mine who passed away last summer, and she shared with me that poetry is going to be a big part of my present & future. She even dropped the names of so many poets and songs into my head for me to listen to for inspiration, and she told me why Broadway music has always been so important to me… because it ignites my soul on a deep level and is most often channeled from a higher place as well. Pretty nuts. She also wrote a bit poetry through me and it is absolutely beautiful.

Day Eight – Eleven: As I said, the days just keep blending into each other which feels amazing. I turned my Instagram back on and it’s kind of a love-hate thing right now. For one, I do feel deeply passionate about sharing imagery and experiences from this trip on my platform. For two, I freakin LOVE connecting with you guys and sharing with you where I am and what’s going on. And for three, there is a very strong businesswoman that lives deep inside of me and she’s like “Nuh uh honey, you ain’t walkin’ away from the career that has supported you for five years… not even for the downtime YOU NEED.” That final piece is the one that I struggle with. I am very grateful for my career, and I don’t want to walk away. But I do have a deep, deep awareness that changes need to be made in order for my overall health and happiness to prevail. And I don’t need to be so dang addicted to the phone whatsoever. So I am working on that, and being here is helping a lot.

A few big revelations with that are that I simply C A N N O T continue to do paid partnerships that are not completely aligned with my heart and soul. Just can’t. I stopped doing that a while ago but I feel the desire to hone in even more deeply now and focus much more on my writing, poetry, my own content for my own brand, and a few new projects that have come to me with massive clarity since I have been here. Once I bring some of those to life, I foresee myself working with no brands in the future other than my own. Plus the occasional brand or two that really gives me life, because I do have a few of those.

Another revelation is that I really want to focus on solo episodes on my podcast moving forward. I will still have guests who really align, but as a reflector (listen to my human design episode with Jenna Zoe if you don’t know what I’m talking about!) I get exceptionally wiped out from long interactions with others. Even though a pod episode that you guys hear is about an hour to an hour and a half, I am usually with my guest for double that amount of time and then recording intros / outros / midway ads for at least another hour or two per episode. Yes, they get cut down to a few minutes but I am a perfectionist by nature and it takes a lot for me to be satisfied with what I put out there.

For those reasons… something that feels so innately right to me are solo episodes. I can share so much of what I have been learning that ignites me but without the element of getting exhausted by other energies. I was getting to the point where if I did three podcast interviews in a week, I legitimately couldn’t do anything else because my energy reserves were shattered. My body was clearly reacting with the rashes, the insomnia, the anxiety, the food allergies, and more.

I am not saying I don’t enjoy doing the interviews — I do! I love them. That’s why I put so much of myself and my energy into the conversations and the process, hence the exhaustion. I just need to find a balance with it… two episodes per month perhaps as solos, two with guests. Something like that.

BIG, EXCITING PROJECT ON THE HORIZON that came to me while I was sitting at Clear Cafe here in Ubud and I feel as if I channeled 20 pages of info about it into my notebook. Originally I was filled with gusto to make it happen by July, but now I feel that in order to pace myself and instill what I’ve learned (slow down, no need to be in such a rush) it will be a slow and steady project with no rush to finish it. But when it is finished… daayummm I cannot wait for you guys to see it / experience it / DO IT WITH ME.

But yes, it will come to fruition in its divine timing. For now I have my poetry to focus on anyway. And you better believe I have BIG PLANS FOR IT.

As far as traveling alone, I absolutely love it. I feel like I could be alone for months on end and feel completely full and satisfied by it. I miss my love a lot, but FaceTime makes things easier and he has been a true supportive godsend with the support and love he shows me every day here and always. He is my rock and without his support I don’t think I would have even booked the flight to come here. I am lucky. So yes I miss him but in a way because of FaceTime I feel like he has experienced many of the most special parts of my trip with me so far.

Lastly, on the food front, I have been eating about 90% raw vegan here and 10% cooked vegan. So yes, all vegan. Plant-based. Whatever we wanna call it. I feel amazing and there will be a full post coming on this — even though I asked in a poll on IG if you guys would want to read a post about that and so far most have said yes and 10% have said no… I know that’s a small percentage but I sometimes wonder whether the people who say “no” know I can see that they did and then I’m just thinking WHY. Maybe that means I shouldn’t ask, haha. I need a whole subset of poll questions like “if no… then why not?”

And as serious as I am about that I am also working on the art of letting go of what others think entirely. I have found that is an absolutely huge component to healing and deleting IG for a few days made other people’s opinions non-existent to me. It felt so good.

Anyway, ask you can see I am going on a big tangent now because that’s what happens when I write. I write to feel, I write it all out, and I also haven’t really hung out with anyone but myself in eleven days, other than a lot of FaceTime calls with my love and my fam and some dates with my sister Carlyn who is also here. So you’re getting the REAAAAL unfiltered me.

I think that’s it for now. It’s almost dinnertime here and I have a long walk to get to my fave cafe for some raw goodness.

All of my love, my babes. Thank you so much for being here & for reading this.

More to come! Like my KAMBO experience, my poetry overflow, my channeling exercises, the hotels and spas that I love here, and more. Feels so good to share my journey with you so far.

XO

Ever since I shared about going intuitively plant-based, I have gotten a lot of questions about how to try out this lifestyle without being too restrictive or feeling like you’re in a box.

That topic is very dear to my heart because as many of you know, I was once raw vegan and was very, very restrictive during that season of my life. Four years later, and after MANY ups and downs with my health / hormones / gut issues, I have overcome a lot and feel like a brand new person when it comes to my approach to food.

I would not have been able to ease into an intuitively plant-based lifestyle directly after my strict, orthorexic days of raw veganism and juice cleansing. I needed to let go of all of the rules to have food freedom at that time, which was great — until I got sick from what I was eating. Like, really sick. My body was not too happy to reincorporate everything under the sun at one time.

But now, I have found balance again and I am OVER THE MOON to share that balance with all of you. I still have lasting health problems that I am working to get to the bottom of, but my gut has been happy and I believe it’s largely due to the switch to intuitive plant-based eating I made a few months ago.

Over the years I have made it my mission to experiment and learn about my body, and I’ve really honed in on what food freedom means to me now vs. then.

And now that I have decided to share my new intuitive plant-based way of life on my blog and social media, I figured it was only right that I clarify a few things for those of you who are looking to try out this lifestyle too and do it in a healthy, balanced, non-restrictive way!

I have broken down my methodology with the whole intuitively plant-based thing into five steps… and I am sharing them below!

Photo creds to bae from our smoothie date this morning. Outfit is the Mudra Yoga Jumpsuit from my friend Donna’s line (local to Bali!!) Satya Yogawear. Use code BLONDE for 15% off if you order anything from her amaze site!

STEP ONE // NO RULES!

One thing about being intuitively plant-based is that it’s just that… intuitive! In my eyes, it’s very different from being strictly vegan, vegetarian or raw vegan.

As much as I truly wish in my heart and soul that I could be fully vegan for the animals and for the environment — I would be doing a disservice to my body, and ultimately to the animals and environment as well (because I would be sick and wouldn’t be any help to anyone) because I know that being fully vegan, 100% of the time, does not work for my particular body.

Instead, I can incorporate my values and my food preferences (plant-based eating) as MUCH as humanly possible while also allowing room for other foods when my body needs and craves them. For example, I have been about 95% plant-based since December, and I have also been incorporating bone broth protein powders, collagen powders, and the occasional bone broth from Erewhon or the occasional bit of fresh fish when I feel I need it.

When I was in Hawaii, I had fish a couple of times because it is so fresh and local there, and also because I knew if I didn’t it would be a huge headache and I wouldn’t have been able to eat at all (other than raw spinach if you know what I mean) at a few of our group dinners. Back in the day, I would not have budged. I would have survived on plain lettuce for days and then been WAY out of whack hormonally by the time the trip was over. That is not balanced, or intuitive, and is riddled with rules and anxiety.

Similarly, if being intuitively plant-based feels so good to you that you know in your heart and soul that you don’t want or need fish, bone broth, collagen, etc. for YOU then go with that! For the first 2.5 months of this lifestyle I didn’t have any of the above — it’s more recently that I have found myself incorporating them for health and variety.

It’s all about no rules, and what works for me is most likely going to look a bit differently for you.

STEP TWO // DO IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT!

If you are going intuitively plant-based because you think you should, or someone else told you to, or because I am and you feel like you usually have similar preferences to me… I would invite you to think long and hard about why YOU want to do it for YOUR personal body and needs.

If you come to the conclusion that you want to do it for your own reasons, you will enjoy the process so much more and it won’t feel restrictive or difficult to you.

I firmly believe that when we make choices based off of what we love, we are setting ourselves up for an enjoyable and abundant experience. I eased into this intuitively plant-based way of life because my mind, body, and soul was crying out for it. I wanted to try it so badly, and I knew it would be fun for me because I LOVE plant-based foods and have a long history with them (many lifetimes of history if we are getting into the spiritual side of things).

When you are in it because you love it, you also have the goal in mind of being balanced and healthy, rather than the goal of losing weight or something that might not be in alignment with the healthiest of mindsets. (Although if you do need to lose weight for medical reasons, going plant-based is not a bad idea. I am referring to people who don’t need to lose weight and want to steer clear of using the plant-based lifestyle to do so.)

STEP THREE // FIND YOUR OWN GROOVE

It might take a while to find your groove with this new lifestyle (same goes for any lifestyle change), and that is completely okay. I would encourage you not to give up before you’ve found your groove.

Part of finding what works for you means trying a bunch of different things. For a while I was on a major kitchari kick for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lately I am all about smoothies for breakfast with bone broth collagen and even smoothies for dinner, loaded with all of the greens and bananas and sweet potatoes.

I know that in a few weeks I will be onto something different. Part of living this lifestyle without getting too restrictive means letting yourself switch things up! Being plant-based doesn’t mean you have to have smoothies every day, or ever for that matter if they’re not your thing.

I find that the more new recipes I try, the more exciting this lifestyle is and the less restricted I feel. It is always a good idea to incorporate plenty of plant-based protein from legumes to nuts and seeds to plant-based protein powders — if they work for you and make you feel good.

STEP FOUR // BE OPEN TO CHANGE

When you’re doing intuitive eating of any kind…. you’ve gotta be open to the possibility of change. Or really, the constant of change. Because it’s always there.

It is so unbelievably hard for a Type A personality like myself to accept the fact that even though I am LOVING and thriving off of being plant-based right now… I know it won’t always be that way. Down the road I might be all about the protein. The ethical animal lover inside of me really doesn’t like that, but that is reality. I know I will always prioritize my health, and I acknowledge that what works right now may not work next year, or in 5 years.

When we are open to change we are allowing ourselves to TRULY be intuitive. To go with the flow. I know that I am plant-BASED which does not mean vegan. It means that most of my meals are plants, and plants will always take up the majority of my plate. Even if I have to eat meat again down the road, that will still be the case.

But this time around I am not closed off to change. I have had enough lasting health problems from my first go-round with veganism to know better for MY personal body. For the people reading who have no issues being vegan longterm, more power to you. I so, so wish my body could get on board with that, but this is my reality and I love my reality too. Wherever each of us are in this journey, it is beautiful and THAT is inspiring to me.

Grocery shopping is KEY. Be stocked up on all of the fruits and veggies so that you always have variety around! And ALWAYS ORGANIC, when you can make it happen.

STEP FIVE // ALLOW VARIETY!

This is similar to step 3, but I wanted it to have its own section too because variety is so important. Switch up your veggies and fruits, eat the rainbow, and DO NOT BE AFRAID OF FRUIT. I spent so many years fearing fruit and it was one of the most unfortunate things I ever did for my health because I missed out on so many vital vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants during that time.

I feared fruit because of the sugar content, but fruit sugar (fructose) happens to break down in our bodies very differently than other forms of sugar and laboratory-made fructose (like high-fructose corn syrup — never touch that). Now I enjoy it in abundance and have been feeling better than ever from the fiber and antioxidants. I have been more regular, which means my digestion is SO much happier than it was before… especially because I am coffee-free right now as well.

Listen to your own body and do you, but always make sure there is variety involved. One of my biggest issues the first time I was a vegan was that I ate the same thing every day… for 3 years! Not only is that not good for us physically, but it’s definitely not good for us mentally.

Switch it up, it’s fun! Try new recipes, get inspired, and make it part of your lifestyle to cook and spend time in the kitchen. Also seek out fun restaurants near you that support the lifestyle so that you don’t feel restricted to ONLY eating at home. Balance, in all ways!

Boom! There you go!

If you incorporate these 5 steps into your intuitive eating plan, you will be off to a great start. My hope is that if you try the intuitively plant-based lifestyle and fall in love with it, you will never feel restricted or bogged down by food again.

I have found that on the contrary of feeling restricted, this lifestyle has opened so many doors for me. I feel freer with food than ever, and that is largely due to the fact that I am eating foods my body LOVES and craves.

Plants feel so, so good in my particular body. Same with legumes, seeds, and the smoothies I have been loving on lately. I do eat a few gluten-free grains (rice, quinoa) but I keep them to a minimum because of my sensitive stomach and my overall grain allergy. I have found that I can tolerate them in a couple of meals per week at max.

For you, you may be able to have grains all the time… or never! It’s all about finding what works for you, which often includes getting tested by an integrative doctor to see what’s up in your personal body.

Lastly… I have also had a lot of requests for intuitively plant-based MEAL PREP which I am so on board with! I will get a post up about that ASAP!

Now, I am off to spend Passover weekend with my family… my parents are in town, you can find them on my IG stories all weekend! They are actually here until the day I leave for Bali, so I am so excited to soak in some good time with them.

So in love with all of you. Please leave any questions below, and use the hashtag #intuitivelyplantbased to share your experiences and your meal ideas with our TBB community! ALL MY LOVE.

XOXO 

Plus, I typically reserve that type of coverage for my email newsletter because if I wrote about everything I wanted to cover here on the blog, I would basically be putting out 25 posts a day. Impossible. But if there is a person or source of information I feel like you guys should really know about, then I will cast aside my regular topics and shout about it from the rooftops. Today is one of those days.

Today I’m going to tell you about the fab MADDY MOON. You may recognize her from when she was our TBV Babe of the Week back in April, or from when I appeared on her podcast the first time, or from when we were on ABC News together, or from her own super inspirational Instagram account, website or podcast!

She has interviewed some of my absolute favorites in the wellness and intuitive eating spaces including my girls Andie Mitchell, Alex Jamieson & Isabel Foxen Duke — to name a few!

And before I go on and on and on (because I fully intend on doing that), I want to link you straight to our brand new podcast episode together, all about Breaking Vegan, our orthorexia journeys, how they parallel (spoiler alert: so many ways!!!), our relationship toward food now, and why we both are simply too extreme to label our diets ever again… Even though we are both tempted to far too often!

Behind the scenes…

Beyond the podcast episode, I want to tell you a little bit about why Maddy is amazing. She and I have yet to even meet in person, but from the very beginning she has been nothing but extremely supportive of my journey. Not only does she show support publicly, which is AWESOME, especially with her recent review on my Amazon book page that stands up to the many hundreds of mean comments I have gotten from angry people who have not read my book; but she also shows support to me privately. She asks if I am doing okay, she reminds me that she always has my back, she sends sweet texts, and has offered many times for me to give her a call whenever I am having a rough time.

She is what I call a TRUE BLUE friend, and if there is one thing in this universe that I like to collect… It’s those types of unconditional, deeply rooted friendships.

Not to mention, my schedule has been wacky this season and I had to reschedule with Maddy twice and sort of left her hanging on the Internet waiting for me to get on to record with her… And she could not have been more gracious and understanding. So, um, can there be more people in the world as kind and good-hearted as her?

I want you to listen to the podcast so I am not going to keep rambling on, but I will leave you with this beautiful section from one of Maddy’s recent blog posts, because it resonated with me SO MUCH. I think it will resonate with any of you who have been in a restrictive or orthorexic cycle like she and I both have:

An excerpt from Maddy’s post: What I Learned From My Recent Binge

One of the reasons why I was so hesitant to recover from orthorexia a few years ago was because, plain and simple, I was good at it.

I was good at restricting. I was good at making myself small. I was excellent at telling people how to diet and lose weight.

When I went out to eat with friends more times than not people would say to me, “Don’t judge me but I’m going to order a burger!”

^ The whole post in itself is extremely well-written, but that part more than anything hit really close to home for me. I too was very good at restricting my food intake. I loved my food rules. I thrived off of the rules. My friends apologized to me for eating non-vegan food around me… And while I never wanted anyone else to feel uncomfortable for what they chose to eat, I was “that girl.” The health-obsessed, plant-based, healthy blogging, super fit, juice cleansing friend. That was me.

On that note, I’ll let you listen to our podcast. Kick back, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and dive on in, because it’s 56 minutes of great conversation.

BTW, join me in using my latest hashtag #BackInBalance to get some hype going for living the balanced life around the holidays. Fun stuff to come with the hashtag as the season goes on… So get excited and join in!

But I’m one to overdramatize when I really feel the weight of a topic I’m writing about.

So instead, this post is more about reactions. Otherwise known as what we can control.

We can’t control what happens to us. We can’t control the way other people treat us or act toward us, we can’t control some of the nasty sh*t that goes on in this world on an all-too-frequent basis, and we certainly can’t control other people’s reactions to what we do, say or create. Pretty much the only thing we can control is how we react to anything and everything that happens outside of our own being.

And trust me, I know it’s easier said than done. I too take things in on the super emotional base level of reactivity when I first internalize them — every. single. time. Yes, that includes when people are making photos of me getting murdered on the Internet. Yes, that includes when someone isn’t happy with my work when I am really freaking proud of it. And yes, that especially includes when someone I love isn’t seeing eye to eye with me or isn’t able to give me the support and appreciation I feel I give to them.

We’ve all been there. And those of us with really sensitive demeanors seem to end up being there most days out of the week. Heck, most hours out of the day. But it doesn’t mean we have to let our disappointment in others or with a situation get us down and ruin our day. Because if we let it, it really could. But if we don’t allow it to… then it simply cannot.

I have had to really work on my reactions lately. If I allowed the reality of certain situations in my life to take over the way that I feel on a daily basis, I’d probably be swallowed up in emotion. That’s not to say that we don’t all have our crap to deal with. Everyone does. But in the context of my own life I’ll let you in on a little secret… Things aren’t perfect. *Allow the shock to ensue ( !!! )*

Every area of my life has ups and downs. A particularly painful portion of that has been the backlash from vegans on the Internet about the extremely personal memoir I worked on and poured my soul into for a full year and a half of my life. And not just that, the extreme misrepresentation  about me being circulated on some of the biggest news stations and websites in the world.

In the context of that situation, I have had to take a really specific kind out outlook. And the outlook goes as such (in a very stream of consciousness kind of way):

“There are a lot of people in the world who are really mad at me, and most of what they are upset about is based on rumors and falsehoods. I have already done my best to explain myself publicly and privately more times than I feel were necessary. I could attach myself to the negative energy from the people who are upset, and if I did I would be wallowing in a lot of self-pity, devastation and anger right now. Or I could take a different approach. I can fine tune my reaction to acknowledge the fact that the media misrepresents people for a living, and the fact that there are always going to be people who don’t agree with my choices. I can accept their frustration, show them respect, and move forward with my life. I can choose to focus on the positivity coming in about the book, the people who’s lives it has touched and changed, and the fact that I pushed aside my fears and self-doubts to write and publish my first book. I wrote a damn book. That’s been my dream for a long ass time. Life is actually really awesome. And those who are angry at a stranger are (in my opinion) wasting their energy.”

& just like that… I regain the control of my own feelings and emotions.

And I don’t want to make it seem like the book controversy is what this post is all about — it’s not. It’s just the best example of how I could have let a pretty depressing situation envelope my emotions and make me really sad. Instead, I just didn’t let it. I chose to react positively, because I choose to treat myself like I would treat a dear friend. I wouldn’t let that friend be upset — I would reminder her that she is a BADASS, she works hard, she just did something awesome, and say f*** the haters.

But beyond the book, I fine tune my reactions and channel my positivity in every aspect of life. Disappointing things happen every day. It’s reality. Even really minor things that are technically our own choice — like me having to wake up at 5 a.m. for a 10k with my running team the morning after being out really late with out of town friends and getting zero sleep. I could have woken up in a pissed off mood and allowed my exhaustion to take over and make me annoyed and resentful about committing to the race in general.

But I didn’t.

I decided to wake up and (force myself) to be GRATEFUL. Grateful for the fact that I have a healthy body that can watch the sun rise over Santa Monica and run a 10k even with little sleep. Grateful for having 100+ supportive teammates and 5 really inspiring coaches that have helped me realize a brand new passion of mine. Grateful for coming a longggg way with my running over the last several months. Grateful to have a really wonderful running BFF who I poured my heart out to both during & after the race. Grateful for waking up to my snuggly and adorable kitty who makes my world go round. Grateful for the fact that I had a Saturday that allowed me to nap for three hours after the race.

All. Good. Things.

All. Positive. Vibes.

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not about trying to be someone you aren’t. I didn’t wake up with the intention of getting to the 10k and acting in-genuinely happy to be there. I was legitimately happy to be there… because I decided to be. I decided to be cool with the fact that I wasn’t doing my first choice activity of sleeping in. And because of that, I had an awesome time that I wouldn’t have traded for a decade more of sleep.

Sometimes you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone to find that level of happiness and positive reactivity. You don’t have to hype yourself up in a fake way and feel that you NEED to view things in a positive way or else you’re doing something wrong. That’s almost just setting yourself up for a crash and burn disaster puddle of emotions. Instead, you just have to surround yourself with people and situations that make you feel supported — that’s where the hard work really comes in: creating that life for yourself. Then the rest falls into place. Because then, the truth is, nothing can really go wrong. People may be upset with you for silly reasons and you may have to force yourself to do a few things that weren’t at the top of your I-wanna-do-this list… but at the end of the day, you have it all. You have amazing people in your life who support you and YOU are confident in what you are doing and the choices that you make.

That’s why, if someone is unhappy with the work that I produce, on this blog or in my book or in the social media sphere or anywhere else, I make sure I am happy with it and that I gave it my all and approached the project or piece with good intentions. That’s all I can do. And if I do that, then reacting negatively would not be worth my time.

If something genuinely upsetting happens, it’s okay to feel it. Feel hard, my friends! Feel it all. I know I do. And then MOVE ON with your day and your life, and allow the good vibes to take over. Remind yourself of something good in your life, or remind yourself of 10 of those good things. Slowly but surely, you’ll realize: that freak out reaction is not necessary.

Because even the most sensitive of souls (hint hint: myself included) can channel their inner badass biatch and choose to be HAPPY and confident in the face of adversity.

Who’s with me? Be yourself & work on those reactions, my lovers. If you do it you’ll inspire me to keep at it too! It’s hard work but very worth it work. Always worth it.

About two years ago, I was the thinnest I’d ever been in my adult life. I ate nothing but raw fruits and vegetables, and I didn’t eat high quantities of them. I exercised every day to an excessive degree between yoga, running, walking everywhere I possibly could and convincing a new person each day to go on a hike, beach walk or bike ride with me. For several hours. I didn’t even sit down to write or do my schoolwork… I did everything I could standing up, and when I was on the phone with people I stretched, danced around and did weird things just to keep moving, and moving and moving.

I was addicted to feeling tiny, and also to feeling EMPTY. Like, very empty. If I was even more than 50% full or satisfied in my stomach, then I would freak out like I had done something wrong. It was partially about being small and partially about a fixation in my head about being totally in control. I felt so, so, soooo in control and I felt like my willpower was stronger than anyone else that I knew. I also had no stomach problems for the first time in my life, because I had nothing to digest… so how could I have digestion problems?

But I know what you may be thinking: you already know this about me. I’ve written about it a lot. I’ve made videos about it. Heck, I’ve written a book about it. I blogged the whole entire time. So now I’m here to talk about where I am with it now.

I still have hard days. Sooo many of them. I’ve hinted at it here and there lately, but even my closest friends and family don’t exactly know how bad it’s gotten (well, now I guess they do — hi everyone, lol). Some way and some how I learned very young to use food as a mechanism to control my emotions. If something was going wrong, I turned to food or the restriction of it. It was always one or the other, and usually intense restriction. And after being oh so restrictive for so many years, food became this weird thing that felt totally off limits but right in front of me at the same time. Needless to say, after shedding the vegan label… the world of food & everything it had to offer (nutrients, satiety, comfort, control/lack thereof, flavors I hadn’t experienced in years, protein I hadn’t put into my body in years, and so on…) was terrifying.

Not to mention I have a job where I am always putting myself out there for the world to see. Photos, videos, outfit posts, TV appearances, bikini photos (eek!) — I love ALL of that stuff. So much! If I didn’t love it I wouldn’t do it. I like to share my life with all of you. But then again sometimes I see myself on camera and I’m like holy shit my face looks round, or wow I don’t look like the vegan ultra-fit ultra-tiny raw foods powerhouse I once did. I look balanced… I look healthy, but as all humans do, I still scrutinize myself. Especially on a morning after perhaps I’ve eaten one dessert too many or “too large” of a meal (it’s so hard to unwind from that eating disorder mindset).

And then I get these ideas in my head where I feel that I HAVE to look a certain way by the time a certain event rolls around: for example, I am leaving for Costa Rica today and the eating disorder side of me tried to drill it into my head that I should restrict my food intake so I would be as thin & fit as possible on the trip. (I can’t believe I’m writing all of this, but I am!) So I restricted for weeks, halfway because I wanted to look a certain way in Costa Rica and halfway because goddamn do I love a good dose of overly obsessive self-control. It’s just in my blood, it’s in my nature. I know it’s not a healthy way to be, and I try to channel it into other aspects of my life (like the blog!) that result in a much more positive outcome than taking a toll on my body… But it is SO. HARD. TO. DO.

So naturally, at a certain point I bounced back from my crazy restriction. To be exact, it was a little over a week ago. My body felt so deprived, so starved and so sick of what I was doing to myself… that I went over the edge and decided to screw the restriction and eat whatever the hell I wanted. But too much of it. To the point where I made myself sick.

(WEARING: ALALA Yellow Crop Pant || ALALA Mesh Back Tee)

Then I had somewhat of a revelation… and this revelation happened while I was talking to my dear friend Tara, one of the only people I truly confide in about this and turn to when my eating/restricting skyrockets out of control, and I realized two very important things:

1. I am afraid to fully let go of my eating issues, because then I feel (irrationally) like the floodgates will open and I will finally have to deal with everything else in my life – some larger & arguably more important issues than food. In my eating disorder mindset, if I focus on food, restricting, control, etc. then I feel like I can push those responsibilities and issues away until they no longer “exist.” But that’s not the case, they are always there, and my response to food & restriction is a huge part of how I deal with them.

2. Eating disorders really are a mind over matter game, and when you get too stuck in your head you get sucked back in. So you can’t be too hard on yourself! And I have been extreeeemely hard on myself and so, so stuck in (and obsessed with) perfection. I hold myself to a very high standard, and sometimes I feel that if things aren’t perfect then why try in the first place? It’s not a place I want to be. I want to be balanced! And I am trying.

So, there we are. My little update on shedding the layers of perfection and trying to just BE! I think I need to get “Mind Over Matter” tattooed on my body, lol. Or “I am worthy” orrr maybe “JUST BE” or god anything of that notion.

And I am going to Costa Rica tonight, and I am going to do my veryyyy best to be KIND to myself and let go of all the food craziness. I hope to enjoy the food on the trip, not get crazy obsessive about exercise and not obsess over how I look in a bathing suit. I hope to just be. And that is the realest I have ever been on this blog, because usually I put a positive spin like “I WILL be _____” and to be honest, right now all I can do is hope & try and do everything in my power to focus on feeling good, treating myself well and being open and very, truly, radically honest.

And thank god I will be with one of my lifelong, dear best friends who is very aware of how rocky my food path has been over the past few months. He has heard me break down like you wouldn’t believe — a side of me that I only show to those I trust immeasurably… we all have those people.

PS I sort of touched on this in my latest YouTube video, if you want to check it out! & if you like it, would love to have you subscribe!!!

Has anyone else ever felt this way / currently feel this way?! If so, I am so here for you. I am always here. 

Naturally, it’s tricky waters when someone recovering from an eating disorder is forced to limit their diet from a sky’s the limit mentality to, uhh, let’s avoid anything remotely acidic, spicy, saucy, rich, etc.

But here’s the thing… I feel better than I’ve felt in months. And let me tell you why. I have an extremely and notoriously sensitive stomach. Anyone who knows me knows that food + me don’t agree with each other 95% of the time so I have to be very careful about what I eat. I was good about being careful for years until I got TOO good at being careful and stopped eating enough in general… hence the eating disorder.

Being careful about what I eat is ingrained in me, and somewhere along the way in this recovery process I have tried to ignore that as much as possible in favor of doing what I felt was mentally best for me while recovering.

But the problem is what is mentally best and physically best aren’t always in sync… and then I kinda developed an issue of going way overboard with eating whatever the heck I wanted after being so, so restrictive for so long.

Shall we recap about what I ate for two years straight – or rather, what I didn’t eat? I didn’t eat animal products or animal byproducts of any kind (yes, that includes dairy, eggs, and of course fish, poultry, and meat), wheat, refined sugar, flour, and in my restrictive heyday I didn’t even eat grains, legumes or cooked food. My diet consisted of veggies, fruit and, if I was feeling generous (read: hungry), nuts.

When I had my first bite of salmon this past June, which was my first non-vegan food venture in two years and non-vegetarian bite in years and years, I had this strange feeling come over me of, “THAT’S it?” As in, what the eff have I been restricting myself for for so long… this is my body and my body has been craving goddamn protein and I avoided it for so long because of some strict dietary label I’d attached to yada yada…

From there I started eating more non-vegan foods quicker than most people would have assumed. I moved into eating cage-free eggs and then after a few weeks I started eating chicken. I kept it at that for quite a while, but hey, that’s a LOT for someone who had been so restricted for so long. And then I loved the feeling of having less restrictions and I started believing they were super detrimental (which I still believe) and decided to drop them entirely.

I have had beef here and there, which I hadn’t had in TEN YEARS (I’m only 24, so that’s a long ass time for me), and was something I didn’t think I would ever, ever touch again. Same with dairy. For the past few months I have been eating frozen yogurt and other previously off-limits sugary treats like they were going out of style. Dessert with lunch? Why not. A piece of toast with breakfast even though I am severely gluten intolerant? Bring it on.

It has felt extremely good to stick it in my eating disorder’s face and show myself that I love my body enough to challenge myself every day to eat foods that I had been restricting from for years. But in the back of my mind, and here’s where the denial was coming in, I haven’t felt GOOD in months. And when I say “good” I mean balanced, totally in tune with my body, and in control of my eating.

So naturally it felt good to NOT be careful for months on end. And then I developed an ulcer last week (totally unrelated to this food business) and had to cut my diet way, way down to the basics. And now that I am eating basic foods and being super careful about what I put into my body, I FEEL FREAKING AWESOME AGAIN. I mean, my ulcer is killing me and my stomach is so full of acid I feel 9 months pregnant, but eating basic foods is absolutely the way to go for my stomach and body composition and that’s something I’ve known all along.

There are foods that simply do not work for me. I won’t get into them right now because I don’t want to trigger anyone else’s eating disorder habits because we are all so, so different, but there are foods I should seriously avoid. It scares me a bit to do that because I hate to feel restrictive and feel like I’m falling back into that… but then again there is a HUGE difference between being limited and being restricted.

Being limited, and then going overboard with limitations, is what lead me into being restrictive. Being restrictive lead me into being opposed to any limitations. Now, several months into this whole process, I can see that being limited and being restricted are two entirely different things.

Limited, for me, means focusing on foods that make me feel GREAT and limiting (or eliminating) foods that make me feel like shit. Even if we are recovering from restrictive habits, it doesn’t mean that we have to shove our faces with foods that don’t make our bodies feel their best.

I still thrive on healthy foods. Unprocessed, predominantly plant-based, gluten-free, oil-free, on the basic side and home cooked as often as possible. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? NO. And that’s been the hardest for me to accept.

So, here I am, realizing bit by bit that recovering and finding balance aren’t necessarily one in the same. I kind of feel better than I have in a LONG time, and I am so excited about it and so proud of myself for coming to this realization.

Has anyone else (in recovery or not) ever felt this way? I would love to hear your thoughts!

I am unbelievably honored & excited to announce that today’s recovery series post features the amazing Miss Jessica Sepel. Jess is one of Australia’s leading health bloggers, nutritionists and wellness coaches. I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with Jess earlier this week when she was in LA, and we hit it off as if we had known each other for years. Kindred spirits do that, ya know… And I feel SO lucky to be able to call her a fast friend.

I am inspired by Jessica in the sense that she knew food and negative body image were controlling every aspect of her life, so she committed herself to understanding nutrition so she could make a change and help people develop body-peace once and for all.

Ready? I will let Jess take it away!

Recovery Series #7 //  ▷ ▸ ▹ ►

Full name: Jessica Sepel

Age: 25

Current Location: Sydney, Australia

Q: Jessica, thanks so much for joining us today for TBB Recovery Series. It means a lot to me (and all of us!) that you are here and willing to open up about your struggles. Can you tell us a bit about your journey with food and eventual descent into the tricky waters of ED territory?

A: Like so many young women, I spent my teenage years and early 20s struggling with negative body image. I tortured myself to the point that food was the enemy. Hating my body was impacting every aspect of my life.

Q: Did your eating struggles with food stem from somewhere… i.e. body image issues, a traumatic event, a desire to look a different way, a need for control, all of the above?!

A: Yes, my eating struggles stemmed from this desire to be and look perfect. I never felt good enough or thin enough or accomplished enough. I felt constant pressure. I compared myself to my friends. I probably also used food as a way to control some emptiness in my life after my immigration.

Q: When you were in the midst of your ED, what did your obsession and a typical day in the life of Jessica look like?

A: I was sleep deprived and crippled by anxiety, gulping down four “calorie-free” black coffees a day. I was eating low-fat everything, calorie counting and fad dieting, and depriving myself from foods – which meant I ended up bingeing. I was also exercising intensely twice a day, but actually gaining weight! The scary thing is, I thought my lifestyle was normal. Healthy, even.

Q: What kind of changes did you see and feel in your body and mental state at the peak of your obsession?

A: I was tired. No zest for life. I felt consumed by it. It was just EXHAUSTING. My poor body was under so much stress. I suffered from hormonal havoc. I was listless and miserable; completely and utterly out of touch with my own body. I try to look back at that time with love, because I was trying to find my way.

Q: Do you see a correlation between a specific personality type (extreme, all or nothing personalities, etc.) and falling into the difficulty of eating disorders?

A: Definitely – I think a lot of it has to do with control. A lack of it, or simply needing to feel more of it. Food and exercise are things we can control, at least in a relative sense. It gives a sense of security, but it quickly controls us instead. And the desire for perfection can easily be taken too far, especially when we’re comparing ourselves to others. It’s the perfect storm. 

^ Jess playing around with The Balanced Blonde App!

Q: Okay, enough of the difficult stuff. Tell us what RECOVERY looked like for you! How did you begin the recovery process, and what did “getting help” look like?

A: I started seeing a good psychologist who helped me tap into the root of my pain and learn to manage stress. This also helped my build up my self-esteem and my relationship with food. I cut out toxic food, scenes, and relationships that didn’t serve me and embraced whole foods, self respect and love. I also made sleep a priority – I now believe rest is the true key to recovery and healthy living.

Q: How did friends and family react to the change? Were they relieved when you realized and acknowledged that you needed help?

A: Yes, my mother was so relieved. No one really knew how bad it was though. I felt talking about it made me feel worse.

Q: What has the best aspect of recovery been? 

A: When I realized that I had the ability to change my life through proper nutrition and self-care, I began to feel myself come alive! Through my self-healing, I began telling myself I was worth it; I was capable of helping other people on their own journey to health. I realized I could have a career where I would wake up each day and feel excited about what I was doing. Through my work with clients and now with the release of my book, my dreams are truly manifesting into reality!

Q: What are some tips you’ve found that help in the difficult moments for maintaining balance, health and loving your bod?

• I believe in the power of positive affirmations and try to start my day with them in mind.
• I go into the Stress Free Zone. I commit 20 or 30 minutes a day away from technology and other distractions and use it to center myself.
• I write in my gratitude journal. As corny as it might sound, it keeps me grounded and stress-free. You can’t feel stressed when you feel grateful.
• I switch off from social media. I try to put my phone away starting at 8:00pm, and also try to spend a full day, typically Sundays, unplugged. (TBB Sidenote: THIS IDEA ROCKS)
• I don’t deprive myself! I truly believe that indulging on occasion is good for you.

Q: What is the BEST part about blogging? Has your blog helped you overcome the difficult times you went through with over-exercising, or is it ever a trigger for you? I know many bloggers (including myself) find the act of blogging itself occasionally triggering — especially surrounded by food, health, wellness and fitness questions all day long! 

A: OH YES! Blogging about my experience has healed me. It has been my therapy in so many ways. I feel so connected and supported by a community who has helped heal me. It’s so amazing to know we are not alone and we are all trying to figure it out together.

I definitely do get triggered by being in the industry, though. Recently I have been more in the spotlight on television, radio etc. and I find my old feelings of not being good enough pop up. But I have the tools now to re-center myself and tell myself that it’s my mean girl talking. Not all of our thoughts are real.

The JSHealth community is so inspiring. To have such a tribe of readers who are committed to a healthy life motivates me to wake up and do what I love to do. I am so grateful.

Q: Favorite quote?!

A: A rested body is a healthy body. We need to rest more.We are nothing without our health. Healthy living itself keeps me motivated, energized, and gives me a feeling that I can do anything and everything.

Q: Anything you’d like to add?

It was an absolute pleasure to answer these questions. Thanks for inspiring us all.

Jess and I squinting in the Beverly Hills sun…!

In a short, I am so grateful to know this beautiful and inspiring girl. What part of her recovery story really stuck with you?! I am quite struck by all of it. PS… What is everyone dressing up as for Halloween today?!

When I decided to come forward about transitioning away from veganism, it was Katie who I spoke to on the phone in the wee hours of the morning while pacing frantically around my NYC apartment. “I’m going to press publish, I just have to do it,” I said, feeling like a maniac but knowing she totally understood the pressure that comes along with blogging about a specific healthy lifestyle… And her words of support and encouragement coupled with her realistic, “You know you’re probably going to get death threats, right?” prepared me for the worst (which certainly came) and also gave me the strength to go through with posting the article.

Katie’s blog has always been a very favorite of mine because her food photos are sensational (serious food porn), her writing voice is the perfect amount of to the point recipe details with little glimpses into her head and everyday life. The fact that people on the internet choose to judge and attack her for her weight – on both ends of the spectrum, is beyond me.

She gave me the awesome opportunity to chat with her about her recovery journey… not about the “anorexia” rumors floating around the web, but of an intense exercise addiction that started to effect her life in quite negative ways. Without further ado… CCK, take it away!

Right then & there I knew she had to be our fifth Recovery Series participant. Madelyn’s story is fascinating to me because her eating spiraled downward while she was a fitness competitor. When you think of the body building industry and women, what do you think of?

I think of super toned, 0% body fat and very clean eating — something that once would have whisked me away at the very thought. Now I think twice. I’m not saying that this lifestyle isn’t maintainable for anyone, but for those of us with extra extreme personalities (like Madelyn and myself!), spending so much time focusing on a body-image related goal and a very rigid meal plan is a recipe for disaster.

Time to let Madelyn take the stage. I am so thrilled she could share her story with us today.

Recovery Series #5 //  ▷ ▸ ▹ ►

Q: Name, age, current location.

A: Madelyn Moon, 23, Boulder, Colorado

Q: Madelyn! Your story is similar to mine in the sense that we both got very attached to dietary labels that eventually let to our disordered eating “downfall.” Can you tell us a bit about your experiences with vegetarianism and paleo? 

A: Yes, of course! When I was in high school, my closest friend was a vegan and she introduced me to a few documentaries that really opened up my eyes to the cruelty of the slaughterhouse industry. I immediately dedicated myself to vegetarianism for these ethical reasons, but soon, after a year or so, avoiding meat became a weight control mechanism. Not being able to eat meat gave me these boundaries to live safely inside of. When my life became stressful, I clung to my dietary beliefs because I knew at least those would never change. Those rules would always be there, and therefore my weight and size would always be manageable.

Along with this diet came really obsessive “fitness” behaviors. I ran around 7 miles per day on a treadmill so that I could see how many calories I burned and then I would proceed with my day making sure that I consumed less calories than I burned during that run. It was nuts.

After a few years of doing this, I found myself a “little” consumed with the bodybuilding industry. Those bodies were so beautiful and I just HAD to find out how they did it! Well, according to all the blogs and magazines, I needed a lot more protein that I was currently consuming. I also needed more structure (6 meals a day, every 3 hours, protein at every meal, etc).

I quickly became obsessed with these bodies and decided to give this new diet a go. I’d just call it a bodybuilding diet. Fast-forward a year or two after stuffing my face day after day with the same foods, and I found that my body became very sensitive to eating so much of the same bland stuff (think oatmeal and chicken) that I had a hard time digesting them. Literally, I was always gassy. Sexy, right?

Basically, I was eating “so clean” that I couldn’t digest anything else that wasn’t on my daily meal plan. After a year or so of dealing with this, I discovered paleo. Honestly, this was more than just a diet, it was a community. Finding paleo was amazing, and I really love the idea of just eating a whole foods-based diet without worrying about the details such as macros, lea timing and calories…but yet, with my perverse nature, I used it against myself. Instead of using paleo as a template to make me feel better, I used it as a control mechanism. I could no longer eat most of my favourite foods even though I could digest them perfectly fine but the truth is, I wanted so badly to “be a part” of this group, that I decided to go strict paleo and ignore all of my body’s desires and cues for it’s favourite foods, like my beloved peanut butter.

I quickly became obsessed, just like I was with being a vegetarian and with being a fitness competitor. I was trying to stuff sweet potatoes down my throat so that I could still make gains in the gym, and for some reason I thought that was OK, just as long as it wasn’t a grain or a molecule of gluten. Heaven forbid.

So at the root of it, these diets were definitely coping mechanisms for me. Instead of facing the stressful things going on in my life, I focused my attention on food and creating the “perfect” body. I wanted so badly to find which diet would give me lean abs, a tight butt and rounded shoulders. It’s funny because even though I did find myself with that body at one point, I had absolutely no one to share it with because I was so negative, obsessed and over-consumed. 

Q: You also have a unique viewpoint because you were a fitness physique competitor– where what your body LOOKS like is the main goal that is worked toward. How did that affect your relationship with food, mind and body?

Oh man, it affected me negatively in so many ways. I no longer saw a meal. Instead I saw 433 calories. I no longer saw a tasty sandwich. Instead I saw 43 grams of carbohydrates and 25 grams of protein. Food was no longer food; it was just fuel. It was science. I was so accustomed to eating protein at every meal that I almost couldn’t eat something unless there was protein alongside it. I was so used to counting calories that I could basically count up everything in my head on the spot. I couldn’t go longer than 3 hours without eating because if I did, I thought my body would probably stop metabolizing the food and then I’d automatically gain weight.

That’s all of the mental side towards food. My thoughts towards my body were a completely different monster. To be completely honest, I couldn’t stand my body. Even when I was 7% body fat, I spend so much time worried about gaining the weight back, I couldn’t enjoy the physique I had worked so hard for. I was so consumed with my stomach and abs that the stress often made me bloat. I was bloated all the freaking time from my massive protein consumption on top of stress I was experiencing, so naturally I was always uncomfortable. I was so self-conscious and self-consumed that I pretty much blocked everyone out of my life. It was terrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

The hardest part was probably coming off of competition prep, and watching my body put back on a little bit of weight. I was still underweight, but in my head I was fat. Truly, truly fat. I could no longer see my body as human flesh. Once I had been as lean as I was, I had a new standard for my figure (regardless of how unhealthy it was) and once the weight started to creep back on, I felt like a failure.

It’s taken a long time to start seeing my body in a different light, but I really do now and I love myself so much more than I did when I was a fitness model. Plus, I feel a ton sexier.

Q: What did it take to realize that your restriction was headed down a bad path? Did you have a tipping point or a moment where you felt like, “this is it, I need to change something”?

A: Goodness, yes, I had many moments. I have specific memories of crying on the floor wishing my fat would go away. I have moments bawling in the car. I remember crying on the phone with my mom at Whole Foods because I felt like I “ate too much” and everybody else was eating less than me. Though, I think the biggest moment was the night of my second fitness competition. I was lying in my hotel bed reflecting on the day and how I had given up the previous 4 months for that competition and it wasn’t worth it whatsoever. That was really eye-opening. For 4 months I followed a strict diet, worried endlessly about my body, missed out on all my friend’s social events, and found myself literally starving on several occasions. Instead of lying there upset and sad, I should have been happy! I should have been so proud of my accomplishment, but yet I was disappointed with my ranking and frustrated about how I was feeling. I knew something wasn’t right.

At one point in my life, I wanted to be fit for the sake of health, but somewhere along the way, that passion became intensely contorted and lost. I told myself that night that I needed to remember this feeling. I felt so awful about the competition and so angry about feeling awful that I knew something wasn’t right in my mind. I knew I didn’t deserve to disrespect myself like that. I was seeking a subjective desire that would never be found, and because of this, I was loathing the only body I have to live in.

Something needed to change, and I needed to find the courage to see it through.

Q: Do you think there are any personality traits that you be tied to restrictive eating and exercise? For example, I am very extreme and have an all or nothing type of personality, and I think that definitely contributed to my disordered eating habits. Do you struggle with extremes?

A: Absolutely! I had some obsessive tendencies as a child, and I think that transferred over as a young adult. That stuff doesn’t just go away unless you are really proactive about it. I am also pretty competitive and self-disciplined. Being able to discipline myself has always been a big strength of mine, but unsurprisingly, it’s also a weakness. I tend to think in black and white, and I often have the desire to be “different” or stand out because of my Leo nature. All of these qualities combined lead to a very stubborn obsessed extremist!

6. You mention on your blog that you were on the EXACT same meal plan for 4 months, to a tee (I totally get that…), what did that meal plan look like? Did you have cravings?! Did it lead to any post-diet binging?

It makes me cringe to think about it. My meals where as followed (and PLEASE nobody get any ideas!):

Meal 1- 4 egg whites, oats, 1 T peanut butter

Meal 2- Chicken and brown rice

Meal 3- Chicken and brown rice

Meal 4- Oatmeal and protein powder

Meal 5- Chicken and green beans

Meal 6- Casein powder (basically protein powder)

Okay so when I say that I followed the exact same meal plan for four months, I mean that literally. Not a blueberry more. Not a bell pepper less. No oil on my chicken, No salt. No sugar. I think I had a banana on a couple “high carb” days, but that’s the only time I had something different. And I ate every 3 hours, NO exceptions. Cause ya know…I’d probably lose all my muscle if I were a minute late. Keep in mind that I was in college at the time too, so I was taking my chicken and rice to class with me often and eating it cold. I can’t tell you how many times I ate in the car. Oh and I ate in a bathroom on a date too.

Q: You started your blog with the intention of speaking about body confidence and the correlation between mind and body. Do you think that being so open on the blog has helped your recovery process, and if so, how?

A: Oh most definitely! I actually started my website in 2012 before I had even done a fitness competition. So my website has been with me through the entire process, including my two fitness competitions. It’s helped me get through so much. My podcast Mind Body Musings has helped me the most because of two reasons. First, I can talk to inspiring people that have similar experiences and can share how they found body peace. Secondly, I confess to what I’m struggling with and I receive emails from people going through the same. It’s so beautiful to be able to share experiences with thousands of people I don’t know, knowing that it’s actually helping them in some way. I firmly believe that if we just talk about this more, so many more people would feel less alone.

Q: What is your take on restrictive diets like veganism, paleo, raw vegan, gluten-free, etc. and the growing correlation between those and disordered eating habits?

A: You know, these days I really have a firm grasp on the fact that everything works for at least one person. I am no longer trying to find a perfect diet for myself, so it’s easy for me to sit back and listen to people talk about their favourite diet.

With that said, I do believe that there is a growing correlation between the two. I consider myself fortunate to no longer have that mentality considering our culture is trying to create food-fearing individuals. We are taught to label foods as “good” or “bad” and we have created these “off-limit” foods for ourselves. We use words like “indulge” and phrases like “cheat meals.” There’s something really twisted about these phrases alone. On top of that, all of these diets with conflicting information almost force us to pick a side. And if we don’t pick a side, we’re bombarded with people trying to sell us on what works for them.

I think it really depends on the individual. If you have an allergy to dairy, gluten and legumes, paleo might be perfect for you. If you have no allergies but you just want to feel optimal, then by all means, experiment and find out what makes you feel best. I think the problem is when we cling to food when something happens in our lives we are uncomfortable with. There’s a problem when we see a smidge of cellulite and cut out all carbs. It’s an issue when we’re in a fight with our boyfriend and we binge. There’s something wrong when you are trying a new diet every single day and hating the whole process.

Simply put, it’s best to just eat what aligns with what both your mind and body want. That’s real satiation.

Q: Favorite quote:

A: Peace within makes beauty without.

Q: Give us a glimpse into a day in the life of Madelyn’s workouts and recovery foods. Because food is fuel, right?!

A: Heck yeah! I go through phases where I want to eat a lot of the same stuff over and over again. This could be a part of my obsessive nature, but honestly I think it’s because everything I’m eating is making me feel so dang good! I usually start my day with a Greek yogurt bowl with berries, sunflower seed butter and something crunchy like granola or organic cereal. Lunch is usually white or brown rice with beef or ground turkey and something green, like Brussels! Dinner is always different. I love making spaghetti squash, sweet potato fries, and healthy meatloaf. I’ve always been pretty obsessed with meatloaf. No joke.

In regards to workouts, I try to have a very sane approach to it. I realize if I get rigid with scheduling workouts, my mindset gets rigid too, and I become too critical. I try to mix it up now by combining rock climbing with hiking, biking, occasional sprints, gymnastics and strength training sessions! Oh and I’ve recently joined CrossFit, which is definitely humbling to me. I’m not very good at it and I love having a new challenge.

Q: How do you maintain your passion for exercise without letting it go overboard and affect your life the way it once did?

A: This is a tricky one to answer. I’ve noticed it’s extremely easy for me to fall back into old habits. About 3 months ago, I took a full month off from going to the gym and that helped tremendously. After I started going again, I experienced negative body image talk in my head. It happened so quickly, as if I never even took that break. I very quickly decided I needed something new to do. I needed a challenge that was focused on performance, not aesthetics. That’s why I’m really focusing on things like rock climbing, gymnastics and CrossFit because none of those things require mirrors and isolation movements. Instead, they focus on strength. Real strength. And after every class, I feel proud of my accomplishments and myself. It had been so long since I left a workout feeling accomplished that now, I only want to engage in activities I know will leave me feeling happier afterwards.

Physical activity is supposed to be fun. Period.

Q: Tell us about the “reverse diet” you put yourself on to gain weight after you realize you needed help.

A: Well the reverse diet was really supposed to be a sane way to come out of a competition diet safely, without ruining your “hard earned work” and putting on an uncomfortable amount of weight too fast. I did this after my two competitions, and they definitely helped me to increase my calorie “tolerance” but what I did after I realized I needed help was pretty different. I actually stopped following all diets altogether. I mean, subconsciously, I was still counting calories in my head and following certain macro “rules” but after awhile, I waned off and tried intuitive eating. I ate foods I hadn’t eaten in forever and thoroughly enjoyed them. I ate meals without protein. I ate at a restaurant more than once a week. I forced myself to delete my calorie counting app and eat meals that I didn’t know the macro breakdown for.

It was so challenging, but once I learned how to let go, so much changed. I was so used to being in control of every morsel that went into my body, I had to quite literally force myself to stop. It also forced me to keep myself preoccupied with other things so that I didn’t have time to focus on food. Instead, I went out with friends and went on more dates! Once I learned to let go over my desire to control, I gained so much in return.

Q: What advice would you give to girls suffering with body image issues? We all want to fall in love with ourselves, and I think you are a fabulous example of someone who was suffering from control issues and you were able to let go and find your way to health. 

A: First of all, thank you for saying that. It means a lot. Second of all, I think I have to give a couple pieces of advice here.

1. Get off of social media. Or at least unfollow accounts that make you wish you were any different than you currently are.

2. Stop your food rules if they are no longer serving the same purpose they did when you started them. If you’re allergic, that’s one thing. If you’re scared, that’s another.

3. Pick up a new non-food and non-fitness related hobby. Learn an instrument, a language, pick up a fiction book, volunteer, or do what I did and get a dog.

4. Listen to more podcasts. There are so many podcasts out there that can help you along with your body acceptance journey. Don’t fill your queue with diet theory podcasts, as tempting as that may be. Try to stick with shows that promote mind and body satiation, as well as bio-individuality.

Q: Three things you’re most passionate about… go!

A: 1. My dog, Ninabelle. She’s most literally the most amazing thing in my life and I owe so much to her. She’s helped me through a lot and there’s really nothing that can compare to the feeling of her snuggling up to me every night.

2. My faith. Knowing something bigger than me is out there watching over me has helped me tremendously. It’s made my worries and struggles seem so small and petty compared to my life’s purpose. I know I was created for a reason and it wasn’t to have an eating disorder. My experiences might have launched me into my purpose though, so for that, I wouldn’t change anything.

3. My podcast. Though it may seem small in the grand scheme of things, my show has helped me and helped others, but even more than that, it’s a blast. I know one day it might not be as purposeful as it is now, and I’m okay with that. But until the day comes (if ever), I’m going to continue to treat my show like my baby. It’s introduced me to so many inspirational people, like yourself, and for that I consider myself very fortunate.

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A: There was something I once heard that’s stuck with me for months now and I doubt I’ll ever forget it. It goes like this. There will ALWAYS be somebody that is better than you at something. There will always be somebody that’s deemed prettier than you by society’s standards. There will always be someone more athletic. There will always be somebody better at science. There will always be somebody funnier than you. These are just facts. But there will never, ever, EVER be somebody better at being…you. With all of that said, why in the world would you ever want to pretend to be somebody else, when you’re already one of a kind?

Thanks so much for having me, Jordan!

HUGE thanks to Madelyn for sharing her story with us today. Be sure to check out her website & the amazing podcast series she created! How inspiring is she?! What is everyone up to this weekend?!

Today the lovely miss Emily von Euw from This Rawsome Vegan Life is stopping by to tell us her recovery story. She suffered from disordered eating at the beginning of her raw vegan journey when she was around the age of 17. Now it’s been a few years, and she has figured out how to eat a healthy plant-based diet AND be good to her body. She inspires me so very much, and I have had a blast following her blog for the past several years. You rock, Emily!

PS, before we get to it, prepare yourselves to do some voting (cough cough…for me! Hehe, JK, kinda) from September 15th – 29th on Katsuya’s Facebook page. It’s part of their #RollOutTheResearch campaign for breast cancer awareness, and the winner of the contest gets their roll featured on Katsuya’s menu for the month of October. (For all of you non-Californian readers, which is many of you, Katsuya is a super trendy and delicious sushi place in LA!). Would so appreciate your support! Had a blast getting a sushi lesson from the chef yesterday.

Doing a whole post on the contest next week– but today is about EMILY!

Recovery Series #3 // Emily von Euw  ▷ ▸ ▹ ►

Q: Name, age, current location.

A: Emily von Euw, 20, Vancouver

Q: You’re very open on your blog about developing disordered eating habits around the age of 17 when you transitioned from vegan to raw vegan. Can you tell us a little bit about that experience?
A: I became vegan because it made sense to me; if you care about others, yourself and the environment, you should eat a plant-based diet. Soon after becoming vegan I learned about the raw food diet and lifestyle, and the logic behind it also resonated with me. That is, the idea that raw foods are the healthiest foods on the planet because they are the least processed, their enzymes are still intact, and all other animal species eat only raw food… so it must be the most natural, and therefore healthy, diet! That was my thinking at the time anyways. In turning to the raw food diet, I made several mistakes. Firstly, after researching the lifestyle online and in books, I convinced myself that I should strive to eat 100% raw if I want to be truly healthy. Of course, I have learned this is not true. Humans have been eating cooked food since approximately 250,000 years ago and our bodies have evolved to handle it. The strongest civilizations throughout history have based their diets on cooked grains and vegetables. Secondly, I learned to see all cooked food as poisonous and bad for me and I felt guilty whenever I wanted to eat – and did eat – cooked food, even if it was just steamed broccoli or brown rice. This was not healthy because guilt and self-loathing are never healthy, but it was also unhealthy because I have since discovered I do best with cooked food in my diet, and if I eat all raw for too long I begin to feel weak. And finally, I did not eat enough. I think some folks can probably live on an all raw diet long term, but the amounts of food you need to eat are enormous (2,000-4,000 calories a day). I only ate a few pieces of fruit a day, and I was always craving other food I felt guilty about eating. It was a nasty cycle.

Q: When did you realize you had gone too far with your raw vegan diet? Losing your period for 8 months was certainly one wake up call, but were there others?

A: After trying to eat all raw for several months I began to feel weak, light-headed, and tired all the time. I was exercising a lot, but after an hour of cardio I’d only have a plate of fruit and thought that should be enough. I dropped to about 100 pounds, and technically I was underweight. My parents were concerned and told me I should gain weight, but in my head I was proud of my unusually low BMI and wanted to lose even more pounds.

Q: You mention that your family was stressed and worried when you were getting thin and obsessing over being 100% raw. Did you simply feel misunderstood (“You guys don’t even understand the benefits of raw veganism!!!” kinda thing) or did you know deep down that their concerns were valid?

A: I definitely felt like they – and everyone else – didn’t get it. My parents and school teachers warned me I should be eating more and that I should have cooked food in my diet. My parents sometimes told me I should eat animal products again. I was always fairy dismissive about their concerns and comments. I thought: “This IS the best diet in the world! They don’t understand. I must be doing something wrong!” Looking back, I think I was deeply in denial, because I really believed what I thought, although I certainly had moments where I noticed someone very healthy who ate cooked food – duh – and I thought “How can they be healthy and fit if they eat salmon and eggs and bread?” I tried to convince myself they must feel sick all the time or that they’d develop some illness because they ate cooked food. Wow… typing that out seriously makes me realize how totally nuts my reasoning was. Yikes! 

Q: Your post from 2012 titled “bad girl” about eating a sandwich about trying to reason with yourself that it wasn’t “that bad”… How does it make you feel re-reading that now?

A: Haha, it’s awful. I cringe and laugh at the same time. I remember writing that post – and making that sandwich – like it was last week. The whole reason I posted that was because I thought I’d feel less guilty if I didn’t hide it. It kind of helped because it was out there in the open and I got a lot of comments saying they understood and I shouldn’t feel bad, but that was just a dark time so it didn’t definitively solve anything. Reflecting on it now, it’s utterly ridiculous. I let my convictions – that weren’t based on anything but opinion and ideology – get in the way of logic, scientific evidence and my health.

Q: From what I gather from your blog & Instagram, you pretty much follow the 80/10/10 diet (correct me if I’m wrong!!). Has that lifestyle been triggering at all for you, and if so, how do you work through those triggers to avoid getting too obsessive?

A: Honestly I have never really followed one diet very precisely, I don’t think that’s a good idea for most people (more on this below). Once I let myself stop feeling bad about eating cooked foods – this took a long time and was not easy – I naturally came to a diet that was similar to 80/10/10. I ate as much fruit and veggies as I wanted, I drank huge smoothies all day and then had a dinner of rice and veggies, most days. But because I make so many raw vegan dessert recipes for my blog, I was also eating a lot of fat in the form of nuts and coconut oil. For the first two years of being vegan, I always felt great eating that much fat, but gradually I noticed if I had too many nuts in a day I’d feel bloated and groggy. I started cutting down a bit, and then I discovered 80/10/10! Well, actually I had read the book “80/10/10” when I first got into raw food, but I mostly just took away from it the fact that you should eat all fruit, and that played a role in my disordered eating for awhile. But now when I think of the term 80/10/10 I think of Raw Til 4. So I discovered Raw Til 4 and thought “Hey! This is pretty much what I am doing, but these people basically eat no fat and they eat more fruit and veg than I currently am. Let’s try this out!” It worked for a few months and I felt really good, but it was exhausting eating so MUCH all the time. I still eat a diet that is close to 80/10/10 or Raw Til 4, but on my own terms: fruit smoothies all day, then rice and veg for dinner. But I am not afraid to use coconut oil in stir-frys, or nuts in my raw vegan recipes! I love avocado, coconut, and all nuts and seeds! I feel great when I have small amounts of them in my diet. I think the only issues I might have with 80/10/10 or Raw Til 4 is that they could possibly create a fear of fat for some people, and in a broader way: it is a diet that tells you that there is something you shouldn’t eat. The problem with that is it can make you feel guilty for craving or eating that food, it doesn’t matter what it is. My motto is: do what works for you. Eat what makes you feel your best, and be conscious of the effects that your food has on everyone involved. I felt this way before I tried doing Raw Til 4, but I guess I kinda forgot it, and now I am back on track. Just do what works for you! Every body is different, just like every personality.

 Q: I LOVE your philosophy that food is fuel and our bodies are beautiful and that we should treat them with kindness. Say I was asking you for a quote to put above my bed that embodied this sentiment… know of any great ones?!

A: Any of these:

“Your body is as beautiful and unique as yourself. Love your body. Love yourself.”

“Every body is different, just like every personality. Celebrate you.”

“It doesn’t matter what you look like; it’s about how you FEEL and what you can DO with your body.”

“Ability is beauty.”

“You are special. No one has a body quite like yours, so cherish it.”

Q: Top 3 tips for people in recovery from eating disorders?

A: 1) Delete or ignore all the ads, websites, blogs, tumblrs, instagrams, and any other sources that promote only one body type. Some people are skinny, some people are are not. Some people have red hair, some people have blonde hair. Some people like brussel sprouts, some people don’t. We need to stop idolizing one body type and start celebrating the amazing diversity our biology provides. Think of your body as a functional tool, it doesn’t matter what you look like. It’s about how you FEEL and what you can DO with your body.

2) The society we live in is controlled by companies that benefit from you being unhappy. Give them the finger and give yourself a hug, because you’re gorgeous the way you are. Check out paintings, magazines, art, movies and photographs that celebrate curvy women and men that aren’t ridiculously ripped. These can be found from pretty much any time period until after the 60’s. If you are a girl and think you aren’t thin enough, consider the fact that Marilyn Monroe – the epitome of sexiness and beauty in the 50’s – would be a plus size model now. If you are a guy and think you aren’t muscular enough, check out mens bodies in films from decades past, and notice their natural lack of bulging biceps.

3) Go to nude beaches and look at all the glorious cellulite, curves, muscles, bulges, shapes, skin colours and facial features around you. Then look at yourself. You are beautiful. You are special. No one has a body quite like yours, so cherish it.

4) I know you just said 3 but this one is the most important: GET EDUCATED about body image and idolization in history, culture and society. If you are in high school, ask your teacher to cover the subject. If you are in university, take courses on sexuality, gender, and history. You will learn that the reasons for idolizing one body type have always been associated with the culture of the time. In the past when food was usually scarce, we admired curvy, pasty, light-skinned bodies because it meant those people were rich and had access too fine foods like sugar and white bread, and they didn’t have to work outside. Now we have been brainwashed into thinking ultra skinny girls and ultra muscular men are the only really beautiful bodies. This is because in “developed countries”, we have too MUCH access to rich foods (fast food and all processed food) so the majority of the population is overweight. Obesity is correlated with low-income. So again, we idolize thin and fit people because it implies they are wealthy. My point is: there is nothing intrinsically beautiful about any one body type. We only idolize certain body types throughout history and in culture because whatever body you have implies your social level. It’s not about JUST the body type, it’s really about affluence.

Q: I don’t know how familiar you are with my story, but I had to transition away from veganism because the restriction and idealism of the lifestyle (the way I was living it, at least) triggered my eating disorder. I have found mental clarity through introducing more foods into my diet… but of course I still have my original values in tact & eat as many plants as possible! Have you ever felt tied to veganism because of your blog? (I ask because I very much did.)

A: Yes, I have been hearing and seeing a lot about your decision and how you are doing now. I am very happy you have found a happy balance for yourself. I do feel tied to staying vegan because my blog depends on it, in a way. Having said that, although the pressure is there, it makes no practical difference since I have never thought about re-introducing animal products in my diet. I don’t want to die in order for someone to eat me for lunch, so it would be unfair for me to expect that of someone else.

Q: Tell us what a day in the life (and the eats!!) of Emily looks like versus what it did in the midst of your eating disorder.

A: In the worst period of my disordered eating, I would wake up, drink water, then go to school and not eat until lunch. I would have a sliced mango and some berries, or something similar. I’d come home, exercise for an hour, then have a plate of fruit. I don’t really remember what I did for dinner, but I often was so hungry that I’d eat whatever cooked vegan meal my mom made – she has always been very accommodating and now my parents eat mostly vegan all week – but then end up feeling guilty about it. I recall trying to throw up sometimes, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now I wake up, dance, workout, make a huge smoothie (often 5+ bananas with berries, nut milk and other yummy stuff), work on my blog (I spend many hours every day responding to emails, comments, questions, etc. – as a fellow blogger, you know what I mean!), then 4 days a week I go to school, although right now I am enjoying the last days of summer. 2-3 days per week days I will create, photograph and publish a recipe for my blog. I continue with my giant fruit smoothies all day, until dinner. Dinner is regularly a large bowl of grains and veggies. Often I eat raw or dark chocolate afterwards, or a raw dessert I have made. In general: I eat whatever I want. I don’t restrict anything, although I do moderate my fat intake because I honestly do feel best with just a little, most days. I listen to my body. On my last period, coconut butter tasted SO good one day, so I ate quite a lot. The next day, it wasn’t very appealing. I also sometimes get cravings for meat or eggs and in those cases I just eat extra iron, protein or B vitamins. No problem. Sometimes I want bread, so sometimes I eat bread, and so on and so on. I got my blood checked a few months ago and all was good. When I am not working on my blog, at university, exercising or making food; you can find me listening to records, dancing all night with my ladies, hugging my cat, hiking in the woods and mountains, writing in my journal, reading the classics, watching documentaries, enjoying bubble baths, trying to remember to live in the moment, and generally feeling wonderfully overwhelmed at the elegance of life. (But sometimes that wonderfulness backfires I need to be alone for awhile.) Oh, and I spend a lot of time with this amazing human being called Jack. We love each other a lot.

Q: Does blogging about food / exercise ever become triggering for you? If so, how do you maintain your balance and keep at it?

A: Not really, if anything, it keeps me even more honest and healthy. I strive to be transparent on my blog because it is a therapeutic and reflective tool for myself and I know it can help a lot of people out there who may be going through the same experiences as a vegan, female, or human in this crazy 21st century world. If I have issues, I talk about them. I love myself for what and who I am, and that person as well as that reasoning are reflected in my blog. People seem to really appreciate that so it becomes this positive cycle of me sharing myself, my readers supporting that, and then everyone just gets more enthused, excited and productive!

Q: Anything you’d like to add?

A: Thanks for this interview; it is helping me grow and learn about myself when I write this all out.

Thanks so much for stopping by TBB, Emily. I am honored to add your story to the Recovery series. Thoughts on Emily’s story? She rocks, right?! What is everyone up to this weekend?

It’s more of a free flow than my usual posts. I hope you enjoy. Happy Friday, lovelies.

Today I feel lucky. I feel lucky to have skin on my bones and to be present in this body and in this crazy, sweet, mystifying puzzle of life. I feel lucky to be rooted on this earth and to have the ability to walk, run, swim, bend and jump. I feel lucky to be surrounded by people who make my heart swell with love and who I can wrap my arms around and who make me smile until my face hurts. I feel lucky to have passions that ignite my soul and make me hustle through the day and make me ache for more. I feel lucky to wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night and dream about the wild and odd things that make my subconscious dance. I feel lucky to have fingers that can write and eyes that can see bright blades of grass and ears that can hear the rolling waves crashing into the shore. I feel lucky to have a drive that pushes me to seek newness and a heart that’s okay with the discomfort of the unknown. I feel lucky because sometimes I feel so full with love that my heart seeps happiness into my whole body, and even though life makes no sense I know in my soul that this universe is a beautiful place to exist.

I know I don’t always get it. I know I don’t always do things right. I panic over lost keys and I yell in traffic and I stress over things I can’t control. I get devastated about the evil things that go on in the world and I question what we are all really here for in the first place. I second guess myself and criticize and dwell on things I want to change. I don’t always choose the precious moments over the superficial ones, and sometimes I keep driving instead of deciding to hop out of my car at sunset to run onto the beach and take a dip in the waves.

But one thing I do know is that the more I let go of the questions and the unease and the fears and the striving for perfection and the preoccupation with things that are not in my control, I feel lucky. I feel calm. I let my heart make decisions that my mind is too programed into the specificities of humanness to make. When I let go I can just be and the world makes more sense and I am reminded that beauty in one single moment far outweighs sadness for any given stretch of time. My heart can buzz in tune with the earth and no matter what I am surrounded by I feel whole and complete.

I focus, I love, I receive, I listen to my heart and I reflect and I act on my impulses and I let the saltwater and the pen on the page heal me. I trust in myself and I believe that the universe holds a certain truth we may never know and may never need to know. To be happy; that is our purpose. And to love. To love a whole lot.

Today I feel lucky. Do you?

xx, Jordan