To All of the Humans Who Have Not Found Their Person Yet…
It’s no secret that this has been a very exciting couple of years in my love life. Last year, Jonathan Albrecht, one of my longtime best friends, kissed me at midnight on New Years’ Eve and the rest was history. This summer, he proposed to me and this past WEEKEND, we chose our wedding venue!!!!
I can’t wait to take you guys along for the wedding planning process, as it will be a beam of light amidst the not-very-bright Lyme recovery journey and all of the extreme sickness I am dealing with, and I am so damn grateful and happy for that.
But I very much realize that not everyone reading my blog has found their person yet — that soulmate, twin flame, love of your life, whatever it is that you believe in or are looking for. I also realize not everyone reading wants to find that person and that is cool too.
Being single was some of the best years of my life… I could go on and on about how I created all of the most epic things in my life when I was going through a breakup, from my blog to my podcast to the initial inklings of becoming vegan which is what my original blog/brand was then born out of.
This post is for that group of people who WANT to attract their partner in life. If that’s not you, cool, but if it is… I see you. I feel you. I was you, for so many years. For over a DECADE, even during those many years that I enjoyed being single. I was still trying and failing (at the time) to attract my perfect-for-me romantic partner.
It hit me hard, because for so many years I was in this boat. And now, so many of my friends are currently in this boat. Seriously, MOST of my very close girlfriends here in LA who are incredible, intelligent, fun, gorgeous inside and out women are single. I think it says a lot about the dating pool in LA (lol, but true) and the rise of dating apps and that whole “keep swiping, there will always be better” very appearance-based dating landscape these days.
Again, I am not saying there is ANYTHING WRONG with being single. But most of the girls I am thinking of right now are trying to attract a partner, and are actively dating and trying to find their one. Maybe some are even settling for something KINDA right. When I was in that boat, I wish I had seen a poem like the one above. Because the truth is, you can never force someone to meet you halfway. You can’t even inspire them to do it, because they’ve gotta do it on their own.
I thought that maybe if I shared my BRIEF dating history here on the blog amidst all of the relationship/soulmate stuff and wedding planning going down, it would inspire at least one person reading to wait for the person who WILL step up for them. Who WILL be brave for them, put themselves out there, and commit. Everyone deserves that. No one deserves to settle.
My Dating History //
So here’s a little brief rundown of my dating history… let’s go back to 2008, just for the sake of spanning an entire decade. In 2008, I was 18 years old and I was about 3 years into an on-and-off relationship with a boy I loved very much, who many of you have probably heard me talk about here or on my podcast. I loved him so much it HURT my heart deep inside, the love was so much overflowing passion for me to handle at a young age but it was worth every moment… because knowing that sort of unbelievable love is what made me wait for it again for so long.
The problem was that the boy I loved was very sick. He had severe depression and battled a very nasty drug and pain pill addiction. When I went to college in 2009, we were no longer “together” but we talked so much we may as well have been. I felt responsible for his wellbeing in many ways, even though I knew it wasn’t all on me. Without getting too deep into it, he tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout our adolescence and young adulthood.
Which of course, made me hold on even harder. Every day I told myself, “I love this person and I am just lucky that he is ALIVE… so I am going to make the most out of him being here, whether we are together or not.”
I am the kind of person, being a Reflector and someone who loves MADLY & DEEPLY, that refuses to let go of people. I have learned this about myself, very very much so over the years. I refused to let go of him. Even when I went on to date other guys and get into new relationships, he was always on my mind. We kept up the on-and-off thing even as VERY close friends until just a couple of years ago.
With that kind of pain associated with love from such a young age, it’s no wonder to me that I later did everything in my power to try to make it work with several guys who it just was NOT going to work with. Maybe it wasn’t fair to the other guys since my ex was still very much always on my mind, but I gave them my heart as fully as I could and tried my best to move on to something healthy — I knew I needed a healthy relationship (the opposite of what I was used to) in order for it to work.
My college boyfriend, who I totally thought I was going to marry, ended up cheating on me extremely publicly in front of my entire sorority WITH a girl in my sorority at the end of the first semester of our senior year. Our relationship certainly was not perfect (AT ALL) beforehand, and looking back he too had a bad alcohol problem that I had somehow convinced myself was just a “college frat boy” thing that he would grow out of.
(Compared to the drug addiction I was used to from my high school boyfriend the alcohol problem seemed like no big deal… *face palm*)
Looking back, I am so ridiculously glad our relationship ended the way that it did. He made it so that there was zero chance of me taking him back, even when deep down I really wanted to in the beginning. He was not remorseful and his life continued to spiral out of control from there… that is a whole story for another day, lol.
From there, I had some mediocre and some awful relationships in New York. One of which was with a guy named Jordan and we basically decided to date because we both wanted to be in a relationship. He turned out to be the biggest jackass on the planet, breaking up with me on one of the already worst days of my life (I found out a huge, incredibly devastating family tragedy type of thing on that day) and sending me an email later to “wish me luck” in my life. He was a douche.
And then I was really not knowing what the hell I was looking for! The guys I had been going for clearly weren’t cutting it in the commitment or even kindness department. When I moved back to LA, I fell head over heels in love with someone new who I sort of dated off and on for a long time. It was clear he was not quite out of a different relationship at first (although of course he told me many times that he was), and then once he was, he did not want to commit for work reasons, then personal reasons, then every other reason under the sun… and this went on for over two years.
That one was particularly scarring. The love was there, the kind of love I felt when I was young and in love with my high school boyfriend before he got sick. But this guy just was not ready, would not commit, and clearly somewhere deep down knew we were not a match.
During that on and off time, I put myself out there with a VERYYY close friend of mine and that relationship also did not work out. I am telling you, the universe was trying to send me a sign and tell me to WAIT for the person who would have the courage to commit. My person. Not to mention I even dated my web designer off and on when I first started this blog, only to be crushed by him moving on to a look-a-like of me instead…
After ALLL of that, I had learned a LOT about what did not work. I was very, very clear on what I was not looking for. I spent a good 7 weeks between early November 2016 and the New Year honing in on what I did want. And for the first time in my life, I REALLY was not looking. I had hardcore cut things off with the recent off and on relationship, and I had also very much cut things off with my ex from high school for pretty much the first time ever. I knew I needed to if I was ever going to move forward and allow him to do the same.
So although I was not looking, at all, come New Years’ Eve 2017… I was clear on what I wanted. And I was damn happy with my life, with or without a partner. I loved everything I had cultivated for myself: my career, my friendships, my living situation, my yoga teaching (at the time it was a huge part of my life), my CAT MOM life, all of it. I was very, very happy and content. And I took the advice of my girl Gabby Bernstein and walked around the world with the energy of “already having it all.”
Because I DID already have it all.
And then suddenly, I got even more…! Along came Jonathan. 🙂
So what I am saying is, once I truly KNEW I had it all without needing the approval or love or commitment from someone else, I attracted the partner in my life who finally gave me that approval, love, and commitment.
What really hit me about Nayyirah’s poem is “You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is always more extraordinary love.”
There is ALWAYS more… and that MORE will be your person. The one who is waiting for you, and doing the work, and showing up, and giving you what you DESERVE.
When Jonathan put himself out there and kiss me, putting our friendship on the line, I knew… holy shit. This is what I’ve been waiting for. He is brave AF and he has done the work and wait a second, I love this boy. I think I always have.
Before I refused to let go of my high school boyfriend, and then the boy I loved so much here in LA who would not commit to me — because I was hell bent on being with someone who I loved so, so deeply. I convinced myself I would settle for any situation, no matter how messed up it was, if the love was there.
Well, I am here to report: there is such a thing as mad, deep, true, insane love and someone who will commit to you and give you what you deserve.
That kind of love is out there for everyone. I felt like I would never have a normal relationship, that I was “too deep” in a way to find love with someone who was kind and available and healthy and well… normal.
No matter how “damaged” you feel you may be, you can always piece yourself back together again and get clear on what you want, and call it into your life.
I promise. 🙂
So this post is for anyone who is looking to do just that. Stay strong, enjoy the process, and as Nayyirah says, “out here in this wide and wild universe… there is the love that will be ready.”
XO. Would love to hear about your relationship experiences… the good, the bad, the wonderful. Love you guys. More wedding details to come soon…!!