It’s been a while since I’ve sat down at my computer and had a total heart spill session on the blog, and I have to say — there is something on my mind this morning that makes for the perfect type of spill-your-guts-out post.

Ready? Let’s Do it. The difference between WELLNESS & OBSESSION. //

I have been seeing a lot of stuff flying around the blogosphere lately about the defining line between wellness blogs that promote a true healthy lifestyle & wellness blogs that promote… well… orthorexia, and/or taking it too far.

I also did an interview with a big media outlet in the UK this morning and was asked point blank several times how I thought my blog was different now than it was back in my The Blonde Vegan days when I was super orthorexic and juice cleansing every single week.

I was asked how I could possibly believe I was promoting “balance” without promoting “both ends” of the spectrum: exercise and wellness, and fast food and binging on chocolate. (Not balance in my opinion — but I will get to that in a sec…)

A photo from my truly obsessive orthorexic days… and if you want to read a serious orthorexic’s blog post — check this out. (Or don’t, if you think that will be triggering. I was CRAZY, YOU GUYS.)

I know the interviewer didn’t meant to imply that anything I do on The Balanced Blonde is promoting an unhealthy obsession with health and wellness, but I couldn’t help but feel like the question being posed to me was an indictor of a lack of understanding between the difference of orthorexia and a true, wellness-focused life.

And I’m not saying that the interviewer herself had a lack of understanding (she was awesome and very sweet), she was just asking an innocent question. I think it might be a lack of understanding in general about the vast differences between a severe case of orthorexia and a happy, healthy lifestyle rooted in wellness, organic choices, natural & unprocessed & non-GMO foods, movement and exercise, and wanting to feel my best.

Beyond the interview, I have seen a lot of opinions in the blogosphere itself lately about “food bloggers being too obsessed with food” and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle that way, also implying that all food bloggers who post a lot of healthy recipes & Snaps & IG stories of them eating are in a way risking their readers developing an orthorexic mindset about food.

The photo below is from yesterday at Lifehouse Tonics + Elixirs in West Hollywood — in my yoga clothes, totally & blissfully myself, so far beyond my unhealthy days of the past.

Here’s my opinion. //

First, I just want to get something straight. There is a huge, massive, glaring difference between the severe depths of an eating disorder and being passionate about health and wellness.

I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to develop a close relationship with Dr. Steven Bratman, the doctor who coined the term orthorexia. Yes, he *literally* invented the word and the notion of being too obsessed with healthy food. He also wrote the Foreword for my book about my orthorexia journey.

Dr. Bratman and I have greatly bonded over the fact that just because one has recovered from orthorexia (or remains in recovery) doesn’t mean that they can’t be passionate about a healthy lifestyle! We have both been targeted on several occasions for “still being TOO HEALTHY.”

Just because the pendulum swung too far one direction does not mean that someone in recovery isn’t allowed to care about exercise, organic food and natural products, feeling good & healthy & energized & well in their body, and all that amazing stuff that a true healthy lifestyle gifts us with.

I get it, there IS such a thing as being too obsessed with health. I was THERE. That’s why I know the difference of how I feel now (FREE from my obsessions !!) and how I was back then.

Kundalini life — one thing that has helped me begin to strengthen my spirituality & my intuition with myself. <3

I used to do 30 day juice cleanses and walk around New York City with blue lips and thinning hair and imbalanced hormones and zero energy because ALL I wanted was to be the “purest,” cleanest, healthiest, most rigid plant-based vegan there ever was.

But there is so much more to life than that. A HEALTHY life includes balance. Balance doesn’t mean eating fast food and binging on chocolate — at all. That is imbalanced also. Promoting that life would feel so beyond wrong to me when what I really want is for people to strike a balance between THAT and going too far.

It means indulging mindfully, learning to develop a relationship with your body, finding a spiritual practice so that you can connect to your core and your heart center and truly find YOUR happiest, healthiest self.

And the wellness blogger thing. //

Beyond the differentiation between orthorexia and a passion for wellness, I think that the implication that all wellness bloggers are promoting orthorexia is just silly.

I do acknowledge that when people are suffering from orthorexia (and often they don’t know it at the time) and they are blogging about food and health and exercise… they can start to promote something pretty unhealthy. I see it every day. Mainly with a TON of plant-based vegan (or paleo or any labeled diet really) YouTubers, Instagrammers, etc.

That can get extreme and I think as readers and consumers of information, it’s our job and our duty to take care of ourselves and know what we can and cannot handle in terms of following people and consuming their content.

But for your general, run of the mill, inspirational wellness or fitness blogger — those people are notttt promoting orthorexia, in my opinion. They are promoting balance! Giving us all options for healthier versions of treats we love, fun ways to incorporate exercise into our lives, and inspiration to find our healthiest selves.

This. From The Balanced Blonde Podcast, Episode 16 with the AMAZING Emily Nolan.

I follow other wellness food bloggers like nobody’s business, and support them like no other. It ain’t easy to come up with new healthy recipes every day.

I also follow fitness bloggers and Instagrammers who some people might view as extreme with their workouts — but I personally find their dedication inspiring and I know that at this time and place in my life, I can handle consuming their content without feeling like I personally have to workout the exact same way that they do.

It’s just inspiration!

It’s just the INTERNET.

We all have a voice on here, and it can get a little loud & crazy — so if you ever feel triggered by someone’s information and content, then it is YOUR job and your right to unfollow them or pay less attention to what they’re doing.

Ya feel me?

I think it’s amazing what wellness bloggers do to create awareness and community around healthy lifestyle.

There is a HUUUGE difference between a healthy life and an orthorexic life that has gone way too far.

I actually think people suffering from orthorexia can get great benefit, motivation and inspiration from wellness bloggers who are promoting a balanced approach to health: healthy food, mindful exercise, having fun in the kitchen, incorporating variety, etc.

What do you guys think?! //

I am so intrigued to hear what your opinion on the subject is!

I am so inspired by other wellness bloggers in the space. I think we all work really hard to raise awareness & concern for natural, organic foods and products, and also for a lifestyle rooted in exercise and health.

I think we also work really hard not to give our readers the wrong impression.

I don’t live a perfectly balanced life — that’s the fun of being a human. I strive for it every day and that STRIVING is what I choose to share.

Friends of mine like the amazing Lee From America (on yesterday’s podcast episode!! CHECK IT OUT!), Rachel Mansfield (check out our NYC EVENT together on April 24th!!!), Jeannette Ogden, Christina Rice (my amazing assistant and VERY TALENTED blogger + writer) and so many others have spoken out about their journeys with everything from over exercising to hormone imbalances to eating disorder recovery — in hopes of sharing INSPIRATION for others in the same boat.

With my gorgeous human Lee, on this week’s episode of TBB Podcast, discussing all things BALANCE !! (Real balance.)

So let’s choose to be inspired & consume content that inspires us on the daily.

Instead of tearing wellness bloggers down and/or confusing a healthy, happy life with something that has gone way too far.

We will help our friends and readers in recovery so much more if we remain authentic to who we are at our core and support one another in the process.

ALL MY LOVE !! Let me know your thoughts my gorgeous angels!! Have you experienced anything similar? People with orthorexia or in recovery, have you ever felt challenged to find that balance? XX

There is the paleo crowd, the vegan crew (we know I know about dat), vegetarianism, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, soy-free (estrogen probs- I get it), IIFYM (if it fits your macros), macrobiotics, intuitive eating, eating whatever you want in balance and moderation, a protein-rich diet, low-carb, no carb, high carb, low fat, high fat, ketosis, Ayurvedic, raw, cooked, metabolism balancing, blah, blah & BLAH.

I’m not saying that some or any of these diet or lifestyle choices are not worth looking into. I just think that when it comes to LABELS, they’re all such an easy way to get trapped & to stop listening to our bodies.

We are ALWAYS changing & evolving — veganism might feel amazing one day, and really radically not awesome to you the next.

So I am going to propose a new and very alternative way of thinking… just listening to our bodies & eating well to feel great, plain and simple.

That doesn’t necessarily mean eating intuitively, because sometimes my intuition tells me I want a massive almond milk latte 10x a day and a gluten-free donut for dinner. Sounds delish, but realistically I know that’s not going to make me feel my best. I know I need food that is going to satiate and sustain me, and won’t make my stomach feel yuck when I wake up in the morning. I also know that as much as I love coffee, I really have to keep my intake to a bare minimum so that it doesn’t hurt my tum or make me feel like a zinged out psycho.

BUT on the flip side, I believe we should listen to our bodies. We should enjoy what we are putting into our mouths. That’s why I would never nix coffee completely, because I really do love it, and having some coffee in the morning is a part of my beloved routine that makes me feel happiest and most productive.

Food should have life force / Prana!

In yoga, we believe that food should have as much life force as possible, a.k.a PRANA. Prana means universal life force, or energy. If you choke down a cayenne lemon agave water every morning because it seems healthier than a big cup o’ joe but you actually hate the taste, you’re not really practicing prana. Food cannot bring you the valid life force you need if you don’t enjoy what you are consuming!

So if you love something, find the version of it that has the most prana. Genetically modified coffee with sugary whole milk from a corporate chain like McDonald’s probably isn’t the way to go (unless that’s your favorite thing in the universe so you choose it as a treat every so often).

Instead I personally choose organic, locally made cold brew with a splash of almond milk (healthy fats to help me absorb the acid) and some cinnamon to balance my blood sugar. And when I do drink tea, because I also love it, I choose organic and herb-filled brands that I know will have a benefit for my gut, mind, and taste buds.

Same with solid food! Technically, meat doesn’t have a whole lot of prana because obviously the animals we eat are no longer alive. But that doesn’t mean that we CAN’T eat meat ever. It just means that we should be mindful of where we get our meat from. Again, locally, sustainably-raised, organic, grass-fed meat has a lot more life force that factory farmed meat where the animals were treated terribly.

And then we can balance out that meat intake with super life force charged foods like organic veggies, legumes, grains, nuts, fruits and food from the earth that fo SHO is full of nutrients. And even then if we cook those veggies and let them sit in our refrigerator for a week, they will lose some of that life force.

And trust me I’m not trying to go all totally hippie dippie on you. The prana example is only one example of what I am talking about.

Food that has life force gives us what we need from it: fuel, enjoyment, energy, satiety, nourishment. That is what we should be going for with the foods that we eat!

Eating well to FEEEL well:

As someone who has been all over the board with food- the MAIN thing that has helped me stay true to eating well for my body is by thinking about how I will feel after what I put into my mouth.

I used to eat way too little for my body, I now know that. And I was always hungry. I was so envious of people who I would eat meals with, watching them eat their food and knowing they were going to be satiated and fueled after eating it. I knew they were doing what they were supposed to be doing — eating something that sounded good to them in that moment, and eating enough of it so that it served as a full meal. Duh.

Well I, unfortunately, had a lot of trouble doing that for a long time. I was afraid of being too full or eating something that was too “unhealthy” or big in portion. Instead, I usually opted for kale salads at restaurants or small cups of soup. Then I was usually ravenous for a snack, and then usually ravenous for the next meal.

But never ate enough at any given time to make that satiety happen.

I also went through phases where I did just the opposite. Where I starved my body for so long that there was NO way I was going to be able to eat a decent sized meal for dinner or lunch or even breakfast… and I would eat and eat to the point of feeling really sick.

If we choose foods with the intention of feeling GOOD and energized after we eat them, it’s an amazing way to put all of those other issues to rest.

I have been so proud of myself lately for actually EATING at my lunch meetings & dinners out with friends. I used to be so, so fearful of eating a full meal when I wasn’t completely hungry for it, that I would deprive myself but then be starving afterward. It’s not a way to live. And that was pretty far into my eating disorder recovery when I felt pretty much back to normal in almost every other way.

( BTW THE BOOK Always Hungry? by David Ludwig is a current fave of mine that is really helping with all of this too! )

Also, I LOOOOVE smoothies but I know they don’t always make me feel great afterward. All of the roughage and the combo of ingredients don’t feel too great on my tummy these days, so I only drink them sparingly or when I am feeling calm and balanced enough that I think my stomach can handle it. (And to think — for years I drank them every morning of my life.)

Lately I’ve been all about the cooked food and Ayurvedic meals… Specifically kitchari. And with all of the yoga, running and detox my body has been going through — I have needed some extra fuel to feel my best. I am not afraid of eating whatever my body seems to need on a given day… And switching it up! Which brings me to my next point.

Don’t be afraid to switch it up!

I see this issue time and again with friends of mine who are recovering from orthorexia or eating issues like myself. And trust me, I’ve experienced this prob to the millionth degree until I finally let it go and saw the damage it was doing.

You can’t be afraid to switch things up!

Just because a smoothie, eggs, and grilled chicken worked for you one day, in that specific order, doesn’t mean that’s what you have to have the next day.

I have been switching up my meals more than ever lately. Plant-based one day, protein-heavy the next, and everything in between. My body seems to thrive on a wider variety of foods versus super slim, as long as they have that life force quality I was talking about.

Switching it up also makes food more FUN… Which is what we are all going for in the first place anyway, isn’t it?

Actually enjoying what we put it into our bods!

Trying fun healthy restaurants, letting food be the social, fun way to connect that it’s supposed to be, and being creative in the kitchen are all things you miss out on when you are too afraid to switch up your diet. #beeenthereeee

Lil’ Overview:

1. You want your food to have LIFE FORCE so that it gives you the energy and burst of nourishment that you so deserve & thrive off of. <3
2. Eat well to feel well — if you know you will feel great after you eat something, eat it! If you are unsure, then maybe choose something else. But don’t use this as a tool to deprive– simply remember that your ultimate goal is to feel your best and be the healthiest version of yourself!
3. Eat what you LIKE, because that’s always going to have the most life force & good energy.
4. Have fun switching things up, and let food be a fun way to connect with people and yourself.
5. Don’t beat yourself up if you have an off day… They happen ALL the time.

There we have it, babes. My current balanced outlook on this foodie life — WHILE being a total wellness fanatic but never wanting to forego the balance and moderation that makes me so happy.

Then I sat down at my computer & opened a newsletter email from the FAB Isabel Foxen Duke — follow her if you don’t, she’s incredible — and the email was all about food freedom. The difference between having real, food freedom style self-control and forcing self-control yet feeling like a bottomless pit of hunger all the time and/or binging your face off.

And in that very moment, just 5 minutes ago, something hit me.

I feel TOTAL, complete, 100 million percent freedom from food. Most days lately, at least — and I am considering that a major win.

Let me tell you: DAMN, does it feel good.

I’ve been on the road to feeling this way for a while. Clearly you guys know I suffered from severe orthorexia, because I was very open about it (if you don’t know, you can read all about it here… Like, ALL about it). That was now 2, 3 and 4 years ago, respectively to each stage of the eating disorder.

I’ve been “recovered” for 2 years. But I have stomach problems, and food intolerances, and have had all sort of gastrointestinal, hormone, cortisol, skin, blood sugar and SIBO issues post-eating disorder that left it pretty hard to be “lax” about food.

So even in my recovery, even with all of the food freedom I allowed myself after those strict plant-based, juice cleanse obsessed years, I struggled. Heck, I even struggled on my recent family vaycay to Kauai because it’s still hard for me to be out of my routine & maintain the food freedom I have fought so hard for… with no access to a kitchen or any restaurant that I am used to.

But guess what? That’s okay.

I know what works for me, and I know what I need in order to feel good, healthy, energized, fueled, satiated, and most importantly HAPPY when it comes to food and life overall.

And after being disconnected to that for longer than I believe anyone should ever have to be disconnected from their body, it is an amazing feeling to have that freedom. That connection between my mind and body. The confidence that comes along with treating my body well, seeing the physical results, and being so damn proud of myself for making it to this point.

My healthy, happy, active, strong, free, confident bod & self that I love so much. <3

How did I get to this point?

Well gee whiz THAT will be a book in itself… but I do believe there are a few quick things I can share with you guys in this moment that will explain how I got here, and will hopefully help you too if you’re on the journey toward freedom with food, or freedom from ANY extreme diet or relationship with food. Let’s see here.

1. Paying attention to how I FEEL rather than how I look. When you listen to your body, it’s hard to go wrong. Now the working up to listening to your body and not letting all of your other thoughts and issues with food get in the way, that’s the real work. Every day ask yourself, how do I feel today? Do I need some extra energy from food to get through a tough workout? Am I legitimately hungry right now, or do I just feel deprived from all the recent deprivation I’ve inflicted on myself? Is that a real craving that I should satiate, or is that my body’s blood sugar response to the food that I ate (or didn’t eat) earlier today? Do I feel like an ultra healthy green shake for breakfast because my body WANTS it, or because that’s what I think I should be having? Those are all questions I’ve asked myself a LOT throughout my recovery… And when I am truly in tune with my body, I can answer those questions seamlessly. When I’m stuck in my head… I can convince myself that the kale salad with tempeh for every meal is DEFINITELY the way to go. The next tip will hopefully help you get out of your head, and INTO your body.
2. Be active. Challenge your body’s activity level on a daily basis. Break a sweat. Set (attainable) fitness-related goals. This, I believe, is the number one thing that has personally helped me find true recovery from my eating disordered mentality. I know that everyone’s mentality throughout recovery is different, so take this with a grain of salt. I’m an active person: 4-5 times a week I do HIIT, I train for half marathons / marathons, I do a lot of yoga, I walk everywhere I can. It’s taken me years to learn and accept that that is not a BAD thing… It is not unhealthy to care and be extremely passionate about my physical fitness. Exercise makes me feel strong — mentally and physically. It’s incredible for my anxiety, it has introduced me to some of the best people in my life, and it has been the #1 factor in my journey toward food freedom because with the fitness goals that I have, I MUST feed myself properly. I must balance my meals, eat enough carbs, eat enough protein and fat, get adequate rest, take rest days, etc. Being a very active person has been a saving grace in my life… and I find that when I am less active, I am less motivated to be kind to my body. In my own ED-trained mind, being less active becomes an excuse to eat less (sometimes far less) and get really strict with myself about meals / mealtimes. Being active is my freedom; it’s opened my eyes to a world of “eating like an athlete” to take CARE of my body and do something KIND for my body. It reminds me that my body and brain are one; we are in this as a team — in it together! I love that.That one time I ran a marathon.
   
3. Finding what works for ME when it comes to balancing control, awareness, and intuitive eating. This is a controversial topic in the recovery world. Eating intuitively versus having a labeled diet versus throwing caution to the wind and giving in to anything that FEELS like a craving. I’ve done it all. I find that what works for ME personally is reeling in the control and being very aware of what I am putting into my body. Lately I have been dabbling in the “IIFYM” (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle, and I swear it has been the final push to my feeling truly, abundantly comfortable with and around food. I think the lifestyle works for me because I am so active — if I wasn’t, it might feel like a chore or obsession to log my daily macronutrients (protein, fat, carbs) and pay so much attention to them. Instead, it’s been so FREEING. I have been reintroducing so many new things into my diet like gluten-free bread, lots of sweet potatoes, rice cereal, quinoa, etc. I never really cut those out before, but I was just not a big carb girl. I was super into the protein life, and the veggie life of course, post-veganism. I am not attaching myself too rigidly to the “IIFYM” label — because it is NOTTT my label by any means, but it is a great baseline to make sure my protein, carbs, fat, fiber, etc. are balanced within my meals throughout the day. I have been eating MORE ever since logging my macronutrients, because I saw that I was not really getting enough calories, protein, or carbs for the amount of physical activity that I do… Which was of course leading to cravings, tiredness, and that constant wondering “I eat SO well… Why do I still feel like sh*t sometimes?”
4. Realizing that the more I allow myself to eat foods that I enjoy and WANT to have, the more normal I feel; and the less “starving” I feel. I liked being a clean eating junkie. I loved it. Obviously, it’s still a big part of my life. But you can’t always be the girl who orders veggies and lentils when you’re out to dinner. And you can’t always be the girl who had a protein shake at home before the party and doesn’t even touch the hors devours. But now with this whole “IIFYM” thing (if you don’t know what this lifestyle is, I’m happy to do a whole post on it or even a series of YouTube vids!) I am really opening up to a lot more variety. Toast with my eggs. Sweet potatoes with my toast. Chicken with my veggie omelette. Protein bars for a snack rather than for a meal. It’s so, so, so freeing. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy it, and how much more down to earth (mentally) & satiated (physically) I have felt since beginning it. Really crazy, as I thought I already had that balance thing down before I began counting my macronutrients… but there is always room for improvement. (FYI — counting anything when it comes to nutrients, calories, macros, may be the exact OPPOSITE of what you need to find food freedom… but this absolutely did work for me. We are all so diff!).
5. Feeling happy, confident, sexy & incredibly happy in my own body. This can be a hard thing to do post-eating disorder, especially if you weren’t eating a lot and got compliments all the time for “being so thin.” Well, guys, let me tell you: after the rollercoaster of eating whatever I wanted post-eating disorder, being sort of restrictive again and again afterward, and finally finding a balance in between… you CAN find a happy medium where you feel amazing in  your body, HEALTHY in your body, without feeling deprived and also without feeling like a bloated whale. For me, this is where exercise, healthy choices, passion for wellness, counting macros, and eating for how I FEEL comes into play. You’re allowed to want to love the reflection in the mirror. Every SINGLE person in this world deserves that. And I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, I love, love, love the person staring back at me. The body, the strength, the confidence, but most of all… The look in my eyes, that says, “Yeah, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve learned a lot. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m happy now, and I’ve got this. Not every day is perfect, and that’s the beauty of it. I trust myself, no matter the decisions I make, and I am awesome.”

Seriously. I speak to myself with that much sweetness & lovingness. THAT is the difference. I trust myself, I am so happy & never again will I get stuck in the cycle of getting down on myself for a “bad” food decision or the extra few pounds that will inevitably come and go for the rest of my lifetime.

Another thing that’s helped me with that? Seeing that some of my favorite people to be around, admire & follow; some of the most captivating, sexy, INCREDIBLE individuals that I know — do not have traditionally “perfect” bodies. In fact, they have many flaws. And in my eyes, they’re beautiful. I’d choose being around them over people with said perfect bodies any day — because what this whole LIFE thing is about, is personality. Kindness. Loveliness. Oh, and I know people with perfect bodies who are awesome too — and they too have had their roads & journeys to find their inner confidence. They don’t see themselves as perfect. Not many people do, but we all should.

One of my favorite YouTube channels to watch lately is Brittany Dawn Fitness. She has inspired me to try the “IIFYM” lifestyle and take it seriously instead of writing it off as some gimmicky fad like so many of the labeled diets are out there. The awesome thing about IIFYM is that it’s also known as FLEXIBLE DIETING… An incredible tool and resource for people post-eating disorder.

Also, as I mentioned, Isabel Foxen Duke is an incredible food freedom warrior & resource. You’ll love her stuff if you haven’t checked it out.

AND my dear friend & soul sister Emily Nolan also inspired me, with this incredible blog post about her wakeup call to find the balance between embracing body positivity & truly being, feeling, and radiating the healthiest version of herself. Ultimately, accepting that she would like to be healthier so she can enjoy her LIFE to the fullest, while also loving herself & being kind to her body through the entire process.

As you can see, I’m inspired by women from fitness competitors to ex-fitness competitors to dear friends seeking balance to people who have never set foot inside of a gym. I am attracted to passion, realness, personality, confidence, acceptance, and the road that it takes to get there. I am attracted to people who have been through something… Who don’t throw in the towel when life gets complicated AF.

You’ve got this. We’ve all got this. You deserve food freedom, and you deserve to look in the mirror and be madly in love with everything about the person staring back at you.

What do you think, loves? Happy to write more about this if it resonated with you… I hadn’t written about recovery or food freedom in a while, but MAN did I feel inspired to today! <3 XO 

Wow. I can’t tell you guys how excited I am about this feature, and not just because it’s my first ever full-page spread in a magazine that I legitimately read cover to cover every single month. I am excited about this story for reasons far beyond the pages themselves.

When my book came out, my story was all over the news. I flipped open magazines, newspapers, tabloids, you name it — and I was either being misquoted, misrepresented or the interview itself was exaggerated to the point where it was no longer authentic to who I was. I also had that experience on super reputable talk shows and in interviews of mine on international news sites. Can you say disheartening?! I was pretty fed up with the media at that point, and was sort of afraid to share my story in another super public place (other than my blog) because of the sensationalizing of my orthorexia journey and the subsequent backlash from the vegan community.

And then along comes SELF Magazine. Around that time, actually in the very thick of the madness, a darling projects director from SELF reached out to see whether I would be interested in being in a story for their Jan/Feb issue about body image. My answer was a no-brainer “YES!!!!” but because of the craziness that was going on with my story in the media at that time I can’t say I wasn’t a little nervous about how I might be represented.

But from the moment I started interacting with their team I could tell that this story was going to be authentic through and through. Everyone I interacted with before, during and after the shoot and interview was beyond pleasant, super intelligent and clear about what they wanted with the story, and above all– they were GENUINE. I could tell immediately from the vibe of the situation that this was going to be a good experience.

What I didn’t realize is that this was going to pretty much end up being one of the Top 5 coolest experiences of my life. When my mom and I showed up to set on that rainy mid-autumn day in November (and yes, I was still shaking with anxiety about some ridiculous headlines circulating about me online, and tens and thousands of death threats flooding into my email inbox), the energy and supportive environment of the SELF crew was ON POINT.

I got to wear some of the coolest clothes that have ever graced my body (you guys know I usually stick to the basics… and by basics, I mean 95% activewear, 5% yes-this-is-cozy-and-yes-I’m-wearing-it-at-a-bar), had the coolest hairstyle I have ever rocked, got my nails/toes/makeup done: the works. It was awesome.

And to top it all off, I got to decide which yoga poses I did in on camera, AND the photographer was super supportive (even when I was falling down) and was ridiculously fun to work with. I had a great conversation with the writer of the story and I knew that she was going to capture what I really wanted to say… that balance is so, so worth it and that it’s something we are all unbelievably capable of.

Beyond the day itself, the story turned out SO BEAUTIFULLY. I have read it and re-read it nearly 25 times at this point, because it is so well done and I want to keep on soaking in the knowledge that the other awesome wellness babes shared in the piece. There is also a poll about what women really think about their bodies that compiles responses from actual SELF readers, and the imagery is stunning. Stunning!

I was honored to be featured among gorgeous sisters and models Chelsea & Alyssa Miller, and NYC personal trainer and dancer Nicole Winhoffer (aka MADONNA’s personal trainer).

To celebrate the release of this story, on stands from now through the end of February, SELF asked us all to share why we are proud of our bodies. So let me tell you why I am.

Why I’m Proud of My Body…

I am proud of my body because although I have put it through so much, it is the vessel for which everything in my life takes place, it houses my soul and everything I am passionate about, and it has maintained its strength despite my past attempts to make it weak. I restricted my food intake, I overexercised, I drank a lot of alcohol and took a lot of Adderall. I have had countless sleepless nights, and I let my vitamin deficiencies get incredibly low. And even when I tried to punish my stomach for having so many intolerances and food allergies, it continued to try to heal itself each and every day, and it gave me all of the signs and symptoms I needed in order to wake up and realize that I needed to be kinder to myself.

Now that I have chosen the balanced path, the kind path, the path in which I have put in the effort and the work to befriend my body and treat it like I would treat my very best friend — it has accepted me wholeheartedly. My body never fought back when I decided it was time to recover. Yes, I put my body through the wringer again when I started eating foods I hadn’t eaten in 10 years, and then took pills to try to reverse the stomach pains that I got from eating so many new things, and even still it continued to heal.

Now, now that food is so much less of an issue and I have learned how to balance my blood sugar, keep my hormones stable and treat my body well without over-exhausting myself on the daily (okay, I still do that), I can do the real work of practicing self-love, self-care, and telling my body how WORTH IT and how beautiful it is. My body is allowing me to train for my very first marathon, and carries me through 17-mile training runs even when it starts to get fatigued. Its getting used to the variety with food and to the abundance of nourishment instead of deprivation, and it thrives off of it. I get weekly massages, facials, do a lot of yoga, go to cryotherapy, take exceptionally long bubble baths, I meditate, and I BREATHE. I treat my body well and I invest in all the good, healthy, nourishing things that my body needs in order to flourish.

Our body isn’t just our outer shell. It’s our psyche, our mind, our spirit. I don’t take that for granted like I once did, and I don’t separate them anymore either. I understand that in order for my body to perform at its best and to FEEL its best, I have to treat myself well from the inside out. I don’t say negative things about myself (unless I’m joking around — I can’t reverse my self-deprecating humor), and I don’t allow other people to criticize me for things that I happen to love about myself.

2014 and 2015 were my years of recovery, and 2016 is my year to thrive. I can’t wait to see the leaps and bounds that my wellness journey takes this year, and I can’t wait to see which challenges I am able to take on with ease that once were difficult for me because of my tendency toward the utmost extremes. I am always about challenging myself, evolving, growing, and never allowing my heart, body or soul to remain static or in one place. This is my year to focus on what I really love and what really drives me, and my body is going to be an essential force in bringing that goal to life. That means getting enough good sleep, rest, hydration, exercise, relationships, organization, passion projects and more.

Thank you body, for your resiliency. Thank you for believing in me when the rest of me didn’t. Thank you for staying strong and for radiating on the outside exactly who I am on the inside.

And thank you to SELF MAGAZINE for the incredible feature and your beyond inspirational shift in covering athletic, mindful, powerhouse women in your magazine. That admirability is not lost on me! Those are the kinds of women I want to read about, anyway.

Has anyone checked out the magazine yet?! Badass Alex Morgan is on the cover. Which reminds me of another super exciting thing also related to Conde Nast that I will be releasing to you guys in a matter of days… Ah! Get excited. I think you will love this article, especially if you like what I write about on the blog. It’s full of insightful info and advice from fantastic, real, down to earth, kick ass, beautiful women. TBB, over and out! Xo

Plus, I typically reserve that type of coverage for my email newsletter because if I wrote about everything I wanted to cover here on the blog, I would basically be putting out 25 posts a day. Impossible. But if there is a person or source of information I feel like you guys should really know about, then I will cast aside my regular topics and shout about it from the rooftops. Today is one of those days.

Today I’m going to tell you about the fab MADDY MOON. You may recognize her from when she was our TBV Babe of the Week back in April, or from when I appeared on her podcast the first time, or from when we were on ABC News together, or from her own super inspirational Instagram account, website or podcast!

She has interviewed some of my absolute favorites in the wellness and intuitive eating spaces including my girls Andie Mitchell, Alex Jamieson & Isabel Foxen Duke — to name a few!

And before I go on and on and on (because I fully intend on doing that), I want to link you straight to our brand new podcast episode together, all about Breaking Vegan, our orthorexia journeys, how they parallel (spoiler alert: so many ways!!!), our relationship toward food now, and why we both are simply too extreme to label our diets ever again… Even though we are both tempted to far too often!

Behind the scenes…

Beyond the podcast episode, I want to tell you a little bit about why Maddy is amazing. She and I have yet to even meet in person, but from the very beginning she has been nothing but extremely supportive of my journey. Not only does she show support publicly, which is AWESOME, especially with her recent review on my Amazon book page that stands up to the many hundreds of mean comments I have gotten from angry people who have not read my book; but she also shows support to me privately. She asks if I am doing okay, she reminds me that she always has my back, she sends sweet texts, and has offered many times for me to give her a call whenever I am having a rough time.

She is what I call a TRUE BLUE friend, and if there is one thing in this universe that I like to collect… It’s those types of unconditional, deeply rooted friendships.

Not to mention, my schedule has been wacky this season and I had to reschedule with Maddy twice and sort of left her hanging on the Internet waiting for me to get on to record with her… And she could not have been more gracious and understanding. So, um, can there be more people in the world as kind and good-hearted as her?

I want you to listen to the podcast so I am not going to keep rambling on, but I will leave you with this beautiful section from one of Maddy’s recent blog posts, because it resonated with me SO MUCH. I think it will resonate with any of you who have been in a restrictive or orthorexic cycle like she and I both have:

An excerpt from Maddy’s post: What I Learned From My Recent Binge

One of the reasons why I was so hesitant to recover from orthorexia a few years ago was because, plain and simple, I was good at it.

I was good at restricting. I was good at making myself small. I was excellent at telling people how to diet and lose weight.

When I went out to eat with friends more times than not people would say to me, “Don’t judge me but I’m going to order a burger!”

^ The whole post in itself is extremely well-written, but that part more than anything hit really close to home for me. I too was very good at restricting my food intake. I loved my food rules. I thrived off of the rules. My friends apologized to me for eating non-vegan food around me… And while I never wanted anyone else to feel uncomfortable for what they chose to eat, I was “that girl.” The health-obsessed, plant-based, healthy blogging, super fit, juice cleansing friend. That was me.

On that note, I’ll let you listen to our podcast. Kick back, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and dive on in, because it’s 56 minutes of great conversation.

BTW, join me in using my latest hashtag #BackInBalance to get some hype going for living the balanced life around the holidays. Fun stuff to come with the hashtag as the season goes on… So get excited and join in!

Some of the books came in the mail yesterday and the rest are arriving today… Meaning that people like my MOM, my BEST FRIENDS, my SISTER, my BROTHER IN LAW, my BOOK PHOTOGRAPHER (slash good friend Ty Ty), and my AGENT (oh, and ME!) are reading it for the very, very first time. Well, my agent saw it through the whole process, but my family and friends hadn’t read one single word of the book until some of them received it yesterday. I have kept nearly everything about it a huge secret to them, and it is astoundingly thrilling to think that they are able to see it now and read what I’ve been working on for the last year and a half.

EEK!!!!! The book on my sister’s counter!! UNREAL VISION.

So, this is where you guys come in. With only a month and a half until the release of the book, preorders are SUUUUPERRR important. Some of the big outlets & book stores are placing their orders this week and next, and their orders ALL depend on the amount of preorders that are received. Plus, a preordered book is about $6.00 less than it will be when the book is actually out in November. Save yourself a few bucks, be one of the first to get it in your hands, ensure that you get one before it (maybe) goes into backorder, and help a sista out who is wildly excited to share her book/baby with the world!!!

This has to be said: I would not be here, at ALL, without you guys. If you didn’t read my blog, support my story, value the messages of balance/wellness/nutrition/authenticity/taking care of ourselves/finding HAPPINESS in our bodies and lives, then there is no way I would have had the opportunity to write this book and get it published. Massive thanks to those of you who have been along for the ride with me, and to those of you who are just finding this blog now, ALL of you who made your way to this little corner of the web: THANK YOU.

Thanks for helping make my dreams come true– and I will keep on making it my mission to bring you guys content that you love and answer as many questions and get to as many topics as I can for this bloggy for FREEE (duh) so that when you do support me by buying my book it’s like an investment in tons of free content on top of it, hehe.

To thank you all for your immense support, I am hosting a giveaway for people who send me their preorder receipts. (Just email them to me at thebalancedblonde@gmail.com)!!!

G I V E A W A Y !!! For TWOOOOO lucky winners, whom I will choose on Friday afternoon!

I am giving away 2 TBV APPAREL TEES of your choice. Check out the line here!!!!

1 CASE OF SUJA JUICE

2 BOXES OF LIQUID IV healthy hydration supplement!

1 JAR OF PHILOSOPHIE CACAO COCONUT BUTTER + 1 JAR OF PHILOSOPHIE MANUKA HONEY (….otherwise known as, the healthy version of crack cocaine.)

To enter, all you need to do is PREORDER the book here & email me your receipt!!!! So grateful. So stoked for all of you to read this. Like beyond stoked. Never been so excited about something in my lifetime.

ALSO!!!! The book is #1 in the Eating Disorder Self-Help category on Amazon right now! If it stays there until Friday, I will release a recipe photo and recipe from the book on the bloggy along with the winning names!! Woooo!!!

XOXOXO

Jordan

Here’s a particularly exciting photo from one of my NYC adventures if you haven’t seen this on Instagram yet! At Carrie’s CALIA NYFW show!

Okay, I’ll admit. It’s all been really fun. But I sure do love blogging and it makes my heart happy to have chill time in front of the computer & connect with all of you, so I am looking forward to live settling down a little bit in the next months so I can blog it out and bring you guys new recipes, how-to’s, videos, etc.

Oh, speaking of videos… I have a real good one for you guys today. Once that I hope will answer a lot of questions and clear up quite a bit when it comes to that interesting lil’ subject of orthorexia.

Before I came forward on the bloggy about my struggle with orthorexia, I had no idea that the disorder was such a little-known phenomenon. I discovered orthorexia when I was frantically searching the web one night to see if anyone else felt the way that I did when it came to food fears & obsessions with health, dietary label and restriction… And then found the Wikipedia definition of orthorexia that wound up quite swiftly changing my life… a lot.

Now, a year and a half later, a lot has changed. I’ve written a book about my transition from veganism and my orthorexia recovery, Breaking Vegan, that will be out this November. (YEAH!) I also write about eating disorder recovery on the bloggy now and have had the opportunity to connect with people all over the world (you guys!!!) who are also suffering. Hearing your stories and having that support system has helped me greatly, and I feel very lucky to have a platform where I am able to connect and communicate with people who understand.

Because of the amount of questions and confusion that I get about orthorexia on a daily basis (I get it, it can be confusing before you learn about it!), I have put together this handy dandy YouTube video to answer the most commonly asked questions. The video is titled “10 Things You Should Know About Orthorexia,” and I hope it sheds some light on the disorder for you. If you are suffering from orthorexia, or know someone who is, you are not alone. There is help out there, and there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. It’s all about recognizing the problem so you can start to heal from the inside out!

10 Things You Should Know About Orthorexia video!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTqQiYSjl2s

The List…

(Compiled by moi, edited by my fab book editor Amanda Waddell & with lots of great input and support from Dr. Steven Bratman, as always)

1. Orthorexia is a serious disorder and indicates an unhealthy obsession with “correct diet.” The term was coined in 1996 by Dr. Steven Bratman and many experts are working on getting it officially recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

2. The disorder is often brought on or triggered by restrictive dietary theories, as part of a lifestyle almost singularly focused on health.

3. Behaviors to look out for are anything extreme when it comes to diet. “Clean eating,” “pure foods,” “veganism,” “raw foods,” “paleo,” and so on are all perfectly fine (and healthy) lifestyles to follow – it’s only when such things are taken too far that there may be cause for concern. This includes, but is not limited to: severe restriction of calories, fear and anxiety regarding “impure” or “off-limit” foods, and a near-constant focus on diet and health.

4. Orthorexia is not about saying that any one diet ir wrong or right, i’s about the fact that some people take whatever their dietary theory is to unhealthy extremes. We must accept that everyone is different and allow room for that.

5. Orthorexia is occasionally intertwined with elements of other eating disorders, such as anorexia, binge eating, bulimia and more, but it certainly doesn’t have to be. It often stands on its own as well, and can develop over years or even months.

6. It can be as hard for a person with orthorexia to relax about diet as it is for an addict to give up drugs or alcohol. One of the signs that orthorexia has developed is that the dietary theory followed by that person takes on a life of its own; even if a person wants to lighten up and “eat more protein,” for example, they may feel unable to do so.

7. Many people with orthorexia also go to extremes with exercise, not necessarily to lose weight, but in a quest to optimize their health. Athletes may develop orthorexia in a quest for optimum sports performance, only to find that they have become entrapped in a restrictive dietary theory that impairs their performance.

8. The effects of orthorexia can range from person to person. I lost my period, developed several nutritional deficiencies, had bacterial overgrowths, lost my digestive enzymes, and have had to work extremely hard to get back to health again in many ways.

9. Orthorexia can affect anyone. Teenage girls, especially vegans, are particularly susceptible, but the disorder has no one “type” of sufferer. Some naysayers may classify it as a “first world problem,” meaning that it is a problem that only afflicts a certain socio-economic group. But it is important to remember that everyone has their own journey and the struggle can develop into a life threatening disorder which must be taken seriously.

10. There is no ONE DIET that is the healthiest under the sun and don’t let anyone’s “research” trick you into thinking that. Every body is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Orthorexia awareness is not synonymous at ALL with “anti-health,” but with BALANCE. Many people who recover from orthorexia are still passionate about health, and because of what they’ve been through they are able to exercise that passion in a truly healthy and balanced way.

& for the record…

Recovering from orthorexia, although it’s a tough road, is actually a beautiful journey toward self-discovery, growth, personal progress, compassion for others and for yourself, and a true way to get to know your body from the inside out.

For more information on orthorexia and to read my full story, click here to purchase my orthorexia memoir, Breaking Vegan.

I can’t wait to hear what you guys think. Let me know if this video resonated with you, if it answered any pressing questions or confusion you’ve had about orthorexia, or if there are any more Q’s I can answer. Also, i you like it, give it a thumbs up on YouTube & subscribe to my channel! Love making videos for you guys and hope to make more and more! 

( P.S. NYC recap to come. A bit lighter of a topic, haha. Can’t waaaiiitttt! )

Sounds counterintuitive, right?

Why would I want to mess up my life when I could work to make it as perfect as possible: perfect body, perfect career path, perfect relationships, perfect sleep schedule, perfect fitness routine, perfect exterior in hopes that it will all blend to create the most perfect, content & wonderful interior there ever was?

Let me tell you why. Perfection is not fun. It’s attainable, but not maintainable. Once you reach your “goal weight,” “goal job,” “goal ____” [FILL IN THE BLANK, you know what I’m talkin’ bout!] you set a new, higher, more unattainable goal for yourself.

Perfection is an issue. It’s not reality – it’s an escape from reality… A vessel to channel our nervous energy into that inhibits us from living in the moment, cultivating meaningful relationships, being in touch with our creative potential, and being effortlessly happy with who we are.

For many of us, reality is scary. It’s something we run & hide from for fear that what we see in front of us is going to be displeasing. REALITY is the face we see looking back at us in the mirror; reality is the look in your eyes, the curve of your waist, the sentiment behind your smile that tells you how your day really was.

And not all days are perfect. In fact, most days are NOT perfect.

But you know what I’ve learned about perfection?

The happier you are with what you have, who you ARE, and where you are, exactly in this moment, in every moment, the less you’ll care about perfection and the more you’ll care about living in the moment — maintaining the true happiness of being your true self. “Stepping into your light,” as my dear friend Lisa calls it, which really resonates with me.

Once you step into your light, getting messy isn’t about fear of imperfection. It’s about embracing every ounce of imperfection to be perfectly, effortlessly, blissfully you.

#BEYOU

Filming this video was cathartic for me in so many ways. As you can tell in the beginning of my speaking part, it was emotional — I was near tears many times throughout the morning that we filmed, and re-watching it not only brings me to tears but makes the tears stream down my face. Stream.

It makes me bubble up with emotion not only to see how far I’ve come, to re-wire my mind every time I see it to embrace GETTING MESSY versus striving for perfection, to hear my authentic self shining through even if I was afraid, to look back and see how far this journey has taken me…

Not only does it make me cry because of all of the above, but to see my friends taking part in the video with me and allowing themselves to be vulnerable as well — that’s what hits me in the feels with this video.

When we started filming that morning, it was a surprise to everyone involved that we were going to be writing our insecurities on the back of our t-shirts. In fact, I told everyone that part was optional because I was so unsure that they would want to put themselves out there so candidly. (Understandably so!!!)

To my great surprise, after one person stepped forward to write an insecurity… everyone stepped forward. One beautiful soul after the next after the next, and even though it was a new thing for many of us to be so vulnerable, we did it together, and it was a supportive, loving & incredibly magnetic environment to be so open within.

Beyond that — beyond my 9 or so dear friends that took part in #MessUpYourLife with me — I extend this video to all of YOU. I extend the invitation to celebrate your insecurities, the permission to be rawly, openly, PROFOUNDLY open and vulnerable, and to let the emotion flow.

To open up about those insecurities so you can let those bad boys go.

The more we talk about our insecurities, the less and less real they become. So much of what we dwell on about our bodies/minds/lives that makes us unhappy and insecure all exists in our MINDS. Once we get it all out there in the open, it’s hard to believe that such little figments of our imagination can have so much impact.

Try it. I promise, it feels good.

THERAPEUTIC to the 91754938498237th degree!

I would be forever grateful & honored if you watched this video & commented by telling me what your insecurities are — what you want to let go of. I will read every comment (as I always do!) and burst with joy and love for all of your openness and vulnerability.

We are a team, never forget that.

Time to embrace who we ARE and never look back. Here’s to living in the messiness!!! Here’s to living our LIVES.

#TBBTribe

Thanks hugely to Enjet Media for bringing this video to life. I am forever grateful for your support, love & killer vid skills. You guys are everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuNNG7Vd4Nw&feature=youtu.be

P.S. If you want to hear me talk more about my journey, check out my podcast interview on the fabulous Daily Groove Summit. Honored to be a part of this project with so many health & wellness rockstars.

P.S.S. If you want to hear me talk ALL about my journey, the link to preorder my book, out November 15th, is here. Email me once you have preordered and I will add you to the #TBBTribe email list… With tips & tricks for staying balanced & HAPPY and healthy in your every day life. Basically, more of this bloggy, straight to your inbox. Boom shaka laka!!!

P.S. x 3: Please SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel if you like what you see. The more subscribers I have, the more videos I can create because it will be more legit for me to do so… ya feel? XOXOX love you peeps to the moon and beyond a mill times over.

But still, even though I write about it a lot and I live it every day, I still learn new things about orthorexia every time I write a piece and put it out there on the Internet. My Refinery29 article got reposted on TIME Magazine, Yahoo Health & The Huffington Post; meaning that there is a major hunger for knowledge out there about the disorder and the impact that its beginning to have. The R29 article got almost 200 comments — some of which were super negative (of course) but many of which were wonderfully inquisitive, supportive and insightful.

Some people used analogies that blew even me away! One lovely reader wrote:

“It’s kind of like how some people can watch calories and not become anorexic, while for others counting calories leads to a fast spiral into a deadly obsession. I used to be anorexic, so I know that quantifying food doesn’t work for me. But I know a lot of people who can do programs like weight watchers (where food is quantified into points) and maintain a healthy lifestyle.” -R29 reader.

I LOVE that analogy, because it puts very simply what I have been saying for a long time and explains it in a way that is relatable to many more people than just the people who can relate to orthorexia and food extremes. I think anyone would be lying if they said they had never counted calories, or toyed with the idea of doing so, a day in their life — and if you haven’t, then bravo! I want to live in your brain, hehe.

So of course, many people can count calories and use that as a tool to stay on top of their weight and make healthy, balanced choices and live a life of moderation. Others of us (myself included) cannot and should not count calories, because for the super extreme of us there is no “Oh, I’ll cut back here since I had a brownie earlier…” and instead, the numbers begin to mean everything and it becomes a competition with ourselves about cutting back, living pure, eating clean/whole foods.

Same with orthorexia. You can be vegan and not develop an eating disorder. You can also be vegan and take it too far. There are a million and one different places you can fall on the spectrum. If you take my story and view it as a manifesto against veganism, then you are just projecting your insecurities with the diet onto me, because I have nothing against veganism as a whole and I never have.

I just want people to listen to their bodies and feel amazing! That’s all I want. I was unable to do that as a plant-based vegan, but it doesn’t mean that everyone who tries it will be unable to.

I know orthorexia is a tricky thing for people to understand. “Is it an eating disorder?” “Is it OCD related?” “Is it a personality thing?” “Is it just a cry for attention for someone who just got a little obsessed with eating TOO healthy?” “Is there a recovery process?” “How can you get help?” “Is there a major weight loss involved?” “What did you EAT, anyway?”

If you want to learn more about orthorexia, how to deal with it, where its origins started, how to get help, etc., then I highly recommend checking out Dr. Steven Bratman’s website orthorexia.com. Dr. Bratman has been a real source of inspiration and guidance for me coming out of my eating disorder. He wrote the Foreword of my book (!!!!) and, as it stands, he is the one and only person who has read the book entirely through. (Yeah, I’ve been a crazy person about letting nearly anyone read it – not even my parents have seen it yet!) His support of the book and my journey means the world to me. I am honored to have his wise words as the first four pages of the book!

Did I mention that he invented the word orthorexia?

Yeah, he knows what he’s talking about. I’m going to be doing a Q&A with him on the blog soon, so send in any specific questions about orthorexia you might have so I can be sure to ask him!

And speaking of the book, I simply cannot wait to share it with all of you. You can preorder it here and if you preorder in the next three days, you will be eligible for all of the rad swag I am giving away – just email me your purchase receipt so I can enter you!

But other than waiting until the book comes out in November, I will of course be here writing away, and so will Steven, and so will many other awesome, likeminded individuals who want you to be the HEALTHIEST, happiest version of yourself. To take a quote from Dr. Bratman’s website… “Don’t try to be perfect. Try to be whole.”

In other news, I am headed to NYC tomorrow. Can’t wait to be back in my spirit city. Yippee!

This year, I’ve been called disgusting, fat, a hypocrite, a murderer, a disgrace to veganism and humankind, and an idiot who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

And do you know why that is? Because I’ve chosen that for my body, at this point in time, it’s best to eat meat. I have moved away from the vegan label and any dietary label in general (for all of time, that’s for damn sure! #labelfree), and even though it’s been hard it has been exceptionally worth it.

Dietary labels are rooted in something seemingly good. They are, more or less, rooted in health. We start by wanting to be healthier, so we decide to learn more about a specific diet/lifestyle like vegan, raw, paleo, pescetarian, lacto-ovo-vegetarian, macrobiotic, gluten-free, sugar-free, 80/10/10, dairy-free, raw till 4, vegan before 6, etc.

Trust me, I’ve tried all of the above. Several times. So many times I couldn’t even begin to count. Add 30 days of juicing to that list and the “juicing till 4” with steamed veggies for dinner and you have my late adolescence and early adulthood covered.

For some of us, it’s easy for those dietary labels to become a slippery slope into the more extreme. Veganism turns to raw turns to juicing addiction turns to food fears turns to orthorexia turns to a form of anorexia and intense avoidance of everything from natural sugar to nightshade vegetables.

Even thinking about how much of a slave I was to food (and lack thereof) this time last year makes me shudder. Even this time six months ago. Yes, I’ve come a long way. Yes, I’m writing a book about it. Yes, I’ve ditched the labels. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. It’s actually been very, very, very hard.

Food still freaks me out on a daily basis. It doesn’t help that I have a severely sensitive stomach, stomach ulcers and food intolerances that lead me into food fears and dietary labels in the first place. But regardless, my journey out of orthorexia and moving away from veganism has been an uphill battle.

I still avoid many things, mainly because of my sensitive stomach, from wheat to sugar to alcohol. That’s not to say I don’t indulge from time to time or even go (way) overboard when I feel like it. My sensitivities don’t make moderation any easier, but my dedication to balance certainly helps put things into perspective for me.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with trying to get my food situation back on track I feel like I would rather give up and slip back into a) orthorexia and food fears or b) just eat whatever the heck I want and accept that I will feel like crap about it.

But realistically I know that’s not worth it and it’s not what I want. What I want is to feel great so that I can enjoy every aspect of my life as much as I deserve to. I love to exercise and be active, I love to spend time with my friends and family and go on fun adventures with them, and I love to write and blog and vlog and connect with all of you.

I can’t do any of that when I’m not feeling well. That’s what keeps me motivated every day to challenge myself, to try new things, to go to new doctors and acupuncturists and colonic hydrotherapists and psychiatrists and nutritionists and gastroenterologists and to remain as open as humanly possible about where I am with all of this.

I went into 2014 with a severe eating disorder and an addiction to juicing. I was afraid of everything that was not kale, steamed broccoli or green juice with no fruit in it. Now it’s nearly 2015 (what?!) and I know I have come so far.

I took myself on a burger date tonight. Yes, took myself. Me, myself and I. I am still getting there when it comes to eating certain foods around other people, not because I don’t want them to know about it (clearly if that were the case I wouldn’t be writing about it for the world to read) but because when other people are with me I just can’t bring myself to try new things the way I can when I’m alone. I second guess myself and decide to get something in my comfort zone… Like a plain salad with no dressing that I will likely eat a bite or two of. (Told you I still have a long way to go.)

Regardless, I took myself on a burger date tonight. To a place in Sacramento that is known for the best burgers. They are hormone-free and the buns are homemade, but other than that the place is certainly not known for healthiness. And that’s what I need sometimes… To get out of my comfort zone and prove to myself that food doesn’t rule me.

I had a burger and sweet potato fries, and I stopped eating when I was full. An actual phenomenon for me, after seriously disconnecting from my hunger cues for so long and having no idea what fullness versus hunger felt like.

Since I was alone, and I am quite extroverted, I ended up in a pretty deep conversation with my server who was also the manager. He asked if I had been there before and I said no. I told him that I only started eating meat again a few months ago, and I told him all about how I was vegan and so attached to the vegan label.

He knew a lot about veganism and was intrigued by the transition. After a rather in depth convo he hugged me and congratulated me on my change, and I don’t know exactly why but I got a huge lump in my throat. I was so touched that he was moved by my story, and it felt so good to bond with someone in a situation I would never, ever have been in even just a few months ago.

Then I straight up cried in the car on the way home because life is so precious and the fact that food inhibited me from fully enjoying it for so long bums me out — but I mainly cried because life IS so precious and I feel lucky to be a part of it, getting better and doing what I love.

Even if I had “indulged” in a veggie burger throughout my eating disorder I would have ran to the gym to burn it off and then some. Tonight I had the urge to go to the gym after eating, but instead I came home and wrote this post, lit my fav candles and took a bath. I’ll do yoga later and go on a run in the morning… Because I WANT to and for no other reason. I will not be a slave to food, exercise or body image any longer. I’m stronger than that.

It’s not easy, but strides are being made. I can’t wait to share my book with all of you come October, and I can’t wait to see what 2015 brings. For me, for you, for all of us.

As always, I’m here. I love you all and thank you for sticking with me.

Xox forever,
Jordan

So… instead of focusing on how sucky that fact is, we are going to do our damnedest to change it. How might we do that, you ask? Well, I have a few ideas up my sleeve…

#1: Challenge ourselves to constantly play with our diets by adding in foods we’ve once feared and eliminating foods we suspect might be bothering our tummies. If we make it fun, and make these changes by trusting ourselves and being curious rather than punishing ourselves and beating ourselves up if we “slip up,” then we can slowly but surely loosen that hold that food has over our lives.

Speaking of CHALLENGING ourselves…

Yesterday I tried full fat cow’s milk for the first time since I was 10 years old, and it didn’t bother my stomach, didn’t bloat me and didn’t make me feel guilty/freaked out/any of the above.

And you know why? Because I did it in a LOVING way. I trusted myself to call the shots and I did it when I was ready. I didn’t force myself to do it like I did with some other food challenges in the beginning of my eating disorder recovery process. I waited until I was very ready, and I did it in a curious way.

If the milk had bloated me and made me feel like crap, I wasn’t going to beat myself up over it. I was just going to pay attention and take note so that from there on out I could decide if milk bothered me based on my own concrete knowledge versus on fears I had been subsisting on for years & years.

So, after I tried the milk, naturally I made a video about it. There is only so much I can say about it by writing, since sometimes the whole “food fear” discussion tends to sound repetitive on the Internet.

So instead of going on & on (like I kinda want to), you can listen to me talk about it instead! And, as you can see, I’m so passionate about this topic that I teared up mid-video and could barely regain my composure afterward!

If you are like me, and you have suffered from food issues that run so deep you feel like you can’t even concentrate on anything else let alone ENJOY every ounce of life, then please know that you aren’t alone.

Let me know your thoughts, and if you like it, subscribe! I am filming some professional quality videos this Friday, and I am oh so thrilled about it. I can’t even wait to step it up and keep sharing with you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mgZpeByB-s&feature=youtu.be

So much love!