I cannot believe that the Celestial Diet & Lifestyle Program has been out in the world for the last WEEK! After working on it, creating it, and manifesting it for so long it feels truly surreal that it is now in so many of your hands.

And there are two more days to join us before the cart closes & the live version will no longer be available!! We have the cart open until June 6th (Saturday!!), and then we will begin as a group on June 7th. From there I will be guiding you through the 7 days with daily emails, two live calls (the BEST PART), accountability & connection in our private celestial FB group, and of course with the mediations, meal plan, grocery list, daily journaling prompts, 7 pillars… I could go on!

So I wanted to pop in today to tell you the top benefits of eating & living the celestial way, and also answer a bunch of your FAQ’s in one place!

Let’s get into it!

Top Benefits of the Celestial Diet & Lifestyle //

+ this lifestyle is extremely anti-inflammatory & supportive to healing from chronic illness, longevity, heart health, healthy & sustainable weight loss, and beyond. If you want to learn more about this way of life in detail, feel free to read this post all about living SOS-free! Celestial is the new SOS-free. So that post will break it down, and the program will take it way further!

+ This way of life is preventative. It sets us up to be healthy as we age. I know that everyone reading this does not want to have a nasty decline in old age like many of us have seen with our grandparents and people who reach a certain age. We want to set ourselves up for the best possible outcome of NO heart disease, NO stroke, NO cancer, NO Alzheimer’s, NO dementia, NO osteoporosis, and no unnecessary pain.

+ It is cruelty-free, so it is the kindest diet for the animals, environment, and the earth as well as for our bodies!

+ The simplicity of the diet helps us return to the natural simplicity of food and the healing properties of eating delicious foods from the earth. In that way it resets our palate so we no longer crave sugar, salt, and oily / fried foods. This part is huge, because it brings the joy back to natural foods again!

+ Because this is a natural, whole food plant based way of eating, it purifies our bodies and acts as a natural detoxifier. When we are clear, pure channels, we can be more easily in tune with our higher selves, our ancestors / angels & our channeling abilities! This part is huge. My medium Nikki often reminds me that so many people who are opening up psychically are still eating very dense, earthly, 3D foods and in many ways it holds back the awakening process from happening in full. The Celestial Diet was designed to open you up in every way possible.

+ In my own personal experience, I have lost about 20 pounds going SOS-free. For me this was great because due to the hormonal changes I experienced with Lyme, I gained a ton of weight. I didn’t feel like myself in my body at ALL. Going vegan helped me shed inflammation, and hen this lifestyle is what brought me back to my ideal body weight. It feels SO good not to have that extra weight, which is also extra inflammation in the body. It makes me feel more confident, more alive, more in tune, and makes me want to be more active!

+ The food combining element helps drastically with eliminating bloating & improving digestion!!

+ The SOS-free diet is known to be the most heart healthy diet on the planet. For more info, check out the work of Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, Dr. John McDougall & Dr. Alan Goldhamer to name a few!

+ & SO. MUCH. MORE! The rest you can dive into in the program!!

And now I want to answer some of your FAQ’s, so you have a bunch in one place!

Q: LOVING the program so far! Any celestial go-to’s when out at restaurants?

A: Omg yay! Makes my entire day to hear. Yes there are so many delicious celestial meals you can find out & about. I love asking for steamed veggies (sometimes I will bring my own tahini or coconut aminos) with a salad full of greens, legumes, nuts, and herbs. Also a baked potato or sweet potato is always celestial and is usually available anywhere. And if I am at a vegan restaurant, then the options widen considerably and I will have fun with it and mix and match a bunch of items!! Right now my go-to at vegan restaurants is a delicious lettuce wrapped black bean burger and a sided salad.

Q: Is it possible to do the celestial diet while also eating Low FODMAP?

A: Yes, completely! The program was designed with all food intolerances and healing protocols in mind. And the best part is, it’s very customizable!

Q: This may sound strange but when you roast veggies do you put them in the oven dry (because of no oil)?

A: This doesn’t sound strange at all! Yes I put them in dry with spices and nutritional yeast usually. Major tips for this in my 22 day detox by the way which in many ways is a precursor to the Celestial life!!

Q: How is this similar to your 22 day detox or WBUTYOS?

A: It is very different from both of these programs but contains a few elements from both of them. Similar to WBUTYOS, it is an awakening guide that will help you tap into your truest, most divine nature. It contains new elements and new things I have learned about channeling, awakening, ascension and frequency since I created WBUTYOS in early 2019! And similar to the 22 Day Detox, it is a nutrition guide full of SOS-free recipes.

None of the recipes overlap except for my TBB nacho cheese because, well, let’s face it — it’s my favorite recipe on the planet! Otherwise everything is new, including all of the photos & brand new information! If either of those programs resonated with you, you will love this one.

The meditations are all brand new & completely magical! So if you did the 22 Day Detox, you are in for a big treat because this course is very much audio, journaling based, and written.

Q: I am busy and don’t have a lot of free time! Is this program for me?

A. The program is a lot more simple than you may think — it’s probably easier than eating what you are normally used to! Especially with the meal plan all laid out for you! B. Take it at your own pace, you can get started now and dive in whenever the time is right for you. At any rate, I encourage you to fully commit, because when we keep a promise to ourselves, that is when our lives can truly shift.  There are no shortcuts to the path of true healing, and I promise this is a fun way to get there! “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” – Amelia Earhart.

Q: Will there be a self-guided version down the line? I will be on vacation but I don’t want to miss out!

A: Yes, there will be a self-guided version down the line but I highly recommend getting it now so that you can save the live calls & daily emails and then just look at them when you are ready to begin! There is so much extra goodness included in this live round. Also, you could join in with us when you can during the 7 days (even if it’s just for one call or one little hello in the FB group!) and then you will be even more prepared to start when it’s time for you to begin!

Q: Is it easy to meal prep?

A: Yes! The simplicity of the program is the best part! The ease and simplicity of the food itself makes it very easy to meal prep and plan ahead. Plus we have a special grocery list for you!

For more fabulous Q&A’s, head to this page where we’ve broken it all down for you!! You can also look on my IG Story Highlight’s “Celestial Diet” & “Celestial Q’s” & “Program” to learn even more & get more questions answered!!

Lastly, here are some responses from people who have started the program!! I love, love hearing how it is going for you!! Keep the feedback coming. I love you guys so much.

And head HERE to join us, we start Sunday! YAY !! TOTAL magic. Leave any additional questions you have below!! XO 

So let’s do a fun little list, you guys know I love a good list, to catch you up to speed on where my mind has been lately and why I have been so quiet on the blog posting front! Ready?! Let’s do it.

What I Have Been Up To These Last Few Months…

1. CELESTIAL DIET & LIFESTYLE! You guys, OMG omg. The Celestial Diet & Lifestyle 7 day program officially launches in 4 days… and I have a free live intro workshop to all things celestial THIS Thursday!! Are you signed up yet?! I don’t do a lot of live workshops anymore because I pretty much try to save all of my energy for my healing body, my husband & family, friends, and life off screen. When I do something I give it my ALL, and sometimes I find after giving something my all I am super depleted for days and weeks afterward. #justtruth. But this program definitely deserves all of the live workshop energy from me because I have not been this excited about anything in a VERYYYY long time.

The Celestial life channeled through to me (diet, lifestyle, meditations, journaling prompts, a whole damn way of LIFE) in late December of last year & it’s been time to bring it fully to life ever since. It has a whole vibe & life of its own and I am soooo freakishly thrilled to share it with you! Anyway, in creating this program and everything that goes along with it… like I researched the shit out of binaural beats, mindful eating meditations, walking meditations, forest bathing (nature healing), frequency & ascension, celestial life, read tons of Pleiadian books & other books channeled by light beings & beyond… I officially became one of those people who was pretty much “too busy / distracted to post on Instagram.”

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD those people before! I swear! I was like haha yeah right everyone has time to post on Instagram if they want to. But no. My daily posts became once or twice a week posts and even then I felt like my energy was pulled elsewhere. I am still very active on IG stories because those are just easy and not curated, but when it comes to posting a photo, writing a caption, and pouring my energy there, WOW — I have been so pulled into everything pertaining to the Celestial Diet & Lifestyle that I have just taken a little breather. And it’s actually been super nice if I am being honest.

So needless to say, this is where about 75% of my energy has been going, and nearly 100% of my creative energy. It’s so worth it. I realized I wrote another whole damn book!! It’s 72 pages and full of so much goodness. Be on the lookout for another post this Friday breaking it all down, and be sure to join us for the FREE WORKSHOP this Thurs!!!!

2. Working on (ideas for) my next book… This has been so awesome and so exciting, and has been consuming the other .0001% of my creative energy aside from the Celestial program!! Once TCD (The Celestial Diet) launches into the world this Friday and after I guide our very special 7 day program live, I am planning on putting a lot more energy toward the book. It has been so wild because I have been vacillating between fiction & memoir/self-help for years now (7 years to be exact, holy moly) and I wish I could say that confusion has been resolved but it’s still 100% unresolved. I know that I am being called to bring both into the world, it just depends on which one is coming first. If you could comment below on this post and tell me which one you are more excited about, that might sway me as to what to put most of my energy into first!!

What I will say is I am working with a wonderful editor in San Francisco who is going to help me bring the self-help to life in June/July (just in outline form so I can get the juices flowing) so we will see… I am excited. I am a book writer at heart. The further I stray from it, the more upset and lost I get. I came to this earth to write books. I even did a past life regression 5 years ago and asked my soul what I came here to do. The answer was, write books. So here we are!! It’s written in the stars and I am elated to pour my energy into it once the launch of TCD takes place! Eek!

3. Enforcing new social media boundaries. I’m not going to sugar coat it, social media changed a lot in 2020, and we are still feeling those changes in 2021. I get it, people are angry about the state of the world and they turn to the vastness of the internet to project their anger. For a while there I was receiving so much violence on my page I started questioning whether a more peaceful, happy life would require me stepping away from being online for work. (Well the answer is a more peaceful life would definitely be the result of that LOL but would it be worth it? No because I love what I do).

It was helpful to work with my medium Nikki on this, who helped me see that if I did step away, I would be letting the darkness win. The darkness has been trying to overturn the light for centuries and eons. I refuse to play a role in letting the dark win. So here I am, showing up, but with NEW boundaries in place. I spend a lot less time scrolling. I’ve muted like 50% of the people I follow in favor of seeing content that truly inspires and awakens me every day. I post far less on my actual feed, and that is helpful because it frees up creative energy for other, more long lasting things. I block & delete ANY rude/violent/hateful comments immediately, and I have an entire team on the backend doing that so I don’t end up seeing most of the hateful messages anyway these days. I hired a social media assistant to run @tbbpodcast & she’s been crushing it.

Most of all, I do not check my phone (especially social) at night after about 9pm, or in the morning before about 10pm. This is a huge game changer. I will do a whole post on this soon!

4. Personal life / health!! THIS ONE IS HUGE. Many of you know I have been working with my TCM doctor since January to find health in my body, and I have healed so, so much. I can honestly say this is the best I have felt in over 5 years. I have energy again, I can use my brain again, and I feel amazing and so much more like myself. AND there has been so much going on in my personal life / health that has required so much of my energy and attention, and it does make it so much easier to have those social media boundaries. I have loved being an advocate for Lyme disease & healing, but I never wanted to be a poster child for Lyme. I don’t even think that is healthy. I have seen how that affects people, including me, and ties us in with a chronic illness when it’s time for us to step away and back into the light of health. Will go deeper on this soon too.

5. Lots of time with my love & family. Jonathan and I have been doing lots of nearby getaways. We spent this past weekend in Laguna just us two, totally off the grid, and it was so nice & SO NEEDED. I was fullllyyy in my element and just in my preparation headspace for the Celestial workshop this Thurs!! I will be live channeling there so I wanted to save all of the energy for that that I possible could. It has been so fun and so nice just relaxing with my love, especially as the world begins to return to “normal” in many ways. Which I am both ready for and not ready for… who else feels that way? Glennon Doyle has an amazing podcast episode on this on her new pod that made me feel so seen.

6. Working on so many behind the scenes things!! SOMMEEE of what I am doing and working on is still a secret!! So that is also why I have found it harder to show up here, because I am a blabbermouth and I typically TELL ALL to my TBB fam, so keeping certain things to myself has been not the easiest. But I will be sharing more soon and I cannot wait.

Ok hopefully that helps & gives some insight into where I’ve been. I have gotten some messages lately from you guys telling me how much you miss the blog posts, and that both made me sad because I AGREEE and feel the same way and lit my heart up with joy because it means that this little corner of the internet really does have impact. So I want to let you know that I plan on getting back to a more regular posting schedule, even if it’s once or twice a week updates. I miss the OG blogging days, of checking in every day & keeping a life scrapbook for the most part. So my plan is to get back to that. I miss & love the life scrapbook. So here we are !! It’s time!!

What do you guys think?! Would love your thoughts & update me below on how you’ve been doing! I want to hear everything!! XOXO 

I am hoooome from my recent water fast, and I am truly mind boggled that in just a few days it will be June. I feel like I have been living in a time warp, especially because for a total of 32 days during this quarantine I was away at the fasting center dedicated to healing Lyme, mold, and co-infections in my body. I was fasting on either juice or water for about 28 of those days, and slowly reincorporating food on the other days.

So yeah… I’ve been on quite the journey. And I am truly pretty much speechless about it which is so unlike me so that just goes to show you, I have a lot of processing to do still. A lot. But I am going to try my best to put my thoughts into words.

First of all, for people who haven’t heard me speak about water fasting before. Trust me, the first time I heard of it many years ago I thought whoever had mentioned it to me was INSANE !! TRULY !! But I hadn’t yet been in a dire position with my health where I would do anything/everything to heal my body. So reserve your judgment if you have any about this way of healing or any way of healing for that matter.

When you’ve reached the depths of pain with any sort of illness, you know the truth — you would do anything to heal and get your life back. It feels a bit like life or death, and I have been erring on the side of “death walking” for many years now so trust me when I say, a water fast ain’t no thang compared to living with Lyme every single day for years after years.

Over the years since that very first time I heard about fasting, I have learned all about the fasting way of life — and it’s not as scary as it sounds. It’s not dangerous at all when done properly (in a medical facility, getting your vitals checked daily) and can be the UTMOST healing experience in so many ways. I don’t ever recommend it to people to do, because I can only speak for myself. But for me, fasting has changed my life and truly given me my life & health back.

It puts our bodies into rest & digest mode, and allows the 75% of energy that is usually spent digesting food all day long to flow directly into healing vital organs, infections, parasites, bacteria, dormant viruses and beyond in the body. All you do while fasting is REST, which as we know is one of the number one SIMPLE & accessible healing tips in the world.

My Four Fasting Experiences //

I decided to do two back to back fasts during this quarantine for a lot of reasons. One, fasting has been my saving grace for the last few years. If you remember my first long fast I did back in 2018, it was the first and only thing that made my chronic hives and eczema go away after TEN. LONG. MONTHS. of waking up every day as an itchy, bleeding, miserable mess. See below photo for a visual.

But after that first fast I still had a long way to go. I had just been diagnosed with Lyme, mold, MCAS, co-infections, parasites, gut dysbiosis, the list goes on. Honestly I never want to type that damn list out again. It feels like it has been a part of my story for so long now and now it’s time to let go of it. But long story short, my entire life for the last 2 years (really 3, if you include the painful year before I was diagnosed) has been about healing those issues and trying to get some semblance of my life back.

That first fast was truly remarkable for me. My histamine markers went from off the charts in the 1500 range down to about 700 (still high, but HUGE improvements). I lived with those improvements for about 8 months and then in early 2019 I did another fast, and the inflammation continued to go down and I started to actually feel more like myself again. That one was incredibly deep and was perhaps the first time I realized that wait, maybe a water fast could not only feel healing and take the pain away but could actually HEAL me from my ailments.

The thing with water fasting that people always ask me is, do the benefits really last once you start eating food again? And that answer is complicated. Yes, the benefits last and there is no way to “undo” the incredible work you do for your body during a fast unless you just throw caution to the wind in a big way when you get back into food again. And even then you’re not undoing the deep work that has been done in the body, from dead cell die off and the regeneration of new cells (a.k.a the process of autophagy) to toxin die off to the deep healing and rest our bodies receive while fasting. BUT, is one water fast a cure all for a very intense chronic illness? Probably not, depending on the circumstance.

As I always say, the sicker our bodies are, the more fasts or modalities we may need to heal. Of course that is all relative and different for each person, but after my first and then my second fast when I spoke to my family about potentially doing a third, my dad said to me, “WHY would you do that if it didn’t heal you the first two times?!” which was SUCH a valid question. But in my heart I knew the answer to that… when we are extremely sick with Lyme or some kind of deep chronic illness, it’s not a one two punch. It’s a long game. It will take however long it takes, however many times it takes, to make a massive and lasting change.

At that time in mid 2019 I knew in my heart that every time I did a fast my inflammation went down significantly in a HUGE way. I also knew that fasting was one of the most physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing things I had ever done — so I knew I had to be in a really stable, focused and aware place if I were to head back into a fast. That is why I have spread my fasts out over a full two year period. And to make things even more wild, my FIRST fast in 2018 and my most recent fast were on the EXACT SAME DATES of the year in May… and I only realized that about halfway through this one. If you don’t believe in the synchronicities of the universe… I beg to differ.

My Experience This Time Around //

I decided not to do a second fast in 2019 because I wanted to get strong for our wedding and just be in the best headspace possible, not necessarily in “toxin die off mode” which is incredible for healing but not really incredible for living life and trying to get married and enjoy a wedding and honeymoon! So I saved my third fast for this year, which I did in March. For more on my water fast in March, head here to read about it or here to listen! Also, I am compiling a list of questions about fasting for another pod episode so feel free to leave those in the comments below!

After stumbling across an incredible blog of someone who has now become a dear friend – a woman named Sarah who HEALED FROM LYME & put her Lyme into 100% remission by doing a long water fast – I went into my third fast with my eyes wide open to the reality that this fast could in fact heal me completely.

And after that 14 day fast in March, I really did feel healed… about 50-60% at least, which is absolutely huge when you’re suffering from an illness you have been told since day one is completely incurable. I feel that I reached states of spiritual consciousness on that fast where illness simply can no longer exist — a place of such high vibrations that my mind, body, spirit, and soul were no longer in alignment with Lyme and all that Lyme has come into my life spiritually to teach me.

And when I got home in April I really felt better than I had in YEARS. I was bouncing off the walls with energy, going on runs with my husband, making recipe after recipe and even enrolled in a plant based nutrition program to be able to teach the plant based way of life in a whole new way.

But still deep in my heart I KNEW there was more healing to be had. The water fasting doctor I had worked with in March recommended that I come back for another two week stay after about a month of eating food and regaining my strength. At first I was unsure whether or not I would do that, but after a series of incredible synchronicities (including not one but TWO of my dear friends who also have Lyme deciding on their own to do a water fast at the same facility) it felt too meant to be to pass up.

So, May 10th rolled around annnnnd I went back to the healing center. This time with a renewed purpose and a renewed sense of self and determination to heal. I KNEW I was going to heal 100% this time. I was not going to take no for an answer. And I was prepared — my last fast had been so intensely PHYSICALLY painful and I had what felt like so many near death experiences (which were really just heavily intense detox) that I was prepared for absolutely anything to happen.

(And for inquiring minds who are worried about the weight loss during fasting — of course it is part of the process, but I worked really hard to get my weight back up to my pre-fast number between the third and fourth fasts. So I lost the same amount of weight both times but ended up after all was said & done at a very healthy place for my body, SANS inflammation which feels amazing!)

This fast… which I am still finding the words for… was my deepest yet, by far. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And the wildest part is that it flew by!!! Usually one day of fasting feels like one week, one month or one YEAR because it can be so physically painful and intolerable. But something about having my two friends there with me and being so mentally prepared for this one made every single day and then every single week fly by. It was incredible and almost made the whole thing feel like I had dreamt it by the time it was over… like it wasn’t even real.

And that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t insanely painful and difficult at the same time. The pain and difficulty were still there, but they tended to pass quicker. And I was so beyond in tune with my mind, body and spirit during this fast I knew what I needed in every moment and every day. For example I would do juice for two days, then water for two days, then juice for two, then water for four, and then really let my body decide each and every day when it was done with water and needed to go back on juice.

Pain I experienced & my tolerance this time //

Because I did these two fasts so close together, my body had less tolerance this time for long stretches of water alone. My longest period of water alone was for four days straight in the middle of this fast, then I regained strength with juice before going back on a few more days of water, then a few more days of juice. And instead of getting tripped up on the numbers or hitting any sort of daily goal (perfectionist over here), I just stuck extremely in the moment the whole time. I let the experience take over, listening to my heart and soul to the point where when my body was done I just knew. On that day I had zero ounce of regret or “maybe I can go longer” type of thoughts — I just took it for what it was worth and went back on juice and then on day 14, back on raw food.

Like I said, I am still finding the words to describe how deep and monumental this fast was for me. I journaled every day, laid on my balcony and spoke to the trees and the earth, and truly felt one with nature in the most healing way. I couldn’t look at anyone’s faces without completely seeing them shape shift, and felt SO IN TUNE with my psychic and spiritual gifts there are not even words to describe it! When you strip away all the layers, the spiritual gifts that come are beyond.

And likewise with healing, when we strip away the layers and let our bodies just BE, I believe that is when we can finally heal. Taking away the food, the stress, the medications, the daily routine, the habits, the layers, and letting our bodies do their thing, what they were MADE to do, is where healing can happen.

As far as pain this time around, I had a lot of it. For almost the full two weeks my jaw was in SEARING, excruciating, mind-bending pain, like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. My legs were throbbing the entire time too, and the joints in my knees, ankles, elbows, hands and jaw were perpetually in extreme pain. I had a migraine/headache pretty much daily, as well as horrible neck and shoulder pain. But that’s all par for the course and like all of my previous fasts, by the end of the experience… the pain lifted and I was left with less pain than ever before.

At the end of the fast I had another healing/detox reaction, which was a strep throat situation where I believe and feel my body was detoxing strep once and for all. My glands got swollen, I felt full on strep vibes, but hadn’t left my bed in weeks so there was no way for me to catch it. It took about a week, but that pain has slowly now passed through and I feel like it was my body’s final push to detox the strep virus.

And the wild thing about fasting is that even though you are in so much pain during the experience, it is still about one ONE THOUSANDTH of the pain of living with Lyme every day. Because the daily inflammation goes away during the fast and makes every moment so much more bearable. So as you read about the pain of the fast, maybe that will give you a little glimpse into what it can be like to live with Lyme on the daily and why this type of experience is so worth it to those of us who are healing.

Most importantly with each passing day of this fast I felt just a tiny bit better and a tiny bit more myself. My brain fog continued to lift and I felt like I was beginning to see the world in 5D. I was gaining massive insights every day about the best way to eat for my body, the healing powers of fruit and vegetables, the direction I want to take my brand and my life, and honestly even feeling the presence of my future babies with me every step of the way. It’s like the veil between this world and the other realms completely lifted and I was just floating in an in-between space. There are no words to describe how healing and miraculous that feeling is.

The Healing Itself //

Now I am home, and I almost feel stunned as if I can hardly speak on the entire experience. Clearly I spoke about it above but as far as the benefits and the healing that have taken place, they almost feel too sacred to even share yet. I promise I will continue sharing as I continue to find the words. Sign up for my weekly Monday newsletter here for an update this Monday, and I will continue updating you guys on the blog & pod too!

I DO feel healed, but even more so on a spiritual level than a physical level. I also feel exhausted. Weak. Tired. And sort of bummed about that and I am letting myself sink into that very real feeling. I do fasting so that I can leave feeling on top of the world, and this time I left feeling tired like I am coming to the end of a VERY long battle… which I am. So I am just giving myself space and rest while I acclimate after that experience. I am so thankful for my husband who has made our home such a safe space for me to continue healing, and has allowed me to just do NOTHING at home but lay in the bath and relax and get my strength back.

The craziest part is that I am not who I once was. Not before my third fast, or my most recent fast, and certainly not before my first two. Not before my Lyme diagnosis. Not before I have experienced multiple near death experiences from surgeries, medications, the weight of Lyme itself, and so much more. It can be hard, to be very real with you guys, to reconcile what I have seen, experienced, gained, and lost. It is not a journey I would trade for the entire world, but I certainly cannot relate to who I used to be — or the person who others were used to me being. I am now so different. And it connects me to different individuals who are also on this journey which is beautiful. It is just something I continue to work through and experience more and more of with every passing day.

This time around, the negativity (albeit minor) got to me more than usual. When I would receive a comment from someone saying, “Must be nice to be able to afford this treatment but it’s sickening that you share it because the rest of us cannot,” (but said in a much nastier way) it would hurt me to my core. Because we are all just doing the best we can. As much as I wish I could represent every single person who is healing, the best I can do is represent myself and continue to provide free information everywhere I can. And as far as treatment expenses, doing a water fast is far more affordable than even one round of stem cells, ozone, hyperbaric chamber, or any type of supplements or meds.

(Oh and don’t even get me started on the haters who say that water fasting is dangerous, when they have no iota of knowledge about the science and safety behind it.)

So for that reason as well I feel compelled to be a bit quieter this time around, as I come back into the experience of being home, healing, and feeling alive again. I promise to take you guys along for the ride when I feel up to sharing more. The most important thing here that I want to share is that healing is possible. You do not have to accept a diagnosis of “incurable.” I do not believe in that. I promise you there is another way. I LOVE YOU and would love to hear any and all thoughts and questions below. XOXOXO

The exciting thing is… days are looking a LOT more exciting and healthy than they have in the past several years for me. I mean, exercise alone is still new for me. Check out this recent post on fasting to hear about why I am feeling so much better lately and why I am so hopeful for the future of my healing process. I have another long fast coming up in May and truth be told, even though I am loving life at home and not eager to leave my boys again, I am counting the days until my next fast because I am so ready to feel as amazing as I can. And HEAL, heal, heal!

On the note of healing, let’s talk about gut health. You guys know that I have a notoriously sensitive stomach. I’ve been talking about it on this blog for seven years. In fact, I might even go as far to say that I started my blog because of my sensitive stomach, which lead me toward eating healthy food, which lead me toward exploring holistic healing and studying nutrition, and now here we are.

My sensitive stomach journey //

When I say “sensitive stomach,” what I am really saying is a lot here. I have had a long history of dealing with a sensitive stomach… as you guys well know! I especially detail it in my recent YouTube video! But in recent years I have found a lot of things that work for me — my diet, my lifestyle, supplementation, exercise, plant foods, and more.

And while I am not saying any one of these things was a miracle healer for me, they have all worked together to enhance my life and make me feel a lot better on a day to day basis. On this path with my stomach, I have grown to be somewhat of a connoisseur of probiotics. I have tried them all… seriously, you name it, I’ve tried it. Then I saw some other bloggers I love and admire posting about Seed’s Daily Synbiotic, and I got curious. Curiosity turned to intrigue turned to, “OMG, I must have it.”

“Wait, I haven’t tried this one!” I thought, the first time I saw my dear friend Kelly Leveque post about it on her Instagram. She is a nutritionist I love and trust who is all about the science, so I knew the science behind the brand had to be legit. Fast forward to me reaching out to them and then being given the opportunity to work with them. Before writing this post, I have diligently taken their Daily Synbiotic (we will get into what exactly this is!) daily for the last month, and I have also completed @Seed University (their education platform for partners and all curious humans, on Instagram!) which is chock full of info on microbiome, probiotics, gut health, the environment, the brand’s mission and founders, and more.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT SEED IS SO TRANSPARENT and is such a proponent of accountable influence (i.e. not just partnering with someone to spread info on the internet without them truly knowing the facts and the science and how it works) because they have really given me the opportunity to learn so much. I feel like I graduated from being an obsessive probiotic researcher and working off of trial and error in my own body to really learning about the ins and outs of the gut microbiome, what makes probiotics + prebiotics work/not work, how probiotics can positively affect our environment when it comes to global issues like the mass extinction we are experiencing, plastic overrunning our oceans, and honeybee disease/deaths to name a few.

Don’t worry, we will get into all of this. I have learned so much from them and I am ready to NERD OUT and share it all with you guys!!! ‍ 

& before we go any further, I want you to know you can use the code BLONDE for 15% off your first month of  Seed’s Daily Synbiotic on their website! I am so excited for you to try them out omg.

So let’s start by talking about the microbiome. You may be thinking, “Yeah, I’ve heard about it, but what even is it anyway?” Well let’s look at it this way: while the Universe is home to about 250 billion stars, we as a human super organism are a home to 38 TRILLION micro organisms!! WHAAAAT. You can say that 10 times fast! So basically we are 50% human, 50% microbes. And the microbiome by definition is the genetic material of all of the microbes that live in an ecosystem. So… we are our microbiome, and our microbiome is us!

On earth, microbes have been here wayyyyyy longer than we have. The human microbiome is primarily made up of bacteria, but it also includes fungi, protozoa, and viruses. The majority of the microbiome reside in our gut, but can be found all over the body

Each of our microbiomes is completely unique to us, and is constantly changing. It is impacted by external factors like diet, exercise, medicine, and sleep. Even going to the bathroom can mean shedding a few trillion microbes. So think about how you feel when you’re eating clean, sleeping well, and on a good exercise regime versus when you’re on vacation, maybe drinking too much and not getting enough sleep. OFF, right? That has a lot to do with our microbiome!

So, drum roll please!! As humans we all receive our foundational microbes from our mother whenr we are born, which is called SEEDING… hence how Seed got its name! Which now that I know the science behind it, I find completely adorable and perfect.

In essence, everything in our lives impacts how our microbiome develops overtime, including our pets. So Huddy is a part of mine, yes! Which makes me happy. !!

And as you may have probably heard, the majority of our microbiome resides in our colon… HENCE WHY often when we think of our microbiome, we think of the gut! And also why it’s so important to nurture that microbiome.

When you hear bacteria you may think that’s something you don’t want, and in some cases that’s true. But largely that is a myth, that all bacteria is BAD for us. The truth is, 99% of bacteria are GOOD !! They help us digest, and they regulate our metabolism!

The more diverse the bacteria is in our gut, the healthier we are overall. The best way to diversity our gut is to eat a diverse range of foods especially veggies, plants, and fibers. (My plant based crew, where you at!!!)  

Different strains of microbes feed off of different things. A less diverse diet means a less diverse microbiome over time.

That’s where probiotics & prebiotics come in.

Probiotics are ALL THE RAGE right now, but the thing is…. You’re not really getting probiotics everywhere you think you are.

Yogurt? Kraut? Kimchi? Nahhhh. You’re not getting the probiotics you need there, as much as branding and product positioning may tell us otherwise. The reason being we don’t know if this bacteria is actually surviving to reach our colon. And just because a product tells you it has a very high CFU (colony forming units) does not mean it’s a better probiotic. The survivability is what matters!

Fun science-y fact: In 2001, the term probiotics was termed by a UN/WHO expert panel chaired by Dr. Gregor Reid (Seed’s Chief Scientist). By definition, probiotics are “live microorganisms that when administered in adequate amounts confer a health benefit on the host.”

Probiotics are good for our heart, skin, metabolism, and immune health. They can suppress inflammation (yay!! Very important for people like me) and also neutralize pathogens and improve immunity. They work by interacting with our immune cells, gut cells, dietary nutrients, and existing bacteria in our colon. So that means they need to survive to reach our colon!

And then there’s PREBIOTICS — and I am just going to keep breaking it down for y’all, because I wish someone would have done this for me years ago when I was trying to figure this all out! Prebiotics interact with bacteria in the gut, and release byproducts into the colon called metabolites, and one of those is called butyrate. Butyrate strengthens the mucosal barrier lining your intestines. A stronger barrier means better containment of pathogens and absorption of nutrients.

So in non-science terms… probiotics and prebiotics both  really have an impact on our gut health and the overall health of our body. And what Seed has done which really sets them apart from other probiotics on the market is that they’ve created a SYNBIOTIC, which is a combo of the two! And since we’ve now learned that most bacteria do not make it to the gut, they’ve designed their capsule to deliver their probiotics to where it matters… straight to the colon!

Seed’s tested capsules protect against stomach acid and ensure viability through digestion. The capsule has a chlorophyll exterior to shield from light, a liquid prebiotic suspension to shield from oxygen, moisture, and heat. So that no matter what, once it hits your colon… it survives!

Not to mention it is dairy free, gluten free, allergy free, & vegan — which of course it needs to be in order to be TBB approved! Some key benefits of Seed’s Daily Synbiotic are that it helps maintain regularity, eases bloating, and alleviates occasional constipation. I can definitely say after taking it for the last month I have noticed all of those things. My digestion has been ON POINT you guys, and I really can’t say that about myself very often… especially coming off of a recent water fast for Lyme!

The Synbiotic also helps maintain healthy gut function, improves tight junction function, and helps to support gut barrier integrity. It supports heart health and supports key markers related to cardiovascular health. So with all of those benefits, WHY WOULDN’T YOU TAKE IT?! I MEAAANNN !! !!

They even put their probiotics through a human GI simulator to assess exactly how much arrives in your gut, and where. Their production cycle for that reason is 135 days ! They are a team of scientists, researchers, mothers, pediatricians, gastroenterologists, and more. They are seriously like no other brand I have ever seen when it comes to covering all of their bases and pouring their hearts into the science, research, transparency, and aims to make the world as a whole a better place (not to mention our individual bodies).

So, how does it work?!

Well FIRST you get a welcome kit with a refillable glass jar, free glass travel vial, mycelium tray that can be composted, and FSC-certified shipper box that is recyclable. Then you get refills every month! So it’s both environmentally friendly and easy for you to keep track of.

Ultimately their mission is to realize the full potential of microbes to restore, sustain, and improve human and planetary health. 

As I learned more about in the Seed University class, we are in the midst of a mass extinction process. 40% of all bird species on the planet are in decline, and half the corals in the Great Barrier Reef have died since 2016. 60% of the world’s primate species are threatened with extinction As a longtime vegan and animal lover, THIS CRUSHES ME!!

So beyond everything they do for gut health, they have also founded Seed Labs to develop novel applications for bacteria to solve some of the biggest problems facing our collective home. The main thing that sticks out to me there is that our oceans are drowning in the trillions of plastic bags discarded into it per year… and Seed Labs is working with a newly discovered plastic eating bacteria to hopefully help one day combat and reverse this huge global issue!!!! LIKE WHAAAT. They are amazing!

So I know I nerded out a lot here, because I wanted to bring you guys the facts. But overall my personal experience with Seed has been nothing but completely incredible. I love their transparency, what they are doing for our bodies and the earth, their branding (!!! I am such a sucker for cute packaging) and the way I FEEL since taking their Daily Synbiotic. You guys know I suffer from a host of health issues, and anything that will help me feel better day to day is a huge win for me.

You can use the code BLONDE for 15% off Seed’s Daily Synbiotic now, and I cannot wait to hear what you think!!! AHHH !! TBB Tribe gettin’ healthier and healthier, together!!

Okay what do you guys think?! Will you try them out? Did you learn something? I know I did and I am only scratching the surface here. This stuff is so exciting to me and I can’t wait to keep diving deep and learning more!

Overall when I think back on the last decade the word that comes to mind is strength. Without immense strength and so much confidence & belief in where I knew I was going, I would have crashed and burned so hard (and oh, I still did — but my strength kept me afloat). If you read my blog you know plenty about my health crises (yes, multiple), my brand, my passion for wellness, the many directions my business has taken. But when you may not know is that on the other side of all of that, my inner world has been a bit tumultuous and I finally, finally, finally going into 2019 feel as if I am coming out on the other side.

Giving you a little backstory even though it was BEFORE this decade… because it leads into this decade & explains a lot.

To keep it brief, I fell head over heels in love with a boy who quickly became my boyfriend when I was 14. The deepest kind of love that words could ever describe. I finally felt like I had an outlet for all of the loving energy flowing through my heart and body at all times, and it flowed right back to me through him. It was everything. It was BLISS. My friends loved him, my family loved him, we were happy. Young, of course, but happy.

We stayed up all night on the phone when we weren’t together, and when we were we laid on the tennis courts gazing at stars and the bright, glowing moon. We wrote each other poems and successfully got many of our best friends to date each other, so we could all spend as much time together as possible. We all had a lot of fun, made a lot of memories, we didn’t have a care in the world. But by the time we were 16 new challenges were sprouting up… he began dealing with not only a drug addiction but a life gripping mental illness.

I did everything I could to help. We all did. I thought that by encouraging him to get into therapy I was helping, but somehow the wild concoction of pills he was put on only served to make things much worse. A series of very scary and life altering events happened… from lines of cocaine in grandmothers’ bathrooms to drug induced fights that lead to many breakups (and then get-back-togethers)… to nights that felt wonderful and positive only for me to learn later they were fueled by him being on ecstasy, cocaine, pain pills, and more. Often they were drugs I had never even heard of.

When we were 16 was the first time he tried to take his own life. For one VERY LONG hour of my life, I thought he was dead. I really believed with my entire being that he was gone. It was pouring rain outside and just a few days before Christmas when I found his goodbye letter in my MySpace inbox that he’d send the night before. I went ballistic. Unless you’ve witnessed someone go completely hysterical, blacked out to their very core with grief, it’s hard to describe. But if you have, you know.

Although he did live I never did quite get over that hour of my life. It ended my childhood, and ended my blissful notion of what life looked like. Everything I believed about the world and how wonderful and good it was was shattered. I was thrilled that he was alive, but that thrill lead to a decade long obsession with keeping him alive and feeling responsible for his every move. Even after my move to LA and eventually to New York, this deep obsession and fear persisted. Every time I drank (which was constantly) ended in hysterical sobs and freak outs about him. He tried to end his life during that period many, many more times.

Now that bleeds right into this decade… because by 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 this was all still going very strong.

As the decade wore on I dated new people, had new experiences, got my degree in English & Journalism, headed to grad school, took on new business endeavors. But at the forefront of my mind he was always there. It wasn’t healthy for either of us but it was an unbreakable bond. I often questioned where did I end and where did he begin… I felt like my life’s purpose was to be there for him until I absolutely shattered. In many ways I felt like we were one.

I bring this all up because it’s actually impossible not to — it explains everything. Everything about me. It colored my life and many, many years of it. It lead me to everything I now know. To yoga (which legitimately saved my life at 16 when I could barely breathe I was experiencing so many panic attacks per hour), to the depth I seek within all friendships and relationships I develop, to the compassion that spills from my bones for all living beings, to the emphasis I put on my health & wellness and to my love for treating my body well from the inside out. To starting this blog as the creative outlet that fuels me, and to my eventual head over heels love (and obsession and reawakening) with spirituality — for that is the driving force in my life that guides me and brought me back into alignment when I was splitting apart at the seams.

It lead me to eating plant based because as a teenager I developed so many debilitating stomach problems that finding this anti-inflammatory way of life truly saved me… even before I dove into it full throttle many years later! And it gave my life so much purpose, so much meaning… the rug was ripped out from under me at a very delicate age. I know we all have our shit we go through, and I don’t claim for mine to be any worse than anyone else’s. It’s my journey and it has shaped me into who I am. At times it was hell and at times it still is, but I wouldn’t trade it — because it gave me my life. This life.

I have so much to say about all of this and I want to keep it succinct, so below I want to share the top 10 things I have learned in the last decade. I hope that by me opening up and sharing more of my personal life with you in a way that shows you a slice of my heart, you can both see how I became the person I am today and I hope it makes you feel less alone. So let’s dive into the list below (you know I love a good list).

Best thing about the decade was marrying this sweet angel human puppy soul who makes me better every day  

Top 10 Things I Have Learned This Decade //

1. Don’t wait until your health comes crashing down to put yourself first & take care of yourself from the inside out. I put myself on the back burner for MANY YEARS until my health came to a crashing halt a couple of years ago. I had to get to a point where I was so chronically fatigued I physically couldn’t get out of bed, and my skin was so on fire from rashes & Hives I could not exercise or really even move. I lost my ability to speak with any sort of ease, and lost all desire to be around anyone. Anything that required any human interaction was too exhausting for me to even think about, let alone do. It has taken me two years of exploring my health issues and the root cause of them to even begin to get back into balance… and even though it has been HARD, it has been the greatest gift I’ve ever been handed by the universe.

2. The universe knows what’s up, and it is always guiding me no matter how out of control things may feel. I have had some MAJOR things happen throughout this decade that have been very much out of my control. I won’t get into it all here, but about six years ago so much heartbreaking stuff was happening all around me with my family, my health, my relationships, and what felt like my entire life… that I truly saw zero light at the end of the tunnel. Now I realize that the entire time I was being guided. To surrender. To trust. To get through it. To develop resiliency. To come out on the other side as an entirely new, entirely stronger being.

I have always been extremely in touch with my intuition, even before I knew that that’s what I was experiencing. I am so glad I listened to the intuitive call to leave grad school, move back from NYC to LA 5 and a half years ago, and also stay in LA even when I was very unhappy and things felt impossibly hard. I am SO GLAD I listened to the intuitive call to start my blog! I had no idea back then when I started that it would lead me to blogging full time and living out the career of my dreams. It took hard work, but beyond that it took surrendering to the universe and being truly, wholeheartedly guided.

3. True love does not have to be complicated or messy or dramatic in order to have depth and be real — true love transcends all of that and enhances life in the best possible way. I shared a brief bit of my story with my first love above for many reasons, but one was to illustrate just how deeply I felt that love had to be complicated and messy in order to be real. Even after my first love that lasted on and off for literally a decade, I sought out relationships that were VERY complicated. I was drawn toward people who didn’t want to be with me or were completely unavailable for whatever reason. I thrived off of the drama and chaos within each relationship because it was all that I knew.

A good friend who knows both me & Jonathan told me several years ago, “When you’re ready to be with a good guy, you’ll be with Jonathan.” Then a few years later, I spoke to an animal communicator who through Huddy (MY CAT!!) said that very soon I would be dating one of my closest friends & to stop looking for love in all of the wrong places.

Well… I can’t tell you how true all of this is. Love doesn’t have to be complicated. Love shouldn’t be complicated. When it’s real, YOU KNOW. When you’re with someone who wants to be with you and who treats you the way you deserve, YOU KNOW. Everything changed for me when I opened myself up to being with someone who was truly kind to me. Things didn’t get boring just because they weren’t chaotic… life actually got way more interesting. I became so much more confident, so much happier.

And now, as of this November, I am MARRIED to this amazing man who I love so dearly. He has stuck by my side through so much. In fact, perhaps I am the complicated one given that I have been extremely sick for most of our relationship. He takes care of me so well. He is such a blessing in my life and I will never, ever stop being ridiculously grateful for him & all that he has shown me.

4. Pursuing creative passions is extremely important & I will never settle to do something for work that doesn’t excite me in my soul, but work is NOT EVERYTHING. People are. Ever since starting my blog in 2013 until about 2018… I really believed my work was my life. It is true that it’s a huge part of my purpose, but what I learned was that we are not here on this earth to be workaholics. We are here to create lasting connections, to experience love, to feel joy moving through us at all times with all beings. My views on life really shifted after getting sick. I have never been more appreciative of the people in my life, and I tell them so pretty much fanatically. I have never had so much compassion for all beings — animals, my Huddy man who literally saved me in so many ways and has added so much to my life, even to the magical powers of plants that have become so important in my healing journey.

In short, once I stopped being such a total workaholic, my world opened up in new ways. From adventures with people I love to inward plant medicine journeys, incredible healing treatments and serendipitous synchronicities right and left… life is so, so much sweeter now that I am more open and aware of what is beyond the work/brand aspect of my life. And on that note, my work is more fun and I am able to put SO MUCH MORE INTO IT now that my life has expanded in new and far deeper ways.

5. Sometimes you’ve got to let go of the rigid plans you have for yourself and let the universe work its flowy magic through your veins. My entire life my main dream and goal in life was to become an author. I always envisioned it would be fiction, but after starting this blog my horizon opened to memoir, cookbooks, poetry, you name it. After writing my first book Breaking Vegan in 2014, I became obsessively fixated on writing my next book. It’s like I couldn’t even enjoy becoming an author at the age of 24 because I was so diehard about what the next book would be.

For YEARS I obsessed over it, I beat myself up that it wasn’t happening, and I started so many different book ideas without finishing them. I wrote book proposals that pretty much ended up nowhere despite having an amazing agent and a great platform — simply because those ideas weren’t what the universe had in store for me. It took me all the way until this year to realize that in order to open up space for the universe to work in flow with me, I had to let go of the rigid plans and goals I had in place for myself.

And guess what? So many things have come through! Courses, marriage, healing my body in a real way, deeper relationships, spiritual awakening, a greater sense of happiness in every sense of the word. I still know that in my lifetime I will write many books. I am inspired and excited just thinking about it — but I am not tied in any steadfast way to what those books will be or when they will happen. I have learned to live in the flow of the universe, and it has been such a massive gift in my life.

6. The important things in life are very, very simple. Family, friendship, love, health, the ability to move our bodies and sleep and nourish ourselves and breathe. When I lost my health, and I lost my ability to do anything/everything I once lived, this became abundantly clear to me. This was certainly in every way, my lesson of the decade.

7. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings have a human experience. If #6 was my lesson of the decade, this is the lesson of my lifetime. Once I learned and embraced this undeniable truth, my life opened up in countless new ways. I remind myself of this every single day. It reminds me that when things seem hard and life isn’t going the way I want it to, it’s for a greater spiritual purpose. My enteral soul came here to learn, to grow, to experience, to expand. That is exactly what I am doing and that’s exactly what you’re doing too.

8. Never take life’s little pleasures for granted. Farmer’s market Sundays, coffee dates with my love, cuddles in bed with Hudson, a hot bubble bath with candles and a good book, a phone call with my mom, a stroll with my best friend. These little moments are what life is all about. When I stopped running from all that was important in life to chase something I thought was more important (work, material success, etc.)… I was finally able to see — the truest gifts in life were right in front of me all along.

9. Nature is the greatest healer of them all. Nature heals. Nature is the universe’s gift to us. Have you ever stared into a flower and wondered how it could possibly be created to be so beautiful and perfect? And then realized that whatever divine intelligence created that flower, created you? Next time you feel lost… wander into nature. Lean into a tree. You will remember. Everything we seek, everything we need, is right here on this beautiful planet. We are one with it all & we are a part of it all.

10. All of the answers we seek are inside of us… & if we can’t find them, we just have to get more still to reach them. Meditation, yoga, plant medicine, going inward. We have all of the answers we seek. They are not outside of ourselves. This simple truth has reminded me that when I am looking outside of myself to doctors, my family, other people’s opinions — I will never really get exactly what I need. My intuition always knows. It has lead me to everything in my life now & I don’t ever want to stop recognizing how incredible that really is. And the same is true for all of us!

IS IT SURPRISING THAT I JUST WROTE 3,000+ WORDS?!! I mean, it is a whole decade we are recapping here.

And I feel like there is so much I didn’t say… LOL!

I really hope that everything I’ve shared here, from my story that begins in 2004 all the way until now, gives you some insight or some guidance or some hope or some happiness, or at the very least makes you feel less alone!

We are all apart of something so, so much bigger than ourselves.

Perhaps that’s why my decade recap culminates with so much spirituality. That is at the core of everything. I have found myself again through spirituality — from eating plant based, to kundalini yoga, to meditating, to Ayurvedic medicine, to returning to nature, to so much more.

I don’t even know how to describe the depth of nostalgia I have been feeling with this decade coming to a close. Powerful shifts are happening. I literally see and feel past relationships and traumas and challenges moving and flowing up and out of my body during these last few days of the decade.

If you are feeling it too, it’s because you are very in tune. The truth is, we all are. Some of us just forget along the way. So much amazing stuff is coming in 2020 — I can’t wait to share my new content and projects with you guys and everything I am working on. But beyond that, I just can’t wait for life to keep unfolding. To keep healing. To keep living. To keep loving. To experience it all.

What about you? I would love to hear about your decade & the top things you’ve learned. This is a great time to set intentions & get clear on what you want to call into your life for the next year, decade, and beyond. Love you all so much. Thank you for being a part of my life. <3 Cheers to MANY MORE DECADES TOGETHER!

Well… I feel like there has been an elephant sitting on my chest for days now and that the pressure is finally lifting.

Actually the elephant has been there for a really long time and I just haven’t allowed myself to fully feel it or the immense weight it has been crushing my heart and soul with. Recently I have finally felt it all — a wall caved in, something in me broke, and the floodgates opened.

Big time. I felt it all, kicked and screamed and sobbed on the floor, cried it all out, let everything go, and I am… beginning to feel better from it.

Now that the weight is beginning to lift… I can breathe again. I am still questioning myself and feeling really uneasy with this new shift, but I am allowing the shift to come. I am allowing myself to explore it. I am allowing change to finally happen.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while then you know I have been very sick for almost two years. I was healthy and thriving when I started this blog, then sick but functioning, then sick and not really functioning, then sick and not functioning at all with no answers, and then I finally had answers, and now… for over a year… I have been healing.

I know, I know. If you’re already aware of my journey, trust me – I am sick of telling the same old story. I am sick of living the same old story. I am so, so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Chronic illness makes you feel debilitated in so many ways, but mostly in the sense that it just DOESN’T go away. There is no real relief. There is relief for days, weeks sometimes even, but it always comes back. And while I am a firm believer in healing and that I will 100% heal (I KNOW I WILL), my health history up until now doesn’t really show that trajectory. It’s pretty soul crushing.

Rock Bottom & What it Taught Me //

So the reason this elephant weight is lifting off of my chest is because I have finally, finally, FINALLLYYYYYYYYY made the decision to put myself first. Unapologetically and truly, in all of the ways.

It is so hard. Honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. I am spending 95% of my time in bed. I am allowing myself to heal, not just from surgery but from this disease. I am letting my phone ring and ring without answering it. I am continuing to miss big life events of important people in my life and while it crushes me, it is my only option.

And most of all, definitely the biggest of all, I have decided to put a pause on my podcast for the rest of the year.

I know…. I am crushed. I wish it didn’t have to come to that. But I know that it does. Even through my sickest, worst, most awful days, I released episodes. Even when I took “two months off” last year I didn’t really take the time off, I was still releasing old episodes and recording ads for all of them.

And this time I am going to release old episodes too, for a few months, but then for a few months I am going totally dark and I know while it scares the shit out of me, I also know it’s the right move.

I will be back for SEASON TWO of the Soul on Fire Podcast in 2020 and you guys won’t know what hit you. I am going to be full of energy, full of life, full of zest, and have a wonderfullll time chatting with my guests and actually have the energy and the bandwidth inside of me to do so.

I honestly and truly cannot wait.

(I still have a handful of already recorded episodes that will come out for the next 3-4 weeks or so, so there is still some newness with great guests to look forward to for now.)

Otherwise… letting myself rest, letting go of this death grip I have had on my identity and reality as a blogger/podcaster/who I have seen myself to be for so long, is going to be so unbelievably good for me.

I am over the moon about taking this time truly off and to myself even though it SCARES ME! But the elephant on my chest lifts higher and higher the more that I think about it.

Rock Bottom Itself //

Ugh. I hesitate to even write about this. It was such a very intimate and horrifying event. I wrote about it on my Instagram, and I want to share just a bit of it here too because I really hope that by being open about it, it can help some of you. Also because I have shared so much of my life and illness until this point it feels funny not to share this, since it is really the catalyst for so much impending change.

You guys know I had the Lyme cavitation oral surgery last week on four different parts of my mouth (from previous wisdom teeth sites, which I saw on FB I had removed 11 years ago TODAY which is so insanely wild / universe vibey) and while the surgery itself was fine yet very painful… the detox I have experienced has been intense and brutal.

We are getting the toxins that were removed from the surgery biopsied so I will find out in a few weeks what exactly they are — mold, heavy metals, Lyme, parasites… what have you, but let’s just say whatever it is has been affecting my brain and body big time.

Before I went to sleep I took a lot of different things — my usual supplements, chlorella (a LOT of chlorella, too much chlorella I now realize) to soak up the toxins, my pain medication, and also THC.

Without getting into too much detail (too painful… too soon), in the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn’t move. Couldn’t see. Couldn’t feel my body except for my heart beating out of my chest and insane pain shooting through every organ and muscle and bone. Everything was black and fuzzy. I was seeing red, then white, then pure black. I thought I was having a stroke, a heart attack, or both.

One thing for sure is that I thought I was dying.

I went into the bathroom before it all hit me to try to get my bearings, and that is when I realized my body was shutting down. I screamed for Jonathan, he helped me through a LOT, and then we called my mom and she came downstairs (the perks of living in the same building as family).

I was screaming for Jonathan to call my doctor or call an ambulance but we really just didn’t know what was going on. It mimicked a panic attack and J and my mom weren’t sure what to do. There was no right or wrong — but if you find yourself in this situation, 100% call 911.

They stayed with me while I slipped in and out of consciousness. One moment I felt sort of okay, the next moment my heart was racing, my brain was throbbing and buzzing, I couldn’t see, and I felt like I was falling into a black hole. They stayed up, holding my hands, reminding me to breathe, until the worst of it continued to pass.

I was awake all night after that – if I closed my eyes, I would go into a spinning dizzy black hole and experience the worst nausea / panic I have ever known. It came in waves — the heart racing and the stroke-like feeling in my brain. The worst of it all was the beginning of it in the bathroom, feeling like every organ in my body was shutting down. Completely.

The next morning I looked up the reaction between my pain medication and THC. It was in the red zone for DO NOT TAKE TOGETHER. The combination frequently causes heart attack, stroke, coma, and death.

Whatever it was that I experienced, it was the closest I have ever come to feeling like I was dying. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.

One day, when I have more distance from the situation, I will write about it in greater detail. I gained a lot of insights and was visited by many angels, guides, and even demons. I kid you not. I don’t know what it is that you believe in, but when you have a near death experience like this — the things you see are…. unbelievable and very hard to articulate. (Even for me, who is obsessed with articulating everything.)

Just know that one day, in a BOOK, I will share more.

I know that’s what this whole journey is for.

To go through it myself and help other people.

Write a book about it, and so much more.

The path of the wounded healer.

It is never easy, at all, but it is my path and I am honored to be on this path.

I am determined to see the gift in it, even on my darkest days.

If you think any of this sounds… well… like a fascinating rollercoaster of ups and downs, it’s mostly just a down. I have given up my life for this disease, I am mourning the death of my old life, I have hit a rock bottom so dark and painful I didn’t even know I could go there. I have experienced a depression from this disease that I really did NOT believe or think my mind would have the capacity to feel.

I see, with 100% clarity, why there are people taking their own lives every single day of every single year.

I know my path is to be here on this earth, I know it with my whole heart, but trust me when I say that I understand on a deep level why this life can be too much for people.

It is brave as hell to go through this.

Myself, all of the people who walk beside me, all who came before me, and all who will come after me — are brave as hell.

There are gifts in the dark corners of this experience. You get to see who your true friends are. The ones who show up in your darkest hour and stay, no matter what. And those who run the other way because there is nothing fun, nothing easy, and nothing normal about this situation. It’s really just messy and shitty from all angles.

Another gift is, you get to reevaluate your life.

Beyond taking a break from my podcast, I will be doing LESS in all areas. Dropping the pressure I have put on myself for so long — as a blogger, podcaster, friend, family member, fiancé, all of it.

I am enough. It’s okay if I disappoint people. It kills me, but it’s okay. The true, real, core people have always understood it and they always will.

My dear friends and healers Kelsey Patel, MaryAnn DiMarco, and Bree Melanson have all channeled very similar things for me during this time — DOING LESS & dropping the pressure. And a lot of other things.

The gifts are endless, truly. But I will talk about those another day.

As far as social media, I will continue to use it consciously because our community keeps me going and gives me strength. I am going to try to cut back on the time I spend on my phone for sure, and email, and technology as a whole. But in a conscious and mindful way, I would like to stay connected and keep sharing.

Plus, upcoming wedding…!

Over the weekend I had a lot of time to think. I sobbed on my shower floor for a good many hours. Sobbed HARD. I thought about EVERYTHING. I wrote ferociously in my phone, and will share a bit of it with you at the end of this post.

I thought a lot about my wedding coming up, in just 84 short days.

I thought about how little I have been able to contribute to the planning experience.

I thought about my mom picking up my wedding dress because I have been glued to my bed and the fact that I haven’t even seen it yet.

I thought about my almost husband doing all of the planning with our planner, invitation designer, the venue, and more.

I thought about this once in a lifetime, momentous day to celebrate my forever union with the man of my dreams.

I thought about looking back on this day in 5, 10, 50+ years… and how the one thing that will matter is whether I felt okay and healthy enough to be there and to enjoy it.

I am strong, and very tough. I push through everything. Every day is me pushing through. Working and podcasting for the last two years is me PUSHING through. I have learned to take a lot of downtime, but absolutely no one (including myself most of the time) quite understands or sees how hard I have pushed to continue to live and do things while feeling this way.

I do not want to look back on my wedding day and think, “God, I wish I would have allowed myself to take a break and get strong and healthy again for even just a few months.”

I am desperate to be just a little bit stronger, do some yoga, exercise again before my wedding. ANYTHING.

I see people talking about their “wedding body” and “sweating for the wedding” (nothing wrong with that), and I am over here like… I fucking pray I will be able to walk down the aisle and last though the wedding weekend without being in crippling pain and crushed by detrimental exhaustion.

But I too want to be healthy and strong on that day! More than anything. I know the physical and mental benefits of exercise. I am dying to get back to it, even in a very low impact kind of way.

So as I have said to my best friend 100 times throughout this experience, if all I do for the next 3 months is rest, go to yoga, and see the very closest people to me — then I will be happy. And that is really not what I have been doing up until this point. I have been doing so much, and it really has not included yoga, rest, or prioritzing.

On that new list does not really include work. I NEED to let go of that, at least for right now.

I know this is turning into a very stream of consciousness post, but when you lay in your bed and sob into your future husband’s arms about how terrified you are for your upcoming wedding because you thought and hoped and prayed you’d be healthier by now — you realize a lot of shit you thought mattered, doesn’t matter.

OUR HEALTH IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Rock bottom is teaching me so much.

Yesterday afternoon I laid on the couch, thought about my clear schedule due to everything I am having to cancel, read a magazine and felt happy, truly happy, for the first time in so long.

I felt no pressure, for the first time in so long.

And guess what? The people who are meant to be in your life, will always get it. I am missing one of my best friend in the universe’s bachelorette next weekend, which is devastating and there is no way around that, but no one has been kinder or more supportive than her. (Clare, I love you.)

I know that anyone who doesn’t get it, just has never had to walk in these shoes and can’t fathom the compassion that is needed in order to try to understand it. But I am blessed to be surrounded by a handful of people with the biggest hearts and the most wholehearted compassion I have ever known. Plus, Clare and I are going to have the best re-do bachelorette before her wedding just the two of us and I am going to be so healthy and I can already see it now.

I choose to focus on that gratitude. I choose to focus on love, in my darkest days and beyond. ESPECIALLY on my darkest days.

Because I know I will enter into the light again. And I absolutely cannot wait.

I love you all so, so much. And would love your thoughts below. I am going to miss podcasting during this time but I will be releasing an episode with more detail about why I made this decision and what to expect, sometime in the next few weeks. XO

P.S. this is what I wrote in my phone while I was sobbing my eyes out all weekend:

wellness is sobbing on the bathroom floor, saying no to everything that won’t further your healing (no matter how hard it is), eating vegan ice cream for breakfast because your soul knows it will cheer you up.

wellness is canceling plans when you need to, consistently asking your body what it needs, and meditating before making any big decisions. 

wellness is unapologetically putting yourself first even when every long held story in your head tells you you’re being selfish by doing that. it’s no longer worrying if people may or may not get it. it’s putting your energy back into you.

it’s not holding back the tears but letting them flow hard and fast. it’s wailing in the shower and not worrying if your neighbors might hear you. it’s mourning your old life because it was a damn good one and it deserves how much you miss it while also knowing everything will be okay again one day.

it’s asking straight up for what you need instead of resenting anyone in your life for seemingly not getting it. it’s laying in bed with your hands on your body sending your organs nice thoughts and love when that’s all you have to give.

it’s a fine balance between looking at old photos and videos and missing and loving who that girl was, and knowing that who she is and will always be is strong and beautiful and real and true and honest and good.

it’s sobbing and breaking down and hitting rock bottom and being okay with rebuilding. it’s being okay with things not being even remotely okay. it’s being okay with finally letting go and giving in and not forcing anything to flow. not forcing movement or talking or faking it in any way.

it’s asking for what you need. 

^ and a hell of a lot more. More to come. XOXO

I was scheduled for a podcast that day, had a birthday dinner to go to, and had several other plans throughout the weekend. I’ve scheduled myself pretty heavily for the coming week as I have my upcoming oral surgery (for Lyme cavitations) on July 30th & my monkey mind always finds it so “important” to get a lot of work out of the way before being down for the count for a while post-surgery.

While I was getting ready for my podcast interview I got a text from Jonathan asking me to swing by a store to get a gift for the dinner we were going to.

It wasn’t just the text alone (totally reasonable request), but something in me snapped. The tightly wound ball I had crammed myself into to get through the week (month/year) was quickly unraveling. I was in my bathroom washing my face and just started sobbing. Like… really, really sobbing.

I was sobbing because I was so exhausted I could barely move. Because getting out of bed that morning was absolutely miserable and my entire body was in searing pain. Because I want to be a helpful fiancé who says yes to little favors and can actually get things done. Because I am so sick of being a sick person who can’t do anything normally and who doesn’t want to be anywhere ever except for in bed.

Because it was hitting me that Jonathan’s birthday is this coming week and I don’t have anything planned — and even if I did plan something, I would be a mess anticipating it all week because of how awful I feel.

Sobbing because THAT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE ME. I don’t feel like myself. Healthy Jordan would have this all figured out, handling it all, it would all be a piece of cake. But this Jordan feels like a mess. And what I’ve come to realize is I am all of it… I don’t have to label myself one way or the other. I am ME. There is no “healthy Jordan” to get back to — this is my current normal. This is my life. My one and only life to get used to and fall in love with.

So I sobbed and sobbed. J texted me back saying everything was more than fine and he could get the gift and not to worry about planning anything for his birthday at all. That everything is completely perfect as it is, that I put too much pressure on myself, and that everything is working out just the way it’s supposed to.

How’s that for an amazing fiancé? I mean… he’s perfect. For me. That’s another story for another day.

Anyway the truth is this whole thing has been so hard. Luckily my podcast guest on Friday was my dear friend and also my life guru and reiki master Kelsey Patel — one of the small handful of people I can be COMPLETELY myself with and share my absolute truest of truths with. We had a wonderful time chatting and catching up and soul gazing. She is my person, my soul family, and I feel so lucky.

But then Friday evening I fell back into a slump. On the way to the dinner I laid (yes, laid down) in the car with tears in my eyes. Going anywhere is a struggle. My joints were on fire. I had a migraine. My jaw was throbbing. This is a daily occurrence but sometimes it’s just so much worse than other times.

As I was laying all the way down in the car listening to J’s favorite music (Kid Cudi) and trying to pull it together, he said to me, “You need to get back to your meditation. Your crystals. Do more spiritual things. Make less plans. Do more yoga. Sleep more. Stop with the pressure on yourself.”

And it hit me… SO HARD.

This whole thing has been a massive learning experience because I realized that when I am feeling my lowest, I “punish” myself (unknowingly) by completely turning my back on my spiritual practice.

When I am feeling like absolute crap from Lyme and co-infections and pain and beyond, what I need is my spiritual connection. What I need is self care and love. What I need is my soul’s connection and my own self love.

But what I tend to give myself is the exact opposite.

I get stressed about not feeling well so I put pressure on myself to do more. I grab my phone when I wake up to check in on the course sales rather than wake up and meditate. I make plans with my friends because I get scared that being this sick will just isolate me when really I need rest/alone time without the fear of isolation. Because this is fleeting — it’s not my life forever. And I need to treat it that way so I can get the rest and care I so deserve.

I typed this into my phone when we got to the restaurant (with J’s encouragement) and it inspired this whole post:

Sometimes I like to share the background stories with you like this because you see that this blog is truly just my online diary. I have the major pleasure of getting to share my thoughts with you, and I know so many people out there feel this way.

If you are in pain and you are suffering from a chronic illness, I get it. The “chronic” part of chronic illness is SO HARD. So hard to reconcile. Years have passed and I still feel this way… it still shocks me. Every time.

So my saving grace is my spiritual practice.

Meditating.

Remembering that I am an eternal soul.

Reconnecting to my spirit and my light beings and my angels.

Channeling the pleiadians (beautiful beings of light who want us all to feel light and love and high vibes.)

Resting and listening to high vibrational music.

Focusing on the law of attraction to bring myself back to alignment.

Alone time.

Time with my love and my Huddy man.

Less pressure on myself.

YOGA or stretching at home even when my body isn’t up for a full blown class.

Taking baths and programming my crystals.

Napping with my crystals on my chest.

Massages, facials, lymphatic drainage, acupuncture, cupping.

Watching Real Housewives or Vanderpump Rules or something similar because it ZONES my brain out.

I want to share this so that if you feel this way too you know you’re not alone.

Also, I want to let you know that today is the final day to sign up for my course — Waking Back Up To Your Own Soul. This course never would have happened without my health hitting absolute rock bottom.

Once I hit my absolute breaking point, I learned how to reconnect to my soul and my spirit.

And as you can see from this post, the journey HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT. I still fall off the wagon.

But isn’t it nice to know we are all human?

And if you choose to do this course with me, then you know you are learning from a friend. A peer. Someone going through the journey with you. I am careful to say I am not a teacher or a guide – I am a story teller. I am a 28-year-old with Lyme diving deep into my soul and learning so much. I am here to do this WITH you.

This will likely be the only time I offer this course with live elements like the four live webinars / Zoom calls, a live interaction FB group (with me), and the fun giveaways I am still doing with brands like REBBL, Four Sigmatic, Philosophie, and more.

You can sign up for the course & learn more here!

Leave any questions below! About this course, Lyme, my story, etc. HERE FOR YOU… we’ve got this and we will heal. So, so much love.

Also… such a huge shoutout to this man right here. It hasn’t been an easy journey but he makes it all so much easier by being there and being mine. I don’t know what I would do without him. He brings me back to my soul and my spiritual practice every time… even when I completely forget or won’t allow myself to do so.

No idea why we punish ourselves in this way but it’s definitely a think. So wild. So much love to everyone out there in the same or similar boat. <3

That means a bunch of you have started on this journey & have been sharing the beginning stages of it with me.

HEART EXPLOSIONS WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

There is still one more week to sign up for the course (cart closes 7/22!). We are still running huge giveaways, even though we’ve passed the first 100 sign ups we have 5 big gift baskets + a singing bowl to give away + some fun prizes scattered throughout for new signups.

So!! You ready to hear what people are saying about the course?!

Alriiiight here is some feedback thus far //

“Okay guys – I had the MOST AMAZING experience in the module one meditation- I finally feel my soul with me and I am crying so so so so happy and know this is just the start of such an incredible journey. I know that being connected with my soul will help me heal and be my highest self  I journaled lots on the plane and feel so inspired and ecstatic. Thank you Jordan – this is already life changing  I am even going to go out and find myself an extra special crystal that resonates with my soul while I am here in NZ.”
– Grace Adams

“For now I just wanted to say I just did the introduction and introduction meditation and I was moved to full tears throughout the entire meditation. I was in the happiest place I’ve ever experienced and it was so filled with true love, peace and happiness my whole body was moved to the core and the tears wouldn’t stop. My heart also felt a lot of tension as I began the meditation and towards the end it was so completely soothed. I saw my aura in bands of rainbows happy and joyfully walking in front of me. I saw my whole body being wrapped in soft white ribbons, circling all around me. I am calling in my purpose. I am calling in my unique way of helping and impacting the earth and the beings of the earth. I saw myself writing and I saw myself teaching. Truly, one of the most moving and beautiful experiences I’ve ever felt. So much love flowing out of me to all of you and especially you Jordan. My heart is completely cracking open ”
– Lexi Pew, @lexilaurenp

“I just have to say that I’m loving the meditations you’re sharing with us this far. I’m working on Module 1 so I’ve done that one as well as the intro and both times i had a release of tears, so I know they’re helping to shift some energy. Thank you again!!!”
– Melissa Light

“Crying each time. The music is fantastic. I would love it just as background music to meditate on my own too.”
– Whitney Shurr

“This program is blowing my mind. It’s so clear that you were completely in the flow and channeling every detail. Oh my gosh the tingles and sensation of cold air during your meditation at the end was unlike anything I’ve experienced. It’s already given me clarity on something I’ve been wrestling with ahhh!”
– Anonymous

You can learn all about the course HERE !!

You can check out the course payment plan HERE !!

You have exactly one more week to join us. EEK… YAY!

I want to let you know in advance this is not my usual optimistic spin on things and this is very real and raw and from the heart. I have had an incredibly rough few days, and when I’m being very honest with myself I know it’s been an incredibly rough few years.

I am lucky to have so many good things in my life. Jonathan, my family, a job I love where I am able to work from home and create from my heart, a handful of incredible friends, obviously the best cat ever (hi Huddy man), but this shit ain’t easy. I am so ridiculously sick and I wonder sometimes how I am maintaining my career let alone my life… (well I know, and that’s because you guys are awesome and have totally evolved alongside of me and that’s why I am able to keep blogging full-time.)

But still.

So let’s get into it, now that I’ve intro’d you into what you’re going to be reading. Enjoy my brain spill.

There is nothing easy about being sick with a chronic disease. I try to think back to what it was like before I felt this way, doing this intricate dance with Lyme disease and my life, and it has been so long I am not even sure that I can pinpoint when it was that I felt normal.

College is the first thing that comes to mind, but I know even 4-ish years ago I was feeling a lot better than I do now, even if the symptoms were already coming on. It’s wild to try to count the years/figure it out, even though the “when” doesn’t necessarily matter. My brain is just constantly trying to wrap its head around what it must feel like to not feel like this.

I am still getting used to everything that comes along with having something that is chronic. With regular illnesses we get sick, it sucks, and the only saving grace is knowing that it’s going to go away. I think most days I still have trouble believing that this is not going away. Yes, I will get better and feel way healthier than I do now… but for the most part, I will always be managing the symptoms and nursing a delicate system after this experience.

Right now I am at the stage where I am realizing that it’s been almost two years of feeling completely not myself. I have hit the point where it’s been long enough I realize many people in my life simply know me this way — only this way — and never knew me when I was healthy.

Chatting with my best friend the other day it struck us that even the night Jonathan and I first kissed and then started dating, I was already feeling all of the symptoms of Lyme Disease that have now become my norm. So the love of my life, who loves me whether I’m healthy as can be or totally bedridden, has yet to get to experience me at my fullest without this disease. That is a wild feeling.

I have gone through so many stages of how I feel about having chronic Lyme since i was diagnosed last June. I went from relieved about having answers, to over the moon and vindicated that I hadn’t been wrong about how I felt for all these years, to being slightly terrified and overwhelmed about this new life of treatments and protocols and medications, to being totally heartbroken and frustrated over things that I have missed / can’t do, to pretty optimistic about my progress, to totally frustrated all over again because healing is simply not linear.

Lately I feel all sorts of ways about it all depending on the moment. Most of the time I feel very grateful for this healing path and all that it’s taught me- in those moments I feel optimistic about my protocol and a wave of extreme patience and calm washes over me knowing that I am on a long, but steady path toward healing. 

Other times my symptoms hit me so hard, flaring terribly seemingly out of nowhere, they leave me bedridden and in pain and completely unable to live even somewhat similar to my normal life. These last few days have been that way. 

On Saturday night I was up ALL. NIGHT. with raging insomnia, which is one of my indicators that everything is really starting to flare. Of course lack of sleep doesn’t do me any favors either. So by Sunday morning I felt like I had been hit by a semi truck. Jonathan took one look at me when he woke up and told me I needed to stay home and rest, which at first I resisted because we had plans with our families and I was so looking forward to it. 

Thankfully I listened (sometimes I need a major push and some tough love in order to open my eyes to what I really need) because as the day went on I reached a point where lifting my arm to grab my water glass from my nightstand was too exhausting for my body.   

Too tired to read or watch TV, too stimulated and panicky to sleep. While I laid there I considered the position I was in and went through extreme waves of emotions. On the one hand I feel lucky and grateful for the treatments I’m able to receive and for the many good days that I have.

On the other hand I feel totally lost and I ask myself everything from “Why on earth am i planning a wedding right now?” imagining the happiest day of my life being clouded by these raging symptoms, to “If I felt this way every day I wouldn’t see the point in living.”

It’s a total roller coaster. When the “chronic” part of chronic illness seeps in… it can be hard to remember life before being this sick. 

Something I see a lot of in our High Vibe Chronic Lyme and Chronic Illness Tribe on Facebook is that so many people out there are not only struggling with their illness, but struggling to gain acceptance + understanding from just about anyone in their life about what they are going through. It breaks my heart. I have very much been in that position as well, but I am now at the point where if someone doesn’t get it / respect the unique way I have to do things right now… I don’t have the energy for it. I know whoever is meant to be in my life will get it, and they do.

I think what a lot of people don’t realize is that a lot of us with chronic illness also struggle immensely with guilt. I mean immensely. I often wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing out of my chest, overcome with panic stricken guilt about something I forgot to do or someone I fear is disappointed in me for not being well enough to be in their life or most often about my plans for the next day or the coming week just knowing they’re going to be nearly impossible to make it to. 

It can feel impossible to feel like I am “doing enough” as a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a fiancé, a cat mom, a human… and something about the anxiety of the middle of the night can bring those thoughts and fears into a full blown tail spin. It makes me want to jump out of bed and do a million things at once, and keeps me up all night to the point where waking up the next day feels like the hardest thing in the world.

It is my nature to get inspired about my work and overbook myself in the moments I am feeling well — overbook myself with podcast guests, events, trips, plans, deadlines, all of the things i cannot even fathom doing or engaging in when I’m feeling at my sickest. So planning ahead is… so hard!!! I never know what I am going to be up for or not up for, and running a business that way is hard. 

I usually just push my way through it but some days I look at Jonathan and say, “I cannot do the podcast tomorrow. I need to cancel my guest.” And he will look at me like, “Seriously?” because we both know there’s a good chance that person will not understand and will be frustrated AF. I hate doing that, but I also hate showing up to record something I am so passionate about sharing with you guys when I just don’t have it in me — or doing anything at all when I can’t give it my all, including catching up with a friend over coffee. I can’t fake it when I feel like shit.

On a walk with my parents yesterday, during a good few hours.

It comes in waves. Most days are both good and bad in terms of energy levels and how I feel. Other days are purely bad, and they last for days or weeks on end. Usually by “bad” that means severe exhaustion, brain fog, body pain, nausea, and an overall lack of motivation to function or get out of bed and face the day. 

I know on social media it looks like things are all fine and dandy. Even in person it looks that way! Invisible illnesses are so difficult that way, so painful. Maybe you’ll notice a lack of zest in my eyes or a lack of strength in my voice, or you’ll think I am just not interested in what you are saying. Or perhaps you’ll think I am a flake because I often have to cancel at the last minute these days.

But that’s not it at all… it’s a struggle to be out of bed at all, always, any day of the week, and if I am… I am probably struggling. Barely able to retain info in a conversation. But looking 100% normal and healthy.

Once in a while I will have a streak of good days (which is amazing!!), but I am still learning how to handle them so they don’t end up being depleting. In fact a few days of last week I felt quite good, and I absolutely ran myself into the ground because I was so overjoyed about my energy and inspiration and zest for life/work/exercise that I just wanted to use it all while I had it. Because sometimes even when I don’t use it, it still goes away the very next day. 

I am still very much figuring out my healing formula. A combination of eastern and western medicine has been serving me well. I mostly take herbal remedies for Lyme and co-infections, get vitamin infusions, juice 3x a day, do coffee enemas 2x a day, get colonics weekly, acupuncture, massage / fascial release, eat an SOS free diet, do yoga and light jogs / walks when i can, try to get a lot of sleep and live as low stress as possible. But I also get antibiotic IVs twice a week and taking anti-malarial pills for babesia… and I am not sure I would exist without all of that too.

The unfortunate thing is that even healing can be an exhausting job. Driving to the doctors office and getting treatments for a few hours is just about all my body can handle in a day. But when I don’t do it, in favor of more rest and downtime or squeezing in more things for work, it backfires on me terribly. At least when I am doing it, I know I am putting in the effort to heal and that feels good even when it’s hard.

Soooo… that is my update. It’s not easy. It’s painful. I am guilt ridden, even though I am working hard to try to let go of that guilt because I know feeling guilty is pointless and I am putting that pressure on myself, no one else is. I am tired and crying on the inside ALL of the time, no matter where I am or what I am doing… being in bed always sounds much better.

I look forward to feeling better. I know I will heal. I have dedicated my life to healing. I am going to Vancouver this weekend to study the Gerson therapy and kick off my health coaching program (I also ask myself why the F am I doing this right now when I feel the way that I do???? Because I am Jordan and this is the kind of shit I do) and I am excited because I do believe this way of life will help me heal.

I am so dedicated. I will do whatever it takes to get better. And I am just lucky and blissfully grateful to have you all along for the ride. Thank you. I am also lucky to have the best family, fiancé, and friends in the world and I will never stop being appreciative for their support that I know not everyone has the luxury of experiencing.

Thank you so much for reading this brain spill about living with Lyme. I know this post wasn’t uplifting but it was real, and that’s what I’m here for. I’m just glad my brain fog finally lifted enough for me to write it.

Love & adore you all. Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. <3 Also would love to hear your stories in the comments. Join our Chronic Illness FB tribe if this convo resonates with you. xx 

When I was at True North earlier this month doing my most recent water fast, I kept getting signs from the universe that I was there for a much bigger reason. True North is a health center that teaches the SOS-free way of life (salt oil sugar free, which you can read about here), and is also where I first learned about SOS-free and started implementing it into my life last May.

As I looked around True North it struck me very clearly that I was the youngest person there for some sort of larger purpose. I went to the cooking classes and the lectures and soaked up as much information as I could, and kept getting filled with this greater knowing that part of my purpose in life and especially part of my purpose in getting sick with Lyme is to help people heal by spreading the SOS-free message to a younger generation. It was a larger series of events that brought me to TN in the first place (I believe guided from above!).

While I was there I was filled with inspiration to create so many recipes when I returned home, and also to write a SOS-free cookbook and guide book for all of the many people out there who are looking to learn more and enhance their life with this anti-inflammatory, disease-friendly way of eating. But I also knew there was more, and I asked the universe to show it to me.

In the middle of my fast I sat on the floor in my room at and meditated for a long while to get clear on what I wanted the universe to bring to me. I was very open, and I said, “Show me the way I’m going to help people heal from chronic disease. Show me how to heal my body from chronic disease so I can help others. Unveil to me what it is I am supposed to be doing because I am filled with such massive inspiration to do it, but I am lost as to what *it* is, so point me in the right direction.”

From there, I let it be. I totally surrendered. I let go of what the response from the universe might look like, or when I would get it. But I wrote it down, continued to meditate on it, and felt very excited for what was to come. Fasts are also a great time to tune into yourself and just BE, outside of your daily routine and distractions from life, so I felt ultra clear on my path and my inspiration.

The Universe Answered //

Fast forward to returning home to Sacramento after the fast, and of course, the most miraculous thing happened. I had been making recipes like crazy and studying all things SOS-free to learn about what I could do to dive deeper and help people. There wasn’t a whole lot out there, but I kept looking. I watched the documentary HEAL (LIFE CHANGING) for the third time because I can’t get enough of it, and I got my parents drinking juices and smoothies every day. It felt so good to be back in the world and I was feeling super in the flow.

Insert the miraculous thing: one of my amazing blog readers Christine (@bluecrushwellness on IG) responded to one of the many SOS-free recipes I was posting and told me that she was in the middle of a health + detox coaching program based on the Gerson therapy, and that she would be happy to help with recipe testing any time if I did end up creating an SOS-free cookbook.

The whole message was amazing, but what most stuck out to me was the program. I said to her, “WAIT! Tell me more about this program!! Send me an email!!”

Christine sent me an email right away full of info and incredible inspiration. The program was EXACTLY what I had been looking for. When she mentioned the woman who started the program, Nicolette Richer, I realized the name sounded super familiar. So I checked my inbox and connected the dots — SO MANY people have pointed me toward Nicolette ever since my chronic Lyme diagnosis. She helps so many people heal. I had never contacted her before because I was receiving SOOO much info about what to do / how to heal / who to contact, etc. etc.

But now the time felt so right. So of course I immediately went onto Nicolette’s website & contacted her. I told her I was interested in the program, I wanted to meet her, I had a podcast that I wanted to have her on, the whole works!

It turns out she was coming to LA that very week from Canada and would be able to come over and be on the podcast! So on Monday of this week I met her, fell even more in love with her message and her knowledge, and simultaneously signed up for her health + detox coaching program, that starts at the end of this month!!!

The serendipities are WILD. The Universe answered.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE BEEN JUICING SO MUCH !!

What is the Gerson therapy?! //

The Gerson therapy is a diet and lifestyle that was created by Max Gerson in the 1920s. It aims to rid the body of toxins and to strengthen the immune system to fight disease. It involves an SOS-free plant-based diet full of fruits and veggies from the earth, lots of cold-pressed juices, and whole gluten-free grains. It’s wild because I have been researching the Gerson therapy for years, but I never had a direct tie to it until I got sick myself.

In fact that first time I heard about it I researched it for about a week straight, I was obsessed with it (as I get with things), but ended up moving on from learning about it because at the time I was quite healthy — but I filed it away in my mind for if I ever got sick or anyone I loved got sick.

The Gerson therapy is most known as an alternative treatment for cancer, but it is also used to treat other diseases. Because of its aim to rid the body of toxins and strengthen the immune system, it can truly treat any disease. Nicolette has incredible stories of people who have healed from every disease under the sun — she has been living this lifestyle for 22 years! I cannot wait for you guys to hear those stories on the podcast, which will be out in 2 weeks.

The toxin ridding part of the lifestyle is done through coffee enemas. For people who are sick with chronic disease, this could mean up to 5 enemas a day. I have been doing 2 enemas a day so far and I have already noticed a boost since I began. I used to do one enema a day, as they are GREAT for people with Lyme who have an excess of toxins and trouble detoxing them.

Also for chronically ill patients the aim is to drink between 9-13 cold pressed juices a day (8oz each) to flood the body with nutrients and flush those toxins out. So now you know why I have been juicing an extra amount!!

Also, check out these carrot pulp muffins I made from the pulp from my carrot juice!!! YUM!

Its even crazy that I was watching the documentary HEAL the night before Christine reached out to me, because the Gerson therapy is hinted at in that doc a handful of times. I was telling my mom about Gerson while we watched and how the Gerson therapy is truly the original SOS-free.

I have had an inkling for a while that trying the Gerson therapy would be beneficial in my healing journey, but I also didn’t know the first thing about it. In Nicolette’s program I will be learning everything from the science to the biology to the history of treating disease… it’s going to be intensive in the best way. I will be writing term papers & doing case studies & even taking on clients during this time (stay tuned for that!!).

And the best part is, I will get the opportunity to help my own body heal in the process.

And if I am getting really deep into the spiritual aspect of it, which I totally can with you guys, Charlotte Gerson (Max Gerson’s daughter) passed away last month at the age of 97. I can feel her gently guiding me from the other side as I continue to learn/devour this information about the Gerson lifestyle. I believe she is giving me those gentle nudges when I need them most, and I am so grateful.

ALSO, since then, the Gerson therapy has shown up in my life every day, multiple times a day!!! When I showed up to record this weeks episode of the podcast with Dara Dubinet & Jenna Zoe, Dara quoted Charlotte Gerson within minutes of me walking in her door. “If you cure one disease, you cure all.”

I’m sorry, but I believe there are no coincidences in this life!

More details?! //

If you want to look into the program yourself, you can find it here at Richer Health. This particular program starts at the end of this month, and there is another starting in September. Tell them TBB sent you!

Also, they have offered a generous 20% off code off of their Eat Real to Heal 5-week program — ERTHBLONDE1 — for any of our TBB tribe who would like to join that particular program that they also offer.

Also, how wild that it starts at the end of this month?! When I was looking for something to start as soon as possible?! The synchronicities continue to blow my mind.

The is that disease can be cured by removing toxins from the body, boosting the immune system, and replacing excess salt in the body’s cells with potassium is such a beautiful thing to hear, especially when you’ve been suffering for so long. And it MAKES SENSE. I believe in doing alternative, nutrition-based therapies alongside of whatever it is that you’re doing with your doctor or naturopath to heal disease.

I believe we can all heal as long as we find the right path for us, and as long as we BELIEVE on a deep, cellular level that we will heal.

I mean, have you heard of this book?! If not, you should read it. We can ALL heal. It’s a matter of mindset, nutrition, dedication, community, support, belief, spirituality… it’s a matter of knowing there is something greater out there helping us heal. And it’s a matter of taking our health into our OWN hands.

I am so, so, so excited & humbled for this experience to come. I have been taking my health into my own hands ever since I got diagnosed with Lyme. I have refused to sit back and let Lyme take over my life, or ruin it. This journey has been a huge learning experience for me. I am still in bed 90% of the time — I am writing this post from bed. It has been hard, really f*cking hard. I am not going to sugar coat that.

But if I can take what I have learned and what I have suffered from, from Lyme to babesia to mold poisoning to MCAS to MTFHR to chronic hives/chronic eczema to chronic fatigue to brain fog and more, then I will be happy. I know we are only given what we can handle, and I am SO thrilled to finally have found a program to learn more about the SOS-free nutrition that I believe so deeply in so I can help YOUUU !!!! HEAL !!!

Would love your thoughts below! Let’s hear them! Have you heard of the Gerson therapy? Would you try it? xx

In this post I will break down my choices to go vegan again for health reasons, Lyme healing reasons, for the animals, for my spirituality, and for the environment. I will also touch on my past with veganism because I know it’s a subject in my life that gets a lot of questions, as well as the orthorexia component… which I have very detailed thoughts about. I hope you enjoy and I hope you soak it allll in, I know it’s a lot!

I want to preface this post by saying I still believe everyone’s gotta do what’s right for them first and foremost, and I don’t want anyone to feel like because this is my path it needs to be theirs. I actually think every single human on this planet’s path is different from the other, and that is what is so beautiful about us all being here.

K? Let’s dive in.

Vegan for the animals //

I was looking at a photo I took with Huddy yesterday, my angel cat who changed my life in 2938298 ways when I adopted him 3.5 years ago, and something struck me really hard: my health permitting, I would never eat animals again.

I have never been into that comparison in the past by the way, the idea that if someone has an animal they shouldn’t eat meat, or the notion that being a mama to a domestic cat has much or anything to do with eating burgers or poultry or fish or eggs every once in a while. So I am not implying that because I have Hudson I no longer eat meat… or that if you have a dog or cat that you love, you must be vegan. But hear me out.

My thought process is this: having Hudson has made me look at animals in a whole new way, on top of a massive spiritual awakening and shift that has taken place in me over the last 2-3 years (largely inspired by Hudson’s energy… you know this if you’ve listened to any of my Miranda / animal communication podcasts!).

Having Hudson in my life, staring into his eyes, locking into his gaze, developing the most intense bond with him that I have ever felt in this lifetime (aside from and alongside of Jonathan), has brought me closer to other animals I encounter everywhere, from friends’ dogs to stray cats on the streets of Bali to horses in a pasture to frogs singing to me in Indonesia to turkeys crossing the road in my hometown of Sacramento.

It has enabled me to have this moment of, “WOAH. Animals’ eyes say so much. They have souls in there. They have families, they are living and breathing, they have babies, they are mothers, and daughters, and sons.” Like this holy shit moment, you know?

I see Hudson’s eyes in the eyes of cows, and horses, and chickens. It’s not his exact same eyes, of course, but it’s this innate ability that strikes all the way through me to see that we are all the same. Thanks also to Kundalini, reiki, channeling, and other forms of meditation & spirituality for allowing me to see beyond the physical and realize that we are all one. There is technically no difference between me and a cat, or me and a cow. Physically of course there are loads of differences, but spiritually… zero.

Vegan for spirituality & for Lyme disease //

It’s wild because being vegan for many years when I was younger also provided many of those holy shit moments, especially being deeply immersed in the vegan community in New York and in the blogging space, but to be honest I never fully resonated with the radicalism of it all — which is why it was so very easy for me to walk away from. And I still don’t resonate with radicalism! The radical, hate on others to make our message heard, vegan bullying, elitism and judgement is NOT my jam.

For many years I was so turned off of the vegan movement because of extreeeeme haters on YouTube and social media that bashed me (and others) to pieces when I departed from the lifestyle. It makes me sad in the same way that the anti-diet communities have bashed me for being extremely mindful about what I put into my body now that I am healing from Lyme and mold and co-infections. But it’s been good for me to see that the diet bullying is not strictly linked to veganism — it’s everywhere. Just like hate, judgment, bullying, and extremism exists in every area of life, far outside of the diet and lifestyle and wellness communities.

And speaking of healing from Lyme, I truly believe that getting sick has been my greatest gift when it comes to bringing me back to caring for my health in a truly intuitive way. On a spiritual level, it’s like the universe woke me back up by saying, “Health is your greatest passion, and sharing and spreading the message of wellness and living that lifestyle for yourself is a massive part of your calling. Just because you had this negative experience with veganism when you were younger doesn’t mean that you need to turn your back on plants. In fact, your body is going to continue to break down in a variety of ways until you cannot function anymore if you continue to turn your back on this wellness-focused way of life that is calling you.”

Now, that might be a little out there and ethereal for some of you. Which I get. But if you’re a close follower of my blog and podcast, it’s probably very in line with what you already believe. The universe has so much wisdom for us, the earth has so very much knowledge and medicine for us, and plants are a huge part of that.

My journey back to the plant-based way of life has been slow and steady. It started a couple of years ago when I realized that eating red meat and bacon was causing major gastrointestinal issues and weight gain for me personally. I cut those things out but kept poultry, eggs, and fish. Then we all know my health started to blow up in huge ways, from eczema to rapidly escalating Lyme disease, Epstein Barr Virus, and more… and my soul called me back to a plant-based way of eating and healing.

I haven’t eaten anything non-vegan in over a year, with the exception of some collagen here and there and some Omega-3 fish oils and a bit of powdered colostrum for gut issues. In many ways I have been quietly vegan, so as not to rock the boat or make my very personal choice to return to this way of life very public. I also didn’t want to make it public before I was sure what I was doing — a lesson I learned from my orthorexia days, when I used that word very quickly and became an absolute poster child for something I only halfway resonated with.

My thoughts on Orthorexia //

When it comes to orthorexia… that is a tricky subject for me. I do believe I had serious health issues when I was living in New York and addicted to juice cleanses and listening to the advice of raw vegan YouTubers as the word of God. But beyond being somewhat orthorexic in that I had many food fears, I was first and foremost legitimately sick — with extreme gastrointestinal issues, and what I now know were the deteriorating effects of mold poisoning and chronic Lyme disease. I was searching for healing back then just as I am now… I was just younger and more susceptible to listening to people who didn’t quite know what they were talking about.

So yes while I dealt with the tendencies of orthorexia back then as a means of sheer confusion about my health, I now know the root cause of my sickness was physical. I was sick, sick, sick with Lyme back then just as I am now. Orthorexia for me was a direct byproduct of desperately trying to heal myself in the only way I knew how. I don’t resonate with much of what I believed about my health and orthorexic journey back then… because again, I was listening to people outside of myself (nutritionists, doctors, therapists) who also wanted to put me in another box: the eating disorder box.

It is really hard for me to grapple with as I look back on this period of my life. I was very sick, and I was being told I was suffering from an eating disorder. Really what I was suffering from was neurological Lyme disease. Just like many people who I look up to in the Lyme community have been institutionalized, made to feel like they were crazy, put into every box from eating disorders to ADHD to depression/anxiety and more… I was told I had a severe eating disorder. But in reality, I was drinking copious amounts of green juice in place of food because food made me feel debilitatingly ill. And now I finally know why, and now I can remedy that. I no longer eat nightshades, and inflammatory foods that were causing me to feel so very sick — plus the massive healing regime I am on right now in general is helping.

Doctors I Trust & Trusting Myself //

This year I have also been gifted with the knowledge of people I finally, legitimately, truly trust. From my Lyme doctor, to my True North Health Center doctors who have taught me the SOS-free way of life and its benefits, to the Medical Medium who has drastically changed my life and my approach to healing, to herbalists and shamans who have shared herbal tinctures and homeopathic plant remedies with me, and more. And guess what? Each and every one of those things, and people, and healers, brings me back to plants.

Most of all though, I rely on myself. I have learned the hard way, again and again, not to place all of my trust in someone else who is outside of myself. I am the only person who can truly on a deep and soul level understand how I am feeling, and how foods make me feel. I have experimented, fine tuned, and refined my approach to food and healing for the last four and a half years (as well as my lifetime). And what my gut has 100% brought me back to, is the plant-based way of life.

Plants are medicine. Leafy greens, celery juice, herbal tinctures from lemon balm to nascent iodine to nettle leaf to eleuthro to my beloved Four Sigmatic Chaga, to TCM herbs like rhodiola and cramp bark, to the medicinal properties of wild blueberries, to the extreme healing benefits of cutting out caffeine/inflammatory foods… the list goes on, all of this has healed me on a deep, deep level.

Ever since switching to an SOS-free way of life (which you can read more about here), and then amping up my protocol by adding in Medical Medium herbs / celery juice and cutting out high histamine and inflammatory foods… I have noticed SIGNIFICANT changes and improvements in my healing.

Tuning Out the Noise //

Learning to tune out the noise has been the most healing part of this entire journey for me. There will always be haters, I have absolutely learned that. Even people who I have considered friends and felt close to have made subliminal or not so subliminal comments about my healing protocol, and also people far and wide feel like they know intimate things about me because of my blog, book, podcast, etc. which invokes people to think they know what is best for me, without knowing the half of it.

And by the way you do know intimate things about me on the deepest soul level!! But I am not who I was four years ago, or two years ago, or even one. I have changed, as we all do, and my spiritual path has only escalated that change at a quite rapid pace. And as much as I share on the Internet, there is a lot I am unable to share… because a lot of life is lived beyond these tiny screens, and even if I tried I couldn’t share everything because that just becomes impossible.

My confidence has increased ten trillion fold. I am not afraid of what others say or think. In fact, my way of life and dietary preferences should be of no one’s concern. But because many, many people out there also suffer with Lyme disease, and mold poisoning, and MCAS, and gut issues, and even a past with orthorexia… I take my job as a wellness blogger very seriously. I am honored to be able to influence and teach the things I learn that really help me and many others with their severe symptoms.

That’s why I have chosen to share this personal choice in my life. Dietary choices are VERY personal. Passing judgment, subtle or non subtle, is really just not okay and flat out rude. Don’t be that person. How would you like it if I said, “OMG why do you eat meat? Do you know how much cholesterol is in that? Did you realize a cow died in order to be on your plate?” I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. THAT IS JUST PLAIN ANNOYING, RUDE, AND UNCALLED FOR.

So there is no need to turn the table the other way and make anyone feel uncomfortable, vegan or non vegan or paleo or keto or flat out alien or whatever the heck people choose.

Soooo what I am saying here in this post is that beyond plants healing me on a medicinal, healing my sick body level… I have had multiple epiphanies this year about resonating with veganism for the animals, as well as the environment and for deep spiritual healing.

So all around, I am happy. I am healing. I feel good. I am getting stoked for my digital detox beginning in just a few days.

This is a long and intimate post, and the purpose is to catch you up to speed with a lot of what I have been thinking about and dealing with over the last year or so. There is so much more to the story, which is why I plan to write a book all about this. Would love to hear your thoughts & experiences below, I love to hear from you and get inspired by your words. <3