I jus posted my final Instagram post before going offline into my little cocoon and birth bubble, to really soak in this time before he arrives. A few words from that caption, because my mind was definitely clearer this morning when writing this and now I am back to my usual 38 week brain fog, lol:

“The portal before birth is the wildest feeling – it feels like I’m straddling two realms. For a sensitive soul who feels the intensity of the spirit world so deeply, it’s a full on initiation and I don’t want to miss a moment of it. Daily it has made me reach for more within myself to find new levels of strength, patience, presence, and self love.

Never again will I be carrying my first baby, his whole little being one with my own. And simultaneously, any day or hour we will get to meet him. What!! I feel called to go inward, for this time to not slip through my fingers but to experience it to the fullest. This will be my last post for a while, while I step back to be fully present in this phase and off screens for now. To soak in time with my love while it’s just us.

To honor this transition from maiden to mother, or as Jonathan already calls me “mama bear” Oh, and did I mention I’ve been in early labor for 3 weeks? A true initiation. I love you all, I am so thankful for your presence and love, we will see you on the other side! …& I simply cannot wait.”

It’s true, the birth portal is WILD, and these last few weeks have tested me and pushed me like no other. I haven’t talked about this much on Instagram, but I have been in what’s considered “early labor” for about 3 weeks now. That means I am having contractions every day, and they are not Braxton Hicks contractions as much as people who don’t know love to tell me that they are.  They are far more intense, super painful, and feel like really sharp period cramps deep in my uterus.

When I first started feeling those contractions the week of Thanksgiving, I thought, “this is it! He is coming so early!! Wow!” and then… they just kept happening. And he is still happy and snug in my belly. I have no desire to rush him, and I am really along for the ride and surrendered to the process. It is just wild to me because I had no idea that this was possible. I really thought I would keep feeling how I have felt this entire pregnancy, maybe a little more round and uncomfortable, and then eventually — I would go into labor! I did NOT anticipate everything shifting, and being in labor for what has felt like eternity.

My doctor said to me, “Congratulations, you are one of the unlucky few who get to be in labor for weeks!!” Lol. But are we surprised? I feel like between my Reflector nature, being a human guinea pig for all the things, and experiencing all big happenings in life with such depth and intensity throughout my life, this only makes sense. I know there are so many deep lessons in this time, and I have to say that I am extremely grateful this is how my path is unfolding because I really NEEDED these teachings. I needed this wisdom in order to find my true north inside of me again. I have been so off balance and off kilter… it’s hard to explain. But I will try.

Let’s get into today’s 12 things! I used to do these ALL the time on the blog, and they range from spontaneous thoughts to favorite healthy products, etc. Today I am just going to keep them focused on this birth portal of a time. Enjoy the brain spill! I love you guys!

1. Ok so like I said I have been feeling extremely off kilter. I want to be so mindful and intentional during this time, so what am I filling my time doing? A LOT OF nothing special, really. For a while I found myself scrolling Instagram more than ever before, seeking distractions in an immense, intense way. The last thing on earth I want is to feel distracted right now, but I just continued to feed my brain with stuff online, other people’s lives, meaningless content that successfully kept me out of my head. It’s ok to numb out every once in a while, but I really was going overboard. Jonathan noticed this and with his guidance I have decided to put a stop to spending these sacred days that way!! I went offline for pretty much a week after he brought it to my attention, & am now going off fully. It feels good.

2. I needed to journal out my thoughts to figure out why I was numbing out so much with social media. It’s not the first time I have done that, but during this sacred time it felt extra sad to fall into that habit- like a true waste. Once I started journaling and meditating on it, I discovered what was blocking me and causing me to numb- I was terrified!! Terrified of life changing, losing my independence, something going wrong, living off of no sleep, not being able to pick up and do whatever I please whenever I please, you know. ALLL that stuff. Also terrified of my chronic illness symptoms returning, things I had buried so, so deep. I have worked on it now and have a much more open relationship with my own thoughts — I am grateful, these fears really needed to come up so they could be purged and let go of for good.

3. This baby boy is already my wisest teacher, as you can see.

4. No doubt, people who are already parents have a FAVORITE thing to say to expecting parents. “Enjoy your rest now because you’ll never have a good night of sleep again!!” “Have fun on your outing because you will never be able to hop in the car again without 2943829 lbs of baby gear!” “Enjoy your independence because it’s about to be gone forever — ha ha ha!!” You guys, it’s ollldddd. I know that everyone has the best intentions and I by no means judge anyone who has said these things, but J and I have been laughing because we hear it every day. Every day. All day. I really hope to not be one of those moms- lol. I want to tell moms to be all of the amazing things to expect. And I also believe in breaking patterns and cycles, and it doesn’t all have to be so “you’ll never sleep again” fear-based stuff, am I right? Although of course maybe it’s true!?!? I guess we will see when I get to the other side.

5. My husband is a saint. I really couldn’t get through a minute of this journey without him. From the late night foot rubs to the middle of the night ice pack runs, dinner dates in Studio City trying the “labor salad,” putting up with my hormonal as ever mood swings, guiding me when I feel lost… I feel so, so, so lucky to be on this journey with my best friend.

6. We got a new bed finally!!!! It’s a California King, which feels like a massive upgrade from the Queen we have been sharing ever since we moved in together. Between me, J, and Huddy and soon to be baby boy (even though he will be in a bassinet but with us so much in bed) — we needed more space. It’s an Avocado mattress for anyone wondering!! It is GLORIOUS!

7. TikTok is really fun. Like really, really fun. I am not a big scroller on TikTok (see #1 for the obvious reasons why lol) but I have a few accounts I love to follow on there. I feel like my alter ego comes out to play on TikTok and I can be more myself than I am on Instagram in a way. I am also very much myself on Instagram, but I guess the culture on TikTok is just more playful. So my playful side gets to come out and I just love not taking life so seriously. Come hang with me on there — my username is @thebalancedblonde!

8. I am finally craving all of the warming vegan foods over smoothies/juices… I never thought the day would come. I think it’s my body preparing me for birth!! I hired an amazing postpartum chef as well as a fab postpartum doula who will also be bringing food.. and I am really excited to nourish my body with yummy, warming, healing, nourishing Ayurvedic dishes. I have been reading The First Forty Days book & I did not have any clue that the 40 days after giving birth… and potentially longer in many cultures and for many women, really set us up for our future health in mid-life, menopause, and beyond.

As well as with fertility and healing for having future babies.. and I want a lot of babies! So that was extremely eye opening to me. I plan on being off of my feet as much as possible during this time and really bonding with baby, having limited visitors, and accepting all of the help and nourishment. It feels really right, and I am so glad to be in this place because years ago I can see myself choosing to “push through” and “bounce back” and all that stuff that I will not be focusing on right away whatsoever.

9. I have not dropped any hints about baby’s name even though my DM’s are full of guesses- lol!! People saying “I know the first letter now!!” “I know what it is because of the emojis you are using!!” Bring on the guesses my loves… only about 2-3 people have guessed it so far over the last 10 months!! Eek!!

10. I am still so eager and excited to see whether baby boy is going to be a Sagittarius or Capricorn. His due date is 12/25/21 (literally Christmas) but these ongoing contractions have thrown me for a loop… we will see what he chooses. I cannot wait to dive into his astrology, human design, & beyond!

11. I am really not checking my text messages or emails at all right now and it feels amazing. Also, it feels really off putting to me to receive texts about work or things that are not really appropriate for texting, or texts I receive from people I do not even know? That is my fault for having the same phone number for the last almost 20 years lol. But this is your reminder that you do not always have to be on or answering people. In fact, it feels amazing to set a boundary and only respond to what feels good.

12. I am full of ideas and inspiration for so, so much magic post baby and when I come back to work!! I am feeling all sorts of new creations and really, REALLY doing things differently. It’s time. I know that is where my biggest teaching will be, and I cannot wait to put it into practice and also show you guys what has been up my sleeve lately.

Photos from our latest & last maternity shoot !! With our BFF Tynan Daniels

Okay, I love you all so much!!!! Say hi below, tell me who you are, how long you have been reading, do you have kids!? All the things!! Just please don’t say the awful no sleep comment-lol!! Just kidding but not really.  ILY ALLLL! Stay tuned for a solo episode this week btw too- my final ep before maternity leave. XOXO and see you on the other siiiide!!!

Overall when I think back on the last decade the word that comes to mind is strength. Without immense strength and so much confidence & belief in where I knew I was going, I would have crashed and burned so hard (and oh, I still did — but my strength kept me afloat). If you read my blog you know plenty about my health crises (yes, multiple), my brand, my passion for wellness, the many directions my business has taken. But when you may not know is that on the other side of all of that, my inner world has been a bit tumultuous and I finally, finally, finally going into 2019 feel as if I am coming out on the other side.

Giving you a little backstory even though it was BEFORE this decade… because it leads into this decade & explains a lot.

To keep it brief, I fell head over heels in love with a boy who quickly became my boyfriend when I was 14. The deepest kind of love that words could ever describe. I finally felt like I had an outlet for all of the loving energy flowing through my heart and body at all times, and it flowed right back to me through him. It was everything. It was BLISS. My friends loved him, my family loved him, we were happy. Young, of course, but happy.

We stayed up all night on the phone when we weren’t together, and when we were we laid on the tennis courts gazing at stars and the bright, glowing moon. We wrote each other poems and successfully got many of our best friends to date each other, so we could all spend as much time together as possible. We all had a lot of fun, made a lot of memories, we didn’t have a care in the world. But by the time we were 16 new challenges were sprouting up… he began dealing with not only a drug addiction but a life gripping mental illness.

I did everything I could to help. We all did. I thought that by encouraging him to get into therapy I was helping, but somehow the wild concoction of pills he was put on only served to make things much worse. A series of very scary and life altering events happened… from lines of cocaine in grandmothers’ bathrooms to drug induced fights that lead to many breakups (and then get-back-togethers)… to nights that felt wonderful and positive only for me to learn later they were fueled by him being on ecstasy, cocaine, pain pills, and more. Often they were drugs I had never even heard of.

When we were 16 was the first time he tried to take his own life. For one VERY LONG hour of my life, I thought he was dead. I really believed with my entire being that he was gone. It was pouring rain outside and just a few days before Christmas when I found his goodbye letter in my MySpace inbox that he’d send the night before. I went ballistic. Unless you’ve witnessed someone go completely hysterical, blacked out to their very core with grief, it’s hard to describe. But if you have, you know.

Although he did live I never did quite get over that hour of my life. It ended my childhood, and ended my blissful notion of what life looked like. Everything I believed about the world and how wonderful and good it was was shattered. I was thrilled that he was alive, but that thrill lead to a decade long obsession with keeping him alive and feeling responsible for his every move. Even after my move to LA and eventually to New York, this deep obsession and fear persisted. Every time I drank (which was constantly) ended in hysterical sobs and freak outs about him. He tried to end his life during that period many, many more times.

Now that bleeds right into this decade… because by 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 this was all still going very strong.

As the decade wore on I dated new people, had new experiences, got my degree in English & Journalism, headed to grad school, took on new business endeavors. But at the forefront of my mind he was always there. It wasn’t healthy for either of us but it was an unbreakable bond. I often questioned where did I end and where did he begin… I felt like my life’s purpose was to be there for him until I absolutely shattered. In many ways I felt like we were one.

I bring this all up because it’s actually impossible not to — it explains everything. Everything about me. It colored my life and many, many years of it. It lead me to everything I now know. To yoga (which legitimately saved my life at 16 when I could barely breathe I was experiencing so many panic attacks per hour), to the depth I seek within all friendships and relationships I develop, to the compassion that spills from my bones for all living beings, to the emphasis I put on my health & wellness and to my love for treating my body well from the inside out. To starting this blog as the creative outlet that fuels me, and to my eventual head over heels love (and obsession and reawakening) with spirituality — for that is the driving force in my life that guides me and brought me back into alignment when I was splitting apart at the seams.

It lead me to eating plant based because as a teenager I developed so many debilitating stomach problems that finding this anti-inflammatory way of life truly saved me… even before I dove into it full throttle many years later! And it gave my life so much purpose, so much meaning… the rug was ripped out from under me at a very delicate age. I know we all have our shit we go through, and I don’t claim for mine to be any worse than anyone else’s. It’s my journey and it has shaped me into who I am. At times it was hell and at times it still is, but I wouldn’t trade it — because it gave me my life. This life.

I have so much to say about all of this and I want to keep it succinct, so below I want to share the top 10 things I have learned in the last decade. I hope that by me opening up and sharing more of my personal life with you in a way that shows you a slice of my heart, you can both see how I became the person I am today and I hope it makes you feel less alone. So let’s dive into the list below (you know I love a good list).

Best thing about the decade was marrying this sweet angel human puppy soul who makes me better every day  

Top 10 Things I Have Learned This Decade //

1. Don’t wait until your health comes crashing down to put yourself first & take care of yourself from the inside out. I put myself on the back burner for MANY YEARS until my health came to a crashing halt a couple of years ago. I had to get to a point where I was so chronically fatigued I physically couldn’t get out of bed, and my skin was so on fire from rashes & Hives I could not exercise or really even move. I lost my ability to speak with any sort of ease, and lost all desire to be around anyone. Anything that required any human interaction was too exhausting for me to even think about, let alone do. It has taken me two years of exploring my health issues and the root cause of them to even begin to get back into balance… and even though it has been HARD, it has been the greatest gift I’ve ever been handed by the universe.

2. The universe knows what’s up, and it is always guiding me no matter how out of control things may feel. I have had some MAJOR things happen throughout this decade that have been very much out of my control. I won’t get into it all here, but about six years ago so much heartbreaking stuff was happening all around me with my family, my health, my relationships, and what felt like my entire life… that I truly saw zero light at the end of the tunnel. Now I realize that the entire time I was being guided. To surrender. To trust. To get through it. To develop resiliency. To come out on the other side as an entirely new, entirely stronger being.

I have always been extremely in touch with my intuition, even before I knew that that’s what I was experiencing. I am so glad I listened to the intuitive call to leave grad school, move back from NYC to LA 5 and a half years ago, and also stay in LA even when I was very unhappy and things felt impossibly hard. I am SO GLAD I listened to the intuitive call to start my blog! I had no idea back then when I started that it would lead me to blogging full time and living out the career of my dreams. It took hard work, but beyond that it took surrendering to the universe and being truly, wholeheartedly guided.

3. True love does not have to be complicated or messy or dramatic in order to have depth and be real — true love transcends all of that and enhances life in the best possible way. I shared a brief bit of my story with my first love above for many reasons, but one was to illustrate just how deeply I felt that love had to be complicated and messy in order to be real. Even after my first love that lasted on and off for literally a decade, I sought out relationships that were VERY complicated. I was drawn toward people who didn’t want to be with me or were completely unavailable for whatever reason. I thrived off of the drama and chaos within each relationship because it was all that I knew.

A good friend who knows both me & Jonathan told me several years ago, “When you’re ready to be with a good guy, you’ll be with Jonathan.” Then a few years later, I spoke to an animal communicator who through Huddy (MY CAT!!) said that very soon I would be dating one of my closest friends & to stop looking for love in all of the wrong places.

Well… I can’t tell you how true all of this is. Love doesn’t have to be complicated. Love shouldn’t be complicated. When it’s real, YOU KNOW. When you’re with someone who wants to be with you and who treats you the way you deserve, YOU KNOW. Everything changed for me when I opened myself up to being with someone who was truly kind to me. Things didn’t get boring just because they weren’t chaotic… life actually got way more interesting. I became so much more confident, so much happier.

And now, as of this November, I am MARRIED to this amazing man who I love so dearly. He has stuck by my side through so much. In fact, perhaps I am the complicated one given that I have been extremely sick for most of our relationship. He takes care of me so well. He is such a blessing in my life and I will never, ever stop being ridiculously grateful for him & all that he has shown me.

4. Pursuing creative passions is extremely important & I will never settle to do something for work that doesn’t excite me in my soul, but work is NOT EVERYTHING. People are. Ever since starting my blog in 2013 until about 2018… I really believed my work was my life. It is true that it’s a huge part of my purpose, but what I learned was that we are not here on this earth to be workaholics. We are here to create lasting connections, to experience love, to feel joy moving through us at all times with all beings. My views on life really shifted after getting sick. I have never been more appreciative of the people in my life, and I tell them so pretty much fanatically. I have never had so much compassion for all beings — animals, my Huddy man who literally saved me in so many ways and has added so much to my life, even to the magical powers of plants that have become so important in my healing journey.

In short, once I stopped being such a total workaholic, my world opened up in new ways. From adventures with people I love to inward plant medicine journeys, incredible healing treatments and serendipitous synchronicities right and left… life is so, so much sweeter now that I am more open and aware of what is beyond the work/brand aspect of my life. And on that note, my work is more fun and I am able to put SO MUCH MORE INTO IT now that my life has expanded in new and far deeper ways.

5. Sometimes you’ve got to let go of the rigid plans you have for yourself and let the universe work its flowy magic through your veins. My entire life my main dream and goal in life was to become an author. I always envisioned it would be fiction, but after starting this blog my horizon opened to memoir, cookbooks, poetry, you name it. After writing my first book Breaking Vegan in 2014, I became obsessively fixated on writing my next book. It’s like I couldn’t even enjoy becoming an author at the age of 24 because I was so diehard about what the next book would be.

For YEARS I obsessed over it, I beat myself up that it wasn’t happening, and I started so many different book ideas without finishing them. I wrote book proposals that pretty much ended up nowhere despite having an amazing agent and a great platform — simply because those ideas weren’t what the universe had in store for me. It took me all the way until this year to realize that in order to open up space for the universe to work in flow with me, I had to let go of the rigid plans and goals I had in place for myself.

And guess what? So many things have come through! Courses, marriage, healing my body in a real way, deeper relationships, spiritual awakening, a greater sense of happiness in every sense of the word. I still know that in my lifetime I will write many books. I am inspired and excited just thinking about it — but I am not tied in any steadfast way to what those books will be or when they will happen. I have learned to live in the flow of the universe, and it has been such a massive gift in my life.

6. The important things in life are very, very simple. Family, friendship, love, health, the ability to move our bodies and sleep and nourish ourselves and breathe. When I lost my health, and I lost my ability to do anything/everything I once lived, this became abundantly clear to me. This was certainly in every way, my lesson of the decade.

7. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings have a human experience. If #6 was my lesson of the decade, this is the lesson of my lifetime. Once I learned and embraced this undeniable truth, my life opened up in countless new ways. I remind myself of this every single day. It reminds me that when things seem hard and life isn’t going the way I want it to, it’s for a greater spiritual purpose. My enteral soul came here to learn, to grow, to experience, to expand. That is exactly what I am doing and that’s exactly what you’re doing too.

8. Never take life’s little pleasures for granted. Farmer’s market Sundays, coffee dates with my love, cuddles in bed with Hudson, a hot bubble bath with candles and a good book, a phone call with my mom, a stroll with my best friend. These little moments are what life is all about. When I stopped running from all that was important in life to chase something I thought was more important (work, material success, etc.)… I was finally able to see — the truest gifts in life were right in front of me all along.

9. Nature is the greatest healer of them all. Nature heals. Nature is the universe’s gift to us. Have you ever stared into a flower and wondered how it could possibly be created to be so beautiful and perfect? And then realized that whatever divine intelligence created that flower, created you? Next time you feel lost… wander into nature. Lean into a tree. You will remember. Everything we seek, everything we need, is right here on this beautiful planet. We are one with it all & we are a part of it all.

10. All of the answers we seek are inside of us… & if we can’t find them, we just have to get more still to reach them. Meditation, yoga, plant medicine, going inward. We have all of the answers we seek. They are not outside of ourselves. This simple truth has reminded me that when I am looking outside of myself to doctors, my family, other people’s opinions — I will never really get exactly what I need. My intuition always knows. It has lead me to everything in my life now & I don’t ever want to stop recognizing how incredible that really is. And the same is true for all of us!

IS IT SURPRISING THAT I JUST WROTE 3,000+ WORDS?!! I mean, it is a whole decade we are recapping here.

And I feel like there is so much I didn’t say… LOL!

I really hope that everything I’ve shared here, from my story that begins in 2004 all the way until now, gives you some insight or some guidance or some hope or some happiness, or at the very least makes you feel less alone!

We are all apart of something so, so much bigger than ourselves.

Perhaps that’s why my decade recap culminates with so much spirituality. That is at the core of everything. I have found myself again through spirituality — from eating plant based, to kundalini yoga, to meditating, to Ayurvedic medicine, to returning to nature, to so much more.

I don’t even know how to describe the depth of nostalgia I have been feeling with this decade coming to a close. Powerful shifts are happening. I literally see and feel past relationships and traumas and challenges moving and flowing up and out of my body during these last few days of the decade.

If you are feeling it too, it’s because you are very in tune. The truth is, we all are. Some of us just forget along the way. So much amazing stuff is coming in 2020 — I can’t wait to share my new content and projects with you guys and everything I am working on. But beyond that, I just can’t wait for life to keep unfolding. To keep healing. To keep living. To keep loving. To experience it all.

What about you? I would love to hear about your decade & the top things you’ve learned. This is a great time to set intentions & get clear on what you want to call into your life for the next year, decade, and beyond. Love you all so much. Thank you for being a part of my life. <3 Cheers to MANY MORE DECADES TOGETHER!

First of all, can I just say how cool it is to be able to share such special moments with you guys? I have had this blog for six years, so I have documented my ups and downs, extremely single years, years where I dated toxic people, my journey through sickness and health, many business ventures and very many intimate musings. All in all, to be able to share my WEDDING to the love of my life with you guys, as well as our entire relationship leading up to this point… is so damn cool.

I mean, my first podcast episode with Jonathan in 2016 documents our friendship BEFORE we were dating, and so many of you guys called it that there was an undeniable connection and flirtation between us. And now… here we are. Marriage! Magic! The most special day of our lives thus far! To be able to share it with you guys is everything to me — you are all my extended family, my friends from afar.

AHHH!!

Okay, so let me just begin with Thursday night — arriving to Ojai. And if you haven’t read my first wedding recap yet about how I was feeling on our wedding day, check that one out here to set the tone!

All photos taken in this post are by Tynan Daniels & Tony Modugno of Via Imagery. They are amazing and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM FOR ANY / ALL WEDDINGS!!!!

Thursday Night, Arriving to Ojai!

So we got to Ojai on a Thursday, and when we arrived all of my pain, Lyme symptoms, nerves and apprehensions literally melted away. We were shown into our bridal suite, and our jaws basically dropped to the floor. We’ve stayed at the Ojai Valley Inn many times before, but the bridal suite was actual magic. Multiple rooms, a huge magical bedroom, two gorgeous patios (one of them overlooking the Farmhouse — our wedding venue!), and of course a massive bathtub of my dreams.

Jen, the amazing consultant at the hotel who we’d been working with all year, had champagne and cold green juice waiting for us in an ice bucket. I mean, DOES SHE KNOW US OR DOES WE KNOW US?! We popped some champagne and juice on the patio at golden hour and reality started to sink in — WE. ARE. GETTING. MARRIED. THIS. WEEKEND. WHAT. IS. LIFE?!??!

I have to say, even the most intense pain and Lyme symptoms could not possibly flourish or function in a situation like that. It was heaven. On a huge, gorgeous balcony overlooking our wedding venue, at our favorite hotel in the world, nestled into the stunning mountains of Ojai valley, our best friends and our parents in all of the buildings and rooms surrounding us, watching the sun go down while toasting to our wedding weekend. Just IMAGINE THE SCENE! It was GLORY!

That night, we went to dinner in downtown Ojai with six of our closest friends. We ended up at a cute place called Sage Ojai (because our favorite place, the Hip Vegan was closed that night randomly!) and it was perfect. We told stories, ate yummy food, practiced our first kiss for them (Jonathan dropped me in our practice dip, LOL), talked about how amazing the next few days would be, and got hyped up for the weekend.

Later that night our friends, my parents, my parents’ friends, and some family who was already in town came over to our bridal suite for wine in bathrobes to kick off the weekend. Honestly, that night in our suite was one of my favorite memories in my life to date. It was just so perfect, so relaxed, so full of love. I could have stayed there with them for all of time. We told stories from high school (so many of my best friends have been in my life since childhood), laughed, drank (they did — I didn’t even need alcohol to feel drunk on life and amazing), and soaked in this weekend finally arriving.

That is my number one tip to anyone getting married! Treat your entire wedding weekend as if it is your wedding day. Soak it all in. The day itself will fly by in an instant, but the weekend is yours to enjoy. Make every moment count — have the deep conversations you crave with everyone who came out to celebrate you. Look around, grab your partner who you’re MARRYING, and take a moment to soak in the community and love you’ve created — that’s YOURS! It’s yours forever!! Cherish it!

By the time it was about midnight or 12:30 I think everyone in the room was like, “Okay Jordan has to go to bed,” LOL because everyone knows that I struggle with chronic fatigue/exhaustion from Lyme and after putting my ALL into feeling healthy and well for our wedding, it would be awful to be too exhausted to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

So we went to bed, and Friday even more magic began!!!!

Friday Day & Night, Rehearsal Dinner & After Party!

Friday morning we woke up and looked at each other and said, “How will today even top last night? Last night was PERFECT.” But somehow we knew it absolutely would.

More and more of our friends and family were arriving at the hotel, and we could see them from our balcony so we shouted our hellos to them and some of them came up to see our suite. Jonathan and I had a cozy morning on our balcony, in our robes, finishing our VOWS (separately, of course), and sipping on green juice and decaf coffee. It was… actual heaven. There was angel light everywhere. Pure magic. Again… moments to keep soaking in!

From there, I am pretty sure we went to get smoothies at the spa cafe with our friends and visited the Farmhouse location to show those of them who hadn’t seen it yet! The whole thing was basically a whirlwind! I think I was just saying over and over, “Oh my god. All of my favorite people in one place. This is perfect. What is life!”

Then we came back to our room to shower and get ready for the rehearsal!! My mom’s friend Jen (and my friend!) who was my hairdresser beginning from age 11 was there for the weekend, and she came over to do my hair that night! She is so talented and put some fun barrettes in my hair with some fun waves (very Dorit RHOBH most recent reunion style if you know what I mean) and I felt so GLAM. I put on my sparkly dress that I picked out at BHLDN earlier this year (in January!!) and had my bridesmaids over so we could all go to the rehearsal together!

Things were starting to feel REALLY REAL at this point!!!! We got to the rehearsal at the Farmhouse and saw so many people we hadn’t seen yet — my sister, brother in law, nieces, brother, KELSEY our reiki master and wedding officiant!!! Tynan our photog and dear friend!!! Max our videographer!! And Jonathan’s groomsmen!! And our flower girls!! JUST AHHHH! There are not even words to describe.

I am pretty sure I blacked out while our wedding planner was going over the details with our wedding party because I was just staring at everyone in this environment and feeling completely in awe. I was holding our niece Chloe (one of our flower girls) and just feeling so full of love for everyone and every thing that had gotten us to this point.

The rehearsal itself was so special — pairing our bridesmaids and groomsmen for the first time (you better believe we came up with the pairings months ago, and each one felt totally perfect and serendipitous) and watching them walk down the aisle.

Even doing the REHEARSAL walking down the aisle with my dad was EMOTIONAL AS EVER!! He was definitely crying — Byron gets very emotional and it is so, so sweet. We went over some more details for the next day, and then we headed to the rehearsal dinner.

The rehearsal dinner was EVERYTHING!! It was in this beautiful garden area at the Ojai Valley Inn, and they set it up completely perfectly for us. It radiated the best vibes. String lights, candles, flowers, garden magic. It was so fun chatting with everyone who came — we had about 80 people there, because between our families and bridal parties and select dear friends who we invited… the number added up quickly!

The SPEECHES were such an amazing part of the rehearsal dinner night. We had our friends do somewhat of a “roast” of us (originally we were going to do a full-blown roast but we decided against it last minute because roasts can get very raunchy, lol) and it was absolutely amazing. They all roasted/toasted us and so many of them had us rolling on the ground laughing.

My best friends for LIFE (literally, we’ve been friends since we were children) Katie and Danielle did an EMINEM STYLE RAP to “Just Lose It” with PERSONALIZED JORDAN LYRICS!! I need to post the lyrics to the blog in their very own blog post!! It was literally amazing!!! I still can’t even believe they did this and pulled it off so flawlessly. I will never forget one single moment of it.

My mom had an EPIC speech, all about how I am the opposite of the daughter she always thought she would have and the girly, fashion loving, shopping obsessed daughter she dreamed of… but how our relationship is so much more than she ever could have fathomed and that we are the best of friends in the world.

My best friends from college Alexi & Clare had an amazing joint speech with so many hilarious and special memories — not to mention Alexi’s memories of me and Jonathan’s relationship turning into a couple… as she has witnessed it every step of the way!

My other half JORDAN DORSO had a speech that brought me to tears. He is truly my brother and has been for so long. The love I have for him in my heart is like no other. And my dear friend Anya shared the best memories from high school and so many tidbits about me that people now wouldn’t believe (we were wild- very wild. LOL!).

Jonathan’s groomsmen had incredible speeches too. Hilarious ones and ones that moved us to tears. I will never, ever forget the words that were shared that night.

After dinner and speeches, we all went to a pub at the hotel called Jimmy’s and it was SO MUCH FUN!! We got to see a bunch of people who had arrived that day/night that we hadn’t seen yet, and we basically filled out the whole bar/restaurant. It was an UNFORGETTABLE night.

Again, a night that made it so, so hard to believe or fathom that the following night / day could be even better.

That night, we got back to our bridal suite around 12:30 or 1am and Jonathan stayed to tuck me into bed and chat before we parted ways officially until our first look the next day. I am so glad we decided to stick with that tradition even though I must have faltered on it a million times- thinking it would be so hard not to sleep next to him that night knowing what a huge day we had the next day!!!

That is my second big tip — sleep separately if you’re up for it!! It makes the heart grow fonder, and makes it super special to see each other for the very first time the next day either during the first look or during the ceremony. And I love that it keeps tradition alive. Weddings are all about tradition, even if you make them completely your own, so it’s fun to draw in traditions that people have been doing for centuries.

Third tip is, don’t skimp on the speeches! At the rehearsal AND wedding! We had received some advice to keep the speeches on the shorter end (with fewer people speaking) and we didn’t listen to it. I am SO GLAD we did what felt right to us, because the speeches are something I will remember forever. Jonathan and I both love speeches at other people’s weddings (and rehearsal dinners) too, so this was a no brainer for us as a couple!

The Wedding DAY!!!! & NIGHT!!

My angels, my lights. <3

Waking up on Saturday morning was a feeling like NO OTHER. I knew it was about to be the biggest, most special, most unbelievable day of my life ahead and I could hardly even wrap my mind around it.

Because I do have trouble sleeping, I took a pill to sleep the night before… and I am glad I did, because I did get good sleep and felt really rested. I called room service for green juice and decaf coffee (I had to explain that I was the bride, because they tried to say I couldn’t customize a green juice without fruit and MAMA WASN’T HAVIN’ THAT on that day!!! The moment they realized I was getting married on property that day, they accommodated! LOL), with a side of almond milk.

I decided I was going to eat super light that day, for no reason other than that my stomach is VERY SENSITIVE, and I was NOT about to risk not feeling 100% or having my IBS flare up on that day of all days. So I sipped my juice, a bit of decaf (because decaf coffee makes my soul happy), and decided to wait until I was hungry to eat any solid food.

My mom came over to give me something (I don’t even remember what?) and we chatted for at least an hour about the amazing night beforehand. In typical Jordan fashion I had plans to hand write my vows into my little vow notebook that morning before my bridesmaids and hair/makeup crew came over, which is HILARIOUS because my vows were extremely long and there was no chance I was handwriting them in anything less than five hours, lol.

So I started doing that, took a quick shower, and then hair and makeup arrived to set up! Doing hair was my dear friend Kelcey Barrad who I grew up with, and makeup was my friend Brittany who has been doing my makeup for TBB for years!! I highly recommend them both.

While they set up, my bridesmaids arrived at our 10:00am set time — which was something I fought hard for in our schedule that day because I know myself and A) I like to sleep in and be rested, B) I didn’t want to be stressed at all in the morning or use too much energy early on in the day, and C) I LOVED the idea of everyone having a leisurely morning and not feel forced to be somewhere super early. I wanted the vibe of the day to be CHILL, blissful, fun, relaxing, and full of love and joy… and I feel like that is exactly what we cultivated!

My bridesmaids and I started the day by pulling ANIMAL SPIRIT CARDS (this is the deck we love, at the top of my Amazon book page!) which is our favorite tradition ever since pulling cards together in Tulum at my bachelorette. It’s become kind of our thing. I pulled two cards that day… one was the DEER, and one was the BUTTERFLY. Very fitting! Transformation being one of the main themes, as well as gentleness… which is my theme of the decade and my overall healing theme right now.

That is tip number 4… keep the vibe CHILL, if you are able to. Sometimes it can feel like WORK to be in someone’s wedding, and that is the LAST thing I wanted. I wanted everyone to enjoy the day and truly feel the magic of the process and all of us being together. And do things that you love that are quintessential you… hence why we pulled animal cards in the morning, and started “late” in the morning as far as weddings go!

Then, it was time to start getting ready! We did hair and makeup all afternoon, and it was honestly so much fun. I look back on those hours together so fondly and I always will — the vibe was chill and so happy, and I was surrounded by my BEST FRIENDS. Love that my mama was a part of it all too. (She is one of my best friends too, duh.)

Hilariously enough, I was still trying to record my vows! LOL. IT WAS NOT HAPPENING. I could not focus. So thank GOD the hotel was so, so accommodating because I ended up asking if they could print my vows really tiny to fit in my vow notebook, which they were totally able to do. I cut it down to the wire, but crisis averted.

MY FIRST LOOK WITH MY BRIDESMAIDS. THE BEST MOMENT EVER.

I was also trying to finish (or let’s be real – start) this special scrapbook of marriage and love advice I was putting together for Jonathan from our parents and siblings, and again — there was no time! What was I thinking?!?! Thank god for my BFF Danielle (and Maid of Honor) who put the entire scrapbook together for me while we got ready. And for Jillian & Katie (also my Maids of Honor) for pasting my vows into the vow notebook!

Tip number five is- ask for help when you need it! Your people are there to help YOU on your wedding day, and they want to!!! They are waiting for tasks! I was so blown away by the love and help I received on that day, and I really, really needed it. Leaning into that support also made me feel so loved and so taken care of. It was true magic.

REIKI!

Not to mention, during getting my makeup done with Britt, Kelsey did reiki on me. It was honestly so special and so sacred. I was already feeling so good and so calm relatively, but I needed that extra zen. I definitely felt the DAY OF JITTERS, and the day was FLYING by in the blink of an eye. I wanted to slow down, and feel the support of my angels. So that is exactly what Kelsey helped me cultivate. It was amazing.

This moment with my BFF Jill… after she gave me such a special card. Truly indescribable.

During all of that, we got the robe photos of my dreams out on the balcony and on the stair case… and then it was time to do my FIRST LOOK WITH MY DAD!!!!

To be real, my dad had already seen my dress… he was actually one of the main people who picked it out! But I was so, so excited for this first look with him in my full hair, makeup, day of ensemble. My day and I are extremely close, and I am the youngest of four children. So I am his baby. He has always treated me that way, and has always taken extremely good and special care of me. He has warned Jonathan many times, “Do you KNOW what you’re getting into?!?!? She’s a princess!” Lol…

Our first look was incredibly special. And so US. My dad was shouting at me from around the corner, “DO NOT LET YOUR DRESS DRAG ON THE GROUND! THERE IS DIRT AND MUD OVER HERE!” So I was laughing hysterically before I even rounded the corner, but then when I saw him… it was perfection. He cried, I teared up, my mom and him gifted me a GORGEOUS diamond necklace that was made out of her first wedding ring!!! It was the most perfect moment — with my two magical unicorn humans who brought me to this earth — one that I will NEVER forget.

Then it was time for my first look with Jonathan!! EEEEPPPP!!!

Okay so this is what I had been waiting for, for what felt like forever. This is the moment I MOST LOOKED FORWARD TO ABOUT OUR WHOLE WEDDING! Aside from the ceremony, of course.

Unlike my dad, Jonathan knew zero things about my dress. He didn’t know the shape, the fit, or even the color… I mean he assumed white but YA NEVER KNOW OK!! He literally knew nothing. Every time we spoke about it this entire year, he left the room. He wanted to be SHOCKED. He knew nothing about my hair, makeup, shoes, or the entire vibe I was going for. He was going to be stunned.

I however had seen his tux, but I was so, so excited to see him in it and see my almost husband on our wedding day. I could hardly stand it. He was waiting out by the iconic oak tree at the Ojai Valley Inn with his back to me as I walked down. But first, of course, there were about 15 minutes of, “Wait, where’s Jonathan? We can’t find him!” tag going on between our photographer, videographer, wedding planner, and us. That’s my husband… in a nutshell!!!

Walking up to him was one of the most special moments in the world- I will never forget it. I could see him, but he couldn’t see me!! He had no idea how close I was getting to him when he called out, “Jordan?!” and I replied, “Jonathan!!” from RIGHT behind him.

Then came the moment we had both been waiting for…. I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned around, and took me in. He was ASTONISHED by everything, head to toe. The dress! The hair! The makeup! His bride!!! He had no idea I would pick such a simple dress, and honestly neither did I. I always thought I would go with something super flowy and bohemian, but this was super form fitted and elegant and simple and classic all in one. With buttons and a cute little drape. And a FLOOR LENGTH veil.

We describe Jonathan’s reaction as “convulse-crying.” Which is exactly what it was. He couldn’t catch his breath or even believe what was going on!  This moment together was SO special. I twirled around to show him my full look and we took each other in. Then, I whipped out the scrapbook of marriage advice and he REALLY lost it. You can see him crying in these photos… I mean sobbing. It was amazing.

I will NEVERRRR forget out first look and I highly recommend doing one!!!! It is SO SPECIAL and a memory we will keep forever.

THE SCRAPBOOK MOMENT!

Ok next I will get into our pre-ceremony, our CEREMONY (BEST MEMORY OF MY LIIIFEEEE), PARTY, AFTER PARTY, and SUNDAY BRUNCH !!!!! I feel like this post is full of juicy info and I will hit you with round three either tomorrow or the next day. Who is ready?! What questions do you have?!

I will also include all of our VENDORS, wedding planner, etc. in the next post so you have all of that info on hand!! OKAY I wanna hear it all! What do you think!?!?!??! The pics?!?! I AM DYINGGGG and have been all day — we received the photos this morning! And the VIDEOOO ahhh!!

There are really not even enough words to explain or express to you how much my heart and my body have needed this time off. Oh boy. My body is sinking into a deep rest, now that the wedding and honeymoon are over. In the last week alone I have been uncovering deep truths about myself, my health, and this entire journey, going deeper into myself than I ever have before. It has been a LOT.

The quietness in LA around the holidays is my favorite. There is nothing quite like it. It’s been so peaceful and so healthy for both Jonathan & I after such a crazy and jam-packed (and magical) month. I am looking forward to bringing that peace with me into the rest of the month and through the end of the year… and the end of the decade, I mean WOW.

*All photos in this post were taken by the amazing Tynan Daniels & Tony Modugno of Via Imagery. My dear friends who captured our wedding & I couldn’t possibly recommend them more!!!

My Health on Our Wedding Weekend !!

I have so much to say and will be blogging away this month, back to somewhat of a more regular schedule while still deeply honoring my body and what my soul needs in order to continue healing. Today I wanted to pop on to share my first wedding post, which trust me will be the first of many!!!

I want to share ALL of the wedding details & goodness with you, and I will. We are going to be getting our photos back this week, and getting the preview of our video in the next few days too. I am elated to see it all and relive every moment of that magical day and weekend.

Given that I have been so open in sharing my healing journey with you guys, I thought it would be fitting to write first about how healthy, vibrant, energized, and amazing I felt throughout our whole wedding weekend.

That’s probably the most-asked question I’ve gotten on Instagram and email, “HOW DID YOU FEEL ON YOUR WEDDING DAY?!?!” especially because I know there are so many other chronic illness warriors out there dealing with the anxiety-inducing day-to-day question of… how will I feel on a day I really, really want & need to feel good?

To sum it up and not keep you guessing, the answer is… I felt INCREDIBLE. I felt healthier & more alive than I have in as long as I can remember. And I attribute that to a lot of different factors. But first I will back up & tell you how I was feeling leading up to the wedding and the many emotions and steps it took to get there…

The Week Of the Wedding //

The week before the wedding, I have to be honest, was one of the hardest and most physically and mentally challenging weeks of my entire Lyme journey. We know this, that STRESS does not help our case at all when we are suffering from any illness. And no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, no matter how many rituals and letting go exercises, no matter how many meditations and yoga classes and healing treatments I dove into – the stress was REAL. It was there, and it was thriving.

Any bride knows this to be true. Any bride with a chronic illness that leaves you wondering if you’ll potentially be completely debilitated on your wedding day knows this stress on a whole other level. But truly, all brides know the stress. All of the last minute details- the welcome signs, the decor, the flowers, the rugs, the hair, the makeup, the dress alterations, the gift bags, the last minute cancellations, the cake, the vendors, coordinating the bridal party and every single guest, curating an amazing experience, finishing your vows, preparing for the biggest party you’ll ever throw, preparing for becoming one with the love of your life, making sure you don’t forget to bring anything important — it’s all GOOD stuff, but it’s stressful nonetheless. It’s a lot.

And you want it all to go perfectly! I was also a mess because I was riding an unbelievably wavy rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I would convince myself I was going to feel amazing no matter what, the next minute I would feel a bad symptom and come crashing down from that fantasy of feeling amazing and worry that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a single second.

Anyway, the emotions were on overdrive. To ensure that I was doing everything I possibly could to feel my best and eliminate my Lyme symptoms, these are some of the thing I did that week:

+ I got regular micro current facials with my dear friend Sadie Adams (at Take Care Body Mind in Venice) that are like mini shamanic healing sessions, I highly recommend them. One week before the wedding Sadie could sense that my body had HAD it, that we didn’t need to go deep with the micro current, and she mostly did subtle body healing energy work on me – it was so needed.

+ One week before the wedding I got an incredible lymphatic drainage facial with gua sha and this amazing green goddess mask with the lovely goddess Elizabeth of Honest Rituals. This was an epic, juicy, amazing experience that also de-puffed my face and deeply recharged me. I was able to meditate on the table and really get into the wedding mindset. It was also the perfect activity to do the weekend before my wedding because I was not feeling going out & being social- I wanted to get in tune with myself and really calm my nerves and feel centered.

+ The Monday before our wedding I did a ketamine IV at my doctor’s office (Pro Health Group in Beverly Hills). I had been doing them on a semi-regular basis for Lyme symptoms and to rewire the brain to really accept healing. To learn more about ketamine-assisted healing, check out this TBB Podcast episode with Dr. Mike Dow on the subconscious mind. Ketamine took me to a very, very heart-centered place and I am a huge fan of it overall, but that week it left me feeling very raw.

It left me feeling a bit too open, if I’m being honest. Jonathan drove me to the beach after the treatment where I sunk my feet in the sand and truly just sobbed- I was overcome with so many emotions. If you need something to wake you back up and tap you in deeply to yourself, I recommend it. But I think I was already to awake and so tapped in that it just brought me in SO MUCH, I actually needed something a bit more stabilizing and grounding. Just trying to be as honest with you guys as possible. It was hard… I didn’t know why I felt so down when I wanted to just feel so excited and so “up.”

+ The next day, Tuesday, I woke up feeling like I had the flu, strep throat, the whole works. Was this induced mentally because I was getting SO NERVOUS about not feeling well for the wedding? Probably partially, yes. I also believe my body was physically having a really hard time that week with all of the stress piled so high. I had my nurse Amber come over to do a High Dose Vitamin C IV, a double dose of IV Stem Cells, & Exosomes. Stem cells and exosomes are incredible for killing sick cells in the body and multiplying brand new, healthy cells from a newborn baby. It activates the immune system and sometimes leaves you feeling a bit worse before you feel better, but I have always had good experiences with them. (I did stem cells before my bachelorette, my bridal shower, etc. and always felt amazing for a couple weeks afterward).

+ A big one, huge one here & so simple (and FREE) is that I said NO to anything that didn’t feel right to me. I didn’t go out, I didn’t celebrate Halloween, I didn’t do a lot of things that I had originally committed to because I know myself and I wanted to save my  full energy for the wedding. I do think it’s important to put yourself out there and do things you may not always initially want to do because community can be so healing- but this week I knew, I needed to draw inward.

+ I did hot yoga as much as I could to CLEAR MY MIND and also get my body moving, and seriously this was an absolute game changer for me. Highly recommend to any bride! I did it every day for several weeks except for the days I had low energy and needed to rest. My mind needed it more than my body, it is my medicine.

+ I had been getting regular colonics for about a year which has helped massively with digestion, clearing out toxins, and honestly is a meditation for me every time I’m on the table.

+ Wednesday was spent getting our last minute stuff together, getting organic spray tans & nails (nails at Olive & June- non toxic and THE BEST), and then Thursday we headed to Ojai!

+ Thursday morning I woke up and realized I had full-blown, massively painful hemorrhoids. I have had hemorrhoids for a while (you can read about my healing tips here), and of course the morning we were leaving for our wedding they flared in a big way. When they get painful, I can’t even walk. So thank GOD for the best colorectal doctor in town, because he squeezed me in that morning for some shots (they really help), then we were on our way.

+ That morning I was a bundle of stress. Thinking “Why the f**k am I waking up with hemorrhoids? I felt like I had the flu less than 24 hours ago. Am I really going to be okay so soon for something so big and important?”

+ But honestly the second we got to Ojai I felt differently instantaneously- I felt amazing. Like a huge breath of fresh air. We were there, everything was set, it was time to CELEBRATE, ENJOY, and LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Thursday night we had dinner with a bunch of our best friends who came to Ojai early to celebrate with us, and honestly from there on out I felt amazing.

+ I know it might sound like a big jump- to feel so shitty and so scared and then feel so good. I believe part of it was the car ride to Ojai… two-ish hours with Jonathan to really reflect and get excited about what we were stepping into. We blasted gangster rap and made rapping videos (our fave) and got into a really good headspace. This is yet another reason for me to believe that healing is MENTAL. Once I let my stress go, and allowed myself to really be in “what is” vs. worrying about anything that wasn’t in the present moment, I started to feel so much better, and so much more excited,

+ Later in the night Thursday after dinner we had our friends, my parents, and my parents’ friends back to our bridal suite to hang out, tell stories, drink wine, and toast to the weekend ahead. I was buzzing! Not even tired! We were up late and I still woke up early feeling great. It’s such a great testament to the power of mindset, being surrounded by love, and doing the work beforehand to ensure I would feel good.

The Wedding Weekend //

In short, I felt SO GOOD, so energized, so vibrant, so in tune, so ME from the second we arrived on Thursday until we left on Monday afternoon – and even after that. I didn’t start feeling my usual Lyme symptoms again until one of our first few days in Bali on our honeymoon.

Everyone told me leading up to the wedding, “Don’t worry about your health, you will feel amazing no matter what. It’s impossible not to feel great on your wedding day.” And every single time someone said that I thought, “…well, then you haven’t met my symptoms. They’re the most unpredictable in the world.”

But the truth is – they were right. And if I could go back in time and save myself 14 months of worry and stress and panic about not feeling well enough on my wedding day, I would. At the time I knew it was unnecessary stress (all stress is unnecessary) but I couldn’t really put a stop to it no matter how hard I tried. The weeks leading up to the wedding were full of the most stress I have experienced in a long time, and while there were so many aspects of planning that I enjoyed- I do wish I could go back in time and reverse the STRESS that I inflicted on myself! It was not necessary or needed at all.

Beyond what I did the week of the wedding, I did so much in the last year to prepare for the wedding health-wise. From water fasts to stays at We Care Spa in Palm Springs (full body healing experiences), from ayahuasca retreats to weekly Lyme treatments to daily herbs and supplements and twice-weekly IVs. I know I’ve had my healing routine on lock.

So I am allowing myself to look at it in a new way now, a different way. That maybe it wasn’t just the amazing energy of my friends, family and loved ones on our wedding day that made me feel so good and so healthy – maybe the truth is (definitely the truth is), I AM HEALING. I am reaching a new level and new milestones. The painful past is in the painful past.

One of my huge intentions with getting married was to let this be a clean slate, a fresh page to begin life on together. Jonathan signed up for forever with me at a very traumatic and difficult time for my body – and he has stayed, and persisted, and been my biggest supporter and believer during this entire journey. Getting married is such a big step – I knew I wanted it to be a step toward health for me and for us. To really energetically and physically LEAVE the past where it belongs.

To speak of the wedding weekend specifically, although I have so many posts I will be sharing to break the whole thing down and share it with you guys, I will say that I was riding a bubble of love energy the entire time. It was truly impossible to feel sick, because everywhere I turned were my best friends, my family, my love, his family (my new family), and the gorgeous nature and surroundings of Ojai.

My bridal party played a huge role in this. It makes me cry to even write about it, but they are everything to me. They showed up big time- supporting, loving, extending their energy in every single way they could and they made the weekend truly PERFECT for me. When you get married, you’re really spending more of the weekend with your friends than you are your significant other- until the ceremony of course. And they made it just perfect for me, I couldn’t have asked for more love and support.

MY LOVES! I’M CRYINNNNGG!

From our tradition of spirit animal cards (we love this deck!) while getting ready to being the last on the dance floor at the end of the night- they just get me. And I really, truly believe having people around you who love, support, and GET you on the deepest of levels, is the most healing thing we could ever ask for. Everything I needed, they were there- to help me scrapbook for Jonathan, paste my vows into my vow notebook (don’t you all know I’m a very last minute person? Lol), make sure I was eating enough, even do reiki on me (KELSEY!!!), let me pet them as if they were Huddy (DANIELLE!!), and make me feel so special, so seen, so loved, in every single way.

My mom of course played a huge role in all of this too. She was with us the whole day getting ready, there for every special moment, helped keep things on track and enjoyed every second right along with me. She was an honorary Maid of Honor, for SURE. She is truly one of my best friends in the universe. And my dad, WALKING ME DOWN THE AISLE and our special moments beforehand. Oh my god, I cannot wait to share more of these moments with you guys.

And then there was my love- Jonathan. We slept separately on Friday night as goes the tradition of not seeing each other until our first look on Saturday, but he came back to our bridal suite with me Friday to tuck me in and lay with me until I fell asleep. In true Jordan fashion I wanted to discuss the entire rehearsal dinner- “What was your favorite speech? Who was your favorite person to talk to? Who surprised you the most?!” on and on- and he is always up for all of it. He is my person. My everything.

Then when we had our first look, OH MY GOD YOU GUYS… I CANNOT WAIT TO SHARE!!!!!

The overarching words to describe how I was feeling the whole weekend probably came from my mom, when she said on Sunday, “You’ve seemed drunk in the best way since yesterday and you still seem drunk!” And what she meant was, DRUNK on LIFE. I don’t drink alcohol anymore but I have never felt so high on life itself. 

Everywhere I turned were more people I loved. I danced like crazy the entire night of our wedding, and even after the afterparty ended. I was bouncing off the walls, with enough energy and then some to spend with every person I had the chance to connect to and dance with at our wedding.

Every ache, pain, and symptom I’ve had for the last year magically disappeared for a few short days. Maybe it was my angels, maybe it was the prep I did beforehand, but I’m quite certain it was mostly the love that surrounded me from all angles the entire weekend and afterward.

It had a lot to do with how much I put into feeling well and healing this year, yes, but it also had so much to do with living in the MOMENT. I have been studying Zen Buddhism and Stoicism for the entire month of November and I can confidently say- when you live in the present moment, there is no such thing as pain. This is coming from someone with significant, hellacious physical pain. And I believe this to be so true- when you live in the present moment, there IS only the present moment.

The food I ate (thank you GoMacro for being my go-to the entire weekend), not drinking alcohol, sleeping as much as I could, the high dose vitamin C I got that week, etc. all significantly improved how I felt on a cellular level- for my specific body. But beyond that, it was the energy. Everywhere I turned, were more people I love so deeply. Friends came from Australia and from MONACO (Jenna!!!), from the Bay Area, from NYC, and from LA- anywhere our guests traveled from, we were honored and so full of magical love to have them there.

THAT is what heals.

THAT is what creates happy moments and memories.

THAT is what ensured my radical health and vibrancy the entire weekend.

THAT is what I now live for, and will be aspiring to cultivate in my daily life moving forward.

I know you can’t recreate the love of a wedding, but you certainly CAN fill your days with the people you love, doing things you love, living in the present moment.

Not to mention because I can’t stop writing, reading Jonathan my vows and hearing his vows were truly some of the best moments of my entire life. Many of our guests said the same to me- and that really sets my soul ablaze. How could I not feel amazing?!?!?

My love reading me his vows – one of the most special moments of my life.

SO MUCH MORE TO SAY! LIKE BEYOND!

I feel like this is probably a good place to put a pin in it. I want to tell you all about the Friday night rehearsal dinner (and getting roasted by our bridal party!!!), the afterparty Friday night (so much fun- yes I had the energy for it, it was amazing), the whole day Saturday, the afterparty, then our brunch on Sunday!

& yes, there is a Bali guide coming too…

So! I’d love to hear your questions and your own wedding experiences. Share with me below! Ask me anything. I’ll be here to answer! xx

Best. Night. Of. Our. Lives.

HI GUYS! HAPPY 10/11! To all my fellow birthday twins… happy birthday. It always amazes me how many people I’ve met through this blog with the same bday or similar bdays. Happy Libra month to us! It’s a tradition for me to write a post on my birthday attempting to summarize my year, so here goes…

I have no idea how to start this post because this year has truly, in all ways, been NUTS. It is not even comparable to any other year, so this birthday post will be like any other. Although at times it has been truly traumatizing and I have undergone the dark night of my own soul, honestly, this year is one I never want to forget. For a million reasons.

It’s been the best, and worst, and best, and worst, and ultimately the most TRANSFORMATIVE year of my life. Who I was at 27 feels like a trillion lightyears away from who I am now closing out my 28th year.

At 28 I gained the courage to really, truly dive deep into my soul.

At 28 I learned how to finally REST when that’s what my body has been screaming out for for years.

At 28 I followed my intuition into not one, but two ayahuasca medicine ceremonies that radically transformed my life and my work on this planet.

This past year I also followed the call into many more plant medicine ceremonies, from mushroom journeys to DMT, and each one of them has left me transformed and awakened to my very core.

Not to mention at 28 I’ve been planning our wedding, stepping into this new role of fiancé and now soon-to-be WIFE, and otherwise focusing almost entirely on healing my physical body.

I’ve done two separate very intense water fasts this year, begun stem cell treatment for Lyme, undergone a variety of parasite cleanses, started routinely getting weekly colonics, have spent mostly every day in my infrared sauna, and exercised LESS THAN I HAVE IN A YEAR since I was a kid, or maybe ever.

I spent probably 80% of my 28th year in bed.

I healed my skin from chronic hives and eczema *knock on wood* & learned how to live, eat, & rest for ME. Being SOS-free & plant-based has saved my life. Learning how to say “NO” has saved my life even more. I am still a recovering people pleaser, but this year I have come a longgggg ass way.

I didn’t travel much, and when I did it was solely for healing — ayahuasca in Santa Cruz, a full body cleanse in Palm Springs, Canada for a Gerson Therapy training (where my body flipped out & I learned to NOT get back on a plane for a long while), and just one trip home to Sacramento for an event. Toward the end of the summer I did get to go to Maui & Tulum — both incredible trips, and I am so grateful.

If you’ve been following my blog for a long time you know that travel has been a huge part of my life for the last several years. When I was 24, 25, 26, and even 27 I spent at least an equal amount of time traveling as I did at home. If not more! At 27 I spent a month in Bali solo. And this year, at 28, is the first year since I was a child that I didn’t spend ANY TIME in NYC at all. I miss it…. my heart misses it! So this year was VERY different in that way.

This year I created my course (!!!!) Waking Back Up To Your Own Soul, which is available right now & will only be available through this Monday evening before we close this round. This course is my heart and soul. A culmination of everything I’ve learned spiritually, psychedelically, psychically, and in healing. Above and beyond words, I feel I birthed it into the world (with the Pleaidians!) & sometimes ask myself HOW on earth I did it while being this sick. But alas… channeling is a powerful thing.

At 28 I learned to really open up and channel psychically. I think part of that was learning to let go & know that I simply don’t give a f*ck what anyone else thinks. My tribe, our tribe, is SO STRONG & so supportive, and that has really helped me tune out any and all noise. So thank you for that! To radically accept myself just as I am, the depth of my spirituality included, has been so remarkably healing.

Now my ancestors, the Pleiadian light beings (!!), and overall mediumship has played a huge role in my life (thanks to some amazing mentors & amaaaazing plant medicine ceremonies) and I feel so much more me. And to feel like yourself, really truly yourself at your core, is SO healing.

And to talk about these things that have been so healing to me so openly is SO healing for me. To know that not everyone out there has to agree with me, that having people agree with me was never what I was seeking to begin with but somehow I have been able to LET. IT. GOOOO that I am not for everyone. Such a valuable lesson in this space and outside of this space.

This year I really learned how much of a healer nature is. Getting outside, forest bathing, soaking in the energy of the earth, and realizing how much BETTER I feel when I am in nature vs. in a city surrounded by EMFs. While also loving and appreciating the city I am in, but knowing my body needs a lot of time outside of it.

This year I’ve been given the gift of really seeing who my truest of true friends are, because when you spend the majority of your life in bed it takes an extra special & real & true kinda friend to continue to be there, time and again, when you can’t really even move. When your brain is on fire and speaking feels impossible.

That is a huge gift. Also because I am blessed with so many true friends — people I can call in the middle of the night, who would do anything for me and I would do anything for them, and those are the only kind of people I want in my life. I don’t have to waste energy anymore on the people who weren’t meant to be in my life for the long run to begin with.

My relationship with Jonathan deepened in huge ways this year — I cannot even freakin’ wait to marry that man. He has been by my side in THE darkest times. Far darker than anyone should see before they’re even married but also what a blessing to experience them now and know that we can withstand the. When I was healing from my mouth surgery and had that awful middle of the night experience (you can read more about that here) and laid on my shower floor sobbing my eyes out all weekend… he was my reason for getting back up. He was my reason for living. I will remember that for the rest of my entire life (and beyond),

And now, in 22 days, we are getting married!!!!

Not to mention — MY PARENTS & HUDDY have been some of my greatest healers this year. My parents have sat with me at every appointment, treatment, what have you that they could make it to. They’ve been living part time upstairs and it’s been the most incredible thing to have them so close. Huddy is my little snuggle man who keeps me sane during all those hours in bed and in pain.

So even through the pain… I AM LUCKY. I AM GRATEFUL. I really feel I have the best life and I am so in love with it, even though it is faaaar from “perfect” or what I ever thought it would be at this time.

Moving forward into this year… 29 here I come

This year, I have a feeling will be incredible. I do have a long road of healing and a lot of herxing (cc my Lyme warriors) ahead, but I feel I can take it on fresh now. I have learned to really TAKE A BREAK when a break is needed. From work, from life, from everything.

Oh yeah… putting my podcast on a hiatus this year was another huge thing. I never would have had the inner strength to do that last year or ever before this, because I didn’t know who I was without my TBB identity. Now I feel very comfy with who I am inside.

Everything I’ve learned, the medicine I’ve introduced to my life, the wisdom I’ve gleaned, and the healing that’s been taking place will bring me to that next level. I knoooww that this will be my year for healing. A year to travel again and adventure and truly live life with my new HUSBAND (!!!!), family, and best friends.

29 is going to be a good one.

I hope this made sense, because I feel super brain foggy & can hardly find the words to describe just HOW meaningful this year was. What a wild ride it has been. I have hit rock. fucking. bottoms. (yes, multiple) & also have been filled with the utmost love and pinch me moments about getting married and being celebrated this year at so many fun wedding events with the people I love.

The ultimate contrast, yes?!?!

I hope this gave you a bit of a glimpse into my 28th year. I am welcoming in 29 with OPEN ARMS and am so grateful for the inevitable gifts I know it will bring.

Are ya with me? Would love to hear your age, your bday, how you’re doing today (for real) below. Always here, so much love. <3 Off to celebrate with my love tonight doing something v special & low key and I am soooo happy about it. 

I am not a hateful or an angry person – if you know me, or listen to my podcast, or read this blog, then you know I am actually the exact opposite.

I also make a huge point not to dwell on the negative in any situation, and after being slaughtered by the media years ago for my journey in and out of veganism, there are very FEW things the media can say or do that have the ability to affect my heart on a deep level.

What I will say is, when you mess with a disease that I suffer with every day of my life, that is killing people, paralyzing people, stripping them of everything they deserve in life and affecting their families/spouses/friends and then some, you’ve got another thing coming.

You do not fucking mess with that and get away with it. Mess with me, I will turn the other cheek. I am stronger than that. I have a happiness and a joy that exists inside of me all of the time ALL ON MY OWN, and it is absolutely fucking unshakeable. Mess with the disease I suffer from and the millions of people who struggle to have their voices heard due to this disease, and I will speak up. EVERY time.

NY Magazine, The Cut, Molly Fischer, who I spoke to on the phone at length, I am looking at you.

To give a little context for those who are not aware (and if you don’t have Lyme or read NY Mag, why would you be?), a few weeks ago I was asked to participate in a story for NY Mag & The Cut about Lyme disease.

Of course my immediate answer was a yes. I know that the media has a tendency to spin things in a wild and salacious way, and I most certainly should have asked what the angle of this article was, but when given the chance to share my Lyme disease journey with a large audience via a large magazine my initial reaction was a yes.

My other thought was: Even if the media is not always to be trusted, I can do my part and share my story. My story can’t be twisted, because I will speak my truth and at least my piece in the article will showcase someone who has had their life ripped away from them by this debilitating disease. I owe this to other people suffering and it is my due diligence to raise awareness.

In other words, I am confident enough in what I have to say about this journey with Lyme that no reporter can minimize that. I am passionate about raising awareness for a disease I live with every day that is so deeply misunderstood. So yes, I will participate.

Cue to my conversation with Molly Fischer a few days later. I had only 30 minutes to speak with her because my energy is next to zero nearly all of the time, and I try to save most of my energy for the people in my life, my healing, and my business. I never take long phone calls, especially with reporters – but I felt 30 minutes would suffice for me to share enough about this debilitating disease, my diagnosis, and treatment for the sake of raising awareness and helping others.

The conversation was strange from the get go. I try to make a friend in every situation, I can’t help myself, I feel like that is what human connection is about. It was clear right away that Molly Fischer was not going to be my friend, or be even remotely friendly with me. No big deal, I wasn’t going to judge, I had no idea what was going on in her life or what her day was like.

I spoke passionately and in great detail about my journey. When I mentioned things like my water fasts at True North health center along my healing journey, Molly piped up. “Did your doctor send you on those?” “For how long did you fast?” etc. and I could feel the salacious journalist in her growing excited.

Then again, I am not one to shy away from telling the whole TRUTH. So I shared about my water fasts, well knowing they’re not what mainstream medicine would support in killing Lyme or any disease. That doesn’t mean they didn’t help me, or thousands of other people. In fact, talking about it in detail with her was rather irrelevant. Of COURSE the water fasts are one of very few things Molly chose to focus on when it came to me in this article, but we’ll get there.

On the phone we didn’t speak about my partnerships or my brand whatsoever, other than the fact that I shared that I feel Lyme has been a gift for me to connect deeper with myself on a spiritual level, and teach me what truly matters in life (which has been reflected in my brand in obvious ways).

Again, I could feel the thick energy on the line of a journalist hearing something she wants to hear. Spirituality doesn’t always go over well in the media, in fact it can often be used to sway an audience in the direction of finding the person in question unreliable because they are deeply spiritual (i.e. in the eyes of the mainstream, “out there”). I knew that was happening, but again I felt like that’s nothing I can’t handle.

Regardless of the strangeness of our conversation it always feels nice to share from my heart about this journey with Lyme. I do so willingly and with great honesty (too much honesty in this case, I see now). When we got off the phone I texted her (as we spoke on our cell phones) to thank her for the interview, thank her for covering Lyme disease, and thank her for including me. I told her to reach out anytime if she had any other questions.

I was met with a curt response shortly after, “Thank you — I appreciate your time.” I have interacted with a lot of journalists over the years. I know they’re not always or even often in it to make a friend, but human to human I think it’s nice to be kind to each other and that response (while not unkind, yes) made me uncomfortable.

I was thinking, I just poured my HEART OUT to this woman, and this response, in response to my gushing text of gratitude, falls flat. But AGAIN, no big deal. I understand not everyone texts or even speaks as effusively as I do.

Important to note, I have worked with huge journalists for Good Morning America, The Today Show, and more who I have become incredibly close with. It doesn’t matter how you meet someone, when someone shares their soul with you, and tells you their story, you have a connection. A bond. ESPECIALLY when someone pours their heart out about a debilitating disease they are living with. NOT the case with Molly.

Also, since I read energy and feel extremely in tune with other people’s energy, it wasn’t her words that rubbed me the wrong way. It was the delivery and the negative energy behind them. It was the all around refusal to open up a friendly dialogue that made me feel like maybe this wasn’t going to be so great or even halfway decent after all.

Journalists who refuse to open a friendly dialogue sometimes do so because they know their angle before they’ve even spoken to you. They are going to twist your words, pigeonhole you, and make you sound like an idiot. Why be friendly to someone who you are only speaking to so you can use them in a ploy to further your agenda?

After our conversation I didn’t think much about the article. I am busy living my life, trying to heal, preparing for my wedding, preparing for my Lyme cavitation surgery next week, you know… doing my best to live and keep it all together even though I feel every day like I am absolutely dying.

Most days I can’t even get out of bed to walk to the kitchen, but apparently journalists like Molly couldn’t give two shits about my symptoms or anything about the actuality of me living with Lyme disease, even after speaking to her about it at length.

Then came the “fact checking”…

Then I started speaking to the fact checker for the piece, Jordan. We spoke on the phone just last week. MULTIPLE things she “fact checked” with me that I was very clear to tell her not to use, 100% ended up in the article.

In fact, everything I made clear not to focus on in the article were the ONLY parts about me that ended up in the article.

For one, she asked me about veganism and orthorexia. (First of all, that tired old topic OH MY GOD – it was 6 freaking years ago and I was 22 and barely knew who I was as a human. It’s still the only thing the salacious journalists care about in regards to me and my expansive, accomplished, interesting life. Important to note, great journalists are keen to focus on truthful subjects in my life, which yes, are still INTERESTING.)

I told Jordan VERY clearly that by no means did veganism cause orthorexia. I told her very clearly that if they were to write that, they would be like all of the media outlets who falsely wrote and said that about me for years and that it was completely, 100% untrue.

I also wondered, why is this even coming up? Of course now I see it was coming up because Molly chose to focus on me shifting my brand from The Blonde Vegan to The Balanced Blonde and transitioning from veganism in order to make me look unreliable. A girl with an eating disorder now has Lyme disease, ta da! Of course she is making it all up for attention.

Gag me. Now. Oh my god.

The second thing Jordan asked me about to fact check was whether Target is one of my sponsors. I said no, they are not. We worked together one time, but I have a big range of longterm sponsors who are actual sponsors of my brand. One-off partnerships are not considered sponsors of my brand, and they are especially not one of my sponsors because the partnership was not even with Target, it was with Who What Wear’s brand JoyLab that is sold at Target.

So after explaining that… BOOM. What ends up in the magazine? “Lyme has also brought the Balanced Blonde to a new audience. Instagram is home to an active Lyme community, and many of Younger’s photos are now hashtagged #lymewarrior; they receive hundreds of comments and thousands of likes. Target is among Younger’s sponsors, suggesting that perhaps Lyme content isn’t a bad way to reach wellness-minded American women.”

Truly sickening. Are you kidding me, Molly Fischer? You chose to include THAT, of all things? After everything we discussed on the phone, you want your readers to know that I have “gained followers” from having Lyme? That is disgraceful. I have LOST followers from having Lyme. I have lost tens of thousands of followers because my content is no longer active, upbeat, oriented around running and yoga and healthy food. You know, the things I built my BRAND around for years that I can’t do anymore because I have a fucking debilitating disease?

Also, I don’t care that I have lost followers over having Lyme and posting about Lyme!!!! THAT IS NOT WHY I DO WHAT I DO OR WHY I SHARE WHAT I SHARE. I am a human being, not a brand. Perhaps you think that receiving hundreds of comments and thousands of likes makes me feel less sick, less bedridden, more alive? Perhaps you think that is what matters to me, versus sharing accurate information about Lyme disease with the world?

But of course you instead chose to focus on my “Lyme content” gaining popularity on social media. That the hashtag we use #lymewarrior to unite the millions who are suffering and give us a community so we don’t feel so god damn alone in our beds every day is something we do for show?

So yes, although the fact checker was well aware that I wasn’t comfortable with Target being named as a sponsor, and was well aware that Target is NOT my sponsor, that is exactly what was written about. Why are things fact checked if only to be ignored?

Among the other things Molly chose to focus on, INSTEAD of anything having to do with me having Lyme disease?

– that the top Google searches for my name are “Jordan Younger net worth” and “Jordan Younger age”. Writing about my net worth being searched is akin to her writing about Target being my “sponsor.” I read between the lines, Molly. You want your readers to think I am making the big bucks from this social media career. And guess what? I am. I know that threatens you for whatever reason. And guess what else? I have been for years, long before I ever got sick. And guess what else? Every dime of what I make goes toward getting treated for Lyme. And even THAT has been happening since before I had a diagnosis, because it’s impossible to live life or even get out of bed with this much pain and NOT get treated.

– “She also goes on weeks-long “water fasts” at healing centers. Her doctor doesn’t send her on those; she does them on her own, but she has met fellow Lyme patients that way. When you fast, “it starves the toxins,” she explained.” Even though she knows full well that I have done two water fasts in my life, and there are FAR more benefits than the out-of-context quote you pulled from me there to make me look like an idiot. Again, why did you even mention it? To make me look unreliable, crazy, kooky, not to be believed.

– How about this quote? When I said this one on the phone, I could hear the salacious journalist in her getting excited all over again. “I mean, I’ve said things to my family like, ‘Well, part of why I’m sick is because of the pressure that you’ve put on me my whole life.’ And my mom’s like, ‘Well, aren’t you sick because of a tick bite?’ And yes, that’s all true.” True, and when taken out of context again makes me look silly and in doing so, makes the suffering I have endured AND that my family has endured because of my illness seem trivial and trite. What about the parts of my illness I shared with you that actually have anything to do with having Lyme disease — you know, the subject of your article?

– Oh and how about this?! “Younger did ozone for nine months or so, and it always made her feel worse. “At first I was so okay with the Herxheimer reactions,” she said. “It’s part of healing. But I reached a point more recently where I really do just want to feel better in my everyday life.”” Again, taken out of context Molly you are trying to make ozone look like a treatment that doesn’t help people, when I fully told you that it massively lowered the toxic load in my body. If you want to use my words out of context AGAIN to make me look like I am a valley girl giving half-assed explanations of things, you are NOT BEING A JOURNALIST. You’re actually engaging in defamation and slander. Ozone is an amazing treatment saving lives, and because of journalists like you perpetuating this insane notion that it’s not, it is not covered by insurance which is why (as you wrote at GREAT LENGTH about in your article) Lyme disease runs people into the ground with their finances.

– The orthorexia component is so inane I won’t even go there. So irrelevant and yet another one of Molly’s ploys to make me look unreliable.

– “Lehman tells Younger that she has “every right” to feel bad (“which was so validating and exciting,” Younger says). It all makes sense to her in retrospect: her lifelong food issues, her orthorexia. “I was dealing with these Lyme bugs,” she says, “taking over my body and eating all my nutrients.”” This did not come from my conversation with Molly. This came from my podcast episode about being diagnosed with Lyme. And if the only words you took from that episode were that I was “EXCITED” to be diagnosed with Lyme, again you are being a coldhearted, defaming journalist. You know exactly what those words imply when taken out of context. There were so many nuggets of wisdom, truths about suffering from chronic illness, so many accurate points and insights about what it has been like on the long road to getting diagnosed, that were NOT included or even considered by you.

And there we go, that’s what Molly focused on about me in the article. Disregarding everything I spoke to the fact checker about (why did I waste my time doing that if nothing I shared was included or validated, Jordan?).

And then there is this…

“Spend a while browsing #lymewarrior on Instagram and what you find looks like wellness content at first. There are selfies, shots of food, talk of toxins, exhortations toward self-care. There are more extensive arrays of supplements than you might expect. Then the IVs snake into view. There are hospital gowns and seats at outpatient-treatment centers and surgically implanted ports displayed with pride. This is wellness predicated on the constant certainty that all is not well.”

That has got to be the most insulting, degrading, offensive thing I have potentially ever read by a “writer” in my life. WITH PRIDE? I am actually tearing up right now thinking about myself and the millions of others spending their youth in the mother fucking hospital, and being faced with sick, threatened writers like you telling us we are PROUD to be there.

You know what we are proud of?!?!?! OUR STRENGTH. OUR TENACITY. OUR ABILITY TO GET OUT OF BED EVERY DAY AND FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES. The strength we have every moment of every day is something you will sadly never understand, because it’s clearly not in your nature or DNA.

You’re right, we are proud of ourselves for the grace in which we handle our disease. Instead of killing myself or letting this disease kill me, I have decided to spend all of my money and time and energy on treatments and surgeries and medications and supplements to get better. And in the same vein, I have gathered even MORE strength and tenacity and grace and grit to SHARE MY JOURNEY PUBLICLY. As has every single person who has shared their #lymewarrior “content” (gag) in the midst of the shit they are going through every single day.

I thought that was all bad. I didn’t think it could get worse.

Then I saw the part about my doctor, Dr. Erica Lehman, a true hero. A Tick-Borne Disease Specialist and board certified ophthalmologist. Molly writes, “…leads inexorably to the offices of Dr. Erica Lehman, a Beverly Hills ophthalmologist practicing as an LLMD. (Her biography lists fellowships in corneal surgery.)” That passive aggressive nudge at trying to dismiss her credentials is so palpable it makes me physically ill.

I know personally of several people who likely would have died if they didn’t end up in the care of Dr. Erica Lehman. I probably would have as well Molly, and you know why? Because I wouldn’t have been able to live like this any longer, getting sicker and sicker and sicker. It is not uncommon for Lyme patients to fall into depression and ultimately commit suicide because the pain of living this way is so debilitating. I could have seen my life going in that direction if it weren’t for Dr. Lehman. I don’t share that on social media because it is so personal and dear to my heart and would break my family’s souls, but guess what? You and your sick journalism have pushed me to that point.

And guess what else? Based on your article, you would probably tell me I need anti-depressants for that. Which is everything that is wrong with our world and our medical system right now. (Not anti-depressants, but telling Lyme patients their illness is mental.)

What about my symptoms of Lyme disease that we spoke about at length, Molly? The debilitating fatigue, the full body hives, the bedridden condition I have been in for 2 years, the brain fog, the joint pain, the misery????? Oh yeah, you wanted to focus instead on me being unreliable and a social media influencer posting “Lyme content” (FYI, that is not a thing).

What threatens you about me being a social media influencer and blogger with an incredible audience of supporters? What intimidates you about people who are sick? What intimidates you about doctors who are saving lives?

Beyond the parts of the article about me and Dr. Lehman, the article itself is full of slanderous statements, inaccurate portrayals, and straight up passive aggressive and INTENSE discrimination against people with Lyme disease.

Friends of mine and massive inspirations like Porochista Khakpour and Lena Dunham were mentioned in an extremely unflattering light, and more inspirations and well-known figures in the Lyme community like Yolanda Hadid and her children were mocked as well.

Doctors doing amazing things were minimized. Doctors who are uneducated about the true dangers of Lyme were legitimized. Even Reiki was written about heavily in a way that minimizes energy medicine. (We won’t even go there. Not even fucking worth our time.)

The whole thing is truly mind boggling. Sick. Disgusting. Criminal. Hard to fathom.

So… why did this article happen?

I have some theories. For one, I think writers like Molly Fischer (similar to Apoorva Easdon for the New York Times just a few short weeks ago) have a problem with people who are chronically ill, for whatever reason. What I have learned on my healing journey is that everyone suffers from deep rooted issues, some of which they themselves are unaware of. Whatever deep rooted issues this writer and whomever at NY Mag were also behind this have with chronic illness and people who are sick, I do not know. I do know their issues most certainly fueled the fire behind this article.

Secondly, with the new investigation about the Pentagon potentially releasing weaponized ticks in the 50s, 60s, and 70s that would have caused the spread of Lyme disease, it doesn’t surprise me to see large media outlets like the NY Times and NY Mag banding together to promote the nonsense idea that no one is really suffering and that Chronic Lyme simply doesn’t exist.

As Molly writes in this article, one of the patients who thought she had Lyme simply “left Lyme,” implying that Lyme is a cult, or a church, or a religion, or otherwise.

Similarly, the writer of The NY Times article about Chronic Lyme not existing, re-tweets things on Twitter about Lyme disease being a cult. This is the same woman who deleted her Instagram when she started receiving unsettling comments about her article. There is no pride there. No strength or grace. The kind of pride, strength and grace we who fight and suffer exhibit and experience every single day.

All of the above is truly horrifying and criminal.

As far as other theories go, I am pretty dumbfounded as to why anyone would want to portray the fact that Chronic Lyme doesn’t exist, or act as if anyone suffering isn’t truly suffering. As many have pointed out, Lyme disease is a fascinating yet deeply unfortunate epidemic all on its own, without these crazy spins on what it “isn’t.”

Also, as many have pointed out, only those as fortunate enough as Molly Fischer or Apoorva Easdon to be in good health would be able to write an article like this. Until you have suffered from chronic disease or watched someone you love suffer, or I don’t know, experienced basic human compassion on a deep level, can you maintain or even perpetuate such dangerous points of view. And I hope, truly, that they never have to experience this devastation and pain in their lives as many of us have.

As far as titling your article, “What Happens When Lyme disease Becomes an Identity,” it’s sick that you think we want to identify with being ill. Lyme is a disease, like cancer, like heart disease, like diabetes. Would you write a slanderous article diminishing any of those patients’ journeys? I don’t think so. (And I freaking hope not.)

I could go on forever. There are so many things wrong with this article. As far as my personal attack in this article, I will get over it. I appreciate the support so so so much and I want everyone to know that while I am devastated that my words were twisted and that I unwillingly contributed to this monstrosity of “journalism” (the furthest thing from journalism I have ever seen), I still feel unshakeable joy and gratitude for MY LIFE exactly as it is.

I don’t care about being portrayed like a dumb girl in the media. The media’s view of me means nothing to me. It’s that my words could be twisted in such a way to continue to perpetuate the dangerous and sickening notion that Chronic Lyme is not serious that really irks me and will never, ever be okay with me for even a millisecond.

Molly Fischer, you deserve zero more seconds of my time or energy. Of which I have very little of to begin with. It is also not lost on me that your fact checker, Jordan, furthered this mess by keeping in much of what I said was not okay to share. (Isn’t that illegal? Maybe if it was worth it to me I would take legal action — but it’s not worth my precious time or energy or headspace.)

But this issue is not going away. I will not stop talking about the issue at large, which is that Chronic Lyme is deeply misunderstood. And for anyone reading who may have thought at some point during this post that I am just adding fuel to the fire by writing about this, then I can only assume that you too have never walked in the shoes of a chronically ill individual or the family member of someone who is chronically ill.

Because when you’ve been here, you get it. We are fighting for our lives. This is important work, necessary work, soul level work. I will always turn the other cheek when something silly or untrue is said about me, no big deal. But like I said at the start of this post, when you mess with me in regards to my Lyme journey, you are messing with everyone who suffers, and you will NOT get away with it.

Judging by the thousands of messages I have received since sharing about this on Instagram stories last night (yes that’s right Molly, I do receive thousands of messages about “Lyme content” because the amazing people who follow me are HUMAN with HEARTS and many of them have been there for 6+ years, long before I EVER had Lyme or any diagnosis whatsoever), I am not alone in feeling incredibly maddened by this article and the excruciatingly false ideologies behind it.

What I do know is this…

Kind people don’t twist people’s words to fit a certain agenda, ever.

People who have experienced the light, who live in the light, and who feel true happiness and love in their hearts do not spend their time writing slanderous articles about people who are suffering, dying, and living their lives paralyzed or bedridden.

Lyme disease is a growing epidemic and if we don’t continue to raise awareness and find more affordable cures, soon enough it will be impossible not to know someone very dear to you who has Lyme disease and suffers deeply from it.

When you have true joy and love in your life, nothing can touch you. This article is a blip on my radar. I share this post not for my own self validation or to make myself feel better after being slighted on the grandest level, but because this is important work and I feel it necessary to speak up for those of us in the Lyme community who suffer daily.

Joy and love are all that matters at the end of the day, and I am beyond lucky to have incredible support from my friends, family, fiancé, and so many of you.

The media has a clear and calculated agenda. It may have to do with the weaponized tick investigation and it may have to do with coldhearted journalists wanting to turn something very real and true into something salacious and “juicy,” or it may be both.

At the end of the day, I know that people who are unhappy make themselves feel better by telling themselves others are crazy.

To stoop low enough to regard chronically ill people as crazy for being chronically ill is BEYOND me, but it’s happening and it probably won’t stop any time soon.

We are stronger than this. We are stronger than them. We are kinder than them. We will rise above this, and only the truth wins out in the end.

Karma is a real thing. Luckily for those of us who aren’t slandering other people and their health journeys in the media, we don’t have to worry about anything but positive karma flowing our way.

I personally will never willingly speak to the media about Lyme disease again, unless I know the writer on a deep personal level and know that the angle is 100% accurate and well-intentioned.

I love all of you, and we will let this pass!! This will take up no more of my energy or headspace. And yes, I do plan on sending this directly to NY Mag, The Cut, the fact checker, and the writer of this article.

With that, my weekend will be full of love, rest, and high vibes. I have no space for individuals like Molly Fischer or anyone in her camp in my life. What I do have space for is endless love, peace, healing, joy, and eternal wholeness. I will heal. I am healing. You’ve only seen the very beginning of the “pride” I have in this healing journey and the miraculous things that will come from my full, recovered, healed self.

BECAUSE of this journey I am strong.

BECAUSE of this journey I have the joy and the great honor of speaking up for others who are suffering.

Most of all, I have the joy to tell my own truth. No one can do that for me or take that away from me. Idiotic journalists who share slanderous information only add fuel to my extremely passionate, joyous, strong, unshakeable, healing fire.

All of my love and then some,

Jordan

P.S. I have not linked the article because I refuse to support it in any way or further the views it may have received. But if you’d like to find it on your own, be my guest! It’s pretty easy to find. MUAH.

At all.

LOL.

Anyway, you should sign up for the tribe newsletter if you haven’t yet, because we (TBB team and myself) have been sending it out weekly with tons of fun updates, recaps, healthy recipes, links to articles we love, podcast favorites, etc.

Full Mexico recap is coming soon, but for now… YOGA PICS ON YOGA PICS. Because BLISSED OUT is an understatement.

HALF MARATHON TRAINING UPDATE! ASICS VINE BODY SOLE HALF IN NAPA VALLEY… THIS COMING WEEKEND!

ALSO. This post is a half marathon training update. YES… I have been training for a half! No… I have not been training nearly as hard or been quite as dedicated as I was for the marathon.

Part of that is due to the fact that after running the LA Marathon in Feb, going for long runs outside is now a big part of my regular workout routine! In the past I never would have just hopped outside to run 6-8 miles on any given day, but these days it’s totally a part of my schedule.

Stretching in my ASICS gear!

So I don’t have that level of stress about getting outside to train day after day, that same voice in my head I had before the marathon being like “do it…. or else you’ll regret it!!” because I know what my body is capable of and I am confident that I can finish the half comfortably regardless of my time.

The other part of that is due to how much yoga I have been doing (ya know, + my big yoga news from my last post! Eek!) and also maintaining my OrangeTheory workouts, travel, and trying to stay on top of resting & giving my bod a break when I need it.

I had grand ideas about training super hard for this upcoming half and shaving off a bunch of time from my last half marathon. I even went on a few “sprint training” runs to get myself closer to that goal, but… alas,  my life sched started getting in the way and I have been finding so much solace & happiness in my leisurely-paced 3-5 mile training runs.

And when I say leisurely-paced, I mean slow enough where I can chit chat with a friend, but fast enough where I am still very much breaking a sweat and feeling it in my legs and glutes the next day.

I push myself in so many areas of my life — workouts included — that running at a pace that feels comfortable and great to me just feels RIGHT right now. That’s not to say that I won’t strive for a PR in the half next weekend… I totally will strive for it, but I won’t beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.

My goals for the race are to have fun, enjoy the gorgeously scenic route, enjoy the weekend with my BFF Alexi who is joining me, not have any music mishaps like I did during the marathon (lol), and finish around the same time as my last half if not faster.

See how all of my goals have so much more to do with enjoying myself versus putting time pressure on myself? I told you my yoga retreat did a doozy on my mind, body and soul. Haha!

But for real, even running is all about balance. I am so happy to have found my go-to pace when it comes to training + running races, because the last few 10k’s and training runs I have done have been SO enjoyable at my happy leisure pace.

I also find so much peace in running, whereas I never used to. I went on a run almost every day when I was in Mexico, and the lovely desert path from the hotel to the street, and then the street to the beach was almost another form of meditation for me… One foot in front of the other, amazing music, the wind on my face — it might sound a little cheesy but man does that ish make me the happy and calm.

I even took a few post-run blissed-out selfies while I was there because there really is nothing better… (Unedited, because I’m in a really unedited, raw, organic moment kinda mood these days. Enjoy the SWEAT because it is a #sweatygymselfie, after all!):

I will keep you guys super updated on how the half goes this weekend! I would love to make training a bigger part of my life for the next race that I commit to, but this time around I am pretty proud of myself for not getting ultra cray-cray about it. I feel prepared, but I haven’t gone overboard — I am just living life and making it work.

Anyone else going to be at the ASICS Vine Body Sole weekend?! I hope sooooo. Anyone else training for a half or full or any distance race?!

Hey, babes! As part of the new “Ask Jordan” series on TBB, I am having readers email in questions for me & then I’m choosing a few per month to highlight on the bloggy. I’m only posting questions I think the majority of readers will be interested in – and it will save me from typing variations of the same thing 1,000 times in a week & it will probably also save me from getting tendinitis one day (unless I already have it… which I sadly more than kinda sorta thing I do.)

Today we’re gettin’ down & dirty, and keeping things realer than ever. And when I say “realer” I mean really real. I don’t just make up words for nothing around here.

Today we’re going to talk about periods. Boys, if you feel like skipping out on reading this then be my guest. But I’ll just go ahead & say what we’re all thinking anyway… it’s just the human body. SKIM IT, if you have to. (( I won’t tell the TBB police. ))

Plus, it’s always a gift to learn more about the ins & outs of the fab female sex. Anyway…

My two frequently asked questions of the week ▷▸▹►

1. “Jordan, WTF is in your gym bag?”

2. “How do you stay active while you’re on your period? Don’t your cramps kill you & make you wanna lay in bed all week?”

Well, here’s the thing. We’ll get back to #1, but #2… staying active during that “time of the month” (( I hate when people call it that but I can only write “period” so many times in one post before sounding like a middle school sex ed teacher )) HELPS ME & makes me feel so, so much better when cramps are attacking.

I stopped taking routine medications a couple years back when I started eating a cleaner diet & learning that most things can be remedied with a good old-fashioned balance of healthy food, exercise, and R&R.

When my period comes on and I feel like total crap, I work out. And I don’t just work out, I work out vigorously. I’m talkin’ power vinyasa yoga in a heated room and running sprints up and down hills. It takes the stress off of my lower back & makes my tummy feel more settled. 

And it’s the only thing I’ve found that possibly makes me feel less bloated, and that, my friends, is a major plus.

Sooo, in order to combat the obvious, I use Tampax® Pearl® Active. Today I have teamed up with them to show you that having your period (or any kind of internal or external “eh” things that make you feel gross —tummy ache, headache, bad day in general) doesn’t mean you should just lie around and wait for it to pass. Get out there & DO something.

When you take control of your life, no matter what the circumstances are, that’s when balance comes.

And WTF is in my gym bag, anyway?

Well, ovbi Tampax® Pearl® Active. I always carry chapstick, my headphones (( I would die without blasting Eminem during my workouts )), my cell phone (( chronic email-answerer while running, whoops, #workaddict )), an extra hair tie (( you know they always snap at the most inconvenient effing times )), a TOWEL (( I’m one of those girls you see at the gym with a neon red face that sweats profusely, no shame )), hairbrush (( necessary )), reading material annndd my wallet so I have the goods for some after-gym snackies.

There you have it, my loves. And I am really, REALLY picky when it comes to things involving my bod (( as you know )), so you can trust me on this one.

PS– Check out Tampax® Pearl® Active to see other #AwesomelyActive stories on their Facebook & Twitter, or visit them here!

Xox,