Hello, hello my loves!
Oh my gosh, do you feel all of the potent energy swirling in the world right now? I can hardly contain my own relationship to it… I am feeling everything. All of it. Heart wide open, soul on the table. Between being a Reflector and truly reflecting the state of the earth and the cosmos, being a highly sensitive person, the astrological happenings of the moment (portals on portals), as well as the culmination of emotions & events that have taken place in 2020, it’s a lot. For anyone!
If you’ve read my last handful of posts then you know I’ve been IN IT this year. Experiencing it all. From water fasts to plant medicine ceremonies, opening up deeper to my channeling abilities and learning how to create real boundaries, sharing 5D consciousness talk without a filter on the podcast (that feels good), enjoying being a newlywed to my amazing husband, and committing myself to creative projects that have been knocking on my door for a long time… 2020 has been big.
And I know it has been deep for all of us. Transformative, to say the least. We will walk away from this year knowing that the world will never be the same. I mean, how could it? Each and every one of our lives has gotten flipped on a dime! We’ve been ordered to stay home for a majority of the year, separated from our families and friends, many of us have watched loved ones get ill, no travel or weddings or events as planned… we’ve been at the mercy of the pandemic. Something we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams at the end of 2019.
However there are positives. So many positives. I cannot even fathom what could have likely happened with my health and body had we not been forced to slow down this year. I deeply feel that I would have hit a breaking point of no return. It SCARES me legitimately to think about. Actually it makes me want to cry, because even know after all of the slowing down & the learning & reflection, I still feel a burning desire to “do more.” It’s a lifelong learning, I suppose. But the downtime and the time for intense healing and reflection has been really, really good.
And despite it all, I am still in ferocious pain every single day and that is why I am terrified of what could have been, had we not been forced to slow down. I think I would have had to do it on my own, much like I have had to learn again again since first getting sick! And that would have sucked, but I likely would have done it.
Beyond my personal health, I know this downtime has been a positive for the world at large. We have taken notice of social justice issues and inequality like never before, because we are HOME & able to do so with more time than ever on our hands and nowhere to run. I really do believe and feel that people’s perspectives have shifted. As a collective we are more clear on what is important, what truly matters, and that list is very small. So many people I know and love have moved, changed careers, started or ended relationships, transformed from the inside out, and have stepped deeper into their true calling.
My Plant Medicine Journey // Into My Soul
I really believe all of that is possible because of this year forcing us to take a good, hard look at ourselves and allow change and evolvement. It’s so big. The earth isn’t allowing us to mess around anymore or be avoidant of any feelings whatsoever. If you are still avoiding, it’s time to stop doing that. Truly. Take my word for it. Your life will be better once you let yourself see and feel it all, even the intensity of the dark, murky shadows.
Trust me, I have been doing it so I can say — life does get better once you face that shit! Which brings me to the plant medicine ceremony I experienced the other weekend… If I thought I had been transformed before that…. JUST. WOW. No words.
It really says something that it has taken me so many weeks to sit down and write this. You guys know all I do is write. I write for days. I write to know what I am feeling. I write to FEEL what I am feeling, to heal it, to transmute it, to get it out. I am still digesting this one in a big way, but I want to give you at least a little peek.
And speaking of the journey, if you haven’t heard this week’s solo episode, check it out here: Ayahuasca Solo Deep Dive: My Most Recent Journey & Awakening to the Medicine Woman Within. That is Part One, and Part Two is coming next week. I think Part Three will be coming soon after, with a special guest aka my perfect husband who will hopefully share his experience with us, too. Once it digests. 😉
The podcast really gets into it in a way that I don’t have it in me to get into right now (still feeling all the things and feeling really low energy but high vibe — if that makes sense), but what I will do is share some big takeaways. I will do my best to organize them here below:
1. I went into the ceremony weekend with a lot of anxiety. I have had a whole year and a half since my last big plant medicine journey for the anxiety to mount, because around last summer I started experiencing severe panic attacks for the first time in my life. I asked the medicine to be gentle with me (in fact I begged her haha) and she really delivered. She taught me how to trust again, how to surrender. I really feel I restored the medicine’s trust at this ceremony and she restored mine. Which, as we know, is really just my restoring faith and trust in myself and my own ability to heal and use the infinite power of worlds that lives inside of all of us. 🙂
2. My first night of the ceremony was beautiful and GENTLE (my intention & mantra), and the medicine really took me on a journey with my maternal lineage. That was beautiful and exciting, because I often journey with my paternal lineage because, let’s just say, they have a lot more shit to heal. Lol. But my maternal grandmother came in strong, clear, fierce, and gentle and we went on a JOURNEY through lifetimes together. She helped me heal my womb space, my stomach, my uterus, basically my entire root / sacral chakra areas and I saw lifetimes of pain and women’s stories living inside of me. I recognized that they were both mine and not mine, and that it was time to FEEL them and pay honor to them so that the pain could begin to leave my body…
3. That first night I also went on a journey into a house of doors, each door opening to show me a lesson or a memory about why I hold so much anxiety and fear. Both my grandmother and grandmother Ayahuasca took me very slow on this, and we basically all agreed I was not quite ready to go deep into the pain because I was so in need of a gentle, light, healing experience. The entire night was honestly sensational.
4. Saturday night inevitably took me far deeper. When the medicine entered my body, I started sobbing. It was the most cathartic cry of my life. I think I cried for 8 hours straight, drowning in my own cries and snot and tears and all. It was so extremely beautiful to have Jonathan there with me. He held me and SAW me to my core while I sobbed through lifetimes of pain, both my own and the women who came before me. It was so extremely incredible (and PAINFUL) to allow it to all flow out of me. To really become aware of it and then shed the layers. Layer after layer after layer. It was one of the most intense and TRANSFORMATIVE experiences (if not number one) that I have ever had. I laid horizontally in Jonathan’s arms and forgot I even had my own body and just bawled and bawled. There are no words to describe it because the WORLD melted away. I saw in that moment that he and I are one.
5. I saw Jonathan’s soul in the deepest, purest way. He is a combination of so many things. An old, deeply wise soul who is also a puppy. He is my rock and my healer. He is a creative genius, an angelic young spirit, and a grandfather (who looks like a tin man !!!!) all at once. He has known me for eons. He knows me in many ways better than I know myself, and I him. It’s magic. HE is magic. I have never loved my husband or our relationship more deeply, because what I thought was true depth was cracked into a trillion pieces and rebuilt that night. Just wow. Wow. THE LOVE !!
6. I sobbed mainly about how old I am. I am an ancient great great great great great great grandmother soul in a 30 year old’s body. In this lifetime I do aspire to get back to my youthfulness. I know my body is young and I cherish that. But my body aches and screams in pain like I am a 850 year old woman. It’s really alarming and I know for a fact I don’t portray it outwardly, so no one would ever know. My bones feel brittle and my muscles feel weak. I don’t have it in me most days to leave my bed. I sobbed and sobbed about that, recognizing perhaps for the first time how TRULY hard that aspect of being ill has been. But I also know it’s my super power. And I also know I have been gifted an angel (Jonathan!!!) to help me through life, literally guiding me with his strong hand on my back when things get hard. And I know I will heal the more I uncover and learn and transmute… it’s just a lot.
7. I got to see my beautiful teacher Ms. Lauren Lamay who passed away a few years ago. She was my middle school English teacher who changed my life and the lives of all whom she encountered and taught over her 37+ year career. She was the bread and butter of my school, Country Day, she read to us out loud from the greatest novels of all time. She instilled in me the confidence in my writing and pretty much everything I have become today. She lives on in my heart so strongly & with such purity and depth. We went on a JOURNEY on a ayahuasca… she taught me so much. We went into what my next book will be, and I have gotten to go deep on the journey of writing it and living in that world for the past many weeks. It feels so good.
8. On our Sunday ceremony, I got to talk to my future children and see them move across the kaleidoscope skies with the neon stars with the trees taught me again how to breathe. Earth is beautiful.
9. It’s hard to be a human. It just is. That was shown to me on epic levels of massive proportion during all three ceremonies that weekend.
10. It’s no secret that I haven’t felt at “home” in the city for a while now, and that nature calls to me. One of my intentions was for Mother Aya to show me where I will be happiest living. She certainly delivered, and I am so excited for that to come to fruition when the time is right.
11. Most of all, Aya showed me this time around that we deserve to live our absolute best lives. We truly deserve and are capable of reaching each and every dream and goal we came into this life experience to have. As we grow up, we disregard the dreams we had as kids. When we saw the world as our oyster and knew we were capable of anything and everything. Ayahuasca deprograms us, brings us back to Mother Earth. To our eternal souls. What we came here to do. I saw in that ceremony weekend that I did not come here to play small. I came here to have it all, all my heart’s desires and dreams, and I will.
So basically she turned me into a little kid again. 🙂 But also reconnected me with my ancient, alien soul. OH YEAH & little alien Yoda’s came in and laser gunned Lyme disease out of my blood stream SO THAT WAS AWESOME!
Now my face has shifted which I am entirely sure you can all see, because many of you have been pointing it out on Instagram and beyond. I feel that my eternal, old, wise, ancient soul has stepped back into my body, and I am not alone now. Same with my Pleiadian self.
And so many women in my life, some of the deepest & most incredible souls I know, were with me in spirit on my journey. They felt what I felt. They purged when I purged. Some of them slept all weekend and some of them didn’t get an ounce of sleep because they were feeling so much. We are all one, and I know I went there to heal in a collective sense that weekend.
Which brings me to this — I don’t recommend Ayahuasca to those who are not hearing her call. It’s a bit of a big deal that I am even writing about her here because I do not want to impose my experiences on anyone else. I truly believe that if and when your time is supposed to come, it will come. 🙂
(I also do not share where I do my ceremonies for legality reasons & because it is so deeply sacred and personal to me. Thank you so much for understanding & respecting that boundary. I know & honor that Aya will find her way into your life in the most beautiful way. She is infinitely wise.)
THANK YOU for reading, for being here, for allowing me to share so deeply something that is so, so dear to my heart. Also, you can read about my first Ayahuasca experience from January 2019 here, and to this podcast episode with Jonathan where we discuss our ceremony from Summer 2019. Our next one together will be coming so soon.
Okay, love you all, would love to hear your thoughts & reflections below!!! Hugest love, happy holiday season, & more from me soon. 🙂
