Updates, Updates: Becoming My Own Healer & Going Within
Hi guys! It’s been a little bit since my last update about taking a little break for my health. I have been doing exactly that, and it has been amazing. I have learned so much from going deep within, and I know I am only just beginning.
I wanted to use this space to share my recent experiences going inward & to answer some questions I have been getting about where I am in my healing process, healing modalities I have pursued, Lyme treatments, all of it. I am still figuring that out, but I will do my best to explain where I am right now. I feel really happy with where I am now after hitting an insane rock bottom that I am still climbing back from.
Setting the Scene //
So, first let’s set the scene. I am sitting in Malibu with my mama listening to the ocean waves roll in. It’s a sunny, warm day, I feel the sun’s rays warming my skin, and it feels good to be ALIVE. I am trying to do more things each day that make me feel alive — like I am one with this human experience because being so sick for so long has often made me feel like I am not.
I am making a point to get outside more and let nature heal me. I can’t run on the beach like I once did (yet at least) but I can go to the beach, sit in the sand, listen to the magical sounds of the ocean, feel the sun on my skin, and let it all remind me of the power of the earth, the power of nature. We are all here for a reason, reasons beyond what we could EVER believe — and shifting my mindset to KNOWING & believing that life is happening for me and not to me has been deeply healing.
So in truly believing that, I know that being sick right now is not something to be afraid of or to get extremely down about. Yes, it’s hard to wake up every day with such exhaustion and pain (and sometimes dizziness and nausea and more) that I don’t even know if I will be able to get out of bed, but I can also shift my perspective to see that I am experiencing all of this for a reason.
My belief is that I am experiencing chronic illness because it’s time for me to wake up to a higher consciousness. Life has had to figure out a way to knock me down in a big way in order for my eyes to be opened. I know this may sound a little out there to some people reading and may also be triggering or upsetting to people who are in a similar position of chronic illness because many parts of it are so hard and so painful.
But what if it didn’t have to be a bad thing to be sick? It can still be hard and painful, but what if everything is playing out exactly as it is supposed to? Shifting to that kind of understanding is not only healing but exciting, because that means that the possibilities of what this time in my life will bring are limitless. Infinite. And it means the same for you too.
Going inward //
Going inward has been my greatest healer. Trusting my intuition has become my own biggest teacher. Realizing all of this has been incredible, because I’ve known it all along (we all know it all along) but I didn’t believe it in my bones until very recently.
What made me believe it after all this time, you’re probably wondering? There were a few catalysts. I have been seeking answers for my illness for so long now, just trying to feel better, just trying to heal. I have been so desperate to “feel better” that I have committed to just about everything / anything you could ever imagine… and it’s all been outside of myself.
Very recently, I hit a breaking point with all of that. I describe it as feeling like I was on a hamster wheel, running as fast as I possibly could, and everything in the universe and inside of me was telling me to GET. OFF. THE. WHEEL. To just breathe and let be. To go within and find the answers there.
Well… that was scary!!! Going within is terrifying. Most of us will spend our lives searching for answers outside of ourselves rather than going within. Sitting alone with our thoughts for 30 seconds can be terrifying, let alone 30 minutes, hours, days on end, or more. We always want to believe the answer is somewhere outside of ourselves — if we just meet that ONE PERSON or that ONE HEALER or hear of that ONE TREATMENT that healed someone else… we want to believe it will heal us too!!
And I’m not saying that’s not possible. Anything is possible. But when I finally hit my breaking point I realized that for me, going within is going to be more healing than anything else I could ever do.
Hitting my breaking point //
You probably noticed if you have been following me for a while that when I was in Canada a few weeks ago studying the Gerson therapy, I hit an absolute breaking point. I was walking around with a perpetual flulike misery trying to live life, travel, study, learn, keep running on the hamster wheel. I had been force feeding my body juices and veggies (as part of the Gerson therapy) for weeks, over-stuffing myself on multiple juices a day + food.
(Again, nothing wrong with that for many people, but it’s what contributed to my breaking point.)
Finally my body just blew up. I developed full body hives and then came home and was hit with the WORST flu I have ever experienced in my life. I was on the bathroom floor shaking, teeth chattering, sobbing, and feeling so dizzy I felt like I was trapped in a black hole. The exhaustion was so intense I felt called to cancel my entire calendar for MONTHS ahead. The despair so great that I felt the impulse to turn off my phone for a month and have people solely contact me through Jonathan or my mom.
I knew I was hitting a rock bottom. Sinking into it with wild abandon. And guess what? I wasn’t mad about it. I completely threw up my hands in surrender. I knew that something in the universe was trying to get me to shut up, stop moving, and listen.
It’s hard to know what to do from there when you’ve hit a solid rock bottom. I knew what would be good for me: meditating, being outside, writing, yoga, time with my love and my family, resting, keeping my stress levels low… but all of that sounded like a lot of work and I wasn’t really feeling up to doing anything.
So for a few days I didn’t do anything. I watched many, many episodes of RHOBH and Vanderpump Rules from my couch. It was awesome. I ate only oatmeal and rice cakes and veggie broth for at least a week because it was all my stomach could handle. I didn’t force anything. I didn’t even go to my Lyme treatments because I knew getting IV’s during this time would only further knock me down.
And slowly, after the deep rest, my intuition began to guide me. Or should I say it continued to guide me. 🙂
People have continued to share healing modalities and healers and treatments with me, but it just kept feeling off. Even with the most well intentioned, trusted friends of mine’s recommendations, I felt clear that I am not meant to be following those kinds of recs right now. Of course I have had to learn that the hard way by seeing new massage therapists / speaking to healers on the phone and realizing it is all off. Each time it feels like my energy is being sucked out of the very core of my being.
It is not time for me to work with new healers or try any new treatments. It’s time for me to do this inner work.
Doing the inner work //
I began to start every day with a Joe Dispenza healing meditation. First I did his “You Are the Placebo” meditation on YouTube every day, and lately I’ve been doing his “Morning Meditation” on Apple Music. I forced myself to keep my phone on Airplane Mode until well into the afternoon. Every day. I started removing outside distractions and going within.
Since then my meditations have only gotten stronger and it’s been easier to go deep. I am doing at least two meditations a day, but I am also striving to life every moment in meditation. Life can be a meditation, our own personal heaven if we allow it to. We just have to get out of our own way, and detach from our minds.
Every fiber of my being during these meditations tells me that I am my own healer. I have all of the answers. Detaching from my mind, the negative thoughts and the stories I have told myself for years and years, that is what will heal me. My mind will heal and my body will follow suit.
I really, truly believe that we only get sick because we are being called to wake up. That can mean anything to you. I have become a deeply spiritual person, so to me waking up holds a very sacred and special meaning. It’s universal. But even if you don’t believe in any of this spiritual stuff, waking up also just means waking up to yourself! To who you are inside! It’s exciting.
The real work is knowing that even if I were to be sick for the rest of my life, I would be okay. I don’t believe that I will be sick forever, but I know that if that were the case I would be. I am working on the constant act of surrender. And it is really, truly, madly, deeply healing me on deep levels.
Answering questions //
So to answer the questions I have been asked about whether I am still following the Gerson therapy or doing the Gerson therapy health coaching program, the answer is no. I believe it is wonderful and I really do think everyone should listen to the podcast episode I did on Gerson a few weeks back. But for me right now, it’s not the answer. Committing to any program or healer or teacher outside of myself right now is not the answer.
I am still eating SOS-free and plant-based, but the main download I keep getting about food is that it’s really not about the food… it’s so much deeper than that. Food is very healing and it is part of our medicine, but focusing too hard on it or trying to heal entirely through food is not the answer (for me at least). As long as I am eating a clean diet, full of plants, that serves my body and makes my vessel feel good and energized and not bogged down or imbalanced, I am doing the right thing.
As far as Lyme treatments, I feel that my doctor Dr. Erica Lehman is a godsend in my life and was brought into my life for a hugely guided reason. I trust her so much, and the plan she has me on is working for my body even though healing from Lyme is a very slow process. Being my own healer doesn’t mean rejecting medicine or working with a doctor or specialist, it means trusting my intuition to work with the right doctor for me, and do the treatments that will best serve my highest good.
Right now we are doing antibiotic IVs (Rocephin), Myers Cocktail IV drips, and IV Artesinate (an herb for Babesia), among the other supplements and Lyme meds that I take at home on a daily basis. I encourage you if you’re suffering as well to find a doctor who speaks to you, who really speaks your body’s language, who understands how you feel and validates exactly what you know you are experiencing, and go from there.
Also, letting love in is extremely healing. Saying no to the things I don’t want to do. Keeping my circle extremely tight right now more than ever. It doesn’t feel right to me go to most events right now — as a guest or as a host, because that is precious energy that I need to be using to heal. My intuition always knows whether it’s right or off to see/spend time with a certain person, so I have been going with that. There is NO REASON to feel guilty for protecting your own energy and boundaries.
I am spending a ton of time outside, WRITING because it makes me so happy, listening to Oprah’s Super Soul podcast because it speaks straight to my soul, and so much more.
I have so much more to say, but I will leave it at this for now. I am doing the deep work. I am so excited about where it’s leading me. I feel in my bones that so much will be created from this. I want to share it all, but I will be doing so slowly and with great thought. I am not on that hamster wheel anymore and I have no desire to be.
We can all heal, and if you are suffering you are not alone. Not even close. We are all in this together. I am honored to have you here reading and along for the ride — thank you for being interested in my healing journey and for reading what I have to say.
You guys are truly the best. Lots more to come soon. Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. 🙂 XO